Sunday, September 14, 2008

updates and a minor irksomeness

Today I was in a blah state, a step below neutral, my housemate was driving me to work and she mentions this one guy who always bitches about his life. Cool guy, but won't do shit to help himself. I started going off on how I was pissed and disappointed that he wouldn't do anything to help himself except to add depression meds on top of his alcoholism, snorting pills, and purchasing the validation of "friends."

I didn't realize I was so angry. I couldn't think of anything to talk about, and then we bit on something negative, and I devoured it. This bothers me. I think it's a symptom of something else I'm going to talk about.

I was at work, and it was slow so I got some food and sat next to this young looking girl on a bench, opened with "I'm borrowing some of your bench" gave her permission to speak by speaking. She was real shy at first, so i just kept talking. I was just entertaining myself. She opens up, we have a real good conversation, she is 16. Yes, that is a no. She comes by and does a survey for me, i had asked her earlier for a piece of gum, she didnt have any. On her way out, she nudges my elbow and hands me a small pack of gum. Thank you. God what a sweetheart. She said "Maybe I'll see you around?" I had to leave it at sure. As much as my body doesn't care that she's 16, the law does, and even somewhat my conscience.

What is bothering me a little is this nagging feeling that as far as I've come, I'm only learning to become a "cool friend" instead of a regular "guy friend." This is a big step, it really is. To have hot friends, and be totally normal with them. This is something that I feel like I lacked growing up, the ability to just be chill. But at the same time, I haven't had sex or hooked up, with somebody who I'm actually interested in seeing again, in far too long. It's starting to nag at me, especially since I got ljbf'd by FemmeFatale. It was like "really? this doesn't make sense." I thought neediness was a thing of my past, and wicked insecurity. But it's all there still, to some degree. The positive end being it comes out less frequently, less powerfully, and I do have moments where I'm almost entirely free of its grip.

I was at a small gathering and some girl comes up and says "hey aren't you JORDAN!?" I half turn to her, cock my head, consider, and reply "Yes." To those who don't know my name, here is a hint. It isn't Jordan. She gets all excited "oh my god, I have your number but I forgot all about what you looked like and how we met" and I say "oh my god youdon't remember our connection? I can't even believe you!" and push her away gently. She comes flying back, puts her arm aroundmy waste and starts caressing my side. If she was attractive I would have taken her someplace and fucked her then. As it was, if nobody was around, I probably would have laxed my standards for an easy blowjob. As of this writing, she still thinks I'm Jordan. God bless you buddy, whoever you are.

I was walking one of my girl-friend's home tonight, i'm sure i've given her a clever name but it's escaping me. Anyway, we were passing a party and I heard a familiar voice. Oh shit, it's SassyFrass! I had called her in the day to try to get a ride from her to work (compliance, plus time to bond), but she doesn't own a car. Weak. Anyway, I stopped my friend, walked up with a purpose and said "I thought I heard a childlike voice"
"Dasani! Oh my god thank you for saving me last night!" referring to Lesbian wanting to literally eat her up.
"oh yeah totally"
my guy friend:"I want one too!!" (a hug)
"sure man"
SF:"hey wait, I do not have a childlike voice!"

That's about all I remember from that, I ducked out to finish walking my friend home (it can be a dangerous neighborhood. I confess sometimes I catch myself wishing I would be attacked so that I could see if I could hold my own in a fight. I also feel like I've got a lot of pent up anger inside me recently, see above) but I met another girl real quick who kissed both my cheeks like she was french, my response "Oh i'm french too..not really."

Decided on the way home not to go see SassyFrass. The friend she was talking to is one of my natural buddies, and I totally diminish him when I'm around (despite his having great game when he's on), but I decided not to chance going in there and getting insecure. I don't even know if she is going to hook up with him, and if she does, whatever. Girls hook up, fucking get used to it. They're not angels and neither are you.

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