The Catch of The Century

Life Doesn't Draw to a Close

2011-06-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'm uncertain where exactly I want to take this post, but the inspiration comes from a conversation I was having with a co-worker on the way to the office today.

His view on life was, in essence, "I'm young now, so I can have fun and do what I want. But as I get older, I'm going to have more and more responsibilities, and less and less of my life will be enjoyable until there's little left but duty and obligation." Further, in regard to marriage, he said he could see himself in a couple years wanting to get married, and most likely to a woman who "probably isn't hot but who I get along with in pretty much everything." God. I'll tackle that in a moment.

I was appalled. It was written all over my face. I could not comprehend how a person could resign themselves to a life of diminishing gain, a life of gradually increased torture. A slow death, starting (implying from his reasoning) around the age of 27, and ending gratefully around 75 or so. What the hell could he be living for in an existence like that? Who the hell could he live for, because it clearly wouldn't be himself.

This view of life is so absurdly common. It's implicit nearly every time you hear the phrase, "Well, you're young, do it while you can" or some such derivative. How can a person wake each day and face that their life is drawing inevitably closer to a monotonous slow death, like water torture as an accepted norm of existence?

I don't understand people who say they want to travel while they're young, as if growing older could somehow stop a true desire. I'm young, and I've traveled, and I've enjoyed it. But I've also learned that I don't really know yet what I want to get out of my wanderlust - that I'll understand more of what I want WITH AGE. All I know for certain now is that I prefer living in a foreign country to visiting one for a week or longer. There isn't some imaginary manager of my life, hovering over me and threatening to throw out my sick days if I don't use them before I've reached 30, but most people believe that.

Pook said it best, paraphrasing, the difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is the former invests his time, while the latter spends it. The successful person plants the seeds of talent, of wealth, and grows them over time making their life easier and more fun as they grow older. The unsuccessful person spends it all and has nothing in what should be the glorious twilight of their lives.

Nearly any person I've ever come to know fantasizes about their final days and nights. The final day in college, the final night at home before leaving on a trip or joining the military, the last time you see your love. But nobody fantasizes about their final years as a joyous conclusion to a life spent moving toward your highest values and desires. They see it like the plot of a movie that peaks to early, and drags you with it to the end, leaving only a sigh of relief when the credits finally roll.

Disgusting.

About his view on marriage. I asked him, sincerely, if his is a view that many other share. I truly believed that nearly every person who makes the colossal mistake of getting married does so with honest intentions and as a true error in judgement. Not willfully stepping into mediocrity or worse. He said he doesn't know, but I suspect it isn't so uncommon. Seriously. I can't even bring myself to tear this apart any further than it does itself. It's just so fucking stupid.

I don't claim to live an ideal life. I do claim to desire one, and I do claim to be making decisions in that direction. And it is an upward direction.

2011-03-08T05:39:00.001-08:00

Visit the Official Atlas Shrugged Movie Web Site!

Gawd

2010-12-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

I read my old posts and can hardly recognize that it's me. Wow. Got to get back some of that, and combine it with the good stuff I've got going now.

Becoming Your Parents - an ode to me?

2010-12-01T18:16:00.001-08:00

A quick update on me and my situation.

I've been dating Umma for the last few months (Umma means mom, by the way, not older sister. She claims she said Nuna that first night in the club. Whatever.) She's a great girl and I like her a lot, and I'm still enjoying sex with her which is uncommon for me this late in the game. It could be because we can only see each other on weekends, so the lack of being together all the time keeps things fresh, or it could be for any other number of reasons.

I'm not dating her exclusively, however (much to her chagrin), which brings me to the reason for writing today and the topic I want to explore a bit.

I was talking with my mom on Skype, and found myself completely uninterested in what she had to say - I was browsing facebook while she talked and basically ignoring her. This happens almost every time she talks to me, about almost any topic. Then my dad, while I'm interested in talking to him, very rarely has anything to say that isn't unasked for advice and I find myself not wanting to hear that either (the difference, I think, is my dad now strives to find topics other than advice on which to speak, while my mom still does the same things that bore/annoy me).

It isn't that I don't love or appreciate them, far from it, I'm just having trouble with them as of the last year or so. Perhaps because I'm moving on and becoming my own man. But I digress.

Looking at their relationship, my dad barely even fakes patience with my mom anymore if she tries to get in on one of our conversations. He gets a look in his eye like "Oh gawd.." and then proceeds with an "anyway" once my mom finishes her say. Their relationship is, in short, everything I don't want in my life.

In my experience in the world and almost everything I do, my strongest motivator for self improvement or in changing or shaping the direction of my life has been to see models of what I hate in other people or their behavior, as well as having powerfully painful experiences.

I really like Umma, but there are a few factors that keep me from involving myself in an exclusive relationship with her. In high school, a friend of mine had the most codependent, needy, insecure, explosive and unhealthy relationship with a girl that I could ever imagine. In it I discovered some of my many rules by which I govern my life - never apologize for something over which you have no control, as an example. I held such ire for the relationship that I molded ways to shape my life and future relationships that would never allow me to enter into such an awful, and as I saw it soul destroying situation. To this day I have not had anything near to that level of chaos.

Another factor was my break up with my first girlfriend. Using my newly acquired rules and model for everything I hated in my friend's relationship, I molded my first relationship into something more desirable. We never fought, rarely argued, never -until the end - had any "emotional talks" which my friends were constantly mired in and hated (the talks being the girl complaining about how the man doesn't care enough and needs to do more, or bitching about trivial things). But as I drew toward the end, I realized I needed more.

Emotionally I wanted nobody else but my girlfriend, but sexually I wanted everybody but her. I could not be in a relationship with her any longer and not cheat or make her miserable with my constant icy lack of desire for her. I broke up with her, and it was the single most emotionally painful experience of my life. Since then, I have not had a breakup of that magnitude, and often times the girl and I just drift or go different ways in life, and come back to find there is still some spark for each other, some piece we can still play with if we desire.

The final factor is my parents. In asking my dad why he chose my mom to marry, one valentines day a couple of years ago, among many words carefully chosen to disguise meaning and bland acceptance, I remember these in particular, "One day, you'll find a woman with...enough of the values and qualities that you appreciate." I couldn't believe it. He had actually said 'enough.' My father, veteran of an over 30 year marriage, had just confessed to settling instead of striving for what he really wanted.

The result of that kind of attitude? As much as I love and respect him, and as far as he has come in life (wealthy, occupationally successful, viewed as successful in family for having a seemingly stable marriage and three children, big house, a few cars, etc.) if I gauge his success by happiness, he has failed. His life consists of going to a job he hates, facing again each Monday like he's going into a battle he never wanted to be part of, coming home in the evening, having dinner, maybe watching a movie rental or some TV, then going to sleep and doing it all over again. He spends the large amounts of money he makes on home improvement projects. New furniture, a remodeled staircase and fireplace, etc. and only gets pleasure from those when other people admire them or notice they've changed (gone in a year when every friend has seen it and new people don't always comment).

His greatest happiness, outside of his pride for his children which I see glow more strongly in him and am thankful for, is going to some family owned land out in the mountains and being in nature. Hiking, fishing, hunting, etc. The problem? He can't share it with my mother because she gets bored out there. As she ages and continues to eat body destroying food (a sin I'm guilty of as well) and dogmatically holding to the idea that pilates is superior to HIT as exercise, her body degrades and as basically falling apart. She constantly has knee and joint pain so any sort of demanding outdoor physical activity, demanding beyond walking a short distance, causes her pain. She enjoys theater and dancing (though I wonder how much dancing she could do in her state) and things of that nature. She and my dad are complete opposites, interest wise.

And yet, people always say, "As much as you try not to, you're going to be like your parents." Perhaps repeated patterns like that of my parents' relationship are what is thought of when the phrase "sins of the father" is used.

I think that's a crock of shit, in my case. Of course I'm like everybody in saying "I'm not going to make that mistake! durp dee durp dee dee!" but I'm the only person, the ONLY person who I've grown up with and met (other than through some mutual area like the PUA community which has a number of guys like me) in my travels through life who has changed his behavior and reshaped his life when I've come into contact with things that come close to destroying me or that I despise.

When it comes to marriage, I avoid it like the plague while more and more of my friends get married or engaged. Everytime I bring this up with people who talk of marriage, if they're older it's always the same response, "You're just young, you'll get to an age where you're ready to settle down, blah blah blah." I'm 23 and I hear this from 25 year olds, as if being 20-30 out of a hopefully 70-90 year life (18 or more of which spent in the shelter of your parents) is enough to experience and drink in all that life has to offer.

As a side note, the most recent of those seasoned life livers (25 years old) left Korea to get married and has now broken up with her then-fiancée.

I need also to take myself down a notch. The predominant purpose of my philosophy and guiding principles in my life has been the avoidance of pain, but very few of my major decisions have been in the pursuit of pleasure.

From this point forward, I have a new life goal and guiding principle.

My goal is to continually ramp up my effort to make decisions that are based on the pursuit of pleasure, and not the avoidance of pain.

Of course I'll still recognize that the avoidance of pain has brought me a long way, and there are decisions that ought to be made in that way, but the goal stands.

It is vague for now, but I'll tweak it.

First Korean Date

2010-09-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

I've been in South Korea for the last month and a half, and will be for the next 11 months. It's lovely, so far.

Last night I had my first date with a Korean girl.

From what I've gathered from talking with Koreans, doing a little research on the side, and my own observations, the dating culture here is nothing like it is back home in the States. Well, it's similar, but moves a pace that is MUCH SLOWER than everything back home. That isn't to say that an extremely gifted lady's man couldn't make things happen fast, but it's going to be a different, perhaps harder road.

First off, Korea is a very patriarchal culture. Despite what feminists want us all to believe, the United States is nothing like this. Women are actually treated differently by the boss than men, they have different social rules applied to them (e.g. women who smoke in public are looked at with scorn, the girl I took out was rejected by a man because she told him it was OK if he smoked because she smoked too), and have a completely different mindset when it comes to sex and dating. The family is very important, and so many women are genuinely dating to find a husband, and it is considered shameful in some circles to not be married by your late twenties. Marriage is a major life goal of many women.

In regard to sex, any sort of touching or kissing before several dates have passed (I've heard tons of different numbers, from a couple dates to a couple months before it's OK) is considered, for lack of a better word, slutty. A Korean friend of mine explained it in limited English by saying the girl just does not know until then if your feelings for her are genuine.

Enough on culture. I met this woman, "Um-ma," in a night club in down town Seoul. She looks perhaps 23-25, very petite, short hair, and has a set of girly adorable mannerisms juxtaposed along side a genuine "don't give a fuck what you say" attitude that I'm drawn to irresistibly. However, when we asked each other's age (common in Korea because it helps people decide how much respect to speak to you with - Confucian culture) she told me she is 32. Whoa! She said, jokingly, that I should call her Um-ma, which means older sister.

I approached her while looking for my friend's glasses, and discovering that she spoke good English, started talking to her in what way I could in the loud night club. I asked her for a mint, and then moved us to a less loud area of the club. I was surprised she was so willing to follow me after such a short interaction. We talked quite some time, at one point I left the club not intending to come back after we exchanged facebooks (I only just got a phone), but I did come back and we talked some more. I was the only person who had commented on her rain boots as "ridiculous" and she seemed willing to let me touch, move and rearrange her posture to fit what I wanted.

After awhile, I convinced her we should talk some place else and we left the club together. We held hands and walked around in downtown Seoul, just talking and getting to know each other. That night I told her I would call her as soon as I got a phone, and would send her an e-mail asking for her number. When we parted, I hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She only weakly hugged me back and did not kiss me. I took this as a sign of Korean culture and not any sort of disinterest.

I called her up later that week, we made plans, and we met up last night in Seoul at about 7. We did not hug when we met, it felt like it would have been forced and somewhat awkward. We walked around a really neat district, just talking to each other and enjoying each other's company. Then stopped at this restaurant to eat some of this ( http://lorencz.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/800px-korean_chicken_soup-samgyetang-01.jpg ). Very delicious, if a bit expensive. She offered to pay her share, but I told her she could pay for the next place. I was told it was bad manners not to pay for your date in Korea, but much of what this girl said to me seemed very disillusioned by much of Korean culture, especially in regard to dating customs and social norms (she smokes in public!).

We walked around a bit more, talking and talking. A lot of my humor was lost on her because it just doesn't translate so well, and she would often respond logically to some of my jokes - One thing I do sometimes back home when somebody talks about a weird quirk or fear is to assume a faux Freud accent and look at them seriously and say, "Tell me about your mother!" but Um-ma responded by actually telling me about her mother. She has such adorable mannerisms, like when something excites her, or if she finds her way when looking for something, she will skip one step, or the pitch of her voice gets higher. Such a cutie.

She took me to the waterfront and we went up into a cafe for a waffle and a milkshake. It's adorable watching any Korean use a knife because they don't ever do it (if they have long noodles or a big piece of meat, they cut it with scissors. Seriously). So after she struggled enough cutting the waffle, I took the knife from her and showed her how to use the teeth and saw through the food, busting on her a little, and then I forked a piece and tried to feed it to her. She refused and got embarassed, playfully, but I persisted, treating her like she was the young one of the two of us. She conceded at last and held my hand while I delivered the food. When there was only one bite left, she told me when she was young her parents used to tell her "the last bite is for the youngest" and so she forked it and tried to feed me, laughing at my age. It was probably the best few moments of the night.

We were out too long for me to catch the subway home, but I have a friend who lives near where she does, so she said I could come with her to meet her friends while I waited for my friend to call me back. He didn't call back for a couple hours, so I ended up at a bar having drinks and talking with Um-ma and her two cute female friends, who were already well drunk by the time they showed up. I got a hold of my buddy and he said I could stay, but i wasn't ready to head to his place. The friends insisted that Um-ma and I sit next to each other, which in Korea is what couples do, and at one point one of the friends said I could go home with Um-ma and she wouldn't mind at all. The two friends talked to each other in Korean, and Um-ma and I sat close, touching each other and listening to a shared pair of headphones while talking. She ended up pretty tipsy (extreme light weight) and was ready to get out of there.

I got up with her and took her downstairs to get a taxi, and she said "It's OK if you come home with me, tonight." Normally I would take this as a surefire invitation for sex, but this is Korea, and nothing is as it seems. She took me to her place and told me just before we got there that she had a roommate, but she works the nightshift and wouldn't be home. More good signs?

We walked in to her apartment, which was spotless and yet she still apologized for the mess, and there was her roommate, flopped over on her bed, passed out with her bedroom door wide open. No matter, we went into Um-ma's room and got ready for bed. She wanted to shower before getting into bed so I waited for her to return (again, I'm made somewhat unsure by Korean customs of how I should behave, and decided this was not a green light). She did, with nothing but a towel on, then put on a long night shirt that made her look like a little girl, with no panties on underneath. She put on some boots of hers and did a short model walk for me, which got me very excited. Then she took them off and climbed into bed with me.

We cuddled a few moments, me deciding if I should just act on my desire and relieve her of any responsibility, before her phone rang. It was the roommate. PISSED OFF that Um-ma had brought home a guy. They texted a few times before Um-ma got up saying "she had to do something about this" and went out to talk to the roommate. 10 minutes later, after some heated argument in Korean, Um-ma came back and told me that I had to leave. She apologized profusely, but would only explain her roommate's agitation as "a Korean thing" and started ranting about how sometimes she hates and doesn't understand Koreans.

I pulled her into my lap and held her for a few moments, told her everything was OK and I could call my friend, and that she need not be sorry. I had told her about being into Jujitsu earlier in the night, and I held her close and pulled her down onto the bed and whispered "this is Jujitsu" jokingly. I pointed to my cheek, she went to kiss it and I turned to steal a kiss on the lips. She caught me and pulled away coyly, and I gently pulled her in for a kiss on the lips. We hugged again, I dressed, hugged her again and kissed her cheek at the door, and left.

I had an hour and a half to kill before the subway opened (it was 4 am) so I just walked around her neighborhood till I could leave.

What a fuckin' night.

The Experiment With Celibacy

2010-06-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is all old news for me, but I wanted to put it down here for posterity.

Back in September, I was laying on my bed reading when a sudden idea came to me. What would my life be like if I wasn't always trying to get laid? I was shocked to discover that this notion was revelatory and I had never once considered it before. It filled me with a sense of excitement like at the prospect of a serious but surmountable challenge, and strangely, a sense of an almost erotic calm.

I slept on it, and then decided to enter into what I have been referring to as "The Experiment."

I wrote myself a list of rules. No chasing women, in any sense of the word, no sex, no kissing, no spanking girls as they walk by, no sexual contact of any sort. I defined all of these rigidly and left no loopholes for what I knew later would be my rationalizing mind getting a hold of The Experiment and inventing ways to get out without failing. I was also to keep The Experiment entirely to myself. I wasn't doing this for attention or for other people in any way, so they need not know.

I wrote a series of things I would have to do in order to demonstrate my commitment to the Experiment. Among them: deleting girls I had been aching for from facebook and myspace, removing all female contacts from my cell with whom I had any sexual interest or could ever see myself having interest in, and deleting my long cherished folder of naked pictures and video of various girls I've been with.

Clearly, I was serious.

The night before I began, I was having a conversation with the girl in this post and she said to me, after hearing all I had to say on whatever it was we were chatting about, "Maybe you should just take a break from women." I almost cried hearing it. I felt visible in a way that I've rarely experienced. That night we slept together.

The following day I signed my contract. The Experiment was to take shape over three phases and I was supposed to keep a journal each week, chronicling my progress. The first phase was the total celibacy described above, which would last from September to Thanksgiving. The second phase was to forbid myself to chase, but to allow hookups - no sex. If a woman made it clear she wanted me, or threw herself at me, I was permitted to have her provided we didn't sleep together. That would last until spring break, at which point I would enter the final phase, where the only rule was that I couldn't chase.

In my first stint of celibacy, a lot changed. I found myself less anxious overall, less worried about women, less worried about how I looked or presented myself (which isn't to say I became a slob, I just didn't fret over a wrinkle in my shirt before going to a party as I might have before). It was liberating. And then I failed for the first time.

My contract stipulated that if I failed, I was to withdraw from the experiment. One night I was at a friends, drinking with him and his attractive and interesting roommate. The time wore on, we all got more and more drunk, and finally, as I was leaving and my friend had already gone to bed, his roommate came down from her bedroom and said, "Dasani...you want to come upstairs and...talk?" I pondered for only a moment before telling her yes, I would like that. I wanted to see if I could hold out against temptation, which made for a differently sexy experience, of her trying to get me and me saying no and her apologizing for broaching my barriers. Interesting.

However, I relented, and we slept together. I decided to stay in The Experiment.

I failed a second time. Going to an old FBs house to drop off some books I had borrowed, I had to come in through her unlocked side door because she had not answered her phone. I found her, asleep on her bed at noon - she works the night shift - and so I crawled in next to her. She turned to me and I got a view of her near perfect breasts in a tight gray undershirt and couldn't resist. I started feeling her up, and as she got excited I told her we couldn't do anything but touch a little. And then I convinced her to get in the shower with me.

What followed was one of the most erotic, sensual experiences of my life. While my experiment had started out with celibacy, I was learning more in the realm of sexuality than I had imagined possible. I would pull her to me, roughly grabbing her breasts and whispering in her ear. She would thrust back into me and beg for me to fuck her, but in my twisted sense of loyalty to my promise to celibacy, I told her that we could only touch like this.

We showered for what must have been an hour and a half, washing each other, feeling each other. Wanting. Unable to sleep with or fool around with her, I experimented with other halfway options. I had her lie in the tub in front of me and finger herself while I watched. I tried talking dirty in a loud voice instead of my usual throaty whispers. We were both spectacularly turned on. And ultimately, I couldn't resist pushing a little further. I had her kneel in front of me while I jerked off and blew an enormous load on her face. She didn't even flinch.

I went the rest of the way to Thanksgiving without breaking again, and shortly into the second phase of The Experiment, I quit. I decided I had nothing to learn from simply denying myself sex but allowing hook ups.

As I write this and see it all in front of me, thoughts put to words, I realize just how much I did learn, and how little I know of sexuality. I'm too often complacent with just having sex, getting it over with and adding a notch to my belt. There's so much more to be enjoyed and experienced.

The Exotic Conclusion

2010-06-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight was as I would fear it would be. Is it the fear that caused it to happen as it did? If I could operate independent of that fear, that incessant insecurity, would things have been different? These are the sorts of questions that will no doubt consume me for quite some time, but tonight, I wish to record here for posterity one valuable lesson - more for myself, but to any along the path who may also carry their own doubts.

Pickup theory is correct.

It's insulting sometimes, with my born arrogance, to think that somehow somebody outside of my experience was able to quantify in a sort of science the kind of thing that, for centuries, philosophers have called unassailable by reason. That thing is love and attraction.

I think sometimes that what I'm experiencing must somehow be different and unique from those interactions that pickup artists describe, post about and give explanation for. I think that, "Yes, this thing they say should be there is not there, but this other thing is," and I take myself to be a higher authority than those who have come before me and written the rule that I find myself comparing my experience to. I ignore the fact that by the very comparison to such a rule in my head I give validity and legitimacy to that rule.

Tonight I went on my second date with Exotic. I was planning to go dancing, but when I searched for dance places that I might be interested in and that were open on a Sunday night, I decided the pickings were slim enough that I should go with my standby date and take her to the nickel arcade. Instead I took her to this great Bar/Arcade in downtown Portland which I liked a bit better than the nickel arcade (only a quarter per game). We had a couple of drinks, played some games, it was a really fun time. She got so into the games she would play and had such a good time, I was really impressed by her and was loving her company.

When we ran out of quarters, we sat down to chat and finish our beers. I had been getting the vibe tonight, as with our last date, that she wasn't as interested in touching me as I would like. But of course I stuck with my own reasons for what was happening instead of trusting the theory. "She doesn't touch me back, yeah, and she doesn't respond to my disqualifications and SOIs the way I want or that would indicate any interest in me...but look at how she's following the conversation, it's like she's tailoring her responses so that I'll like her." We talked about losing our virginity, swapped stories, and then there was just a solid silence after we finished giggling during which we just swigged our beers and looked around a little, both at a loss.

We left the arcade and went for a walk, looking for a place to go dancing. After a short time and with no immediate luck, we both had to use the restroom so we stopped in at the first open place we saw without a cover. A classy looking bar with classical musicians on stage and a very tiny crowd. I ordered us a rum and coke to share while she went to the bathroom, then had her find us a seat on the balcony (we were the only people up there) while I went. The conversation was better, but I remembered what my previous date advisor had said about a second date, "It's time for you to lean back and let her chase a little." I had been leaning in nearly the whole time, sometimes putting my arm around her and pulling her close a little, so I just said "Fuck it, how would I behave if I didn't give a shit" and shoved my chair back away from the table, put my feet up on the railing overlooking the stage and lower seating, and leaned back. I told a couple of my better stories from the days of yore, savoring the fact that after all this time I can still rail it out in an interesting way. They're my original routines.

She was interested, laughing on cue, covering her mouth, appropriately shocked, and leaning in while I leaned back. It seemed good. I segued into us getting up and dancing (I figured, why the hell not? There's music and we're the only people up here) by talking about the scene in Rock n Rolla where Gerard Butler and whoever that woman is have an awkward dance while she tells him her plan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO_ZtXQBO48&feature=related

Great scene. Great idea. She seemed much more physical and interested once we had a better reason to be touching, but her hand holding was weak. After our little dance, we left. Outside I decided I wanted some investment from her, so I gave her the choice, "Exotic, you've got work tomorrow so it's up to you. I'm having a great time with you and I'm down to hang out awhile, but if you need to go home it's not a problem and I can take you." She said she wanted to stay out, so I took that as a good sign.

Walking down the road heard some pounding music coming from a building on our right. As it turns out, we had crossed around to a gay club and it was in full swing for karaoke night. We went in, and I discovered that something I truly like about Exotic was how I tend to do different things when I'm with her. Bouldering, an old people's bar with a jazz band, a different arcade and bar, a gay club for some dancing...Not all my usual fare for dates.

We went in and sat for a moment before discovering that the club was separated into two. The first bar area was for karaoke, the second area was for dancing. The dance floor was empty, the room was empty except for a few patrons sitting around. I convinced her to get up and dance with me. We danced 1-2 songs, I held her hand and walked her onto the dance floor, and as it turns out she has some experience with Salsa. It was good, but I sensed in her touch an all too friendly vibe. A desire not to be taken the wrong way.

I didn't want to admit defeat, but the feeling was slowly crawling over me. I shook it off and decided it wasn't over till it was over.

We left and I decided to take us home. When we got there, I pulled in and put on the parking brake, but left the engine running. She started talking. It felt like she was stalling, trying to spend more time in the car. If she didn't like me, wouldn't she say she had a nice time and good night, then leave? She kept repeating how good of a time she had and how she was so shocked that I was such a good guy and that she had so much fun with me, and that I was so easy to talk to. Then she said something about having heard about me before we went out. I turned off the engine and waited for her to tell me the story. She was reluctant, but basically it amounted to me having talked with her at a party a year and a half ago and saying something stupid. I had no recollection of it, and according to what her friends were saying, "I was following her around at the party" and she was talking about "but wait where's Dasani?" when her friends were ready to go. Confuse much?

I'm sitting here, waiting for her to get out of the car because I didn't think I could handle making another move without any sort of emotional indication, and yet she's stalling, telling me how great a time she had and how great a guy I was and how she never imagined it would be like this, and about how I had creeped on her a long time ago and yet she still accepted my invite on a date. My cynical part said, "She's saying all this nice stuff because she wants you to feel good about the night even though she's not into you" but another part of me said, "No, she's stalling because tonight she wants you to kiss her, and she's trying to show you an opening by saying all these nice things." I decided to meet myself halfway and called her out, "Exotic, I've had a great time with you too, I think you're adorable and absolutely endearing, but up until this moment I was writing you off as not interested, and now you're saying all this stuff and it's got me kind of confused."

I don't recall the specifics of her speech, but it was just her being nice and apologetic but telling me she isn't interested in no uncertain terms. I respect that, as much as it hurt to hear. I told her honestly that I was disappointed, but it was her choice to make.

She left shortly after and gave me a real hug. It hurts me more now to imagine that hug having had so much feeling in it, where every other touch she gave me was meant to convey nothing more than social convention and platonic friendship.

I drove away. Disappointed? Yes. Upset? Yes. By no means was I a mess or even showing visibly how hurt I was, but it was there.

The thing that gets me most, is this feels like a confirmation of one of my deepest insecurities about myself. That I will never be with a girl who I'm really attracted to. Most of the women I hook up with are cute (some aren't) but very rarely do I want to see them again, and if I do like them or like having them around, there's some glaring flaw that keeps me from wanting to get close to them (like one of my FBs, she's just so damn boring and plain, but she's a freak and has huge boobs). When I like a girl, when I'm attracted to her and I want her and I know I could find myself feeling an emotional connection to her, I don't get her.

It's become such a consistent thing that I've developed a deep insecurity about it, and if I catch myself liking a girl, or if I see a girl who I find attractive who might be interested in me, I either do something to fuck it up, do nothing at all for fearing I'll be hurt, or think everything is great and then get the lets just be friends rap.

I must confess. I am very physically attracted to Exotic, and she is a good girl and sometimes makes me laugh, but I did not find her particularly engaging conversationally. The times that were better were when things were better, I imagine if she wasn't guarding herself from showing an ounce of interest or intent that the conversation with her would be better overall, but I digress. I just don't want to put her on an overlarge pedestal in my memory as if she were flawless.

There's a history of this insecurity in this blog if you look close. Femme Fatale is an overt case. Doa is a bit more subtle and I haven't posted as much about it, Shygirl I have only mentioned a few times but am in love with and terrified of finding out she doesn't feel the same way about me, and then there's Tiny. Tiny is a girl I've only freshly named (right now, actually) but who I have a long history with that I might post sometime. At any rate, she likes me, I like her, I'm immensely attracted to her physically, but for countless contradictory nonsensical reasons, she won't sleep with me. This leads me to feel insecure in a sort of "why don't you want me?" way, which is as bad as any rejection.

That's enough for tonight. I wish things had worked out with Exotic, I wish I could get inside her head and find out where I went wrong. I wish I could get the fuck out of the friend zone and start having women see me as attractive.

In every sense that I can ask the question; will it ever be enough?

Orlando's Howard Roark - Dream

2010-06-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

I was writing up answers to a series of questions I wrote for myself almost a year ago (the details of all of this I may share here, if any results are worth posting) and came across the question, "Who do you admire?"

Normally I'd be hard pressed to answer that question, but having just read this post by Anthony "Dream" Johnson, the answer came to me. I admire Anthony.

If you knew me, and you asked me who the greatest male role model in my life has been up to this point, I would answer that I have not had any truly significant REAL role models. Ayn Rand's fictional character, Howard Roark, is the closest thing I've ever had. As I read e-mails from Anthony, and blog posts such as the one linked above, I can't help but draw comparisons between the superhero that is Roark, and the real life man that is Anthony.

Rand describes a character who works tirelessly toward his single minded ambition - his work. A man who falls asleep at his office and wakes early, who skips meals to continue working, who cannot be broken by a society that - at every turn - challenges him and tries its damndest to destroy him.

If you take the time to read his post up above, you'll see that Anthony lives each of these things every day. You'll be amazed at the fact that this 21 year old guy is setting up two international conventions, in two countries, on two different continents, and somehow he isn't coming to pieces under the pressure. Somehow, although much of what he's going through hurts him, it only goes down to a point and all of it serves to make him stronger.

If you take the time to look at what he has created, you'll be astounded to see what a genius could only imagine on the pages of a novel in the real life person of a human man.

I don't know how many people actually read this, but every damn one of you had better check out his website, The 21 Convention. If you're curious, read a few posts, if you've got some time, watch some of the videos that he put up ALL FOR FREE and all without having to so much as sign up.

Like what you see? Support the guy and buy a ticket to the live event. The european event is here. You can also donate money on the 21 Convention website (link is at the bottom of the page). You can also purchase DVDs and other products here.

I've been to this convention three times already. I wouldn't have flown across the country the second and third time if it wasn't worth every dollar I spent and every moment of my time, each and every time I went. You can find my review of the 2009 Convention here on my blog. The 2008 convention was the reason I started this whole thing in the first place, and a speaker from '07 gave me feedback in this post.

So this is me, Dasani, taking my hat off to Dream - a guy who has balls enough to put his name to everything he does (and if you read some of the shit he pulls, you realize those balls are also made of brass) - and one of the better men you'll ever meet.

Boulders and Stone Walls

2010-05-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Detailed and very long.

About a month ago, I asked a girl I sort of knew from the university crowd - Exotic - to come out with me. I'd only talked and flirted with her a couple of times, once at a dance and once at a party, and wanted to take it further, but I had few opportunities. With graduation out of the way, I only had a few days left in Portland and figured, what the hell, the only way I can get a hold of her is facebook chat. So that's what I went through. We talked a little before I told her that I was intrigued by her and wanted to take her out. She said it was poor timing because she was busy that evening and was leaving the following day to visit her family for a week, and I already knew I would be leaving within the next couple days.

However, she seemed very favorable, asking "So what can we do about this?" and so I told her to give me her number - I would let her know when I would be in town next and, if she was still interested, we would go out. She agreed.

Randomly I decided to go back to Portland the day before yesterday and hang out with a friend, and took the opportunity to contact Exotic. The text conversation went as follows:

Me: Hey it's Dasani. Short notice but i'll be in town for a couple days, and if you're interested, I want you to come out with me

Exotic: Oh Hey! Yeah sure, that would be awesome. When will you be in town?

Me: I'm coming in tonight. Free tomorrow night?

Exotic: Sure, tomorrow night is fine.

Me: Great, I'll call you around 6:30ish. [I stopped by phone from making a pocket call before sending this message, it does that] I think I just pocket called you, ignore it haha.

Exotic: Alright cool. Nah you didn't pocket call me. I'll talk to you then.

Went down and had a great time with my friend, set something up with an old FB, set another thing up with a current FB/Prospect for right before my date with Exotic, and felt good about the situation.

I realized I had not planned the date at all, and started getting ansty, so I called a friend who happens to be a ladies man. A classy one at that. The advice he gave me I summed up in an e-mail to myself:

1. In order to feel comfortable setting up an interesting date, you should have been to the venue or have done the activity prior to setting up the date. Know a few good places to go dancing or listen to live music so that when it comes time for the date you dont fall back on dinner and a movie (you do that because thats what you're comfortable with, not because you have no ideas. You get scared of trying to take her dancing or to a bar because you dont know anything about those places and you dont want to fuck it up on the date. So go BEFORE the date.)

2. Hikes are great dates. According to [advisor], "You can learn a lot more about someone on a hike than on any other type of date. Keep it at 4-7 miles round trip and no more than 1500 feet of elevation change." Get multiple sources for directions for trailheads so you don't get lost or have trouble finding it. (on that note, maybe get multiple sources for directions to wherever you're going, just in case.)

3. Learn how to mix some cocktails and keep the ingredients at your house. [advisor] likes something with a slight cinamon flavor that leaves a little spice on their tongue. "deal sealed."

4. Plan the date before the day of. On that note, have some predone up dates you can use (like the nickel arcade date, which is a pretty solid option).

It was too late for a hike and the weather was poor. I didn't know of any places for dancing other than bars and clubs that I wanted to avoid. What I ended up deciding, with the help of [advisor] and Yelp.com was to take her to a bouldering gym, then to a bar that conveniently had a live band every Tuesday, then back to her place for a movie (her place because I no longer have a home in Portland).

I texted her, several hours before I said I would:

Me: Have you been to that bouldering gym before?

Exotic: Which bouldering gym! lol

Me: [Place]. I thought it would be cool to go. Sound good?

Exotic: Yea sure, why not. What time?

Me: I'll pick you up about 7. Wear shorts, regular workout stuff, and bring a change of clothes. Whats your address?

Exotic: Alright! [Address] sounds like fun.

Me: Oh and grab a bite to eat, we can get something after if we want.

Exotic: Cool. I was actually going to eat something anyway.

Me: Perfect.

I got my directions and then went out to an early dinner with another girl I had set plans with. She's an interesting one, but this post isn't about her.

Came back home, got ready and left to grab Exotic. When I got to her place she was ready and waiting for me, looking cute in her little exercise shorts. It was pretty obvious we were both a little nervous from the way the conversation gushed about trivial sorts of things that neither of us really cared about, but we progressed in comfort and I think really enjoyed ourselves on the car ride over. I lamented not having hugged her when I arrived, but it just didn't feel right.

I missed the exit and we got lost-ish for about half an hour, but it was good because we got the intial jitters out of the way while driving around searching for the gym.

We got there and snagged the only available parking place and went inside. I paid for both of us, she made no objection or comment about it (which I was pleased about, I hate it when I go to pay for something and girls object. As much as the community has drilled it into men that we shouldn't pay for shit, I still feel like a dick when I take somebody out and ask them to spend money that they wouldn't have spent had they not been out with me.)

This was the best idea for a date I've ever had. We didn't have to talk much or force conversation, because most of what we were doing was laughing at each others general ineptitude on the rock walls or gawking at the experienced climbers performing amazing feats. It also made a great opportunity to touch her because she's weaker than me (at 5' 2" it's no wonder), so I would support her back from under her while she made tougher reaches and "leaps of faith" as we were calling them.

We took a break after a half hour or so and chatted about each other, getting some much needed verbal rapport while our fingers and forearms recovered, then got back to it. After a few more climbs (and one in particular where I just managed to hold on after a near fall, completed the climb, but broke my will to continue in the process) we were both too tired to continue and I suggested we change. I had left my clothes in the car, so I ran out and grabbed them as well as stuffed a couple of condoms into my pocket - the date felt very on. We changed and got back into the car. I SOId, telling her I had been worried she wouldn't want to go climbing and I found her sense of adventure very sexy.

I told her I had done a search for bars in the area so we could grab a drink and found one that had sounded like a gem, so we went.

Neat little bar. Dark with just the right amount of dinginess, the whole crowd was older than us (40+ probably), and there would be a live band starting in about 40 minutes. So we had our first drink and chatted away, and got deeper with our rapport. I discovered her passion for psychology and particularly psychological disorders such as autism and listened to her stories of the internship she's working. I enjoyed talking with her very much, and it helped that we had a running commentary about the band members as they set up. There was this huge black guy on drums with a voice like poured honey, my favorite line from myself, spoken in my best attempt at a seductive black man, "Ladies and gentleman, I like to call this next song...you gon' get loved...tenderly."

The band was really good, jazzy sort of song with three different singers that would interchange (including the tender lover) and it made for a great opportunity to touch her a bit more intimately. The music was too loud to talk normally so we would lean in, our thighs and arms resting against each other while we talked in each other's ears. At one point I put my arm around her to pull her in and she came in without me even pulling, then seemed to catch herself and let me pull her in to talk. As it progressed our cheeks would touch as we spoke.

After two drinks and six or seven songs, we decided to go. It was a good ride home, and about 30 seconds from her house I said we should grab a movie from redbox and watch it. She agreed, so we went and got one just down the street from her place.

On the way back she asked me where I was staying while I was in Portland. This was the one question that, in the back of my mind, I knew I did not want to come up.

Earlier in the day the roommate of the friend I was staying with made an awkward comment to my friend. It sounded somewhat boastful and uncertain, like he wanted to fit an image that wasn't him, "Hey man, I hope you didn't hear me the other night." The obvious message was that he had a girl over and wanted us to know. I asked him who the girl was. Lo and behold, it was Exotic. I made no comment and decided it didn't matter to me. Girls hook up, it just so happened that I was staying with the FB of the girl I was taking out on a date.

Stranger things have happened to me, I'm sure.

At any rate it had crossed my mind (however briefly) that it might be uncomfortable for Exotic to find out that, not only did I know that she was fooling around, but that I was staying with her FB. Of course I didn't mention to the guy that I was taking Exotic out. I told her the truth, calling it my friend's house not her FB's, to which she said "Oh...I was actually over there hanging out the other night.." I figured, whatever, the fact that she's sleeping with somebody else means she isn't a virgin and I'm more likely to get in her pants, right?

We sit down to watch the movie and I pull her over to me. She seems...reluctant is the wrong word, but non cooperative and non responsive. She let me pull her over, but she didn't adjust herself against me or make it easier for me to adjust her. I soldiered on none the less. She wanted me over to watch a movie with her around 11:30 after a couple of drinks, why wouldn't she be interested in hooking up?

A half hour or so into the movie I was bored and decided that now would be the time to make a move, despite the general lack of new signs that she wanted it.

"Exotic, do you want to kiss me?"

"Uhh did you just say that? Haha, um I've never been asked like that before..uhh I don't kiss on the first (she was about to say date but stopped herself) hang out thing getting to know each other deal."

"umm..ok."

"You didn't expect that huh?"

"No, not really."

We continued watching the movie and making commentary - it just sucked. I tried to convey that it didn't matter to me that we weren't hooking up, but I was so shocked at her rejection that I recovered POORLY and I'm sure couldn't have fixed it. When it came time to leave I lingered around looking for a hug, she didn't walk with me to the door (it was in the same room but she was cleaning up and unplugging her laptop while I was moving toward it), and I didn't want to just walk out without giving her one because I was afraid that would look like I was pouting. She finally came over and hugged me - a very friend feeling hug, short and devoid of feeling. And I left.

I was distraught and more than confused. I cannot accept "I don't kiss on the first date" as a sufficient reason. I thought every sign was there, everything had gone so well up to that point. I went back to my friend's place (it was now almost two am) and found the door locked, didn't want to wake anybody up so I called the old FB. Spent the night with her, but sleeping with her was bland, unexciting and ashen after what felt like a horrible failure and a blow to my self esteem, as well as a confirmation of some of my worst fears and insecurities about myself.

It wasn't until today that I remembered what I have settled on to be the reason for our not having hooked up. That small detail about where I was staying.

How uncomfortable for her. I know nothing about her relationship with her FB but perhaps he wants her, emotionally, but she isn't interested and she doesn't want to destroy him by having me accidentally reveal that she and I hooked up. Maybe she didn't want to feel like a slut - it being easy for her to sleep with a new guy while seeing the old one, but when confronted by the actual reality of both of them knowing each other, and probably seeing each other, could have triggered her ASD. It could be any number of things, but I do believe that it was that single complicating factor, coming out between us so close to the end of the evening, that screwed me over.

I texted her today, hoping to recover if there was any need to do so:

Me: How are your arms? My fingers have some nice red almost callouses

Exotic: Haha...my shoulders are feeling it for sure. My hands are definitely going to look ugly.

Me: Peasant hands haha. I wanted to apologize got my reaction last night. You have every right to say no, I was just confused and... bad at recovering.

Exotic: No worries at all. I'm sorry for the way I responded. All in all though, I had a great time.

Me: Me too =) that bar is a gem. I'll let you know when I'm back in town

Exotic: Yeah for sure! May have to do the bouldering thing again.

Me: haha we could use the practice.

So it feels like it's genuinely still on, unless I've missed something and am not overly optimistic in thinking it was that one factor, not the lack of interest or chemistry, that kept us from hooking up (though perhaps a better man could have pushed through it all). I'll contact her for a second date the next time I'm in town. My lack of availability has to be SOMEWHAT sexy!

Pedestal

2010-02-28T15:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I had an interesting experience.

I've been going back and forth, pretty much all year, between these two girls who I really like. I've been trying to decide which I like better, and which I have a chance with. I think they both like me, on some level or another, but one girl more than the other. We'll call them Dancey and Artsy. They are best friends.

Recently I've been thinking that Artsy is more into me, and I had been leaning more in her direction. She's beautiful, knows how to dress herself and become even moreso, has an artistic side which I admire, and experiences emotion without feeling the compulsion to analyze it, which is a quality I envy.

Last night I was at a party at Artsy's house, and there was a guy friend of mine, DG, also there. A couple weeks back, Artsy and DG had madeout at a party. DG is an awesome guy, and he's dangerously handsome, but there isn't a whole lot to him as a person. He's positive, but not very 'alpha' or manly. Just really good looking and on the soccer team. Anyway, I didn't expect he would be much competition, because when I showed up he was bordering on blacked out, sloppy drunk. The alcohol was gone, so I played it all sober.

Anyway, I get pulled onto the dance floor with a bunch of lovely females, and I see DG and Artsy dancing together in the about-to-makeout style of dance. I felt a twinge of jealousy, decided, fuck that, and kept dancing. I looked back and Artsy was literally humping DG's leg. It's actually kind of comical to think about because they were so drunk they had no idea how ridiculous it looked. It was as if she was trying to grind a hole in his right pant leg, all pretense at dancing abandoned, but both with very serious looks on their faces. I didn't want to get into a bad mood and just stare, so I left to "get some water" much to the chagrin of the girls I was dancing with.

I'm upstairs flirting with another girl, determined not to let the night be bad for me because Artsy wanted DG and not me. They come upstairs, holding hands with one finger, and join the room I'm in. They hang out a bit, and later on in the night I see DG laying on Artsy's bed (door was open, light on) with Artsy standing awkwardly as somebody talked to her, obviously waiting for the spare to get out of the room.

I was upset, but underneath that upset, I felt my attraction for Artsy fading. This made a couple of theories as to why pop into my head (sidenote, I saw DG walking home this morning when I was coming back from grabbing breakfast, he obviously spent the night). The first, which inspired the title of this post, was that subconsciously, I put women on pedestals because I want them to be worthy of being on that pedestal. I want them to fit the standard that I've set for them. The other theory, is that as a defense against feeling bad about losing this battle, I started losing attraction to keep from thinking of it as a bad loss, as if I had managed to lie to myself this whole year about being interested in Artsy after having seen her "true colors."

I think both theories have some merit, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle (or perhaps there's a third or fourth option I haven't considered). I did think it was gross that Artsy hooked up with DG. As good looking as DG is, and as nice and positive as he is (and as much as he's on the soccer team), he was sloppy fucking drunk. He would sway on the spot as we talked. If he had looked up at the ceiling, he would have fallen backward. I can't imagine he was saying much that was very interesting. (this says a lot about what I think it takes, or should take, to attract a girl). So Artsy's standard for who she wanted, to me, seemed abysmally low, and the fact that she took what was in my opinion a worse option than me, made me think that she was beneath me, not worthy of her pedestal, which dimmed my attraction for her.

There's also the whole variable that I've been considering Dancey and Artsy as girlfriend material. The kind of women I would break my 5-6 year streak of singleness for. That being the case, it makes a lot of sense that I wouldn't be as interested in Artsy. Yes I'd still bang her. But would I date her? No. So cramming that into the frame of the pedestal explanation, she was on a girlfriend material pedestal, and proved she wasn't worth it.

I suppose I'll be focusing more energy on Dancey from now on. Somehow, this both makes me glad, and excites me.

Something I Wrote this Summer and Forgot About

2010-02-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

I wrote this piece while I was attempting to write for two hours per day, on anything. I remember it being extremely difficult to keep writing and unwilling to go back and revise (hence the speaker's final few lines), but having just gone through it, I am very happy. Nay, I am impressed. There are places this could be improved or clarified, but for a first draft...it makes for an interesting read.

It's about 3 and a half single spaced typed pages. 10-15 minute read. If you've got the stomach, take it on.

It is written as a fictitious future authority figure addressing an imaginary audience of the past.

***

Whatever I say is true. There is no disputing it. When I speak, the words I choose are neither carefully chosen nor eloquent. I make no use of older persuasion techniques. I do not speak to you through a frame or attempt to correct my language and mask my intentions. I speak, and it is so.

I have authority.

I have heard of times past where authority was questionable; where a single dissenter could cause waves of disrupt powerful enough to unbalance any system. It is no longer so. And the process to make it so, to make things as they are and will be, has so long since finished that its beginnings are lost. I will make an effort to discover it, and by my effort, those lost facts will become reality.

Human beings were seen as vessels capable of perceiving the world and interpreting what they see. They were capable of abstract thought, of decision making, and in short, they were seen as conscious. The fundamental choice of a human being, which by definition of the time made them human, was to be conscious or not. The greatest failing of human beings, the greatest obstacle to consciousness as I shall define it, is the concept of effort.

In order to make a conscious decision, action, or even the simplest and most fundamental of all choices, the choice to be conscious, requires a force of effort. The choice of unconsciousness is automatic. It requires no expenditure of ‘effort.’ If one accepts by the traditional rules of economics that greater resources are superior to a resource deficit, and accepts further that ‘effort’ is a an expendable force and has limits, one reaches what could once have been called Original Sin. The sin is such that, in order to be conscious, one must incur a deficit of effort, a decline of the spirit and of enjoyment. The battle is between ease and effort, and is sinful in that there is a dissonance at all between happiness and achievement in the human mind. However, in order to be unconscious, one incurs no debt and experiences no unhappiness. The only requirement is that some men, and I of course refer to those men of authority such as myself, must take upon themselves the burden that is consciousness, and incur the debt of effort, in order for the unconscious to have a source of motive power – else they simply lie still.

By removing the burden of consciousness, effort expenditure ceases. Life becomes easy. Simply do. No choice, for choice requires effort. Even the concept of doing or not is irrelevant, as we have come so far as to correct the error of humanity, the original sin. The choice to be unconscious or not no longer exists. We make the decision before a man is born, whether or not he will be conscious.

I sense there will be an air of unacceptability to what I have said to any listener who has not experienced our way of life. They may question those truths that I utter (which is unheard of now, but even still) in favor of ‘their truth.’ Understand, that the human mind is a logical machine, and provided you give it proper logical fuel, that is to say arguments that follow a clear linear method, the mind gives the body permission by which to experience ‘truth.’

The miracle of truth is far from what some ancient men may have believed of it. By my understanding (and thus it is so) the concept of truth was unchangeable. Some ethereal idea that, once grasped, held the keys to existence. Men, gripped in original sin and unaware of the fundamental struggle to be conscious or not, sought out the truth in whatever way they might. There were those, the ancestors of the people, who moved toward whatever truth was most convincing, followed the straightest logical path (with logical inventions such as ‘faith’ which is a circumvention of logical fallacy, this became much easier). And there are those who chose consciousness, and learned to understand truth for what it is.

Through my choice of language you may have already understood one of the fallacies that gripped the ancient man. The idea of multiple truths, exemplified by the phrase popular at the time ‘my truth is not your truth’ which, if one applies the proper logic, one realizes that a statement of that nature is a negation of what truth represents. This is because the ancient peoples did not understand what the reality of ‘truth’ is, and so they believed in their gods and political systems, in order to discover ‘truth.’
The reality of truth, is emotional. Truth is a feeling that can be experienced by a man, provided his mind machine is fed the proper logic fuel. The earliest people experienced the world without the aid of science, and so created reason for it to be. Logical paths by which one can come to understanding, false or not, that is experienced as the emotion of truth. The Aborigines believed great canyon’s were carved by massive serpents, for this makes logical sense when the canyon’s resemble the patterns left by snakes in sand. The Greeks believed a multitude of gods controlled everything from childbirth to weather, for it can be made to make logical sense that there is a force outside ourselves which drives those things we cannot understand.

They did not tell these stories under the assumption that it was only a story for entertainment, to be corrected upon a better understanding. They created a logical fuel, fed it to their mind, experienced ‘truth’ and then further committed the error of identifying the emotion (and all emotions are fleeting and continually changing) with an empirical reality. Because I have felt and experienced ‘truth’ there is a body of ‘truth’ that can be discovered and lived continuously. Is there more beautiful logic than this?

Each belief system built upon older, less ‘true’ systems, each catering to different crowds, and each claiming to hold exclusive rights to the real estate of empirical ‘truth.’ It was often the case that even those with power and status within systems of truth-claim, did not hold stock in their truth-claim. They were conscious, or at least they were to a degree.

Consciousness, although it lies at the start with one choice (to be or not) is a continual choice, a forever struggle between conscious and unconscious. Because the struggle never ends, there are degrees of consciousness. A person who chooses to make conscious action, to expend effort only half the time, cannot be said to be fully conscious. And thus we have those men of whom I spoke, who can partake in a truth-claim, and simultaneously hold no regard for it as ‘truth.’

There is an old saying, popular among the unconscious as a defense of their unconsciousness, which has since become anachronous in the light of our world order. Saying is a misleading term for this thing, which is in reality a concept, however it gave birth to many sayings. The concept is that of difficulty or ‘hardness.’ Something can be ‘too hard’ and thus seemingly unachievable (but wait!). It can have a high degree of ‘difficulty’ and appear unapproachable. However, when one examines these terms closely, one comes to realize that beneath the contexts of this concept and these sayings is a line of fine print. Something that is too hard, is not necessarily unachievable, but is achievable only through a large expenditure of effort. Whether or not to expend this effort becomes a mathematical equation, and a person decides, because they have accepted that effort is an expendable commodity, whether or not an action is ‘worth it.’ Of course, if effort were not expendable, anything that could be seen as rewarding becomes worth it. A gain of a skill or an achievement at the cost of nothing but time, only if effort were seen as coming from an unlimited source. Because most ancient people’s accepted, without thought, and thus unconsciously, that effort is limited, even those who are making choices (conscious, and thus expending effort) to not do something, are doing so from a base position of unconsciousness. If one stays with the accepted idea of effort as expendable, and one experiences a moment of ‘truth’ that requires no effort, the logical conclusion is that truth is something that does not require much if any effort, and thus if you are ‘working too hard’ or expending too much effort, you are not moving in the direction of truth, and must choose another route.

The search for a way of doing without a large expenditure of effort is a journey into unconsciousness. The easiest way, is to be told. Older political ideologies and religious faiths gave a prescribed code of behavior, of living and morality, to those who could not (chose not to be conscious enough) discover for themselves what way to live.

Hold your thoughts, if you believe I have just contradicted myself, for to discover for oneself what way is best to live, is to go against the idea that there is only one truth, that truth has an empirical reality and can be discovered. It is indeed, but it is not a contradiction, for it comes back to the original choice of consciousness or unconsciousness. A conscious person, a person who takes upon himself the burden and responsibility of bearing that consciousness, does not hold with the idea of a single truth, or even the empirical reality of truth in the manner in which the unconscious speak of it. They have not bought into the notion of ‘truth’, but instead recognize it’s nature as a feeling.

To be unconscious in the old world was to be unhappy, and to be conscious was to live through ones own effort, but to be happy by it. This notion has changed by our effort, the new conscious. There was no system in place to keep the unconscious in a life that is fully unconscious, they had to deal with reality eventually, on their own, and it caused great pain. They had moments where consciousness was unavoidable, where their nature (the desire to be unconscious) clashed with what reality required, conscious effort and thought (the struggle of original sin).

Now, we allow men to experience full unconsciousness. Without any choice of whether or not to be conscious or unconscious, there is no dissonance in the premises that are accepted. A person that is semi conscious, who has accepted that effort may be expended and is not unlimited, will experience pain. We do not give the choice of what premise to accept in effort. Because there is no choice, there is no expenditure of effort in the traditional sense, and thus there is full happiness. Because we provide truth, in every word we utter, there is no search for truth. It is lived (in its truest sense, as a feeling, but also in it’s mythical sense as an empirical reality, because we are truth). A perfect society, with perfect happiness.
What of those of us who have been chosen to live consciously. How do we men of authority function in this world of the unconscious? We are the motive power of all men, the source of their achievement. We are the effort, mind and will, they are the body. Whatever we choose becomes a reality, whatever we decree becomes truth. Our existence is as happy as those who live under us, but with the burden of consciousness and effort. We move the world.

But what of you, who have come so far in reading this message. Surely the logic was pleasing to your mind, but how ‘hard pressed’ would you be to recall its exact line? I was misleading before when I said the body experiences truth when the mind follows the proper logical path. Yes, that is true, but the truth is most effective, most fully engrained, when the logic cannot be recalled, and the listener is unconscious to the point of accepting that first feeling of truth as reality. Once it is accepted, there is no further need to move back, to analyze. The answer is there, you ‘feel it’ but to go back and find it would require an expenditure of effort. Is it not more blissful to ‘take on faith’ that what you read was sound enough to justify your feeling of truth?

What I ask you now, is to go back to your fundamental choice. To be conscious or not. Will you accept my conclusion (which I assure you, is truth at its most pristine), or will you question it? I offer you this choice in full knowledge and confidence of what your answer will be. I am authority. You are not a threat.

Turning Her Down

2009-12-02T13:26:00.001-08:00

I've been putting myself through a personal challenge the last few months. The night before I began the challenge, I was in conversation with a certain girl (I've mentioned her here before, I don't know if she has a name on here, I'll call her Modi) and she said to me something that struck me so deeply, that rang so fully with understanding of myself and what I was saying to her, that I almost cried. I told her about my challenge. That night we had sex and parted ways. I wasn't certain what I wanted to do with it, but I was certain that we'd built a certain bond. Whatever that bond is/was remains to be seen.

We had been chatting recently and she mentioned that some guy she was kind of seeing (not exclusively) was miserable in bed. We ended up talking about ourselves and our experience together, what we like and don't like. Near the end of the discussion I thought of how much fun it would be to take this girl out on a date, a legitimate date. So I asked her, she said yes, and we set a date. I had planned to get sushi, bring it and some wine out to a place where we could park overlooking the city, eat, then go together to a comedy club in town. Rarely do I ever put that much thought into a date (it's usually just a movie at my place, or dinner then a movie at my place).

Two days before the date she called me up and said that she was sorry, but she had forgotten about plans that she had made with somebody else before she and I made plans. She sounded very sincere and said that she wanted to reschedule when we got back from our Thanksgiving break. I believed her, and as it turns out she was being sincere.

She got in contact with me again and asked when we could reschedule our date. I set a date and time for this Friday.

She texted me today:

Modi - Hey mister, so is there any way our date could be tomorrow?
Modi - Or could we do it saturday? My friend needs some moral support on friday night

Me - Support for what?

Modi - An ex girlfriend thing

Me - Help your friend

Modi - Can we still see each other on saturday?

Me - Nah, don't worry about it

Modi - What? I wanted to see you...do you not want to hang out with me? I'm not blowing you off

Me - Try to see it from my perspective. I've already turned down 2 invites for friday because of our plans. How important does this look to me vs you

Me - I'm not upset, but I'd feel like a tool if I rescheduled so you can put somebody over me a second time.

Then she called me. I contemplated not picking up, but I did. She said that she had rescheduled with her friend, told him she couldn't break plans with me and he (based on her tone) resentfully said he would find somebody else. She asked if we could still go out and I said I'd rather not. To me, the idea of going out together after this has happened sounds almost like just going through the motions for the sake of it. The original excitement has left it, it feels like pity coming from her since she hurt my feelings, so to speak, and I worry that she might be resentful that I couldn't be a nice guy and just reschedule.

I'm certain I could overcome all of that, and make it as if nothing could happen. But I don't feel like summing up the emotional energy for it.

I had one friend invite me to a wrestling tournament that he and his friends are having (I love wrestling) on the same day as my date was scheduled with Modi. I told him I had plans and couldn't make it this week. I had one of my girl friends invite me out with her and her group of sexy females to an 80's night downtown. No thanks group of 10 females and me, I've got a date Friday.

Then some dude calls her up and says he needs moral support for an ex girlfriend thing. I don't even know what that is, and it doesn't matter to me. That she was unwilling to try to get him to understand her plans, and try, at the very least try to get him to find somebody else or work it around her plans with me, says that she isn't as interested or excited as I am for our date. Furthermore, she's disrespecting me by thinking that it's A-OK for her to reschedule on me a second time, and that I'll just sit back and nod yes because she's a woman and that's what 'nice' guys do.

She didn't convince me to reschedule. I told her we'd do it another time. I don't know if I meant it.

I've never turned a woman who was interested in me down before this. She canceled on the other guy and basically came crawling back, and I told her no. I didn't tell her because that was "the alpha" thing to do, I did it because I felt very disrespected by her behavior and didn't want to go out with somebody (especially put thought and money into going out) who would treat me like that. A second rate option.

Am I over reacting here?

Gaga

2009-11-23T12:42:00.001-08:00

Lady Gaga makes me want to get into pickup again, and get super good. I have no idea why, but that's all I think about when I hear her music.

Just thought of this...

2009-11-15T13:28:00.001-08:00

I was just thinking, and I might come back to this later and see if it still resonates with me...

You can like a body, but the girl is what's left over after you cum.

So the difference between being attracted to somebody and being interested in them is what you still see after you've had an orgasm. I could only be speaking for myself (but I doubt it) but after I finish, the physical desire for a woman's body disappears, even if only for a few seconds. It is replaced by reason and clear thinking. It's the time where after you just had sex with a girl who isn't on BC, without a condom because in the heat of the moment you said "fuck it," you say "Oh fuck." It's the time where you make the decision of whether or not you're going to ever want to see this girl again, or if you're me, whether or not you tricked yourself into mistaking attraction for "liking."

So if you're genuinely interested in who she is, or if you're "attracted" to her, as a being and not as a body, that is what remains. That is what you see during that moment of clarity. I've definitely said this before, and I've definitely thought it prior to this writing, but I've never come up with a phrase that's quite as stylistically pleasing as the one that inspired this post:

"You can like a body, but the girl is what's left over after you cum."

New Directions

2009-11-01T20:57:00.001-08:00

Reading over my previous posts, I really enjoy the kind of deep thinking and personal insight that I've experienced over the lifetime of this blog, and further. I don't have a central thesis to talk about as of the writing of this sentence, so I expect this to be somewhat disjointed. All of the ideas that come out are in progress and do not necessarily accurately reflect my feelings and thoughts at present.

Part of me misses when I would go out as often as possible and come out with a new theory every week about life, women and relationships. Part of me feels as though that's not me anymore, and that as I grow and change, so too will my focus of energy and ideas. Part of me just misses the drama of caring so god damned much about girls.

I'm gunna throw out some statistics about myself that aren't a hundred percent accurate (I'd rather not dig up the evidence to support them).

I discovered the pickup community in September of 2006, my freshman year of college. I first read The Game that month, and read The Venusian Arts Handbook in October.

Prior to that, I had slept with 6 different women. I had hooked up with (meaning further than just kissing and groping) probably a dozen or so, and I had kissed around 15 or 20.

I lost my virginity at the age of 16 when I was a sophomore in high school near the end of the year, which means that I had about two and a half years of active sex life before discovering the community.

That's around three women slept with per year, to make the math simple.

In that time I had 4 relationships that were worth remembering or that had an impact on me.

As I stand now, it's been about three to three and a half years since I discovered the community.

I've had sex with 22 or 23 different women (I'll say 22 and be conservative), hooked up with...fuck... probably over 30, and kissed well over 70. I've probably been sexually involved (meaning at least kissed (in a sexual way, not just friendly)) with over 100 people.

In terms of sex, that's about six people per year.

If my stats are anywhere near accurate (and I question whether they are), I've doubled my sexual productivity, about tripled my hook up productivity, and about tripled or quadrupled my kissing productivity. Wow. Them's some numbers.

Since discovering the community, I've had I think only three decent/impactful relationships. I feel like that can't be right and I must be forgetting somebody, but if I'm forgetting them, how meaningful or impactful was the relationship?

This seems like compelling evidence for the contention that the community has not strengthened my ability to find women who I like having a relationship with, or can keep around. This has been a concern of mine, that I hook up with women who I don't like. Interesting to see it written out like this, but I have another direction I'd like to take this information.

According to the Kinsey Institute website ( http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html ) which may have information as recent as 2005, the average man age 30-44 reports only 6-8 sexual partners in their lifetime. In terms of sexual numbers, I'm an outlier to an enormous degree, I'm a statistical superhuman. I've almost tripled the upper estimate of a statistic reported on men who are at least eight years my senior. At 6 people per year on average, that is another 48 women onto my original 22, for a grand total of 70 women by the time I'm 30.

If sex is as important as I've made it; if it is as central to life and being as I have placed it, and if it holds as crucial a place in my values as it has, then I should be a person of the utmost self esteem and pride. Especially in light of the numbers up above.

But I'm not.

Granted, I genuinely believe I have higher self esteem than the majority of people I know, but that does not mean that I have high self esteem.

If the purpose of life, as Mystery likes to say again and again, is to survive and to replicate, what place in the world does that leave for achievement? If the only measure of your potency as a human being is the number and quality of the sexual partners you've had, and pride and self esteem is the barometer of that success, why am I not three times happier and more self fulfilled than the average person? And if I am (which sometimes I think I am) what does that say about our abysmally low standard for what qualifies as a happy, fulfilled life?

More important, is my choice of the word "sometimes" above. It came out as things naturally do, not out of a careful reasoned decision. My happiness and self esteem has been as variable as the choice of a single card from a deck. However statistically superhuman my sexual efforts may be, my feeling of self esteem and overall happiness does not reflect what it seems should be the logical outcome of such a life. To a person whose primary value is getting laid, who is faced with evidence that he has already well surpassed the lifetime numbers of an average man, should he not feel proud of what he has done and accomplished?

And the simple answer is, no, he should not. We have made a mistake as men (as humans even) in placing sex as a primary value. Even those who denounce sex as evil or dirty place it as one of their highest values, but as a negative. I am and have been one of the worst proponents of this mistake. The mistake is not just placing sex as a value, but in thinking of sex as an achievement.

Sex is not an achievement.

If the purpose of human life is to survive and to replicate, we should not live in the world we live in now. There would be no sky scrapers, no airplanes, no fast food or video games. There would be no birth control. There would be nothing in this world that we did not need to survive and to replicate if we were just little social robots programmed to fuck and continue the cycle.

Therefore, the purpose of life is NOT simply to survive and to replicate. Furthermore, some deeper desire has actively STOPPED us from attempting to live in a survive and replicate manner, some man has ACHIEVED something to do that, and it is called birth control.

As another premise, there exists in this world things that might be described as achievements. If sex is not one of these, we still have a myriad of things to choose from and call achievement, those things listed above to start. If those things exist, then there must be a higher driving force that causes them to exist, some innate desire in humans to achieve, to create.

Therefore, one primary purpose of life is to achieve. "Why?" is an interesting question, and I do not have an answer. I do know that it is not circular. In order to achieve, one must make progress, and progress is an upward motion, it does not come back around to where it started (as with replication - have kids, who have kids, who have kids, simply to keep on having kids).

Sex is a non-value that we have mistaken as a value. I'll explore this issue further in another post.

The Curse of Aptitude

2009-09-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

Aptitude is defined as follows, "An inherent ability, as for learning; a talent: an aptitude for mathematics."

My whole life, one of my worst fears has been mediocrity. And yet, I've kept myself under it's oppressive force for as far back as I can remember. Each and every time that I've become good at something, demonstrated some kind of ability, and then been met with a challenge that would take me to my limit, I've quit or walked away.

When I was younger, eight years old or so, I was a damn good gymnast. I had been doing gymnastics for several years and feats of strength (such as rolling backward into a handstand) which amazed my parents, felt effortless for me. I was doing so well, that my coach asked that I take part in an upcoming competition. That was the last day I attended practice. I told myself for years it was because I didn't like competition and was just in it for fun.

In school, after 8th or 9th grade, math started to become a serious challenge. In 7th grade, when I still had good work habits, I would work myself to tears trying to understand the math, my parents helping me as much as I would allow them. But as I aged, I became 'more independent' and no longer asked for help with my homework. I started doing the bare minimum to get some sort of credit. It was in 10th grade that I truly discovered girls, and in the three hours it took me to finish an instant message conversation, I didn't have time for math homework, and I quit doing it.

This precipitated a drop in my grades, which I rationalized away as my not being any good at math, having no talent for it. The evidence for which being the A's in all my other subjects. A's that I literally put no effort into achieving.

The only subject in middle and high school that gave me any trouble was math and math based sciences such as chemistry and physics. Without doing any homework (very rarely at least) I managed C's and sometimes C+'s. My aptitude, my ability to just look at something and get it to a point, had brought me A's in everything, but in math, the one challenge, it got me C's. Because of the other A's, I convinced my parents I was working as hard as I could and just wasn't getting it, and they became as complacent with my C's as I was. Thus, I began to acquire the habit of only achieving so far as my aptitude would take me. I was a C student getting A's because I never faced a challenge.

I joined the wrestling team in High school because I enjoyed Ju Jitsu and had never tried a school sport (nor had my brothers). I had two friends on the team going in, and found it hard to make genuine connections with anybody else, being simultaneously older and less experienced.

Practice was the hardest thing I've ever done physically. Each practice I would retreat into my head and hope with everything I had that I would make it through without breaking down or vomiting. Each night when I would get into bed I would cry out in physical pain as I laid my stiff and damaged body down to sleep.

My first meet, I pinned my first ever opponent, got beat once badly, and gave another guy such a battle that his coach came over and shook my hand in astonishment at the end of the match. My coach took me aside and told me the other coaches had been inquiring about me and where I came from. I was so proud and so exhilarated by the competition, something I had never felt before.

When my friends, for medical and other reasons, could no longer be on the team, I found myself without a support group to keep me going. I arrived for practice one day and found everybody gearing up for a meet that, somehow, had come up without my notice. I was so embarrassed, and I didn't have my friends there to talk to me and tell me it was fine, just to work through it, that I made the decision to quit right there. I walked up to the coach, told him timidly that my grades were slipping and, as a senior I needed to prioritize and couldn't wrestle anymore. He shook my hand and said ok, nothing else.

I went home, collapsed on my bed and cried. Inside, I was torn apart by a storm of emotions I couldn't identify or understand. I beat my pillow and cried and screamed and couldn't stop the pain from taking over.

It took me a year or longer to understand why, and up until this moment to write it down alongside my other experiences.

The common theme in all of these experiences is that I got good at something, relatively quickly, and without a great deal of effort (if any). My aptitude carried me through every moment in my life that might have been challenging for any other person, and thus, I never learned what it feels like to want something and have to bring yourself to the edge of destruction in order to achieve it. I never learned to put effort into what I was doing and actually earn my rewards.

What I had learned, was where to stop. When my aptitude could take me no further, that was the point I would become frustrated and either quit or settle.

It was in quitting wrestling that I experienced the pain of behaving this way most acutely. I had already been pushing myself beyond breaking five days per week, and had experienced the great reward of getting on the mat with nobody to rely on but myself and battling my opponent to the end. I had the respect of people whose opinions mattered to me, without the arrogance of thinking that I had nothing left to learn. When I quit, it was the only evidence I had ever presented myself with that, unequivocally, demonstrated how below average I really was. People who I had considered stupid or weak, I could see now, had put more effort, more of themselves into everything they had ever done, and still not achieved as highly as me. And when it came my turn to put on those shoes, I quit.

My aptitude has carried me through college, gotten me (mostly) average women, and brought me to student teaching with a chip on my shoulder and a nothing-left-to-learn attitude. My cooperating teacher observed a lesson I taught last friday and tore me apart with her criticism. It was very humbling, and I felt the same fear that I felt every time I went to wrestling practice, the fear that this time I wouldn't make it, that I would give up, that I wasn't good enough, and that I had so much to learn that I could never possibly cover it all and demonstrate competence. I felt, quite clearly, that I wanted to stand up, collect my things and leave the room, never to come back.

Thank god for investment.

I either grow, or I fail and the last three years in college will have been a waste. You can imagine what choice I made. I want to be a teacher, and it is my great fortune that it will not be an easy road. I know that because I am striving to improve and to not only meet a bench mark, but surpass it, that I will have earned my certification. I will have earned my self esteem.

So be careful of aptitude, of talent, of ability that you did nothing to earn. It's a great gift to be able to do something well, and do so quickly, but a great curse if you allow that point where things become difficult, to be the point where you stop. Pretty good is no better than mediocre.

The Piano Speech

2009-08-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

One of the best motivational speeches given at this years 21 Convention. Nick Sparks' Piano Speech.

If you're ever feeling down or frustrated, watch that one, and then this one...the "you're so money" speech

21 Convention ’09 Review/Recap

2009-07-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

I intend this to be as much a review of The 21 Convention put on by Dream as it is a recap of each speech and the content covered. The event, newly changed from The Under 21 Convention, now that the focus isn’t as specifically on the under 21 pickup crowd, spanned across four full days from as early as 10 am until 8 pm each night. Generally the format was, two speakers followed by a lunch break, then three more speakers after lunch, with shorter breaks between each speech. You can imagine how much content was covered in the allotted time. Let’s get to it.

Day 1

Dream

After introducing the convention, Dream launched into his speech that he titled “Rise Above.” Life lessons, personal stories, and revelations formed the meat of the content, all geared toward the idea that, in my words, no matter how bad it gets you can always come out on top and still kicking. From heartbreaking loss to financial ruin, he laid it all out on the line, putting on a solid performance.

El Topo

The second speaker, El Topo, began by talking about what makes a good instructor and what the role of the instructor is and how they can accomplish it. He then delved into his methodology of game and how to implement it. Topo quickly transformed questions from the crowd such as “what is one thing you like about yourself and one thing you dislike” through these methods into personal and specific grounding routines. The man demonstrated a complete knowledge of the topic he covered and never failed to address any specific question about himself or what he teaches. He’s one of the genuinely good guys out there who cares about helping out and giving back, putting on multiple talks at the end of each day and even taking somewhere around 10 guys out each night to work specifically with – for free.

Julian Foxx

Highlights of this speaker included several drills that he teaches to his paying students, a method of creating incentive to go out and accomplish your goals, and several specific techniques. A low energy, but none the less knowledgeable speaker.

Adonis

Everything you could want to know about same night lays: where to take her, how to do it, when to do it, and techniques for making it happen. The man is a veritable machine set to ‘Fuck’ who managed to take time off to speak about the mechanisms that turn his gears. Very solid speech from a gifted and extremely knowledgeable speaker, the man also went out and made himself available to guys in-field at no charge.

Nilatak

A return speaker from the ’07 convention and the man who gave me the single best feedback post in response to a field report ever, Nilatak just had a short time to jump on stage and do some short demonstrations. He had three guys from the audience, at different skill levels, come on stage and approach him, after which he would break down what was good, what wasn’t, and how to fix common problems. Good stuff, great guy.

Psych

From PUA Training, Psych was a convention attendee and audience member last year, turned trainer and speaker this year. He talked on his concept of social game, adding value, and what he considers to be the three keys to pickup: likeability, persuasion and sexuality. Pulling back from the game for a bit, he showed a brief clip of AFC Adam from last year’s convention, where Adam calls Psych out as the man to watch, as a man who will soon be very, very good. He then called out the entire audience; if he can come here as an attendee and come back one year later as a speaker, as a man who has accomplished his goals and become greater than the collective mediocrity, then any and every person in the audience can do the same. Great speech and a solid guy.

Day 2

Hshudo

Social circle and college game highlighted one of this year’s youngest speakers. He talked about his mindsets in pickup, told a few stories, and shared some techniques including having your girl bring over a friend for your roommate and visa versa to ease the process and expand your circle. A little nervous at first, he spoke quickly, but as time passed he eased into his groove and gave a decent speech.

Erika Awakening

I’ll hold back a little because I think a few things caused me to be closed off and biased against her presentation, but here is how I saw it. Erika talked about “Spiritual Seduction: how to change your love life through your belief system” which is actually a topic that interests me greatly. Beginning with her story of a near death experience, Erika then broke down the difference between types of beliefs, talked on the importance of vibes and becoming conscious/aware/present. Her new company does therapy for clients with limiting beliefs through a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique. Many of the guys I spoke with enjoyed her speech, but I found myself a skeptic. She nearly broke down during her story of near death, gave a rather disjointed and bare bones speech, and when I asked specific questions on the mechanics of EFT, she was unable to answer and even referred to it as ‘magic.’ I encourage anybody reading this to watch the video and form their own opinion.

Francis Adams

From the Campus Casanova crew, he talked about college game. Francis is a funny and energetic guy who was able to bring a lot of new and, as far as I know, innovative concepts to the table including his five social circle rules and his concept of female attraction ‘simmering’ and how to use this to your advantage. I especially liked his angle on being friendly and flirty with everybody, not just the girls you’re into, and his idea of “falling in love a little with every girl.” I know just what you mean man. Good stuff.

Nick Sparks

From The Social Man, Nick talked briefly on college game and then got into his main topic of sexualizing body language. This guy has reached the peak of charismatic, an incredibly gifted speaker. He demonstrated some simple techniques on how to generate sexual chemistry through body posture, touch, proximity, and eye contact on Erika, and I swear she actually fell in love with him on stage. Watch the video and tell me I’m wrong. At the end of his time he gave what I’ve been referring to as “The Piano Speech” the most inspirational and exciting speech since the ‘you’re money and you don’t even know it’ segment in Swingers. Just to get it in writing, Dream you had better have your editing guys cut that part out of the end of his speech so you can upload it as a specific video in and of itself, alongside the full talk. One of the best speeches given at the entire event.

Christian Hudson

Formerly of Charisma Arts, Christian started his own company, The Social Man. Before getting into the gamey portion of his speech, Christian gave a sort of father to son style speech, a cocktail of respect, kicks in the ass, and genuine reverent inspiration. I can’t say specifically he said as I was so enamored with his words that I forgot to take notes, except “A winner is a man who refuses to accept his situation, and does something about it.” A real man of action, he gave some specific techniques and conversational tools, as well as concepts on arousal and how to talk. Fantastic speech.

Day 3

AFC Adam Lyons

Filling in for some people who couldn’t make it, Adam gave two different talks. The first was all about closing, which included techniques for making it happen, ways of easing the transition, and hilarious stories to illustrate every point. His second speech was more in depth and advanced, covering frame control and 4 specific methods of doing so verbally. He also talked on, and demonstrated physical frame control. What I love about Adam is his speeches are so well put together and rehearsed, that they don’t even sound like they’re rehearsed and planned ahead. I couldn’t tell which parts were adlibbed and which parts he had said a dozen times in the past. Adam puts across an energy and enthusiasm that is unparalleled by anybody I’ve come into contact with in the community (and with all the talent that shows up to the 21C, that’s saying something). One of the best technical pickup speeches of ’09.

Gone Savage

Savage took things in a different direction, talking about female sexuality and what it is that women desire in a man. He talked about debriefing questions to ask your girls, how to be a unique and compelling man in her life, and the difference between the masculine and the feminine. A very chill and different speaker, he brought something entirely new to the table.

Dream #2

Controversial and the only speech to receive a standing ovation, Dream gave his second speech of the convention on proper exercise and nutrition. This speech will challenge everything you think you know about what to eat and how to exercise. Well put together, Dream really knows what he’s talking about. The relevance of this speech to becoming an attractive man is a no brainer, and as Dream put it, no woman is going to tell you “your six pack is way too tight, get out of here.”

Drew Baye

The second speech on health and exercise, Drew talked about High Intensity Training. The man knows more about exercise than most of the speakers know about pickup. For any body looking to get involved in a program that will give you the best results, for the least amount of time in the gym, this speech is the best source of fitness advice around. Without a moment of hesitation, Drew answered every question with confidence like a man who invented what he was talking about. He laid out which exercises will most effectively work which muscle groups, how much time to allow for rest and recovery, the concepts behind muscle growth, and what you can expect if you attempt HIT. Really incredible stuff and a talented speaker.

Heartwork

A speaker from last year as well, Heartwork is an instructor for Vin DiCarlo at only 19 years old. A funny and energetic guy, he talked mainly on the friendzone and how to get out of it. Bottom line, “she’s not your fucking friend.” A good speaker, Heartwork was also out in field with a lot of guys.

Day 4

Righthand Man

One of the older speakers, RHM has really been out there and experienced it all. He talked about how women tend to view men and create expectations for how men should behave, what he knows about marriage (17 year veteran), the traditional way for men to go through life (school, college, get a job, get married, have kids, get divorced), and flipping the script on women. A real consciousness raising speech that any guy who is considering an LTR or marriage should look into. Solid speaker, good content.

Nathan

Hailing from RSD, Nathan was the only speaker who was not filmed. He talked about masculine and feminine qualities, and how when you are at least 51% in the masculine, you will have attraction on some level. He did a few short exercises and drills with the group.

DJ Fuji

Fuji really stepped the fuck up this year and took charge, speaking in a second slot to fill in for some speakers who couldn’t make it. Absolutely worth every second. He spoke on the fundamentals of game, how to get better through his DaTE model (Discipline, Training, Execution, which I’ll never forget and regret not answering the questions when he asked about it haha…). Other topics were common sticking points and pitfalls to avoid while learning. The man spoke in such a way as to really grip at a person’s soul and make them realize how far from their potential they really are allowing themselves to sit, comfortably. Without a doubt, the best speech this year.

Ratisse

Returning again after speaking on text game and sexual priming in ’08, Ratisse talked about his style of game this year which is a method for creating massive social proof and really becoming the king of a venue. The guy is a model of dominance, and his philosophy of “if you’re not happy with who you are, change it” really brings this across. No questions, no compromises, just action. He demonstrated how he works a club on stage and talked in depth on his experiences and methods. What a badass.

Elite Q&A Panel

Once again, all of the remaining speakers got on stage together to take questions from the audience on anything and everything, each giving their own input and opinions on particular subjects from dates, to pulling, to strippers.

The Last Word

Once again Dream put on an event that oozed quality from the get go. One of the speakers even commented on how he has spoken at other large pickup events of this nature, and how Dream managed to put together something that was of greater scale, quality, and better organized. And he really did. Four days and 19 speakers on topics ranging from health to same night lays, the 21 convention once again delivered far more content for far less dollar than you’ll find anywhere else in the community. In addition to the speeches, nearly every speaker was more than happy (and emphasized so in their time on stage) to speak with attendees and answer questions, and even in many cases to make themselves available in field for free, or for dramatically reduced prices. This is really what the seduction community was meant to be about, men getting together to help each other improve their lives. The 21 convention is the manifestation of that ideal in reality. See you next year.

-Dasani

Things to come

2009-05-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

I want to write a couple of different posts on here but they're going to take some time to put together, the first moreso than the second.

1. I found Ciaran's post comparing the philosophy of Ayn Rand with the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. Although I enjoyed reading the article, I was disappointed. For one, I disagree with some of his conclusions (the largest of which being the complete incompatibility and fundamental flaws of Objectivism), but for another, and to me the biggest failing, was his almost complete lack of evidence from either text to illustrate his conclusions. I want to write a post that does justice to both thinkers and demonstrates my own view and opinion.

2. I've been reading a lot of men's rights blogs (Pook and Mirror of the soul) and entertainment reading recently, and as great as it is to read about men as being vastly superior to women in every aspect, I disagree with a lot of what I read (some of it is damned funny though). All of them say pretty much the same thing, and while I agree with what they are saying, I disagree that it is women's nature to be as they describe her. I plan to explore this by juxtaposing both arguments alongside Nella Larsen's Quicksand, a novel that I think exemplifies the female mind, albeit a dated work of fiction.

On Thin Ice

2009-05-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

I realized that I tend, more often than not, with both guys and girls (moreso girls) to treat myself as though I am on thin ice and the slightest mistake will send me crashing through. I do this most often over impersonal modes of communication, such as text or internet, where there are no subcommunications or non verbals.

If I say something cheeky over text or over facebook, I start worrying "oh my god, if they take that wrong they're going to be upset/stop talking to me/never want to see me again." Then worse still, I start believing that is true, so I start behaving like it's true. Next time I see that guy I'll say to him "dude I just wanted you to know I was totally kidding the other day when I called you gay" or if I see that girl, I'll avoid her eyes, because I expect that she doesn't want to see me anyway, and why be the weirdo who just doesn't "get it," who sticks around even when she clearly is only tolerating him. Best to apologize or to cut my losses and avoid embarassment.

Seriously? What the fuck are you thinking?

You are not on thin ice. Here are some examples of me thinking I'm on thin ice:

Posting something on a girl's facebook wall and not getting a reply that same day.

Replying to a girl's wall post asking me if we can get a drink sometime (a girl from back home, she means when we're both back in our hometown) with "are you buying? =)" and her not replying immediately.

I actually visualize, when I next check my facebook or phone an hour or so later, if they haven't responded, them sitting at their computer going "god what a loser, I can't believe he said that. Weird" and then making a conscious choice not to reply because girls hate telling the truth/confrontation of any sort. My mind runs wild and I assume all kinds of goofy crap.

I assume that no matter what, I'm on a probationary, trial basis. And any mistake I make is seen as a mistake that I'll consistently make for the duration of their knowing me, and so they just cut me to avoid that awkwardness.

Being on thin ice, is a terrible mindset.

I'm almost always wrong. So why then do I always assume this mindset? The only thing I can think of is a focus on past instances where it came true, as opposed to all of the many instances where it didn't. Those times where it did come true, where I sent a goofy text and the girl went non-responsive and quit answering texts entirely, or when I didn't get a reply on facebook and saw the girl and she avoided my eyes, hurt me a lot more than the instances of a person replying to a text or on facebook, felt good. Like, I can't remember all the millions of times I've successfully avoided injury, but I can remember with crystal clarity all of the times I've hurt myself badly.

I'll have to examine this mindset and get rid of it. Remember the time with Doa where you spent a few hours talking with her, and decided just to let it be as it is? You guys talked together, no need to draw conclusions about her liking you or not. She ended up chasing you like crazy (then the negative part of me says "and then you fucked it up" and it can shut it's god damned mouth).

If you do not recieve a reply on facebook, it doesn't mean anything, except that you have not recieved a reply on facebook.

If a text message has not been reciprocated, it does not mean anything other than that which it is. The text message has not been reciprocated. Not that it has not yet been reciprocated, that assumes that it will, which invests me in the text message. It just hasn't been replied to, and that's it.

Quit thinking you're no thin ice. It isn't even winter.

The Allegory of The Burning House

2009-04-26T11:36:00.001-07:00

A man stands on the street in front of his house, looking up at it with the fierce pride of creation, the pride of self, on his architectural achievement. A second man walks up and stands next to the first and gazes at the house in astonishment. Quickly he says to the first man, "Sir! Your house is on fire!"

The first man replies, "Yes, it is a fine house."

Confused and thinking the first man must have misheard him, the second man again tells him, "Your beautiful home will burn to the ground unless you put out that fire!" And to his astonishment, the first man turns to him with a look of slight annoyance, as one might give to a child who should not meddle in things he does not understand.

"Sir, I built this house, and that fire is a part of my house. If I put out that fire my house will not be mine any longer." He then turns back to gaze at his house once more. The fire spreads from just one of the upper windows to a second. The glass on the first window shatters causing a massive fireball to shoot outward. Both men duck instinctively and the first man gives a nervous chuckle, "See how well I have built my house? The neighbors are surely jealous of my superior work. This is truly the best way to build a house." He shakes off the initial nerves and sets his feet against imaginary resistance to his masterwork.

The second man, being a person of unbounded care and compassion, implores the man to see reason, to see that if he does not stop the fire now, there will be no more house of which he may be proud. The fire, he says, will consume the whole thing.

"Nonsense!" Exhorts the first man, "There are many ways to build a house, but this is the one I have chosen, and this one works best for me!" He is clearly growing impatient with the second man, and he wonders how the second man could be so stupid as to not see the simple genius of his house. Clearly the second man is a man of sub-normal intelligence.

"Look!" Shouts the second man, he is growing desperate for the first to see reason and save his house, for the construction is indeed beautiful and masterful. "The fire has spread to the houses next to yours! And look further! The neighbors have begun using water to stop the fire! Their houses will remain standing. Why then sir, will you not do the same for your own, beautiful house?"

Violently, the first man screams at the second, "Their way is not mine! And mine is perfectly acceptable! In fact, it is they who have destroyed their homes by not accepting the fire as part of their house!" He breathes heavily after his outburst, but coughs as the smoke drifts toward them in dark masses. The second man, unable to hold his composure any longer, lunges forward, "There is still time to save your house!" He collects the neighbors that have gathered to watch the blaze and rallies them to action, forming a bucket line and setting up hoses. The first man watches in astonishment for a few moments. For one instant, he see's the the love that this stranger has for something that is not even his own, the hatred the stranger has for the fire which, uncontrolled, has now spread to more than half the house. But it is only an instant.

"Get away from my house!" Bellows the first man, and he bars the way in. The neighbors struggle to get past him, but it is too late. The blaze now burns so hot that they cannot get close to the house and so they set to dousing their own houses with water, keeping them safe from the inferno. "Cowards!" The first man chokes out. He cannot breathe through the smoke that is issuing forth from the destroyed door and shattered windows. His flesh cooks as the flames lick his back. Finally, saved only by his animal instinct for survival, the first man rushes away from his house which has begun to collapse, completely engulfed in flame.

The next morning, the man still sits on the opposite side of the street, staring at the heap of ashes that was his house. The second man approaches him and asks him why he let it go so far, why did he not save the house, or permit the neighbors to help him save it? The first man chokes out a reply between breathy sobs, "I built my house my way. My own way. Everybody is entitled to do things the way they like."

The second man reasons softly, "But sir, your house was on fire."

"But it was my fire! It was a part of my house! It should not have destroyed my house. It is my opinion that the fire should have been a part of the house, and everybody is entitled to their own opinion!" The first man finishes his sentence in a whine, weakness and lack of conviction oozing from every word.

His kindness and unwillingness to accept the madness before him causes the second man to ask one final set of questions of the first, "Where sir, did you come by this fire, what was it doing in your house to begin with? Where did you come by the notion that fire belongs in the house?"

Succeeding only in a mockery of composure, the first man replies, "It is my opinion, that the uniqueness of a house on fire gives it beauty. It is the fire that gave my house it's superiority over the boring, and placed me higher than those sheep who could not see the value of the fire. And since it is my opinion, it cannot be wrong. Everybody is entitled to their opinion."

"But where sir, did the fire come from?"

The first man scoffs, able even in his misery to register scorn for one so stupid as the second man, "I set the fire myself."

Standing and walking away, the second man spits over his shoulder, for he can no longer muster any respect for this poor excuse for a living being, "This fire that you held onto, which damaged and destroyed all that you've worked so hard for, can never do anything other than that which it has done. Though useful when harnessed properly, it is not an opinion that fire is destructive. It is a fact."

The first man stares after the second and watches him enter his own beautiful home. He cries bitterly into his hands about how unfair life is and how could he be so cursed as to always end up surrounded by people who just don't understand him and his genius. How dare the second man say that the opinions of the first were what led him to this destruction. That fire was important to the identity of the house he wanted to build, he was sure of it, and he contemplated that perhaps he set it in the wrong room.

Corruption or Virtue in Holding to Personal Standards and Values

2009-04-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

I was in psych class today, and I cannot remember for the life of me what the teacher was talking about, but something he said struck me powerfully and caused me to write this sentence in my notebook: "The focus that you choose determines your reality for what defines your self worth."

This single sentence (I'm in love with the idea of simplification to a single succinct definition, even though oversimplification can be a negative thing) describes something that I have been experiencing over the past couple of months, culminating in a small incident this afternoon.

To give background: Over winter break (December to January) I read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. In it she gives insight into her philosophy (Objectivism) through the actions and dialog of her characters, particularly Howard Roark, who is her ideal standard of virtue and the poster boy figure of the perfect Objectivist. One major theme is the concept of individual, personal standards, as well as having a purpose in life that brings you great joy and fullfillment. In the case of Roark, it is Architecture.

When I came back to school, I found myself less interested in girls. Not to say I wasn't interested in women, far from it, however I was less attracted to certain women and moreso to others and did not make it my focus of attention that I must rack up the numbers. I've even begun leaning in the direction of being very open to the idea of an exclusive monogamous relationship, which prior to this, was absolutely out of the question for me. My focus grew more on school and achievement, on discovering my purpose and those things that bring me joy, apart from women. Consequently I discovered screenwriting and rediscovered my love of teaching, taken a greater interest in my fitness/health, and have begun to move away from pickup (I had Sinn's natural attraction DVD come in the mail and I just shelved it for the first few weeks I had it because I didn't really care to watch it, where previously I would have put in headphones, locked the door, and taken diligent notes as soon as I had recieved it) but it's enough to leave it at that.

As I delve deeper into Rand, especially in Atlas Shrugged, her philosophy becomes deeper and more complete. I feel, basically, that she is putting words and firmly rational thought patterns, to things that I've felt my whole life and never been able to articulate. Although I don't agree with every word, idea, and concept she presents in it, one of her character's speeches hit me particularly hard, Francisco D'Anconia's speech to Hank Rearden about sex and morality. In it, he talks about how some men seek to reverse the law of causality. They seek self-esteem through sex, where sex should rather be the product of self-esteem. This in particular describes(ed) me.

If I were to describe my life philosophy up to this point in a single sentence (as I've said I love to do) it would be that men cannot succeed in anything, or have any sort of lasting and fullfilling happiness, unless they first handle their love life. As an example, a man could rise to the top of his chosen profession, be envied by all, but if he still sucks with women and cannot be with the type he chooses, he will feel hollow and empty, like all of it was for nothing. He - this philosophy would hypothesize - would feel frustrated that he has everything, and yet he still can't get a girl and sex, one of his most basic needs and desires.

I had a conversation with my buddy Millenium awhile back where I articulated exactly this. He wanted to focus more on his lifestyle, his career, and his ambitions in order for women to become a biproduct of his lifestyle. I believed that I could never put the kind of focus required of a great endeavour like Roark does with architecture into the doing of it, because I am so enamoured with women and can't have any or the quality that I would. That, although I would enjoy the thing I was doing, I would always know in the back of my mind that if my sexual needs were completely satisfied, I could do it better. Therefore, I should become a master with women before attempting to discover my real purpose. I think I actually said to Millenium, "You're following the traditional wisdom, I'm reversing it, starting from the end and moving backward." Oh, Francisco D'Anconia.

The error that both of us made was that we caused women to become both the reason and the end game for any sort of development.

I digress, however. The main point is that my focus, after getting involved in reading Ayn Rand, shifted from women as my purpose, to my purpose as my purpose, whatever that may be.

But today and over the past few weeks I gathered even more evidence to support my original life philosophy. As much as I was more interested in my body, writing, and living to my own standard, I sitll have the lingering desire for women, and the lingering, poisonous idea of basing self worth on number and quality of women and sex a person has in his life.

Background on today's inciting incident:
This girl that I mentioned in my rebuilding the habit post, I'll call her California, entered back into my life. We've become fast friends, and every time we talk its flirty and fun. We were facebook chatting a few days ago and I mentioned I wanted to get a haircut, a new style, but I was wary of dropping $100 on a haircut. She says "omg i cut hair!" I said, that's cool, she said she could cut my hair, I said I dunno, she said she cuts her own (which is amazing hair) and I asked if she could do men's hair, knew about men's styles, and could work with my curly hair. She said yes to all three and we made an "appointment" for her to cut my hair on Wednesday (yesterday). I confirmed with her the day before, and she said she has to work, but gets off at 9, and I could come over after, I said ok how about 10, she said yes. I confirmed again at about 8:30 last night, she was down, then she called me about 9:30 and said she was afraid to cut my hair because she doesn't know how to cut curly hair. I laughed at her, we had a good flirty conversation on the phone, and I told her to look at some facebook pictures of my hair, and if she couldn't think of something, just call me back and we don't have to do it. She said ok.

10:30 rolls around and she still hasn't called me. I figured she had decided not to do it and was too afraid to turn me down, so I called her to give her the chance to complain a little and I could back out for her. She didn't answer the phone and didn't call back. I just left it at that, taking the sign for what it was. Today I saw her at school (she doesn't go here) and I called out "California! what are you doing here?" She smiled awkwardly, looked a little sheepish, and pointed at her hot friend who does go here, and walked off without saying anything. My interpretation was that she was a little ashamed of her behavior and surprised at seeing me, and sought to avoid the awkwardness.

And here is where I tie everything together. I spent the next hour in class writhing over this issue. How unfair that she should take her own weakshit behavior and use it as a reason to push us apart! I'll have to confront her and tell her it isn't a big deal! No! Confrontation is what women always avoid, don't do that shit! This really bothers me! Why isn't this not a big deal hoooolllly shit.

And it was at that point that I wrote the line in my notebook from up above.

The last few weeks, my focus has again shifted. For awhile, I didn't care so much about women, I could go to a party, not meet any new ones or make any connections, and not feel bad about it later. It was great. Except I wasn't getting laid, but I assured myself it would happen of it's own accord so long as I handle my own shit to my fullest ability. I still believe this, but I also still believe the life philosophy I wrote up above. These two beliefs are not fully compatible.

As I grow hornier, my focus is shifting toward women and pickup again, away from my own self and a selfish life.

The title of this post comes from the paradox of it being virtuous to hold to your personal standards, but it remains possible for your personal standards to be corrupt and the root of your unhappiness. I say this, not as a blanket statement for all people and all lifestyles and philosophy, but rather to myself at this point in my life. I'm arrogant, but not so much that I think this will apply to everyone, not with my current life experience at least.

Going back to my original statement that inspired this post, "The focus that you choose determines your reality for what defines your self worth," we can finally arrive at my conclusion. Depending on what your focus is in life, that choice of focus will direct how you interpret (your reality) what will define how you measure your personal worth. If Architecture is your focus, your personal standards may be how satisfied you are with your building, what price you were able to design it for, etc etc. If your focus is women, your standard (or even currency) of self worth, at least in my case, becomes how many and what quality of women you are sleeping with. This is one of the most poisonous mindsets possible. The worst of it comes out when you aren't getting laid (me right now). You begin to hate everyone around you who has a girl, who is getting laid, and eventually, if you go down the path far enough, begin to identify any person who is having sex with anybody other than you, as promiscuous and morally bankrupt. Currently I'm only at the stage where I'm becoming frustrated that the women I find attractive don't seem to reciprocate (and even this isn't entirely true, they just aren't showing the kind of interest that I currently wish they would).

I realized my focus had shifted when I caught myself feeling such despair and anger over so small an event regarding a woman. I had no idea I placed so much value on it.

The direction that I want to take myself in, is to have a separate standard for women. They should be the secondary, or even tertiary standard by which I appraise my worth. I'll have to develop that thought more fully.

Valentines Day and other stuff

2009-02-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

I had an enjoyable night so I figured it warrants a write up.

This was the first Valentines Day in recent memory where I didn't feel down or upset or pressured to have a girl around. I actually realized, midway through dialing LittleOne's number, that I didn't want to call her on V-Day because of all of the expectations and weirdness that comes along simply because of what day it is. So I didn't.

I headed out to Puppykins' birthday party at a friends' house, came in, decided I would drink but not a lot, and just sat down to play some caught in the web with some friends (that game always cracks me up). Met a decently cute girl, flirted with Beej (who I decided I'm just not going to show any interest in whatsoever. She's gotta be banging my door down in lingerie if she wants it, after the weirdness she pulled). When people started showing up, I've seen this before, but it's always hilarious to me; every girl who was single was dressed to the nine's. Makeup, dresses, pushup bras, the whole shebang. It was especially funny to me because it was a kegger at not the classiest place in the world, and especially without a classy theme. These girls were dressed simply to attract male attention because somebody arbitrarily set a day where you HAVE to have somebody around or you're a failure and have to hate yourself. That's how I used to feel, this time I just enjoyed myself.

Doa (I've mentioned her briefly on here I believe in my homecoming post, and she's the girl who inspired my last post) has two friends who showed up, we'll call them Spain (because her name sounds like a spanish city) and Emo (because I like her hair and tongue piercing). Spain is pretty cute and tends to throw herself at guys, whether she likes them or not, but is super friendly and I enjoy her company. She definitely wants my dick. Emo is a lot of fun and at our last dance, designed her whole outfit to fit around her having a pierced tongue and told me I was her favorite, shes got a gorgeous face but is an all around bigger girl (not fat, but taller and a little chub, but she carries it well).

What was interesting about this was that I'm so interested in Doa, that I actually managed to contain myself and not hook up with either Spain or Emo (Spain was a for sure, Emo was a probably). however, I did write out an exception. I WOULD locking myself out with Doa for the chance at a threesome with both Emo and Spain. Early in the night, this seemed almost assured.

Doa showed up to the party a little later and came up to me, giving me her usual big hug and head on my shoulder, and introduced me to her imported dick for the evening. This was wonderful. When I thought that I had completely lost my chance with Doa (inspiring my angst fueld latenight "reminder" post) I started to hate her. I wanted to hurt her emotionally, I wanted her to walk in on me banging her best friend, I wanted her to throw herself at me just so I could have the satisfaction of turning her down, I wanted her to realize that I was an incredible catch and beat her self up for ever putting us to chance. My rationalization at the time was akin to this, "If you treat her in your mind like she's your enemy, just a dumb bitch who you don't like, you'll be able to act more aloof and attractive around her and your natural distance will spark more attraction." Seriously. This is how I used to think in high school, and I HATED women in high school. I don't hate women anymore, and I had a small revelation when I became conscious of this line of reasoning behind my feelings and fantasies about Doa.

It really is so much easier to hate something than to love it, and hate is yet another self defense mechanism designed to keep my fragile sense of self from "collapsing," or so it fears. It allows me to shift blame for things not turning out the way I had originally intended, from me, onto them. It's not that I wasn't man enough to make things happen, it's that she's a blind dumb bitch who can't see what a catch I am. It's not that I'm upset over not being with her, it's that she's a slut and I have higher standards than that and she doesn't deserve a guy like me. Hate is the defense mechanism that allows me to feel better about myself in the face of rejection, rather than own up to the fact that I didn't do so well as I should, and dealing with it. It is the shortcut that allows me to rationalize my way into bypassing growth.

Jumping back, when she introduced me to ImportedDick (the term meaning, she brought a guy in from her home town to spend valentines day with her, maybe just a friend to keep her company, maybe an exboyfriend, who knows, doesn't matter dont care) I didn't feel any curiousity about his history with Doa (other than to label him as ID) I was pleased to see Doa, not scared or upset, and I didn't collapse into a pit of self pity and loathing of women because Doa would probably have some other dude in her bed for the night (sidenote: little twinge of jealousy as I wrote that. I'm workin' on it).

I met a number of cute girls at the party, nothing particularly noteworthy, and on a weird sidenote, I think my standards were raised somehow for what constitutes big boobs. Either that or these girls, who I usually see as having massive tits, were wearing outfits that hid them, which doesn't make sense because it was valentines day and their tits were hanging out. A few of these girls probably have DDs and I was thinking "eh, they're kinda big" hahahaha. One kinda strung out but very sexy redhead (super long hair, love that) was making out with this hippy guy on the dancefloor (good for him) and he teased her expertly, it was great to see. She was trying to kiss him, her head at this angle \ (facing right) with her mouth raised trying to get to his, and he was at the same angle \, facing left keeping his mouth just out of reach of hers but with his forehead pressed to hers. I could tell it was driving her insane in the best way, and then he finally relented. Nice fuckin' job hippyguy.

I left the party at one point, and who should I see outside but Doa, ImportedDick, Spain, and Emo, all leaving as well. Visions of that threesome swam through my mind. "Hey guys, what are you up to?"

Spain - "oh we're heading back to our dorm, are you coming with us?"

And for some reason which I understand and annoys the bejesus out of me (I had made the decision to go home and subconsciously I was sticking to it regardless, I do this a lot, another defense mechanism) I told her I was probably going to just head home.

They went home, I went home. I got there, decided it was valentines day and there were girls out there who wanted to meet me, and went back to the party. I probably walked like a mile and a half total. Got back to the party, flirted with Beej some more (hoping she would indeed throw herself at me) and then saw Shygirl (I think thats what I named her on here) and talked with her a bit before I left again. So no dice, but I was proud that instead of just collapsing onto the computer, I went back out into the mix again.

A reminder

2009-02-08T01:31:00.000-08:00

While I'm still a little tipsy and annoyed. Remember.

1. Girls absolutely will chase. Or in the words of your leading post and philosophy, they will seek a leader or to be led. In fact, they fucking love men who put them in this position.

2. Girls are sluts. No matter what conception you may have of who they are, they are absolutely sexual and would probably get D P'd by two randoms if nobody would find out. Any girl. It makes no difference if she's Christian, Jewish, Muslim, was raped at some point, declines comment when you ask about if she's a virgin, whatever. ALWAYS assume the worst, and by worst I mean that she has been fucked, many many times, by many different guys, and is looking for more. That doesn't mean I'm judging by saying "worst" it means I'm just putting in a particular context, like "bad girl."

3. Girls talk about the guys they're into with their girl friends. If they're into a guy, their friends fucking know it. They don't keep some little secret crush hoping nobody finds out, they talk. They love talking about it.

4. You are responsible for making things happen. Twist it any way you like, tell yourself it isn't the right moment or that "you don't have anything to say to her and when it's right you will." This changes nothing. You still have to make it happen. If she's running up to you and hugging you, it's because she likes you. Don't pull some pusshy shit "I'm going to wait because I don't want to show too much interest."

5. Get it the fuck done.

6. Stop being a pussy. In everything you do, stop being a pussy.

7. A girl cannot love you if you do not first love yourself. If you doubt your self to a point where you doubt if she could be into you, even in the face of overwhelming empirical evidence, you are showing weak shit, pussy behavior, and you're ACTIVELY turning her off, even if you think it's ok because you haven't been around her much. Your very VIBE is disgusting when you think and behave this way.

8. Bottom line. Refer to #6, then refer to #5.

Yes, I'm pissed off and angsty, but it needed to be said.

Being a leader as opposed to being "the prize"

2008-12-16T15:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a pretty consistent theme for me, and I wrote a post about it some months ago, about resolving the issue between being the prize and still making sex happen without having to leave it up to the girl to do everything. The chase vs. chased issue.

In my head there is a dichotomy. Girls have it engrained in their minds that there is a social order. They are passive and have to have everything happen to them. Guys ask them for their phone number (or even if they give their number to the guy, they are still putting him in that frame of pursuit), guys take them on dates, guys win them over, and they give guys sex. They are the prize in their minds, and in my mind, and I see the prize as something that doesn't do anything, and yet in order to be successful in dating, a man almost always has to do SOMETHING. So how can a man be the prize and still make it happen?

I haven't understood how to wrap my mind around this crucial concept so that it makes sense to me. How can I be the prize, be the one she is chasing, without doing any chasing of my own, when I'm not good enough or money enough yet to have her (most of the hers at least) lapping at my heels. If she doesn't ask for my number and I have to get hers, I am chasing. If I call her and ask her to come hang out, I am chasing. How does a guy who has so many options and doesn't give two shits about any one of them over another justify pursuing behavior? and once you start pursuing, how do you keep from over pursuing to the point where the dichotomy switches from her chasing you, back to you chasing her?

I was reading Brad P's planning the perfect date and I've come up with a way to frame it in my head that makes sense and I'll be thinking about for awhile to see what happens.

I must think of myself, not in the terms of the prize who has to be chased, or the one chasing the prize, or even the prize who has to chase a little bit so that the girl notices.

I must think of myself as a leader.

This is a huge shift from thinking of pursuing behaviors as exactly that. The idea of pursuis puts the image of one behind another, and pins by language the idea of leadership (command and control) in the hands of the one not doing the pursuing. One cannot be the prize and pursue, however one can be the prize and LEAD.

I like this image. I was reading over some of my old posts, and SassyFrass had this habit of texting me in a way that said she wanted to get fucked, but wasn't going to do anything about it. She was just tossing the idea into the air and seeing if the wind would catch it. So it's like this. She's walking around in a dark room, chatting up the air saying "man I'd sure like to get fucked" but she is either unable or unwilling to walk through the door above which hangs a sign "Come inside for sex." Now, the pure prize would stand in the middle and wait, to see if she can manage to blunder her way over to him and accidentally cause sex to happen. I'm too impatient for that by nature (which is something else I should talk about entirely and must work on), and don't have the abundance to make it happen. That same prize, in the same room with a hundred girls blundering around saying the same thing, will get laid pretty consistently.

What I've been doing, is acting the prize, but pursuing, which is essentially, blundering around in the dark room saying the same thing as the girl (sassyfrass in the example) "man i would also like to get fucked, if only some girl would grab my hand and lead me through the sex doorway" which works occasionally, but begs leadership from the girl. In real life terms, things like playing hard to get hoping she will pursue so hard that failure is impossible, texting her with vague statements hoping that she will suggest a meetup, hoping that she will escalate to remove the burden from me. Same room, hundreds of girls, only the really horny ones or generally lower quality ones are going to end up grasping the hand of this guy and leading him through the sex doorway.

Now, same situation, but this time a leader-prize comes in. The girl is blundering around in the dark, chatting up the air, not taking responsibility for her urges or desires. She's putting it out there, some more subtly than others. The leader has his night vision goggles on and can see the situation, he takes her by the hand and commands her to follow him, "but wait, I don't know, you don't have to come over" the prize-pursuer would try to mask his intentions, because he believes that if she doesn't give a massive sign, it is not on enough for him to "pursue." He is murky. The leader-prize silences her and continues to lead. He is not being stripper walked through the door. He is taking control of the situation. He recognizes that she is not stupid, and when she understands where she is going she will do something to get out of it if she is truly not interested. He's not thinking about rejection, he is unafraid to find out if she doesn't like him.

I may have gone a little out there with my metaphor and examples, some of it gets a little confusing, the biggest message to take from this whole deal is:

I no longer pursue. I lead.

Something important to keep in mind. Reframing behavior is often the first step toward trapward rationalization. I can't keep doing the same shit I've done and say "I'm leading!" I have to actually take the mindset of a leader.

My BigBear LR is a perfect example of leading vs. pursuing. I was the prize, but I didn't see my behaviors as pursuit because I wasn't even thinking about making anything happen until she was already at my house. I just led the interaction to a point where sex happened. I didn't game her and try and sit back and make her ask to come inside. I didn't try to push the envelope and make a move on her in the car where further logistics of getting inside would complicate things. I just lead it to a point where it would have been logistically infeasable to not have sex.

FR: First girl from the internet

2008-12-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

Here is our e-mail conversation from start to finish...

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
awww, you posted all pictures of you not smiling! But you know what, you haven't fooled me. Deep down, under all your seriousness, theres a kid-at heart goober out to run around on the playground and get pushed down by the boy she likes best. Seriously, if you and I went out on the town, there would be trouble. I'm talking sidewalk chalk trouble =)

=====m**** WROTE:=====
It's true. In real life I'm always smiling, and I cause a lot of trouble.

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
OH yeah? So if you and me got together to devise a clever caper/heist, I could at least count on you to be my getaway driver? What are your other trouble talents?

=====m**** WROTE:=====
Getaway driver I am not...I never learned how to drive and my permit's been expired for about five months. I'm apparently pretty good at being bad at my job though, as I've found out this week!

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
That's rough. I was actually really good at my job, then my supervisor encouraged me to fake some things...didn't end well. That's ok though, I got my weekends back =)

So if you can't drive, how do you get out to do things

-Dasani

=====m**** WROTE:=====
I take the bus or I walk, but I don't get out much and it's not because I don't have a car, it's because I don't have a social life yet. YET!

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
Well I dig that you're honest about it, no reason to become a hermit though =)

Hey I like talking with you and I'd like to do it a little easier, shoot me your phone number and I'll give you a call. If we get along on the phone, maybe we'll hang out sometime.

What's your name, by the way.

-Dasani

=====m**** WROTE:=====
I'm xxx-xxx-xxxx. My name is Cupid.

Cupid (obvi)

*******************
We texted occasionally for a couple of days (I don't want to dig through my phone to find them all) and then she told me that she works with XML. I responded with something like "My knowledge of computer stuff got stunted by a bad teacher in highschool, so I take that to mean you build websites. You must enjoy takeout." Which looking back says "I know nothing about your profession and I might have just called you fat" So I got nervous when I didn't get a quick reply and said something else to inoculate it, "And I'm gunna go grab some right now, I'll give you a call tonight, when is a good time." Which got a nonresponse still.

I forgot about her for awhile, and then the last part of my 50th post happened. I agreed to call her about 7 and we'd meet up. Got a late start, Littleone was over, so I texted her and said I'd push back till 7:30 and called her a little after then. I didn't really know what to say so it was a quick, minute long logistical call, "hey whats up, blah blah thats cool, ok so heres the plan, have you been to the nickel arcade? Great, we're going, where do you live, be there in half an hour bye." She had a really cute voice so I was a little excited if also a touch nervous. First girl from the internet!

I drove out to her place and picked her up, gave her a hug upon meeting, and we got in the car. She is actually pretty funny, which surprised me because girls never make me laugh. I was a little too uncomfortable to really relax and enjoy myself though, pretty much all night. I had a good time, but I know it would have been better if I didn't care. She was a tad pudgier than I imagined, in her words, "I'm the only person who has moved to portland and gained weight, everybody here is a vegan" but she had great big tits and was cuter in person than in her pictures.

We went to the nickel arcade, which I'm totally going to make a staple of my dates because its a blast. The most expensive games cost 5 nickels, and they're games that cost like a dollar in a regular arcade. You can also win tickets and buy prizes and there's crane machines for getting stuffed animals (she won four tiny stuffed animal keychains for her and her coworkers, I got enough tickets to buy one of those slippery squishy water things). She had never really played games like that before, and she really got into it, and actually had me cracking up while we were playing this one shooting game. It wasn't a real good place for conversation though, next time I think I'll go out for a drink or coffee or a bite (there are restaurants, bars, and coffee shops all over that area right by the arcade) first, then if we have fun, bounce to the arcade to bask in the playful vibe of videogaming and prizes.

After we left (only spent $15, $2.50 each for an admission ticket and $5 each in nickels) we went for a walk in the area and just talked. It was ok. The zipper on my sweatshirt broke, which sucked, and it's so cold she had her hands in her pockets which makes it hard to try to hold them. Note to self, although it makes a convenient excuse to touch a little bit, walking on the outside of the road feels false every single time I do it on purpose. She told me she's been hooking up with her married coworker, that she is always the other woman, that she lost her virginity at 21 and 1/2 (she's 23). Some of it volunteered information (her hookups) but some of it prompted. I never felt a vibe or a connection with her, which is hard to do when I'm not fully comfortable. End of the night I drove her home and she lingered for a minute after the obligatory "I had a really good time tonight." I didn't feel a vibe so I didn't want to be cliche and got for a goodnight kiss, especially knowing she's banging a married dude and that we're both not looking for anything serious. It would just have been too couply. So I gave her a hug and said "that's all you get. I'll give you a call sometime, night."

I think I should have at least asked to use the bathroom in her place to see if she would ask me to stay longer or offer me a drink or something. Also, I think a Sinn line would have been appropriate at some point in the night, "I'm trying to get into your pants" to let her know where I wanted to take it, which definitely would have helped with the vibe. Remember, don't be afraid to find out she doesn't like you. I'd rather have a girl straight up tell me she doesn't like me than have me acting all murky looking for signs that may or may not be there.

I'll call her after finals, one thing that I liked about her is shes cognizant of things that attract and repulse her, and one thing she said she hates (which meshes with both my own experience and community philosophy) is having guys be "terminally available."

50th Post, Rather Ridiculous

2008-12-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

I was out at my buddy's girlfriend's house last night, whose housemate happens to be TheActress. I endeavored to not make things weird, I had brought PuppyKins with me (who I realized later in the night, when I was standing next to her and playing with her hair and scratching behind her ears, that I don't have a compulsion to hook up with her, I really just want to be friends, even though I'm not opposed to her sexually at all) and I was just having a good time. Well TheActress was trying to get back into my pants, or rather into my heart, which just was not going to happen. She gets all close and is whispering in my ear and is letting me feel her up, and imagine this shit with me, this girl is so fucking weird.

We're talking dirty to eachother, I'm saying things that are well beyond my threshold for what I'm comfortable saying in bed to a girl, because I just didn't give a fuck, but picture all of this said in the most seductive voice possible...

"You know what I want to do to you?"

"What?" pressing hips into me

"I wanna take you downstairs and titty fuck your big fucking soft tits and cum all over your face and neck, would you like that?"

"mmmm" moaning in extacy "no" a breath that would only come after an intense orgasm

"You want me to fuck you? I'm gunna fuck you so hard like the naughty little slut you are"

"Uhhhnnn I'm not a slut," She tries to kiss me, breathing heavily "I wanna cuddle, mmmuhhhnn"

Breaking all pretense of talking dirty, "You have 2 choices...well more like 4. One, you can suck my cock, two we can have sex, three I can titty fuck you, or four I can shove you off and go back to my friends"

Trying to be indignant and sultry at the same fucking time god damn it, "Oh so you won't even consider dating me unless you've had sex with me?"

"Yep, thats right. You're a virgin aren't you."

"No...You're an asshole..." still trying to be seductive.

"Yeah I am, told you that. And I don't believe you, bye."

The rest of the night she was trying to touch on me and get in my cuddle pants. I said I MIGHT cuddle with her if we had sex. God she's so....ugngnugghguhg! TAKE A HINT! Her housemate came over and apologized to me for her behavior, I lol'd.

Left and went to another party. 45 seconds after I walked in, I was in the pantry closet hooking up with a girl who I had a one night stand with in the past, #1BJ (I wonder why I named her that???). I went inside, girls and friends were greeting me and hugging me, this girl was especially touchy and I immediately let her kinda fall against me into the kitchen, and she tries to kiss me. This girl was so god damn horny, I've never seen somebody trying to get laid so hard in my life. I tried to pull her to a corner, but realized I could only makeout and then saw the door to the pantry open. Pulled her in, couldn't get her to go down on me, I guess the prospect of kneeling on lenoleum wasn't very appealing. Turned her around and attempted to fuck her from behind but was unable to fit it in her. This blew my mind, I would never have guessed. After 10 or so minutes of hooking up we put our clothes on and went back outside. She never rehooked her bra strap and didn't realize it for like the next two hours. She keeps messing with her (massive) boobs trying to fix things and never even figured it out. Hilarious.

I was on the couch a bit later holding Puppykins head to my chest and playing with her hair. She can be so adorable. I had no interest in hooking up with her. I was fantasizing about falling asleep together and just stroking her head and tickling eachothers backs (my favorite thing in the world). This was really big for me because I always have this compulsion within myself to hook up with pretty much every girl I have the opportunity with. It's something I've been struggling against for quite some time and it makes it hard for me to find girls that I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in, because I confuse mild attraction and a compulsion to hook up with genuine interest a lot of times. This other girl from one of my lit classes was on the couch next to us. She's really pretty, like take home to mom pretty, so I'll call her MomPretty, and I say to her "MomPretty I want to play with your hair too"
"But mine is in a pony tail!"
"take it out and come here"

She does and leans back into my arm and lets me stroke her hair. Somebody starts taking pictures, I look like a pimp. Puppykins is already oriented toward me with her knee over mine somewhat, so I tell MomPretty to do the same thing. She does. (And here is a distinction in calibration, one of my housemates likes to say "do this, do that" and give orders and take things without asking, which in the community would be considered alpha. But its annoying as fuck and inconsiderate. However, I tell this girl to put her head on me, to change posititions, take the tie out of her hair, and it isn't annoying and I'm gaining positive compliance. Something good to remember.)

After a little while Puppykins goes home and me and MomPretty keep cuddling. We have a goofy fight over the remote, we move around the house a bit and talk with people, and comeback to cuddle a few more times (see TheActress? I cuddle. Just not with stupid girls who are afraid of their vaginas.). Finally we are left all alone, she suggests we join the rest of the group who are in the basement playing pool. Its 5 am by this point, I tell her I'm tired and ask if she wants to walk me home. She does. We go to my house, don't say a word about anything but nonsense really, I walk in, she follows, we go straight up to my room, sit on my bed, I close the door, talk a little, start to makeout, but I sense a lot of hesitation.

Another note to self. I've gotten this kind of resistance before and I don't know what to do about it. Usually, and this time was no exception, I say something to the effect of, "Hey it's cool, we don't have to do this, you don't have to be here if you don't want to" They always say that its not that they dont want to, its something else, but then leave (no exception here) so what gives? Probably triggered her anti slut defense, but what can I say to innoculate? Maybe go AFC Adam and say something like, "look I'm a gentleman so you and I are not hooking up, but I do want to cuddle and talk" then move from there. Yeah that sounds good.

She leaves, I go to sleep. Madeout with two different girls, hooked up with one of them, even BigBear gave me a drunk dial. Ridiculous night.

Oh, p.s. forgot to mention. This girl that I met on OkCupid and I are supposed to meet up tonight. We texted a bunch a couple weeks ago, and she went non responsive and I forgot about her. Before taking a nap last night, I sent her a text "hey whats up" just to see if she was still going to be non responsive. My phone rang a bunch of times while I was sleeping but I ignored it. Checked my texts and calls: my mom, my buddy, and OkCupid girl...

"any interst in seeing mirah w me tonight at the aladdin? i have an extra ticket. freeee!"
and another one 25 minutes later...

"okay i have to take back the mirah invite my coworker came thru. are youu free anytime this weekend? ill buy you a whole venue to make up for it"

This seemed really weird to me. Maybe she was shit testing me before, I dont usually think about shit tests over text, so maybe I should, that could help my text game a bit. I guess the universe was just in Dasani Alignment last night. We texted a little and have plans to meet up tonight around 7. Wtf am I going to do with her? I don't know, maybe go get a drink, fuck if I know hahaha.

Adding to the previous post

2008-11-30T15:53:00.000-08:00

I just realized some other things BigBear helped me to realize myself. Like I said, she's one of the hottest girls I've ever been with, and thinking back I realized some very insecure shit I was thinking while with/interacting with her.

*We were looking into eachothers eyes during sex, and at some point she looked away, and I thought "she must be seeing how gross I look with all this acne" or something to that effect. My acne has been flaring up the past couple weeks (stress I suppose), but normally it doesn't bother me so much. I was worried that I wasn't physically attractive enough for this girl WHILE I WAS INSIDE HER!

*Being with hotter girls acts like a mirror on my self and the state of my game. I might get with a 7 and not give a fuck about anything, but then I'm with a 9 (and I'm really not into rating girls, but I have to put it into perspective for myself some how) and suddenly I feel insecure. That says a lot about my internals, and it also says it's time to upgrade.

*No LMR with BigBear. Another correlation based on little evidence but still worth noting. Best looking girl in awhile, no LMR. Then I get masses when I get with girls like Asia or TheActress. Good looking girls have greater access to sex, and as such they have more experience upon which to base their conclusions about sex and relationships. They're not hypocrits operating on outdated belief structures that have no basis in experienced reality. BigBear decided she wanted to fuck me, and didn't fuck around going about it. What happened after... who knows.

*Does it really matter if you know why? Seriously, if I knew why BigBear didn't try to fuck me again, would it really change anything? Would it really matter? The only thing I could see changing would be if she just decided she got what she wanted and was just being polite, in which case I would see no reason to go any further with it. Basically, the NEED to know that kind of stuff is a function of the Ego's never ending desires and wants. Greater control, greater mastery, avoiding fear of the unknown, whatever, it really isn't important enough to feel insecure over. Not much if anything really is.

What I Learned This Weekend

2008-11-29T23:51:00.001-08:00

*First and foremost, the Threshold. My idea of what it takes to cross it was totally rocked last night. I've never slept with a girl so fast after meeting her, and I have yet to cross the threshold with her. I'm comfortable, but I'm not to the point where I just don't care, but in a nonchalant kind of way. Crossing the threshold I hypothesize, has more to do with me than where the relationship is. I banged this girl, but I didn't feel, as I usually do, that "whew, sex is out of the way, now we can be normal together." I'll have to figure this out, this is absolutely key.

*A lot about being the prize. BigBear definitely saw me as the prize. Whether she still does is in the air. I saw her tonight and I got the same sort of "I'll kiss you but not committed" as I did last night after we had sex. Buyers remorse? Maybe, but that doesn't match up with everything else. I texted her once this morning in response to a text she sent me sometime last night that I ignored. We ended up texting most of the morning, like 11-3:30, and we planned to meet up tonight and have dinner, which she would pay for. However, she texted when she got back into town from what she was doing, and invited me to ice cream. I said I didnt want ice cream and asked about sushi, she said something about how her mom didn't believe she was going to dinner...weak, maybe not true because she later told me she had eaten. ANyway, she then said she and her cousin were going to starbucks. I responded with "I see." And left it at that. She texted asking what i was doing, I got distracted and took awhile to answer so she called me. She invited me over to her place to watch a movie with her cousin and her. I went. Her parents are nuts, I was sitting in a chair and she was on her bed with her cousin, the mom came in at 11 to kick us out. I drove with her and her cousin to drop the cousin off, hoping she and I could hook it up on the way back home. No dice, I had her walk me to my car when we got back to her place, pulled her into me and we madeout a little, not erotically, she was pretty non commital, although she did put her hands in my back pockets. Then I shoved her away and she said "dont shove me i'll shove you back" and I said "thats what makes it fun!" and we parted.

Ok so that was basically a FR of tonight, but the prize parts are evident for later browsing.

*When I have crossed the threshold I don't analyze so much. Notice the intense analysis up above. Weak. Let it be as it is.

*Enjoy the process. This was a huge milestone, to lay a girl so quickly, I'm shattering my old concepts of what is possible, but that doesn't mean I have to get hooked on making this girl an MLTR or something. So what if we don't have sex again? Yeah it was fun, yeah you'd like to do it and be more on par...oh shit. I just realized I identify with being bad in bed and therefore have a vested self interest in being bad. The theory stands! However, I now identify as all the girls identify me, as awesome in bed and an experience to be savored.

Finishing the original thought process, this whole deal is a process. If the first time you ever played soccer against another team you scored a goal, you're not a failure if you don't score again that game, or continue to consistently score goals. Realize that its a taste of success, and things will progress and you will improve over time. It's not a big deal.

*Breathing techniques work wonders for anxiety

*Remember not to act out of a state of reaction. You'll find the world is not on your side when you do. Remember to stay conscious and stay present, don't allow the emotions that flood you to intoxicate you to the point where you forget that you are the presence behind those thoughts and feelings, not the thoughts and feelings themselves.

*Parent "game." I forgot how much parents like me. It's always good to make jokes and get them laughing. Mine tonight, the little dog was being held up by BigBear for her cousin to "kiss" and the dog licked her lips, then she held it out to kiss me and I said "no, you don't get to kiss me, we just met, I have rules." Which was hilarious.

*Win over the friends. I got the cousin laughing at about everything i said, it helps that i'm a funny bitch.

Something I'd like to know how to deal with, is her talking about her ex. It didnt bother me so I just ignored it and watched a movie, but I don't feel like it was helping to have her facebook chatting with him (the needy creepy dude, jesus, some of the stuff...anyway) while the movie was on.

LR: BigBear

2008-11-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

The name I'm giving this girl, BigBear, is not at all flattering to who she is. She's actually one of, if not the hottest girl I've ever been with, but she is also taller than me and freakishly strong. The aftermath of our getting together also helped...

I'm back in my hometown and went over to a buddies house to play some beer pong and just chill out with the old crew. We all move out from the garage to this cool little offshoot tiny house thing and hang out there. My buddy has been texting BigBear all night and got her to come over. This was the first time I had ever actually met her (to my knowledge) however our dad's worked together for some huge number of years in the navy, so I was familiar with her last name. She made some comment when she got there (from sitting in my buddy's lap, he had apparently made out with her some time in the past and they seemed into each other, I thought he had her) after introductions had been made to the other people like "oh but Dasani and I have known each other like our whole lives!" I wanted to say that she must have been thinking of somebody else but I just laughed and moved on.

I just chilled out and made conversation with everybody, told tons of jokes, and just had a blast with my friends. She had arrived around 11 or so, and about 12 I suggested that we go get some food. She was totally sober (I was getting there) so I volunteered her to drive us. So it was me, her, and two other guys. We all go to get food, we talk some more in the car. She makes some more comments about knowing my family, I remained confused. We head back to my friend's place and sit down to eat, she stands up and says shes going to head home, I cut her off, "Hey BigBear, wait like 20 and take me home, I need a ride." She says ok and sits back down, I finish my food and ask if she's ready to go, she says she is ready when I am, I say my goodbyes and we leave.

We get into her car, I've been busting on her for getting in so many car wrecks and tell her I'll be very upset if she kills me. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of what was going on verbally, it just wasn't that big of a deal. Just me keeping people laughing and occasionally engaging her so she didn't get left out. I did notice that she was quiet during the early part of the night and as people filtered in and out (some went to hang in the garage) she perked up. But anyway. She drives me home and about 3/4 of the way there I'm like "oh yeah do you know where I live?" and she says "Yeah I do actually, kinda creepy huh?" I was actually really surprised, maybe I had met this girl in the past and she just sucked or something so I forgot her. But to me it seemed like she created some fable about me and our families...whatever. We get to my house and we're still talking, I tell her to pull past the drive way and stop by these bushes. She does. The engine is still running and we keep talking for like 10 minutes, so I tell her to pull forward three more feet (to clear the driveway) and turn the engine off. She does. We keep talking.

She reaches over and hits me playfully a couple of times for me being a goober and making fun of her (I really wish I had a better memory of the conversation, even when I don't drink a lot things get fuzzy and I was sober by this point, about 1:30 or so), her hand is in the air and I, within context of the moment, reach out and squeeze it for a second. She closes her hand around mine and I let go. I was pretty positive it was on but I still felt a little anxious, so before I let it get crazy I reminded myself not to become unconscious (been listening to a lot of Tolle). BigBear is a talk box, get her started and she will keep going. I was grateful for this at this point, and in a pause in her speech I opened the door, and as I stepped outside said, "Hey lets go inside, you can only stay for a few minutes though, I have to get up early." I'm sure I had told her at some point that I was planning to leave in the morning to head back to Portland, so I suppose I had that sense of urgency and scarcity going for me.

We go inside and head right into my basement. Lights were off, so I turned them low instead of on and we sat down and I turned the tv on "for background noise." We have two couches and an armchair down there, I sat in my favorite spot and moved the blankets over and BigBear came and sat in the spot next to me. I decided that if everything else wasn't good enough for me, this had to be. It was very on, despite me feeling no vibe the entire night. I bring up one blanket and get under, "hey you want some of this" she says "yeah!" and starts picking it up, I reach over her and grab the other side of her hip and scoot her into me and put my arm around her, she leans in and puts her head on my chest. I realize she is chewing gum and ask for some, she left it in the car, so I excuse myself to find some (I still smell like fastfood). So I run upstairs, grab condoms, brush my teeth, and wash my hands, then head back down. We cuddle some more and talk, at one point I tried to pull her up to kiss me but she pulled away, I think she just didn't realize what I was doing. After 20 or so minutes of cuddling, I pulled her up again and we started making out.

Pushed her on her back, we keep at it, she lets me brush past her boobs, so I go back up and touch them more. Pull her into me and we start dry fucking (df'ing) I pull the straps of her bra and top off her shoulders and move her arms through them, then pull them down so I can get to her bare breasts. Reached around behind her back and undid her bra in one motion and she goes "Wow! That was so smooth!" I laughed and continued. The whole time I was expecting LMR (which is a bad mindset to be in) but did my best to keep my behaviors congruent with somebody who expects to have sex. I move her hand down onto my crotch and undo my pants for her, start rubbing her on the outside of her pants, pulled them off, she starts giving me a hand job, I finger her, after maybe 10 minutes of foreplay I put on the condom and we start having sex.

I wasn't going to finish, but I was having an awesome time, she was so different. But holy fuck, the girl was biting and clawing the shit out of me, I actually grunted for the pain of it one time, and ONE bite, out of like 20, I somehow managed to turn the pain into pleasure. That's a skill that's going to be rough to master.

We just kind of stopped when I was changing positions once. The whole time I was struggling to keep myself just above half mast, and I think the reason was this lay came too fast even for me to be comfortable with it just yet. So we cuddled naked together and watched about half of Enter the Dragon on G4 before getting dressed. I joked that I was going to bite her and leave marks because of all the times she bit me, we got into a play fight where I realized how strong she is. I tried to have sex with her again, even though I wasn't that turned on, I wanted to once more in case I don't ever see her again. She didn't seem into it. I tried to pull her in to make out some more when she was standing and getting dressed and she kinds pushed me away. I figured "whelp, it was a spur of the moment choice and she doesn't want to again, that's fine" and got some water.

Walked her outside, her parents had called her 13 times while we were in my house, this girl must have known what was going to happen because she had mentioned that she knew her parents were going to call her. So she left her cell in the car on purpose. Nice. She called, calmed them down (they had called the police!), we hugged and I had her take my number, "If you want me to give you a call sometime, call my phone so I have your number, if not, whatever." I realize that was kind of weak shit, but at the same time if this was an obvious one night stand, I wanted to leave it up to her to make the decision to take it further, which I know, again, is weak shit, but I think it came off like "Hey I like you, but I do this a lot and I know that not every girl wants to give her number out after random sex, so if you're interested in pursuing me further, you can call me." At least thats how I meant it. She calls my phone immediately, I remind her my last name is spelled with an IE not a Y, she says "duh, I've known you long enough to figure that out" I continue to be puzzled. I swear I had not met her before four hours before that. Meet to sex, probably about 3 hours.

She left and I went upstairs to survey the damage, and this is where BigBear gets her namesake.

Texting...

"Holy FUCK BigBear! I can see now why you were afraid of me biting you back"

":( oh no. Is it bad?" "I look like I was wrestling a bear. Im considering facebooking pics and tagging you"

"Oh my gosh! Im so sorry :( gosh ive never bit someone before. Wow i feel so bad." "Haha you big goober. You can buy me dinner sometime"

"I was gonna apologize again... but you know, maybe if you weren't good then you wouldnt have to worry about these consequences. Haha" "Lol its late, night"

"Haha im just saying.. you brought it upon yourself ;]

The people present exhibit A, a post sex text conversation with BigBear concerning the quality of the sex with Dasani, after Dasani, hereafter referred to as "the defendant" clearly admitted that his dick was not even fully hard and that the sex kind of fizzled out. Your honor the conduct of BigBear and the defendant only serves to further strengthen the claim made by the defendant that it doesn't matter how much he sucks in bed, if the girl likes him, she always says he's good.

Case to remain open pending further evidence.

She agreed to buy me dinner on the condition that I don't post and tag pics of my destroyed back. I'm considering posting some pictures here with my face edited out, its so horrific.

FR: couple of nights

2008-11-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

From shame to good times.

On Friday I was heading over to ImaginaryGirl's house for a party she was having, and for some reason I got it into my head that I had to get drunk. I think I somehow equated success with this girl with getting drunk. Weird, wrong. Drank at my place, went to her place, drank some more, met some random dude who invited me over to take shots, drank at his place, went back to the party, finished my drinking. IG was too busy to even really notice me, whatever. I was so drunk I started trying to isolate unnattractive girls 5 seconds after conversation. Not like mini isolate, but come outside and go behind this corner into a dark alley with me isolate. Ug, gross. Came home, made an ass of myself, but did manage to hook up one of my buddies with my housemate, who has had a massive crush on him. 3 of my housemates gave me a standing ovation the next morning, that was kind.

This one girl who wears too much makeup came over, I told her I thought she was sexy as fuck, she gave me a dirty look. This pissed me off, so I made it my goal to piss her off. Accomplished it. Next morning I was a bit embarrassed by my behavior, so I decided if I saw MakeupGirl again i would apologize. More for me than her really, my behavior was just so far below my standard for myself.

Anyway, went to a party last night and she was there, so I swooped in and did my thing, she said thank you. Done. I had a lot of friends at the party (something I was missing at IG's party) so I just chilled out. No alcohol for me that night or for awhile. Its great, once I just relax and enjoy myself, I become social, so I started reaching out. There was this one drunk girl in the basement, I'll call her FlirtyGirl, who was literally flirting with every guy who crossed her path, hard. Well it came my turn (and make no mistake, though I was "gaming" this girl, this didn't take any game, just me being slightly more rad than the other guy) and she asks my name, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her, but I'd give her a kiss on the cheek if she could guess, "What happens if I get it wrong!?"
"I'll give you a hug and tell you you're cute anyway."
She gets faux indignant and starts to walk away, and comes right back and asks one of my girl-friends what my name is, the girl tells FlirtyGirl "It's Lord Baron Von Dasani!" for which I love her. So the girl comes in and says that to me, and I give her a little kiss and flirt some more.

This was where it was fun. I wasn't going to try anything with this girl, but flirting with her was pumping me up. Then she grabs onto some other dude, and I decided to make a game of it. See if I could pull her back to me.

"FlirtyGirl!!!"
"oh heeeyyyy!!!" She flies off him and latches onto me
"I have an intuition about you.."

blah blah blah, I made something up about how she likes to be the center of attention, I'm wrong, she says she just likes to be social, I tell her I like that about her. I let her go because the dude is standing awkwardly and I don't want to win so easily.

A couple minutes later I come back and take her away from him again, and tell her to give me her hands. I already knew it was well passed on, I think she had madeout with the other dude before I started my private game, but whatever. I told her that in highschool I was the junior instructore for the swing club, and that my job was to teach all the new people and get them up to speed with the rest of the group. I said my favorite move was the dip, and she wanted to see, and I told her we needed more room. She willingly follows me outside, where there are two people chilling, then out behind a fence, where I do a shitty dip and we start making out hard. I tried to get into her pants, no dice, so I had her give me a handjob. It was tentative, but she still did it. She flat out said no when I told her to go down on me. I tried to get her back to my place, "where do you live?"
"[Dorm.]"
"oh nice, my old dorm."
"where do you live?"
"3 blocks. Come back with me and have a drink."
For some reason I didn't think of tacobell. Tacobell always ropes people in.

We went back inside, she tried to hold my hand, I made it seem like I didn't notice. Not because I didn't want to or because I'm mean, I just didn't want to lock myself out with anybody else or make it seem like I just pulled her outside to hookup.

Went back to the group in the basement, exchanged numbers, left a team voicemail, met a couple other girls. I had also talked to this super tiny/skinny girl for most of the party who was related to one of the girls but had no friends at that party. God I sound like a predator. Getting the drunk flirty girl and talking with the girl who has no friends. Whatever, I was nice to her and she was entertaining cute. She mentioned her boyfriend, when I asked how it was going she said it was going. I would normally take this as a sign that she's into me, but there were really no other signs other than her starting the conversation when I dropped it. She gave me a great hug when I left, decided I shouldn't try for the number, I'll probably see her again.

Fun night.

Online Game Research

2008-11-18T22:43:00.001-08:00

I was off to the library, and got it into my head to send out a random goofy message to a crowd of girls on OkCupid. Usually I send out one, maybe two messages at a time. Mistake. I'm pretty certain online game is largly a numbers game (although you can improve your average for sure), so sending out a message to a large number of girls is better than sending to one, waiting, then sending to another.

So, thus far, with my completely non extensive research (tonight)...

Procedure
1. Choose an opener - in this case, my opener was "You know what? You totally look like the kind of girl who likes to play the nice girl, but really she's trouble. I mean seriously, if we hung out, it would be awful! Walking through a mall you'd just scamper off and be like "hold up one second" and come back with a new hat or something, with a little grin, bragging about how you stole it! Seriously, how could you embarass me like that ;)" With the subject header being "i think that you're the type who likes "

2. Send messages rapid fire. I didn't want to deplete my resources in Portland by testing there, so I sent messages to places across the country. Go to Browse and set up your options. Go down the list and open 3-4 people at a time in new tabs, leaving the original tab for more browsing (this makes it faster to send out mass messages). Go through the tabs of girls you want to message, don't even look at profiles or pics beyond the thumbnail given to you. I definitely messaged some UGs, but the way I see it, girls online have absurd screening policies, even 2's and 3's will screen you out like a 10 in a club. So fuck it, I messaged them all in an effort to actually learn a repeatable system. (Sinn talked about having multiple streams of women in your life, so this is me tapping into online streams.) Message tons of people

Statistics As of Now

Total messages sent: 22
Total Unique Replies as of now (5 hours after sending): 7

Not effing bad. Almost all of them were nearly instant too.

Sidenote: Two of the seven replies were actually instant messages, one girl said "I'm kind of blown away at how well you read me..." and the other said "ok so you win first prize for weirdest message I've ever gotten" and I had conversations with both. The latter gave me her AIM name, the former says she is going to add me on facebook. The former was hotter.

So...

Hypothesis for Improvement: 1. Messaging girls while they are online produces good results and could potentially increase response rate.
2. Having a profile that doesn't suck could get girls who are initially interested, interested enough to actually reply (my profile currently sucks, hard).

I think I'll change up my opener after about 100 messages. Hopefully I'll keep this up for awhile and have documented statistics and such for posterity.

Sample Replies:
"I found it, honestly! (Never mind where.) Sometimes a girl just needs a new hat, you know?"

"Alas, no, actually, I'm not that kind of girl. The evil I work is considerably more subtle/awesome than that. :) "

"For the record, I quit thinking stealing things was cool back in high school. And I am a nice girl, until I'm given a reason not to be ;-)"

"Haha. Interesting. I'm not really a nice girl but I also don't steal."

Rebuilding the Habit

2008-11-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

Friday I went out to McFaddens with some friends for my VIP night. Didn't really do any sets, and here is part of the reason (other than my rationalizations). So, things to remember...

1. If you go out with guys, they either better be cool about you doing cold approaches, be able to have fun in a bar/club, or be interested in approaching as well. The dudes I was with wouldn't get up and dance and just goof around, they wouldn't talk much, even drunk they weren't much fun. Who gets drunk and doesn't have fun?

2. If I'm bringing girls, make sure they are either socially independent enough for me to leave them alone or bring enough girls for them to have a group to stick with. I felt like I had to baby sit a couple of these girls and that wore on me. A lot of guys advocate bringing girls out to the club with you, and I would love to be able to sit down with 5-10 girls when my feet are tired or I'm not in set, but honestly, I don't know how to use girls in cold approach game. I suppose I should give myself permission to fail and just go in with her on my arm and run it how I normally would.

3. Go with people who are down to have fun. My friends wanted to leave at midnight. I wanted to bounce to another bar and keep it going.

The next night, last night, I went over to a buddy's house party. Good fun, brought FemmeFatale with me, and a couple of her hot friends showed up, nice. At one point, and I'm totally patting myself on the back for this being so hilarious to me, I lost FF and I asked her friend where she went, her friend was like "Why do you want to find her huh? What do you want to do with her?"

I sighed deeply, put my arm around her and pointed off into an imaginary distance at a picture I began to paint for her, "First" I said, "I'm going to get into my car with her, and the two of us are going to drive to california! Then we're going to sit out on a beach and watch the sun go down, while drinking expensive alcohols, and we'll head inside to YOUR house and go to sleep in YOUR BED, then the next morning, I'm going to have your mother make us breakfast."

Her response? "I love you!" I shit you not, lol. Then she turned to her other cute friend and told her, word for word, exactly what I had just said. Hilarious.

A friend's ex-girlfriend came up and started hitting on me, I moved her out of her group, into the house, and sat on the couch to talk. She was super into me, kept complimenting me, said "I hear you're a player" to which I replied, credit to Brittany the stripper, "You know, I do a lot of things that could get me labled that, but I don't identify with it at all." She and her boyfriend had a logical breakup, he is studying abroad so they decided, although they like eachother, to break up. And she says to me, testing "But you're his friend, so you wouldnt do that (hook up with her) to him would you?" which I interpretted as "Tell me that you're ok with us hooking up" but I decided that I really don't want to be that guy. His friendship is much more important than fooling around with his "ex." So I told her she was right.

I forgot, I did some daygame too. Went out looking for a CD so it was a good opportunity. Of course I was paralyzed by the approach because it had been so long, and ended up doing a demo of Rosetta Stone (I'm looking into buying it, its not like I just stopped to run a set). Well talking with the sales woman got me feeling more social, and on that momentum, I stopped an older cutey right as I was walking away and asked abuot where I could find more music stores. She kept walking at first, but as I started to talk, she stopped and turned around. Then on the way out I did one more small break the ice set.

My Size

2008-11-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

This is so weird to me. Pictured here and expertly edited for confidentiality, is me and a young lady at a party. This picture is a physical representation of something I've only started to notice about myself.

The other day I was in one of my lit classes and the prof was passing back our essays. I was going to sit down just as she was placing mine on my desk, and I realized that I was a head taller than her! She's this little tiny (and kind of adorable) woman up there teaching the class, and I had no idea! In my head, I tend to make other people bigger than me, especially people of authority or people who I perceive to have high value. For instance this professor, my parents, hot girls, etc. And until recently I had no idea!

And what is the effect of a physically imposing person? They diminish you, they can cause fear, you can assign them greater worth because of their size, etc. And I've learned that it is the same with mental images. I picture myself, in my head, as a small dude, when in reality, I'm actually kind of an imposing figure in certain circles (mainly petite adorable females). What a limiting self perception!

Just look at the picture! I'm engulfing her in my arms and she's stuffed up against me, i'm so masculine and dominant and she's so feminine and cute!

Some people I am larger than in reality:
-My female lit profs
-My parents
-Nearly every girl in my social circle
-LittleOne (duh. And on that note, here is an exercise for me. When I'm with a girl, if there is a mirror, hold her from behind and have the two of us gaze on your image together in the mirror. See for yourself, as well as allow her to see, my dominant image and size.)

I'm not saying "tall guys and big guys rule!" I'm saying that it is a limiting perception to see myself as so small in my own mind and it affects me. I'm actually a big person!

Interesting points

2008-11-09T00:46:00.000-08:00

Other night I was at a party, had this girl waaaay into me, she was giving me (I realize now) the kind of vibe that says "I'm ready for a caveman to lead me someplace semi private and fuck me" but I was in the midst of a game of beer pong and told myself not to get too antsy, she wasn't going anywhere. Turns out she was. To the best of my knowledge she ended up leaving with some stoner guy. Weak! But what I learned is that at every party with a good female to male ratio, there is AT LEAST one of these girls if not several, who after some solid attraction and minimal investment will be ready to pull out and hook up. So basically, get out there and find that girl (while working the room).

I ended up in one of the dorms at Doa's room. It was like 2 minutes before intervisitation time was up (guys not allowed in girls wings in dormitories...catholic university), so I ducked in, closed the door, and sat down. I had already walked past her room, the door was open, she was on the phone and got up to talk to me, and promised to finish her conversation by the time i came back to say hi.

We ended up talking for a bit over an hour, so at past 3 am I decided to head out. I'm not going to interpret beyond exactly what this was - two people having a conversation late at night. There were no explicit signs in either direction.

Earlier that day I talked to LittleOne about the trust thing. I told her I decided that it was important that she trust me, and she has to start, or we're finished. Of course she said "what do you expect, its just going to happen?" and I said "nope, but it better happen soon...like this weekend." It was a longer conversation than that, but if she won't start acting like she trusts me I can't handle being around her.

I feel as though I'm back at square one somewhat.

I went out to dinner with my parents, and we ended up seated at a table that was right next to this girl from my school, way hott, who I managed to creep out early on in the summer (pre-convention). She was out on an obvious date with this alpha guy who fucked the girl I was most into at my birthday party back in June (It was a blow to me because the girl was the hottest one at the party, and asked me for MY number. But it being my 21st I was pretty drunk and having so much fun I wasn't thinking about hooking up until the night was practically over and the party clearedup. She texted me, she was way excited to go out with me, but I somehow managed to mess it up. Found out later that she had fucked this dude I mentioned the night she asked for my number.)

Anyway, I saw her, literally 3 feet from me, and just pretended not to notice. I got up to go to the bathroom so that when I walked back I could see for sure, and that's when I saw the dude from my birthday. I was a little upset, but I got over it and decided to become as much of a student as I could without blatantly watching and listening. The girl was SOOOO into him it was absurd. She was laughing way too hard at everything he said, she was over-eagerly contributing to the conversation, it was just blatantly obvious that he was going to have her when they got home. And guess what PUA's, it was on a dinner date. Course they could already have been fucking, I have no idea, but it felt more like a first date from where I was. Anyway, the dude was calm and relaxed, he sounded almost bored and almost completely uninterested in what she had to say. I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but I can almost guarantee it wasn't anything very interesting. He's a real tall guy, very muscular with decent fashion sense, so he has a lot of natural advantages, but there must be something else to him.

The main thing I took though, was the girl's demeanor. The only girls I've ever had acting that weird and interested in me were unattractive and/or had forced me into a date with them. Even after dates where I've hooked up, it has never been so on that there was absolutely no anxiety. And I know what it feels like to see every sign clear as day and know, with absolute certainty, that it is going to happen.

Do the really good guys still deal with the question in their head of whether its really on or not while they're out on a date or bring a girl over? 'Cuz recently I've been having some frustrations with girls who show all the macro behaviors of being interested (coming over to visit me knowing that we were going to "watch a movie" after we had madeout a couple nights before, for isntance...Beej), but show no micro behaviors of being interested (touching, laughter, etc).

Basically it gave me a mark to shoot for. To get girls so into me that when we go out on a date, THEY feel insecure about whether I like them or not, and about if they might screw up.

Two Choices

2008-11-05T16:40:00.001-08:00

You really only have two choices.

Either you man up and make things happen for yourself,

or you laze about, frustrated and angry.

Or as Dumbledore puts it,

"All of us have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy."

Emotionally Sensitive Periods

2008-11-04T21:34:00.001-08:00

Some people probably think this is common knowledge. Those people are probably wrong or just don't get what I want to talk about, even if it sounds kind of "derr."

Relationships, I believe, have emotionally sensitive periods. To put it in community terms, it's like a period of continual, very subtle shit testing. Actually any sort of continual shit testing.

At the beginning, girls shit test to see how much control they have over you. They may do this periodically, but if you're not a pussy or have a strong frame, you'll pass these easily. Emotionally sensitive periods are a little trickier.

You have to do something to drop into one of these periods, usually something big, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of it being something small, or a collection of small things.

For instance, in talking with LittleOne the other day, I was in an emotionally vulnerable mood. I had just bitched out TheActress for being effing nuts, I was taking in the gravity of how poorly I had held up my own standards for women and life, and then she drops this little comment about how, since I was confused about what she was talking about, I must have been lying when I told her what I did.

This struck a nerve in me.

Why would she immediately jump into thinking I was lying about something if she trusted me? So I asked. Turns out, she "isn't sure if she trusts me." I figured, fine, whatever. We're having sex and I like what we have, so if trust is going to change that, maybe she should just keep me at arms length.

Well I hung out with her tonight, and I realized I was subtly shit testing her the whole time. I usually do all the talking because she's semi quiet, so I shut up to see if she would talk. Nope. In driving back, and this was so girly of me I almost couldn't believe it, I mentioned how much I loved the band I was listening to in the car, and asked her if she would ever go see them in concert with me. She said maybe. I said, contingent on what. She said price and date. I said "25 dollars on a thursday night" she says "wait are they actually coming? or are you just asking hypothetically? don't do that!" All I wanted was for her to give me a legitimate response, something like "I would go if you wanted me to go" or "You know, it really isn't my style, if you absolutely begged me I would, but just for you" or "You kidding? you'd have to babysit me the whole time because i'd be moping, better you go alone than bring me" just something!

Our relationship, for those who are not as good at extrapolating, had entered into an emotionally sensitive period, wherein all of her actions were now on trial and had much greater significance than in a normal period. Were I not on the fence about her somewhat, I would not care about her responses, but since we are in this period, every wrong answer is a tally against her.

I brought her over to hang out with one of my buddies and me for a little bit. He and I joke around, I try to bring her in on the joke, she is unable. That's ok, he and I have greater rapport than she and I. Later I make a joke to her, and she says "isn't it sad that this takes up such a huge portion of your life?" or something like that. I tell her she doesnt have to be so serious all the time, she says "if you think i'm serious all the time, you clearly dont know me." guess I dont know her.

At her house she wouldn't let me, at least for long, just play with her limp arm while we watched the election. It's just something I like to do, its harmless. But I feel like she thinks I'm trying to demonstrate power over her, or tool her somehow, and thats not the case at all. I was actually really fucking annoyed that she kept pulling away. Maybe she doesnt like it, but guess what, I'm not the only person in the relationship that might try something new to help make the other person happy.

Girl needs to lighten up. I'm not into the silent and serious type.

Should have Shouldn't have

2008-11-02T23:17:00.000-08:00

Halloween...Goodness gracious.

Try to make it brief. Met up with some guy friends, together we all drank a bit and headed downtown to this rock club. I ended up bringing Japan along, she was tons of fun. I opened about a thousand sets and took pictures in all of them, but I was too out of control to go further than to pop in, get a picture, and pop back out.

Came back, Japan had held my hand tight and interlocked fingers in the club, we had gone to about a thousand different locations together, I taught her about the horns of rock, on the walk back to her place I asked if she was a virgin, she said no. Whew. She also said she doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't here long enough for anything serious. At least thats what I think she meant. Anyway, took her to her dorm, hugged her and left. No idea why I didn't try to escalate except that I was drunk and didn't trust my own judgement.

Went home alone, decided fuck that, its Halloween. So I went back out looking for a random party. Things were turning off around then, but I managed to fall in with some friends and got to this kegger. One cute girl. We moved from there to another house, to my place, back to the original place (her house). Drinking games, karaoke, nothing going to happen. Returned about 5:30 am. I've never been out that late before in my life.

********
Last night I was just going to call it a night and watch a movie by myself. It felt right to do. I got a call from this girl, VCard. We talked a little, she was wondering if i was near her dorm, I said no, blah blah, we hang up. She texts and says she wants to come over. I say sure why not.

She comes over, she's a sweet girl and I love her as a person, especially with her roommate, they make a hilarious team, but I'm not attracted to her. Anyway, I was watching a movie, and finished it, but since she was over I put another one on. She asks if we're going to cuddle, I say sure.

We're cuddling, I wasn't going to do anything, but I, being weak at times, changed my mind.

"Take off your shirt, I'm practically naked so you're wearing too many clothes"

*removes shirt*

Her bra is actually really sexy, I can tell she put it on for me...We end up hooking up. This girl was wildly enthusiastic, but obviously inexperienced. Enough said. I wasn't going to have sex with her.

But this is what upsets me. I changed my mind.

What happened to the oldest standard on my list, I do NOT do virgins. Too much flak, not even worth it. The appeal of treading fresh powder doesn't even pique my interest, so what gives? I say to her "Do you want to have sex" She says "I'm not sure." I say "I'm getting a condom, tell me if you change your mind."

I tear off her panties, put on a condom, and procede to attempt. Not only is she too tight, but when I tried to finger her earlier I swear I felt her hymen. Of course I don't know what a hymen feels like, so I can only speculate that that was indeed what I felt. I try to put it in her and she almost screams for the pain of it. I stop. I don't even want to be here, what am I doing?

Then SHE apologizes to me. God.

If it isn't coming across in my writing, I'm a little disgusted with myself. We go to sleep, I don't even want her to spend the night but I don't say anything about it, figuring I just tried to take VCard's V-card, its the least I can do. We wake up at 7 am, I tell her I have to get some real sleep and she needs to leave, she appears fine with it and leaves.

I'm upset with myself for not holding to my own standards. I want to get back in the field, halloween was a taste and I miss it so much. No excuses anymore.

Um..weird

2008-10-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

So theres this girl...

Imagine that!

Anyway, I'll call her Beej. So I used to have a thing for Beej, it never worked out for whatever reason, then recently she started giving me signs for some reason or another. One night she messaged me and said she "still had never been over to see my house" but I was busy and I told her so, and she said "ok fiiiiiine."

Anyway, I'm a little drunk and I was talking with FemmeFatale (good friend now) and left to use the bathroom. Beej is sitting on the stairs, we chat, I go do my thing, come back, sit down, she starts touching my leg and is receptive to me brushing the hair out of her face, so we start making out on the stairs in the lounge of this dorm. People keep coming in and out so we keep having to stop, I try to get her to leave, no dice and she's locked out of her room, waiting on the roommate to come open it up.

Anyway, I leave, that was like last saturday, so I text her...
"Beej!"

"Dasani!! What's up?"

"Reading homework, thinking i want a break soon"

"Breaks are always good!"

"Totally, what are you doing"

"Just reading for ed class"

"Thats dumb. Lets watch a movie, my friends rented this old comedy that I've been meaning to watch"

"hahaha ok fine.... Only if we can start it soon though"

"Yeah that works, my place is 5 mins from you. Need directions?"

"Yeah"

"[directions]"

She comes over and seems kinda nervous. I heard her come in, I was up in my room, and so I walked down to greet her. She was following my housemate, said Hi, and just walked right by me. Weird. So I kicked it downstairs for a minute, she came down, I got us some water and we both headed upstairs.

I took a few minutes to just talk TO her and try to help her get over whatever nerves she was feeling. I say TO because she wasn't talking. I tossed it up to nerves. Put in the movie ("The Pickup Artist" with Robert Downey Jr. I really enjoyed it), she sat down on the very edge of my bed (it's positioned toward my computer like a couch would be toward a tv), so I offered her a pillow for her back, she declined. She was already like 2 feet away from where I would have had her sit. So I remembered my lesson from TheActress, and I reached across and pulled her in and told her to sit closer. She semi resisted, and moved a couple inches away from me. Wtf?

We watch the whole movie a few inches apart. She doesn't laugh at the funny parts, she clutches her water and sits with her knees drawn almost up to her chest. I call her out on acting weird and nervous, of course she says she isnt.

I'm wondering why the heck she travelled all the way to my house (not that its very far, like 5-6 blocks, but it is chilly outside and was like 9:30 pm on a school night) to watch a movie if she didn't AT LEAST want to sit with me.

The end of the movie comes along, I had been trying to get her to chase a little or at least be receptive by laying away from her, then I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back I sat close again. She didn't move away this time, but I think now (foreshadowing!) that she was just trying to not be awkard by making it obvious she wasn't interested.

Anyway, I turn to her and say "hey this is kinda 7th grade boy, but do you want t kiss me?" She says no, appologizes, the movie ends, and I walk her to the door.

So here I am, puzzling over it and typing this up, and she texted me...
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on. I just thought you knew we are just friends."

"It's not a big deal. It's just weird"

"Why weird??"

Seriously? I don't know where to go with this in terms of attempting to move a rejection back into the green zone, so I just tell her how it is.

"You would only make girl excuses anyway, so dont worry about it, were just friends"

I'm a little annoyed at the whole affair, so I invited FemmeFatale over to kick it. I like this plan, get rejected by one, call another over. Not that I think FF will hook up with me, but it's nice anyway!

FR: The Happening

2008-10-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I had SassyFrass' housemate, TheActress come over to watch a movie with me. We'll see what happens with the whole situation, but its possible that by doing this I may have locked myself out with SF. We'll see.

I was heading out to see Edguy in concert (if you have the opportunity, GO! Tobias Sammet is an amazing man on stage!) and I texted TheActress to see if she wanted to get together and watch a movie we had been planning on (I mentioned it in my last FR). She texted back that she would like to a little later, I said I'd be back about 11, she agreed.

The concert was amazing. I was two people from the stage and got one of my favorite songs on video.

Came home, called TheActress, she didn't answer. I was going to head out with my housemate to some parties, but she called back and said she had to shower before coming over, I said ok and "But I'm not sitting around for one of those hour long girly showers, you best hurry it up!" She calls again half an hour later ready to go, I go pick her up.

We come back here, my housemates have some people over playing catch phrase, The Actress pets our animals, we go up to my room to watch the movie. Talk a little bit, show her some pics and video from the concert, then ask for the movie. She didn't have it, she meant for us to rent it ondemand. So we headed out to one of those little redbox kiosks and got it for a dollar. So it was good that we had some time to just chill before launching into being in eachothers arms, she was talking kind of fast and I could tell she was a little nervous.

Anyway, what's important about this whole thing for me is this. This girl was super into me, and I'm attracted to her (moreso now) but I didn't feel any fear or anxiety at all, and thus I was acting in a very assertive, dominant, and attractive way. We got back, set up the movie, I had her sit down first, then I sat down next to her so close our bodies were together (I like to do this because if she doesn't want to sit close to me, she can move away right away), she didn't move so almost in the same motion as sitting down, I reached across her, grabbed her under her opposite leg/hip and pulled her closer into me. She leaned in and curled up her legs across mine and clutched my arm that was across her.

So, I'm comparing that to the way I acted with SassyFrass that night I went over to her place. This way was much better, much smoother, and much more comfortable. Sometimes I gotta relearn stuff to get it in properly.

We watched the whole movie, I debated whether or not to hook up with her. On the one hand, I'm into her, and on the other I don't want to mess it up with SF. It might not even mess it up with her, and the way TheActress was talking, she might not even talk to her housemates about her sexual activity, so maybe I'll just end up totally under the radar. Who knows. Long story short I decided to hook up with her.

We're cuddling after the movie under a blanket and I try to kiss her, but she won't let me. She says she's a prude and just wants to cuddle. We talk and talk and talk, I assure her that all she has to do is to say stop to me and I'll stop whatever I'm doing. She thanks me and sounds relieved. She's not used to the casual hookup thing, and I give her a short "I'm kind of a player" speach, finishing with my new favorite "line," "It's important to me that you know what kind of person I am before you get involved with me." She thanks me again.

What ensued was basically a "lets turn eachother on without ever actually hooking up" session. It was interesting, and this girl is way dirtier than I had originally thought. She has the most sensitive boobs of any girl I've ever come into contact with. Like imagine somebody has cold hands and shoves them up your shirt, the kind of physical and vocal reaction you might have, run that through an arousal filter, and you have what happens when I touch this girl's boobs. And she's got a good sized rack so I am well beyond down to TF.

She'll let me down the back of her pants, she loves me looking at her body, but she is hesitant to let me touch her boobs too much (clothes never came off) because "they're so sensitive, and I don't want to ruin that by having them touched too much, I want it to feel awesome every time." Which is just awesome reasoning, it's like not jerking off for a week, when you finally do get off, its waaaay more intense.

This girl talks dirty. Never been with a girl who really got into it the way she did. Unfortunately my voice was hoarse from the concert I had just gotten back from, so it was hard to talk the way I wanted to, and I'm not very good at dirty talk, but I'm learning. She keeps asking me to describe to her the things I want to do to her while we're gently dry humping and she constantly seems on the verge of orgasm. She's an interesting girl.

We end up staying up till like 4:30am talking and fooling around (without actually fooling around) before I take her home. She kept saying things about how her housemates are crazy (like wild partiers and love to fuck) and kept asking me if I found them attractive. Said to me "didn't you and SassyFrass have a thing?" to which I replied "not really, we had kind of a nothing...a No-Thing as eckhart tolle would say." Which cracked me up that I could use "no-thing" in casual conversation. She's definitely got some insecurities and so I told her bluntly, "look, you're going to have to get used to the idea of me with other girls if you want to do this *gesturing* but if you want to just be friends, that's cool too." Gently mentining that I'm cool with just being friends, I like that, I'll have to remember.

Couple other things, she talked about some people being "easy" aka slutty and how she isn't, and I told her, "theres no such thing as easy, there is comfortable, and uncomfortable." and explained what I meant. I like that way of discribing the slutty vs not slutty issue. Some people are more comfortable with sexual activity earlier on because they have different values, it doesn't make them easier or more slutty, they just have values that allow them to become more comfortable more quickly in a sexual situation. If a person is 100% comfortable with being sexual with another person and it happens, it has nothing to do with ease or sluttiness. Just amount of time it takes to become comfortable.

New Goal!

2008-10-20T09:42:00.001-07:00

Get a girl who is willing and able to dance (read: strip) for me, to this song...

FR: Tasting Abundance

2008-10-15T23:56:00.001-07:00

Last night I was taking it easy, just going to watch a movie at the house. This girl I kinda know, SassyFrass' housemate, adds me on facebook while I'm online. We'll call her TheActress. I write on her wall something like "oh my god I'm friends with a z-list celebrity! eee!" and she writes back, and I write back, etc etc until I send her an instant message on FB. We start talking, I really enjoy talking with her, she's got such a unique sense of humor and I was actually giggling at my computer.

She asks for my AIM name, I give it to her, we start talking on there. She says she likes talking to me. We joke around some more, I tell her I'm leaving to go watch a movie, and give her my number and tell her to call or text when she's back in town (we're on break). She gives me her number and asks me to text her because she doesn't have her phone on her to put it in, I do. We had talked about The Happening and she asked "you wanna watch it sometime?"

"yeah sure"

"watch it with me?"

"love to"

"ok! :)"

Which I thought was just damned adorable. I went downstairs, got into my movie, and about 2/3 through it, SassyFrass texts me...

"Wat are ya up to?"

Thought about Nilatak's advice, didn't want to be too eager and be like "oh man, alone and watching a movie, you should join me" So I just answered the question.

"Watchin a movie"

"Hmm ok. Im home alone"

I took a second to respond because at this point I was freaking out a little bit because this girl intimidates me and I figured this was a booty call for sure (about 11:30 pm) and ran upstairs to check the advice that Nilatak had given me about texting and neediness one more time, and she sent another text.
"Ok. Im home alone."

"Thats weak. Theres still some movie left"

"Yea im just lonely and stupid [housemate] and [housemate's boyfriend] are at [boyfriend's]. so iv got to b alone. sad."

I decided she was playing it safe, and I was just going to go all in.

"Well if you want to finish this one with me, ill bring it over"

"O! Haha no its fine. I didnt mean u had to come now or interupt ur movie."

Maybe she didn't want me to come over...?

"Ill be over in 10"

"Do u want me to pick u up?"

Maybe she did.

I was honestly worried the short car ride would be awkward, so...

"Nah. Ill bike"

Grabbed condoms, brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, and headed out. Couple minutes later I'm there and I walk in. For some reason it just doesn't feel on. We sit down on the same couch, are sitting close enough for our bodies to be touching, have a blanket over us, the house is empty except us, and it doesn't feel on. I decide this is stupid, but I can't get myself to emotionally respond to what logically looks like it should be a very easily sexual situation. She is acting very girly, like "I'm in need of a strong man to take care of me" girly. I'm shocked and confused because normally she's so god damned alpha I'm intimidated into near silence.

We can't get the original movie to work, so we put in a different one. We don't even cuddle, just sit close. I toy with the idea of saying "So did you invite me over here to sit close or are we going to cuddle" but I didn't, instead I got up, got some water, and when I sat back down I put my arm around her, but she didn't really adjust for it and in a minute said it was uncomfortable and moved away. I was confused. Later on she lays down toward her side of the couch, so I concede it as a loss and try to get her to chase me by withdrawing to my own side of the couch.

About 15 minutes later, it works. She picks up the pillows, gives them to me to make myself comfortable, then leans in to snuggle up with me. I move us into spooning position, but I'm still acting like a pussy, or at least I thought so. The movie is almost over, so I start nuzzling her neck and ear and gently kiss her and nibble on her neck, she likes it, but then pulls away and is like "no, no thats not why I invited you here, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make it seem that way" or something like that, not in a forceful way but keeping with the down-girly tone of the evening.

I pull away and say that's cool, and suddenly BAM I didn't care anymore. What's she going to do, reject me again? Pshhhhh. I start playing with her body like a "rag doll" to quote her, moving her around, pulling her in, making constant fun of her, and generally amusing myself. I tell a bunch of stories about other girls (It seemed to fit at the time, I wasn't thinking about preselection stories or anything, but later she was like "you know, for coming here and trying to hook up, you tell a lot of stories about other girls, its an interesting tactic" or something like that) and we really start getting to know eachother.

The other night when we had hung out, she got pretty drunk and was crazily throwing punches at me, not violently, but harder than she should because she was drunk. I would catch her arms and spin her around and hold her, and I guess I gave her a couple bruises. One between her bicep and her upper arm bone, and on the other arm right at the elbow. Wrestlers know what thats about. Anyway, she comes in with something about how, and I dont know how it came up anymore, but how all the pieces were in place for "a girl" to accuse me of sexual assault, seeing as how nobody was around, shes got bruises, etc etc, and how the court would side with "the girl" in an instant. She wasn't threatening me, she just thought it would be interesting I spose.

I decided this was not the point to hide my feelings. I don't want to make a victim of myself, but she's right, and thats fucked up, and it's fucked up to joke about. I make like I'm going to leave. I think it was the second time I put on my jacket and was about to go. She reeled me back in and apologized, tried to get me to talk about it. I didn't want to, we changed the subject.

It got fun again, she asked me to stay for another movie, I had a sandwich. We're spooning and I'm starting to fall asleep, so I tell her, and tell her I should go. She thrusts her hips abck into me and I pull her in and start smelling her hair and gently nuzzling her. She calls me a tease, I bite her neck and kiss her neck and shoulders. I pull her in for a kiss and she's like "no, I'm not kissing you" so I say "fine, you don't get to" and I fully intended to bang her without ever kissing her. But it just wasn't working out. As aggressive as I was being, I think I could have been even moreso and made it happen.

Eventually I got up to leave, made her get up, played with her a little more, she comes to the door to help me out and I shove her against the wall. She really likes that, calls me a tease again, wraps her leg around me as I kiss her neck more and she moans. Then she pushes me off and I walk out.

I think she really just wanted the last hurrah, which is too bad for me for falling into it, and if I wasn't so committed to leaving at that point I probably could have just told her to shut up, pushed her back against the wall, then taken her. I did a lot of things wrong, but to me the most important thing was getting to the point where I can be ME around her, instead of all intimidated and weird. Also, I had a lot of fun, which is how it should be. Even if I don't get with her, her house mate is obviously into me, so...awesome!

FR: "SHE WAS MY FIRST ASIAN!"

2008-10-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

Went to a friend's birthday party last night, lots of fun and good times all around. I met a pretty cute asian girl wearing a playboy bunny outfit, Asia.

Asia and I flirt on and off throughout the night, I had her take my phone number and call my phone, then we left a voicemail on her phone together, and I also had her text me asking me to call her. She's wearing my headband from my costume.

The end of the night rolls around and I get in the car to get a ride home. Asia is driving a couple other people, in their car, back to their place. We get there, they unload, Asia and I get into the car of one of her friends and head back to the original party, where we change cars again, this time it's just me and Asia and she's taking me home.

We get here and I say, "pull up into the driveway and park, and come inside for a second" She says ok and complies. We go inside, I get some water, we go up to my room. I close the door, change out of my costume (muay thai fighter) and start talking about my little movie collection and ask her to pick one. We choose Casino Royale, she's sitting on my bed and says something I call her a liar, she says she never lies, so I sit near her, moving gradually closer and say "you don't lie? never? you'd never lie to me..." as I close in and kiss her. She kisses me but she's all non commital about the kiss. We kiss a little more, she says she should go, I say I want her to stay, she says ok and we start the movie. We cuddle, makeout, cuddle, makeout, she can't seem to accept that I really like her, "I don't usually dress like this, you're going to see me around at school and you're going to think I look like a bum" I say something to the effect of "whatever."

Turns out Asia is a virgin. A legit virgin, to quote Millennium, "They DO exist..!"

She really wants me to call, I'm going to, but we'll see. I've never been with an asian girl before, but she's also a virgin. She left a little later.

LR: LittleOne

2008-10-11T10:33:00.001-07:00

Not much to say about this one. It was a few weeks coming, but it inevitably did. I was at LittleOne's place the other night, just watching a movie and cuddling, it was understood I was going to stay the night. She starts humping my leg, we start fooling around, and finally she lets the panties come off. We couldn't have sex because it was the one night I didn't bring a condom with me, because I genuinely didn't want to have sex that night (before that point).

The next night I went over, had her take me out to dinner, then we went back and sealed the deal, "You did bring a condom this time, right?" It's good to be with somebody I actually like. Speaking of which, I give credit to (though it's a correlation, not a cause) this happening, the end of her LMR, to a text I sent (and the amount of time we spent together).

Me: "You miss, are a little tiny female"

Her: "oh really. you're so observant"

Me: "Yep, and I have another observation..."

Her: "What is it"

Me: "I like you :)"

Her: "aww, I think I like you too"

Just something sweet for her to think about while we were apart, a few days before we finally had sex.

I'm too god damn safe

2008-10-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

Like the title says, I'm too god damn safe. I'm so WORRIED about rejection, even on a small scale.

Look at many of my approaches. Unless the girls are jumping down my throat, I'm in and out in 5-20 seconds. Wam! They're laughing awesome! better leave because I feel like I MIGHT run out of steam. And I'm out.

Last time I saw SassyFrass I was in a bad mood and she invited me over to cook dinner for me. She texted me the next day, asking if I was still interested and if I'd go to the play at school with her too. I said yes, we planned for tonight at 6: 30. She texts me at like 5:45 "did you say youd go to the play with me?" I said yes and that she said shed make me dinner. She siad she didnt have any food, blah blah, she calls me, turns out she does have food but just doesn't have any chicken for the macaroni she's making. Fine. We talk for a bit and I feel a good energy on the phone. She's being girly and I'm having fun.

I'm a little nervous going over there, managed to see a couple girls I knew on the way over and chatted a bit to get the social juices going. Got there, it was kinda blah, but she was giving me passive signs that she was into me. Look at me, looking for signs when a girl makes me dinner and invites me out with her. Anyway, I sit on one of three couches and she sits on the same one, we fight over the remote and she seems to be enjoying herself. Her housemate comes home, turns out shes coming too because another housemate is starring in the play. Fine. SF basically ignores me while she's talking to her friend. We go to the play, SF basically ignores me while talking with another girl. At one point I pulled her into a half hug for some reason and she complied with putting her head into my chest so easily, but nope, not enough for me. We watch the whole play, I touch her like once, she never touches me. At one point I'm on the phone with a friend during intermission because she was off talking to some other people, she asks who I'm talking to and I tell her and say "Say hi SassyFrass" and she pulls away from the phone looking weirded out and says "Why?" and asks "Does your friend not believe you're out with a girl?" I realize that that is exactly what it looks like, like I had said "dude i'm out with this chick, check it out I'll make her say hi just so you KNOW!" I reply to her "yeah totally" or something like that.

Anyway, nothing happens, we watch the play and congratulate her housemate on doing so well.

I ask the girl who drove if she can take me home, she does, I leave.

This girl wants to be fucked. Well, WANTED to be fucked, I can't say for sure now. I mean part of me is like "dude its fine, you didn't give her any real indications that you were into her, so nothing has changed, she still wants it" part of me is like "don't even fucking worry, it's one girl, you still might get her, and you might not, it doesn't matter either way" and part of me says "ugg how come you're such a god damned pussy"

I am not a pussy. I am tired of acting like one. I hereby commit myself to putting my "self" ON THE LINE. I will run in under a hail of gunfire, I will not submit to paltry social pressures like "somebody might see me put my arm around her...oh god!" No more of that stupid crap. I'm done with it. I'd much rather get rejected and be able to say I tried than to come back here and bitch at the internet.

FR: Parties and such

2008-10-05T01:07:00.000-07:00

I'm losing momentum. Not having my car, I haven't been getting out as often as I'd like, and by that I mean the only time I'm going out specifically to practice is...never. I get a few random approaches in during the week, real spur of the moment stuff and I've made some solid contacts, and I usually hit a party or two on the weekend.

Anyway, tonight I went over to a buddy's house, a dual 21st birthday. I just kind of mingled, I was having fun but I was moving everywhere. That's something I do at parties that I've got to slow down, I never allow myself time to chill and relax into the environment and make some connections. I walk around, moving from point to point, talking with people in short bursts before walking away. I think I'm just deathly afraid of putting myself out there in a committed interaction sometimes. One thing I did well, this girl I call C-Frish, I don't even know her real name and it's become a joke between us, I tell her never to tell me. Anyway I saw her and I busted on her way too hard, something about how she was embarassing me and herself. She looked legitimately hurt and started walking away, so i grabbed her by the arm and said "hey, come back here.." and pulled her in for a big hug, which she fully invested herself in. I realized I was being a douche, and I pulled it back, that's important.

I left a little while later and met up with Millenium. He and I headed to another house party with his girlfriend and her friend. Got there, I just didn't feel social tonight, I mingled a little bit and this girl who loves me for some reason and is not from around here but visits, comes up, ignores her boyfriend for me, but then introduces him as her boyfriend. Too bad. I tried to leave and call it a night but I met up with some friends and they literally carried me back.

I'm chatting with Millenium and leaning over, so my stomach was kinda fatty feeling under my shirt (I'm not fat, but I'm not in the best shape of my life). Anyway, M's girlfriend starts grabbing my fat, it kinda tickles and hurts and she goes "what is all this!?" I think it's so stupid that I do it back and say "oh wow! look you've got it too!" she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and starts kicking and punching me. Legitimately trying to hurt me, I'm like "Millenium, regulate this shit." But he thinks we're kidding around and she keeps trying to hit me. Part of me was confused I was being attacked, and part of me was saddened that a girl, upon receiving exactly the same treatment that she's giving, flips the fuck out. One of the other girls "broke it up," the girlfriend walks away, comes back, and then starts complimenting me....Right.

Inside I ended up meeting a very cute japanese foreign exchange student, Japan. I grabbed her by the arm and asked her why everybody was leaving the room I was headed for. I should remember that, I don't always have to approach somebody in a direct or clever way. Asking them a question is just fine. That doesn't mean I'm going to walk around shooting opinion openers off at parties, that is stupid, but sometimes i gotta hammer the basics in.

At one point this older community guy I know through the lair comes over and starts trying to DHV me to a girl I've known for a year. This is one reason I try to avoid him.

Japan and I start talking and part, I see her again, later I see her walking by and I just yell "JAPAN!! come here" she comes over and we start talking. The girl she was with, she met that night. I move her out of the room too come with me to get some water. We move around the party and talk a little bit, she was super nice, though I can't be sure if she was attracted. I got her phone number, gave her mine, was going to leave her a voicemail with both of us talking but she doesnt have voicemail because shes only in the country for a little while and her plan doesn't cover it. Her almost transsexual friend comes over. He(almost she... I heard he's actually taking hormones and he does have a wicked feminine voice) and I talk a little bit, but he is leaving the party and takes Japan with him.

I was heading home myself when I ran across the girl who really needs a damn name because she keeps coming up. She is upset and walking home alone, at night, in north portland. Not the safest. I offer to walk her. We get all the way to her house when her drunk housemate calls, tells her she walked the wrong way trying to get home (also alone) and so now we have to go and get her. We do. On the way back to my place (which was in the direction we had to go to meet the drunk girl) I ran into SassyFrass. She runs up and hugs me and wraps her legs around me, and says we're going to hang out soon and sorry for passing out on the couch the night before (I went over for a small get together, just some friends and drinking games.) She's going to make me dinner on wednesday.

Anyway, I get my housemates boyfriend to drive the lot of us back to the drunk girls' house and drop them off, then come back.

I think a key to getting good at this is being able to develop the mindset where I'm genuinely curious about any person I choose to be curious about. The only girl i was really interested, consciously and emotionally (not just attracted to), tonight was Japan, but there were TONS of hott females around.

******************

For some reason, I am upset and a little angry with girls. I was fine with walking the original drunk girl home, its not like she asked me, I decided it was the right thing to do. But drunk girl kept getting on the phone while I was walking her, and I started caring less and less. Eventually I started to get downright annoyed. Who is so stupid drunk that they walk a mile in the wrong direction trying to get home. That isn't a question.

By the time we rendezvous with the real drunk girl, I didn't even want to look at either of them, just get them home and get me home. I don't know why this whole situation pissed me off. I guess maybe because I didn't feel like I was getting the respect I deserved for the great pains I was taking to get these girls home safe. I think it's the old nice guy in me, upset that he isn't getting laid for doing nice "gentlemanly" things. The thing is, I'm just not interested in sleeping with the first girl I was walking home with, I used to be, now I'm repulsed at the idea. I would probably with the other, she's just a weird girl so its like a novelty attraction. But I wasn't actively interested in it.

Seeing SassyFrass and having her confirm to make me dinner and hang out actually put me in a worse mood. Whats up with that? Ug, gotta figure some shit out. Gotta get in field more.

Dancefloor game, putting together THE game

2008-09-28T13:19:00.000-07:00

I really need to articulate some of my theories and observations on, well, everything.

Dance Game
Obviously, my school having such a low male population, this will change the dynamic and workings of the dancefloor. Having such a shortage of guys to dance with will make girls much more open to dancing. But this is what I've noticed, pretty much everywhere I've danced, it just had a ridiculous success rate last night. Having a good time and being the party is key. Every girl who danced with me had a blast and did something a little bit more unique than probably any other guy they danced with. Momentum was really easy to carry over from one girl to another. I'd momentarily drop the girl I was currently dancing with, and pull another one in. Even if they resisted slightly, I grabbed them in ways that they couldn't resist. I think I even picked up a few of them and moved them a few feet. Sometimes I would grab one girl and if she was resistant, I would grab the entire group and dance with all of them in one massive group. I once went straight for the guy in the group (somebody I knew in this case, but I didnt know any of the girls) and started dancing with him the way I would with a girl, spinning him around and such, having a good time, then I passed him off and grabbed the girl I wanted. Definitely something worth trying again, though I could see it being hard to pull off with a stranger.

Ultimately, meeting on the dancefloor is intensely impersonal, and only one in many will be attracted hard enough for me to basically run off with after dancing a few songs. I have to move the girl off the dancefloor if I want to escalate in any way. Moving off the dancefloor IS an escalation. But it's gotta happen. Even if only to get some water and spend 30 seconds talking, before getting back and dancing more. Gotta move em.

IOI's vs Dancing as fun or to be social (impersonal)
-Generally, clasping hands and interlocking fingers as we danced only happened with girls it was more on with.
-Eye contact- this is something I still haven't figured out. there was one girl who wouldn't look anywhere but in my eyes, it was obviously on with her so i can say that in that extreme, never looking away, they are definitely communicating interest. However there were girls who I had other potential IOIs with but who wouldn't look in my eyes, at least for very long, such as the younger sister in my last FR who would talk about how she didnt want to do things with me but would comply. She wouldn't look in my eyes. I think this could be a reflection of the amount of tension they feel, good or bad. If there is good tension, they wont break eye contact, if there is bad or no tension, they look around for more stimulation. IN this way you could easily have other IOIs, which would mean the girl is giving signs that she wants to feel more tension, a stronger emotion. It is my signal to say or do something to create that emotion. Ahhh I like this.
-Staying with me while their friends walk off. Obviously this is huge.
-Waiting around for a second dance once the first song ends, definitely an indicator that they're enjoying me.
-Conversatoin while dancing/asking me questions while dancing. I seriously have no concrete proof about what I'm going to hypothesize, but its good to get the idea out there and try it. This probably means they're looking to be moved some place to talk. I don't mean to get so nit picky and analytical about these little pieces and functions, but I think it's important in breaking this whole thing down.

Crushing
I can not figure this out. Maybe I'm just oblivious to it and it's just a stupid mental image of myself, but I don't know of any girls who have a crush on me, and more importantly (and damaging to me, this is a disempowering mindset related to my old belief that I am not attracted, I'm conscious of it now so it's time to change it) I don't see myself in my head as the kind of guy that girls go home and talk to their friends about, or spend any sort of time thinking about and falling in love with.

Honestly I just have to assume that girls are thinking about me. How could they not? I was easily the coolest guy that most of the girls I danced with last night met. So here is a plan of action, part of getting feedback on what worked and what didn't from a girl after we've gotten together or hooked up. This is always dicey stuff 'cause girls will literally change their answers, in my experience, depending on how much they like me. Ask some questions that are specificly tailored to elicit responses pertaining to girls talking about me when I'm not around, so here are some that might work..
"What did your friends think of me, before we went out/hung out/whatever"
"Were you surprised when I called"
"My friends would not stop asking me questions about what happened between us"
"What did you think was going to come of us meeting/exchanging numbers/etc"

Hopefully that will draw out some legitimate replies. I'll find out. LittleOne had told me that her friends had facebook stalked me, so that's something, course I didn't leave her time to grow a crush on me.

Random musings
I wrote these down when I was writing an essay for a class. English essays put me into an intensely analytical state where I notice the tiniest of things (you have to in order to close read or analyze prose or poetry).

When you're in the stage of "we might or might not like eachother" and the surest way to find out is to ask her out on a non murky date, a romantic date in essence, how can one circumvent the date dynamic and still pursue an option that would clarify where in the interaction you lie? The answer, which seems obvious now, is PERHAPS to invite her over to hang out "hey what are you doing, blh abah, hey im bored, come over and kick it with me for a bit, I can't figure out what movie to watch on demand all by myself" if she is cool with the idea, you can go from there. In the dorms this seemd like the only logical solution, invite her over and work the movie watching escalation routine. BUt a better man would work the dynamic in such a way that a mutual attraction/seduction takes place. To watch the movie forces a dynamic, there is no tension, no real drive. Though both people may desire it, the forcing of fates hand is anything but romantic. Mid movie you could go out to get some snacks, or say you're tired and you want to walk a bit and get some air, do SOMETHING to change the dynamic. This is solid. Keep pondering. the point here is this...I DON'T NEED AN EVENT AS AN EXCUSE TO SPEND TIME WITH A GIRL I LIKE.

each time i'm walking and notice i'm walking weird or think i am, it is because i am consciously focusing on and thinking about how i am walking and how it is perceived. I'm not using walking as an automatic motion, i am treating it as an image of myself, thereby causing me to interpret it as an image of myself through the eyes of other people. INverted focus. Weak shit.

I put too much responsibility into the hands of the girl. I've been walking around, waiting for her to give me the right IOI's before I'll give her any. I have to realize that sometimes my value is high enough that she is so worried that if she gives me IOI's that she will get rejected. She fears my rejection. So she is waiting for me to make the first commitment. As in giving a girl permission to speak, or when walking past eachother, am i going to stop and make the commitment to the convesation, or am i going to keep walking and wait for her to stop. In the former, sure I risk "rejection" but I'm also demonstrating where I want to go and going about making that happen, it doesn't matter if she keeps walking, all that means is where i wanted to go at that time was not the same as where she wanted to go. If the latter, it means I don't believe that I have the value to be talking to her, so I want her to validate that I do indeed have that value by stopping to talk to me, I want her to validate me as the prize, instead of already believing that I am the prize. Evene if she kept walking and I stopped, I could stop her. "Hey, stop for a minute and chat with me" its possible that shes so in her head and nervous around me that she wants to stop but isnt conscious enough to make that decision, or is just too afraid to

FR: Homecoming

2008-09-28T12:24:00.001-07:00

Last night was the homecoming dance for my school. Did a couple of things differently. One, I had never been to a dance drunk before, so I decided to drink a little with my buddies before going out. Not drunk really, just a bit tipsy and limber. Two, I decided to dress in a way that I found sexy, not in a way that I thought other people would find sexy. I wore my brown square toe shoes, these tight as fuck AG jeans that I got like 9 months ago and had never worn because they're a little bit too long and need to be hemmed up, my brown studded belt, a white button up with a textured pattern on it buttoned halfway up with nothing underneath, a black tie tied loosely around my neck, and a little bit of goofyness to my hair. I felt sexy as fuck, kind of the badboy look when everybody else was going slacks and structured. The only things I would have changed, I would have liked a red tie, and my hair could have been a little bit better.

I don't own any hair product so I called one of the girls I know in the dorms and got her to find a girl who could do my hair with some of her stuff. I inadvertently met one of the hottest girls in the dorm. Great athletic figure without being overly thin, powerfully built, like a Hollywood female warrior. Huge boobs, brown hair, wearing little shorts and a tank top with the straps hanging loosely at her sides, the shirt hanging almost precariously off her ample breasts. I'll give her a name in the hopes that we meet again; Doa. Doa does up my hair, does kind of a lame job but I didn't want to be a douche about it. At one point she was drying my hair, and the cord was kinda short so I had to follow her directions for where and how to turn so she could get it all. I was looking into her face, talking a little, and she asks me to tilt my head down, basically putting me about 8 inches from the chest I've devoted half this paragraph to describing. Mmmm, see you at the dance.

Went off, drank with my buddies (had a girl compliment me on how sexy my pants were on my way off from Doa), and we headed out. I was bouncy as fuck, as I tend to be when I've been drinking. Got on the bus, headed to the dance, got there and immediately started tearing it up. Tonight was about me having fun, and I wanted to dance, so dance I did. I was grabbing girls left and right, front, above, whatever. I'd be dancing with one girl, shouting and laughing with goofy grin plastered to my face, and I'd notice people around us (particuarly girls, my school has an absurd female/male ratio, like 70/30) staring and smiling or giggling. I'd just walk into their group and grab the one I wanted around the waiste and pull her out, basically communicating that she didn't have an option. Did this numerous times, had so much fun. I grabbed one girl as she was going by and she was just so flustered she couldn't stop giggling. She asked my name, "well do you really want to know who I am, or would you prefer if I was just the annonamous man of the night." She giggles and wants to know who I am, I tell her, Millenium comes by and takes some pictures of us.

Some random little tidbits:

I was talking to Millenium and some asian girl walks past, I grab her around the midsection and pull her in "you...look like you know how to dance...Dance with me" "I do! Ok!" Her name is the same as a certain Pokemon, I laugh at this and tell her I'll never forget. I haven't yet, go me. She tells me I'm fun and we part

Sassyfrass comes up and goes into girly mode, we dance a little and I mouth to Millenium "This is sassyfrass!" since he'd never seen her before, only read the reports. SF pulls away a little and is like "blah blah its girl time to dance!" So I pulled her back in, spun her around and literally tossed her out of her own group and grabbed one of the other girls. I have no idea if this was a good idea, but I thought it was hilarious. That was the last I saw of her that night.

Saw LittleOne, gently moved people out of my way so I could get to her, danced with her for awhile, some dude was obviously into her and I was making him uncomfortable with my energetic vibe. I decided to leave her to him, I've already got her so I ran off to meet more ladies.

One of my old roommates, who is actually kind of an emotional douche and I've relegated to slightly better than an aquaintance, ends up walking with me and I say we're going to find some girls, some girls that can dance "like that one, and that one, and ohhh that one she's the best!" as I walk off, through the three set and grab the girl in a reddress and tell her "I choose you! From among your peers, you are the best!" Which made me laugh and her giggle and we danced. turned out I actually knew this girl, and she's really not very cute when not all decked out, but god damn can she ever clean up. I didn't even recognize her and she was easily the hottest out of the group she was in, all very cute girls. Crazy how some girls can transform like that, before my very eyes. My old roommate disappears, I fail to notice.

I see the girl from my "a long time cumming" fr and she looks all sad, I decide to cheer her up and swoop in. She refuses to be very cheerful and starts in with "your old roommate (obviously she used his name) is an ass." There aren't a lot of things that girls can do or say, short of farting a lot, smelling bad, and being crazy needy and insecure that totally turn me off to them. However, finding my old roommate attractive, especially to the point where his not giving her enough attention makes her feel unhappy, I find disgusting and completely wrecks any attraction I might have held for her. I say "And I'm out!" and walk off to meet girls who hold themselves to a higher standard.

Millenium tries to breakdance without telling me and kicks me in the face gently. I laugh hysterically.

I was well past sober by about halfway through my time at the dance, once I start having a good time its hard to stop me.

I see FemmeFatale a couple times, she loves how much fun I'm having and comes to tell me she's leaving and calls me a little later. I almost pulled her over to my house, she said yes, then called back saying she was uncomfortable coming over to my house because she's never been and none of my housemates know her. She doesn't want to be "that girl." I'm ok with this. She promises to call me soon, IM's me on facebook and tells me again that she's sorry shes not coming and she will call me.

I did a couple of approaches to girls sitting around looking bored, but none of them went anywhere. I didn't really want to talk to any of these girls I suppose.

It was kinda funny, I danced with the youger sister of a girl I'm kinda into, who also happens to have all her sister's best qualities, physically at least, and I would say something like "lets go where there's more room so I can start really tossing you around!" and she would say "Oh no! No lets not" as she would comply with my movement. Girls are so funny. She did the same thing later when she was sitting down with a friend "Oh no I don't want to dance!" then we dance. Then she says while we're dancing "I don't even know why I'm out dancing with you." She keeps trying to lead the dancing, I call her out and tell her shes a tom boy, she laughs and says she knows.

Ohh. This one absolute hotty, one of the hottest girls I've ever met in my opinion, PinUp, sees me moving through the crowd. She excitedly taps on my shoulder until I turn around and see her. She knows its time to dance. We run off into an open space and start tossing eachother around, me going through everyone of the 4 or 5 moves that I know, her laughing and loving the fact that I, with my modest skills, am a much better dancer than 90% of the guys there. She is such a great dance partner, I could actually pull off the movie style dip and fast pull back up to face to face. Soooo sexy, PinUp is such a bad girl. Her leapard print bra is sticking out just a little bit from her tight red dress. I was I had the presence of mind to start going sexual, but I was having too much fun with no outcome in mind. It's weird, with her I feel like I have no chance at all, even though she loves me. The feeling is akin to being good friends with my best friend's girlfriend. Even though there might be chemistry, I would never cross that line. I think she has a boyfriend, but she's never said this to me that I remember.

Saw her once more a little later and we sat together and then danced a little more. Saw another girl who is pretty sexy who is into me, we danced a bit and she told me I was too much, I agreed. I'll see all these girls again so I don't want to get needy or over eager, which has been my downfall in the past.

The public safety officers who came to talk to me about the noise complaint in my FR: The Police were there, they broke into huge smiles when they saw me. Haha, love that.

I think that's about it for the FR part of the evening.

Crossing the Threshold

2008-09-22T09:59:00.001-07:00

Last night I felt like I finally crossed the threshold with LittleOne. Lol, finally, as if it's been so long.

I made it way more obvious than I usually do when I'm getting involved with a girl, that I don't do relationships and I'll be seeing other girls, but when I'm with her, I'm with her. Then I said this, and I realized the truth of it as I spoke, "Look LittleOne, bottom line, It's very important to me that you know exactly what kind of person I am before you get involved with me." I realized the way I used to get into my whole "I don't do relationships" spiel, by telling the story of my first girlfriend, and went back to the beginning and told that.

I crossed the threshold after that point. I think that for me, getting past that "obstacle" is about being honest and putting myself out there, regardless of whether or not this person will accept me.

Part of me is saying now, that the feeling of crossing the threshold comes because I have the girl's approval, despite her knowing that I'm not going to be involved with her exclusively. Another part of me says that the feeling comes from the peace of mind of knowing that, no matter what happens, I held myself to a high standard and maintained my integrity as an honest person. The only way to test this for sure is to get to this point with a number of girls, and have some of them reject me. If I still cross the threshold after I'm rejected, it is the latter. If I feel reserved/etc it is the former.

I want to get to the point where I've crossed the threshold with myself. In that way, I'll be expressing who I am, fully, without care of who will approve of me and who won't, everywhere I am. Not just crossing it with individual girls.

FR: D2 and Fortunate Timing

2008-09-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

Quick update before I get into it:

SassyFrass and I have been texting occasionally, I don't want to put it all down here. We had one thing where I texted her and got her to agree to make me dinner, unfortunately it was before I got that great advice from Nilatak. Looking back on it I was recalling stuff from our night out and was just too pushy and weird, even though she said sounds good and said we should kick it sometime.

The other night I texted her to see what her night looked like, called her a goober, she said she loves being called a goober and she had to study all night, I didn't text for awhile and later said she should call me sometime, she said sure. I texted her later asking why she likes to be called a goober, blah blah, sometime later that night shes like "ahh this studying will kill me" and we texted a little more.

The time when I asked her what her night was like, I was walking with a female friend of mine and this cutie, ImaginaryGirl, was like 20 feet behind us, I asked my friend if she'd eaten, she said she was just about to ask me, so I turned around to IG and said (we've known eachother awhile, I blew it with her once by missing the cues she was giving about wanting to nail me, but I think my "rejection" of her made her crazy attracted to me, like almost scared of me) "Hey, have you eaten?"
"no"
"do you drive?"
"yes"
"lets all go out to eat"
"ok!"
so the three of us went out and got some food, IG lives in my ex girlfriend's old house, kinda weird coincidence. Just a chill time vibing and getting to know eachother, I gave her my number at the end of the night and told her to call me if she's doing anything. No call yet but I'm not going to rush it.

Yesterday I was on a school field trip, I didn't really know anybody on the trip and was feeling awkward at first, but calmed down and made sorta friends with a cutie sitting near me. Couldn't even really talk to this girl for some reason, I was just in a weird state, I wanted something from her. She's the roommate of a girl I'm into and I was thinking "well if I make a good impression on her, it will help me with the roommate." Ssssssssspshhsh.

The last stop on the trip I ended up walking next to this tiny little girl (LittleOne) and was walking alone so I started talking with her, "have you ever been here before?" We started talking and I got the impression she was in the same sort of position as I was, didn't really know anybody, so we bonded quickly. I had her hike with me a hundred yards or so beyond where the rest of the group was stopped, to have her invest in me a little and to have more time to talk alone. Did a little takeaway when we got back to the group and went back to talk to the girl I mentioned earlier. She came walking by on her way back down the mountain and said I should give her some of my answers on our worksheet, I said I'd give em to her if she carried my stuff down in her backpack, as I unzipped it and she stopped and let me. Walked down with them, ended up walking with her back to the bus and flirting the whole way.

When the bus pulled into school, she was in front and I was in back, she stopped outside the bus and stood there on her phone, back turned to the bus. I came out and kicked her butt, and we flirted a little more, and I said..
"hey what are you doing later"
"I'm not sure, why"
"I don't have any plans for dinner, how about we grab a bite"
"that would be great!"
"alright cool, take out your phone...my number is ###...now call my phone so I have yours...ok cool, I'll give you a call a little later"

I patted her on the arm and walked off. Texted her a little later...

"Hey i have to do some laundry. how does 630 or 7 sound"

"Sounds good - where are we going?"

"It kinda depends. Im working out the transportation. Dont worry, im sure that theyll have a kids menu wherever we go :)"

"haha so nice :P you make it hard for a girl to figure out what to wear..."

"You mean i get to play dress up"

"That depends on what you pick..."

"hahaha. Smarty :)"
"I try :)"

After some time..

"Hey dress casual ill pick you up at 7. Text me your address"
"XXXX. See you soon"

Right after we had confirmed, who should call me, but SassyFrass. She was going to a party thing and was looking for a date (basically) and figured, her words, "why don't I call Dasani?" I told her I already had plans, she said it would just be a couple hours, I said I was doing laundry, she was like "well no, it's ok, you don't have to" and I said "well if you're not going to press me, I'm not going to stretch myself" and that was about the end of it. I feel like this fortunate timing will make me seem more unavailable, and despite having a legitimate reason to not go, SassyFrass might take it personally and feel like I'm more of a prize to be sought after. Don't know where I'll go from here with that.

My housemate said i could borrow her car, I just had to walk to the place where she was hanging out and get it. On the way there I was so nervous. I had hung out with some guy friends a few minutes prior for a little bit to help calm me, it didn't really. I was having trouble smiling even. I ran into one of my female friends on the way and we had a conversation for a few minutes, where it was sohard for me to express myself. I felt a little better after that, and when I got to where the car was, I had the opportunity to joke around with the girls who live there and my housemate. I felt waaaaaay better. Note to self, maybe flirt with some girls who you're not going after before going on a date or meeting up with a girl. It put me into a good social mood and got rid of a lot of my nerves.

Got to LittleOne's house, she invited me in and intro'd me to her housemate and her housemate's boyfriend. They were watching a kung fu movie and I was like "holy shit I love this stuff" so we sat down and watched, I had everybody laughing with my commentary and pretty much felt powerful. We left and headed out to grab some pizza. In the car I got a little more nervous. Like not fidgety nervous, but it was hard to smile. Weird. Got pizza, sat down and chatted for probably 40 minutes or so. She had her legs crossed under the table, so I slid my leg up deliberately making contact with her leg, she left it there. I knew it was on. Actually, I knew it was on before we even met up, something about this girl just said to me I'd do fine throughout.

But man, I said some stupid shit. I guess this girl was forgiving as fuck, or maybe she thought the stuff coming out of my mouth was like me being like "whatever you might not be good enough for me" I have no idea. But I said some stupid shit, bottom line.

We walked the pizza to the car and I said I wanted to walk around a bit before we went back. I think she thought I was ending the date when we walked back "thank you for dinner, etc etc"

I put out my hand for her to hold it and we interlocked fingers, It was chilly out but I wanted to kiss her somewhere before we went anywhere else. We walked around and talked a little about relationships and such, old boyfriends/girlfriends, apparently she recently ended a four year relationship...wow. At a dark corner I turned her to me and said "I know this isn't super romantic, but can I kiss you." She said yes. We madeout on the corner and then I walked her back to the car, pulled her in and kissed her again, and we came back here.

Put a movie in, didn't watch it. She wouldn't go very far with me and I didn't want to push for sex, there really was no reason. She just doesn't trust me yet, and that's ok. When we first kissed it was very invested kissing, really good stuff. Back at my place it was kiss kiss kiss, no prolongued action if that makes sense.

I took her home, she gave me the tour, ending in her bedroom. We fooled around a little more, talked some more, I said some more stupid shit (seriously, wtf was I doing.), but she still seems to be really into me. I headed home after a bit. We're texting now. We'll see where it goes, it's weird, I don't feel like I'll lose her, but I don't feel like I've crossed the threshold either.

Goals by May '09

2008-09-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

Here is a list of the goals I'm going to accomplish by May of 2009.

1. Have a good, fruitful, and respectful social circle. That doesn't mean having people worship me, but I should be that guy who everybody loves to have around.

2. Have some connections downtown. Have some bouncer friends, maybe some bartenders or club owners, things like that.

3. 5+ numbers per week. This is a consistency thing. Maybe down the line I won't care to have so many numbers, but with 5+ people to practice phone game with, not to mention all the interactions leading up to the numbers, that mean's I'll be putting serious effort into getting better. Even if I was a master who couldn't fail to get a number ever (I know that's not possible) and stopped each day after getting one, that still means I'm socializing most days of the week.
4. Have pulled out of venue 10+ times. This does not just mean pulled home. It means a bounce to another venue, pulling home, etc.

5. 1-2 solid relationships. In my opinion, a person should partake at times in their life in an emotional relationship. Not a friendship, but like a girlfriend (though it doesn't have to be exclusive, but a legitimate emotional connection and a consistency). I've learned a ton by being involved in these, so it makes sense to have them on the list.

6. A consistent feeling of good nature/peace. I'm not talking about enlightenment here, and I don't mean being Mr. Positive all the time who cannot allow himself to experience something in the negative. Anger and frustration can be useful. It does mean being secure in myself, not walking around wondering what people think of me. Having my attention focused primarily outside myself. This ties into being a good teacher. A student can only understand a teacher when the teacher can understand himself. If I'm an emotional wreck, but have tight game, this will bleed into my life and affect my students (not necessarily of seduction, I am an aspiring school teacher). This is one of the most important items on the list, and also the hardest to define whether or not I've reached it.
7. Have gone out alone AND done well 10+ times. I don't want to become dependent on other people for practice, improvement, or even just enjoying myself. In joy in my self as Eckhart would say.
8. A solid day two ratio on the numbers I'm getting. I'd say 70%+ is a good ratio, meaning most of the numbers I get turn into solid dates.

9. Well defined sticking points. If I don't know where to go, how can I get there.

10. 15 new f closes, all who fit my new standard for who I will hook up with. If I lax and bang a girl who I don't really like because "it's a step above masturbation" it doesn't count toward this goal. This is about showing real sexual results for my effort. I'm not interested in going out a million nights in a row but never getting any return off it.

Naturalism and the Alpha Male

2008-09-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from Frank Norris' Mcteague which, thus far (50 pages in) is absolutely badass. It's a naturalist novel about a giant of a man who is living in San Fransisco some time during the 1800's.

McTeague is the protagonist, Marcus is his friend and cousin to the girl speaking. Apparently dating your cousin was OK back then.

***
If he had confined himself to merely speaking, as did Marcus, to pleading with her, to wooing her at a distance, forestalling her wishes, showing her little attentions, sending her boxes of candy, she could have easily withstood him. But he had only to take her in his arms, to crush down her struggle with his enormous strength, to subdue her, conquer her by sheer brute force, and she gave up in an instant.

But why -- why had she done so? Why did she feel the desire, the necessity of being conquered by a superior strength? Why did it please her? Why had it suddenly thrilled her from head to foot witha quick, terrifying gust of passion, the like of which she had never known? Never at his best had Marcus made her feel like that, and yet she had always thought she cared for Cousin mark more than for any one else.

When McTeague had all at once caught her in his huge arms, something had leaped to life in her-- something that had hitherto lain dormant, something strong and overpowering...
***

Thinking about that passage in terms of everything pickup is about...very interesting.

THIS is quality feedback

2008-09-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

'm about to go to bed and my phone rings. It's a text from SF.

"Its SassyFrass. Dude..."

>>>> Notice the little investment on her part....like, "Yo, tsup"

"Dude. We hit it all tonight...except home alone! Ahhh"

>>>> Are you waiting for her to text? Ok, it's subtle but look into the subtleties bc you're not seeing them. First off, your message is longer than hers...nothing wrong with that in itself, but you bring up a thread from earlier which implies you've been thinking about the earlier interaction more than she has. So the dymanic shifts here, from her chasing by saying "It's Sassy" to you subcommunicating "Yeah, I was up waiting for you to text, I was thinking about our interaction and I'm eager to talk." See it? I know it seems analytical, but this shit is subtle. Even if you weren't waiting for her to text, you just jump at the chance to keep the night going...too eager...a better reply "Yo" or "Tsup" or "Zzzzzzz...."

we had talked earlier that night about how funny the movie home alone is and how we should watch it, making our AHHHH faces like kevin mccalister.

>>>> Yeah, living the past, caring too much about interactions with girls you bearly know....dude, seriously who is this girl? Your wifey? Come on man, I barely remember what I did with girls 10 minutes ago...I'm like, "huh?" ...usually girls have to tell me that funny story they told me before or some other routine they made up...why? Cause I don't care enough, the interaction is not important enough for me to sweat it...let go of the inteaction no matter how fun, don't need it.

"I dont kno wat that means. but she def either got drunk or just blatantly developed a crush on me" "Did u walk to my house?"

>>>> See, she doesn't remember any of it...ha ha..."But baby, we were talking about home alone all night, remember Kevin? The "Ahhhh" face? Baby you said you'd remember" ha ha funny shit man."

Lol the movie, home alone. Yeah i walked. You mean Lesbian?"

>>>> Yeah, you're the girl...reminding her? Why do you care? Come on man.

"Yea. And yes we shall watch home alone. Im bummed im all alone..."

>>>> Watch out here, this is a "bait" trap...it's the validation seeking...it's late, if she wanted to fuck you she would have arranged logistics to make it happen...I know you don't think so, but trust me, when a girl really wants the dong, she does alot of the work or at least gives major hints, prior to you going home...after that it's her wanting validation, not cock. I would have ignored it.

"Driving Lesbian home woke me up a bit, youre obviously still awake. lets hang out"

>>>> Ok, this would not have been bad, had you not doubted yourself with later texts...still though, more often than not you will get shut down, you are chasing.

"Im in pjs in bed"

>>>> This doesn't mean anything to a masculine man...she's just saying "If you are a man, you will get me, if not you will fuck it up" Notice she never says no. A great reply since you are going this way say, "Yeah, that's good, I got cookies and milk." It doesn't have to make sense...once you comit to it go for it.

"Youd probably pass out before i got there, goober"

>>>> Now you're doubting it...like you want her to say, "No I won't" but she won't do that cause she knows if she says anything you'll definetly take it as a hint to bone.

"Aw u called me a goober!"

"Youre a goober. It follows. Im posting something on your facebook that will make you die laughing"

>>>> You change the subject and look weaker for it...either commit to going over full force or don't chase...it's either full on masuline power or chilling and letting her do more work.

"Ok. Im fallin asleep. Nite sweetie"

>>>> She cut it off, decided you didn't have what it takes...dude, think about it, she texted you either for validation or to see if you would plow that shit...do either two things...commit to going over and saying nonse as you do or just respond less and let her chase, you have to be congruent.

Missed it again.

>>>> You can take this as you wish, but I've fucked this up numerous times....like I said you can either plow it, "I have the cookies...the cookies!!! NO!!! They will go stale!! I'm half way to your house!!! Seriously, I'm almost there, where do you live? No stale cookies, I need to stick this milk in the fridge!!" Ha ha or just say one thing or two and end it....like, "Yo" and then "cool"THIS

***
So with the bait trap, this girl and I (this is my interpretation of why this is such good advice) had been flirting all night, and I had her chasing me, gave her my number, but we didn't arrange to fuck (basically). She texted me and then dropped that little piece so that she could say "well we didnt end up fucking, but I want to see if I could have at LEAST gotten him" and then I fell right into her trap and doubted myself. I gave her that little bit of validation and that was all she wanted, sure if I was right there she might have fucked me, but I wasn't so the validation that she could get me if she wanted was good enough. ERG

As to the remembering everything from the conversation...touche. This is SOLID fucking advice, given by Nilatak

updates and a minor irksomeness

2008-09-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

Today I was in a blah state, a step below neutral, my housemate was driving me to work and she mentions this one guy who always bitches about his life. Cool guy, but won't do shit to help himself. I started going off on how I was pissed and disappointed that he wouldn't do anything to help himself except to add depression meds on top of his alcoholism, snorting pills, and purchasing the validation of "friends."

I didn't realize I was so angry. I couldn't think of anything to talk about, and then we bit on something negative, and I devoured it. This bothers me. I think it's a symptom of something else I'm going to talk about.

I was at work, and it was slow so I got some food and sat next to this young looking girl on a bench, opened with "I'm borrowing some of your bench" gave her permission to speak by speaking. She was real shy at first, so i just kept talking. I was just entertaining myself. She opens up, we have a real good conversation, she is 16. Yes, that is a no. She comes by and does a survey for me, i had asked her earlier for a piece of gum, she didnt have any. On her way out, she nudges my elbow and hands me a small pack of gum. Thank you. God what a sweetheart. She said "Maybe I'll see you around?" I had to leave it at sure. As much as my body doesn't care that she's 16, the law does, and even somewhat my conscience.

What is bothering me a little is this nagging feeling that as far as I've come, I'm only learning to become a "cool friend" instead of a regular "guy friend." This is a big step, it really is. To have hot friends, and be totally normal with them. This is something that I feel like I lacked growing up, the ability to just be chill. But at the same time, I haven't had sex or hooked up, with somebody who I'm actually interested in seeing again, in far too long. It's starting to nag at me, especially since I got ljbf'd by FemmeFatale. It was like "really? this doesn't make sense." I thought neediness was a thing of my past, and wicked insecurity. But it's all there still, to some degree. The positive end being it comes out less frequently, less powerfully, and I do have moments where I'm almost entirely free of its grip.

I was at a small gathering and some girl comes up and says "hey aren't you JORDAN!?" I half turn to her, cock my head, consider, and reply "Yes." To those who don't know my name, here is a hint. It isn't Jordan. She gets all excited "oh my god, I have your number but I forgot all about what you looked like and how we met" and I say "oh my god youdon't remember our connection? I can't even believe you!" and push her away gently. She comes flying back, puts her arm aroundmy waste and starts caressing my side. If she was attractive I would have taken her someplace and fucked her then. As it was, if nobody was around, I probably would have laxed my standards for an easy blowjob. As of this writing, she still thinks I'm Jordan. God bless you buddy, whoever you are.

I was walking one of my girl-friend's home tonight, i'm sure i've given her a clever name but it's escaping me. Anyway, we were passing a party and I heard a familiar voice. Oh shit, it's SassyFrass! I had called her in the day to try to get a ride from her to work (compliance, plus time to bond), but she doesn't own a car. Weak. Anyway, I stopped my friend, walked up with a purpose and said "I thought I heard a childlike voice"
"Dasani! Oh my god thank you for saving me last night!" referring to Lesbian wanting to literally eat her up.
"oh yeah totally"
my guy friend:"I want one too!!" (a hug)
"sure man"
SF:"hey wait, I do not have a childlike voice!"

That's about all I remember from that, I ducked out to finish walking my friend home (it can be a dangerous neighborhood. I confess sometimes I catch myself wishing I would be attacked so that I could see if I could hold my own in a fight. I also feel like I've got a lot of pent up anger inside me recently, see above) but I met another girl real quick who kissed both my cheeks like she was french, my response "Oh i'm french too..not really."

Decided on the way home not to go see SassyFrass. The friend she was talking to is one of my natural buddies, and I totally diminish him when I'm around (despite his having great game when he's on), but I decided not to chance going in there and getting insecure. I don't even know if she is going to hook up with him, and if she does, whatever. Girls hook up, fucking get used to it. They're not angels and neither are you.

Missed it! again!!!!

2008-09-13T02:14:00.000-07:00

My buddy invited me out with him and his girlfriend, and their hottie friend (who looks nothing like that pictuere) who I've been into since the dawn of sophomore year. They prefunked, I decided not to really drink tonight. All headed out to MacFaddens, got in for free, bought one beer to break my 20 and give me bus money to get home.

Hit my groove when everybody was getting up to do something and the hottie, SassyFrass, says to me "you're on purse duty!" and tries to strand me, alone, at the table, holding her purse. Ehhh no. I tell her kindly, fuck that, I'll hold your purse but I'm not sitting here like a bitch, and I go and sit right down with two friendly guys. "but but, you're supposed to be guarding my purse!"
"I am. Get out of here..hey dude whats your name? Get out of here you're embarassing me in front of my new friends! Jeeze.." The girls who are with the guys, over at the bar getting drinks, turn around and laugh. I'm in with the dudes and they intro me to their girls. The tables have turned you little creature of the night.

Forgot to mention, SassyFrass just broke up with her boyfriend and was very bitter, looking to get fucked. Out on the prowl. I tell the guys I sat with this little tidbit while she's away getting another drink, and make SassyFrass sit down next to one of them when she gets back.

After this winning move, I felt better about the situation and my friends seemed to respect my social "skill." Noice. I told one of my funnier sex stories to my friend and his girlfriend to illustrate the point that when girls say they never would do something, it isn't always accurate. SassyFrass missed it and demands I tell it again. Later, remind me.

The night is fun, nothing major happens, but my friend and his girl are ducking out early, while SassyFrass' lesbian friend has shown up, and has a car. Logistics are working out a bit better, don't have to ride the bus. We bounce to a karaoke bar and hang out for awhile, the wait is too long to sing, so we bounce to a burger place and eat. I SassyFrass eats some of my burger and fries, I get verbal compliance from her saying she'll cook for me to make up for it, she throws down some qualifications that I obviously fit, and I tell her "whelp, I'm not smart." To which she assures me that I am. It was really funny to watch, the lesbian friend was checking out SassyFrass the whole time and pandering to all her qualifications and such, while I was busting on her gently and disqualifying myself. Though at one point I dropped exactly the right compliment, she said something abuot being insecure and I said something to the effect of "I wouldn't have seen it, you've got one of the most dominating personalities of anybody I know...Girls I mean, of any girls...it's like little league ;)" to which even the lesbian was like "oh my god that is so rare for a guy to acknowledge that, thats so amazing." SassyFrass is genuinely appreciative of this, she really earned it.

We're bouncing to another karaoke bar closer to home, in the ride SF says something about people thinking shes a slut, and how she doesnt care even if I think that, I tell her that the word slut doesn't exist, and there is nothing wrong with being comfortable with being sexual. Also that I only like the word as a term of endearment (cmere you little slut (= ) or when talking dirty. SF loves this, talks about how sometimes she wishes guys would just treat her like a dirty little naughty girl when she wants it. God, I want it. We sing Karaoke, Lesbian gets a bit drunk and just oggles SF, SF notices and gets a little uncomfortable. On the ride home (i'm the DD) SF says to me "OH by the way Dasani, I don't have your number...but i left my phone at home." I didn't want to ask for her number and put myself into the role of chasing her, especially when we go to the same school and I'll see her again. When we stop at her house, I pull out a pen and paper (thank you lesbian and your car) and give her my number. She leaves. I go drop off Lesbian and her car and walk home. I'm about to go to bed and my phone rings. It's a text from SF.

"Its SassyFrass. Dude..."

"Dude. We hit it all tonight...except home alone! Ahhh"

we had talked earlier that night about how funny the movie home alone is and how we should watch it, making our AHHHH faces like kevin mccalister.

"I dont kno wat that means. but she def either got drunk or just blatantly developed a crush on me" "Did u walk to my house?"

Lol the movie, home alone. Yeah i walked. You mean Lesbian?"

"Yea. And yes we shall watch home alone. Im bummed im all alone..."

"Driving Lesbian home woke me up a bit, youre obviously still awake. lets hang out"

"Im in pjs in bed"

"Youd probably pass out before i got there, goober"

"Aw u called me a goober!"

"Youre a goober. It follows. Im posting something on your facebook that will make you die laughing"

"Ok. Im fallin asleep. Nite sweetie"

ERRRRRGGG! I thought to myself, should I play a little hard to get? But then I thought, damn, the last time a girl was this ready to fuck I played hard to get and ruined shit. Fine, I'll throw it out there, something semi safe but still leading. Wasn't going to say "I'm gunna come over there and take you" though she might have liked that. And she turned down the offer. I tried to play it off a little like it wouldn't have worked out anyway, and my friend sent me this hilarious thing online at that moment, so I thought maybe if she looked at her facebook and laughed, it would wake her up and change her mind. No such luck.

I'm in the midst of a MasturFast. Use your english skills to figure out that one. Tonight will be rough on the challenge of sticking to it. Such a fucking cutie.

Musings

2008-09-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

Just some updates and things I've been pondering.

The other night I got LJBF'd by FemmeFatale. Very weird. Without going into too much detail, we had had a conversation where we really connected, it was genuinely scary how much we had in common. I hadn't felt a connection like that with somebody for awhile, I was actually INTERESTED in hearing about her pain. We ended up meeting up the next night at like 12:30am to go on a "walk." She was giving me poor body language, or at least no indications that she was into me, although the conversation was good. On the way back she says "Can I say something without us getting all weird and awkward?" I say sure, knowing whats coming. "This is all just as friends right?" I responded "No, I was going to bend you over that bench back there and fuck you. But seriously, I think you're a good girl and I've been trying to get to know you better. I don't go on late night walks with just friends."

This should have been the end of it, but I accidentally intrigued her about my views on sexuality and men and women being friends and such, we ended up talking for another two hours, basically postgaming the whole interaction with her while intermixing musings and philosophy. Weirdest thing ever, I said "blah blah, you're not attracted to me so it's not like I'm going to cry about it, theres not much I can do" and she says "no but I am! And we connect really well and it's scary how much we have in common...but I can't connect with guys who I sleep with, and I want to connect with you." Uhh, what? I won't pretend I understand everything she says, she identifies with being impossible to understand so she has a vested self interest in keeping me in the dark about who she is, but thats the crux of it. Normally I would say this is bullshit, but I DID talk to her for like two hours about it, if I got the vibe she was just being nice it would have come out. Weird.

Giving her permission to speak
Just going out on a limb, but I bet there are a lot of girls out there who want to talk, even open you/me but are too shy. They want permission to speak to you, which is what opening can be sometimes. I was sitting next to my cute friend in class, and this girl next to her (during our 15 minute break) was going over her notes and looking bored. I knocked on the desk near her, she lit up, and I said "So what's your story?" it was kinda funny because she acknowledged my question, then turns to my friend and just rattles off this story about how she's living in her old dorm room (my friend had left a note on the mirror). She had all that pent up, but was too shy to say anything until I gave her permission to speak by talking to her.

On emotions
I had an interesting little epiphany a little while back. I used to equate being in a good mood with being social. So if I was in a good mood, but found myself unable to talk to people, I would beat myself up and try desperately to get into a "social good mood." I realized I need to just chill out. Social = good, but good is not necessarily equal to social. I can feel contempletive and at peace and yet not want to talk to anybody. This is fine.

Ways to make her work
I really should compile a massive list of things for this, because it's a concept that needs to be engrained in my head. Getting a massage, having her bring an item to a meet up, asking qualifying questions and her giving good answers (with Femme Fatale, she was trying to set me up as the party connector in her life, so I said "what do you do besides party. I like 3d people" She was a little pissed that I would insinuate that she wasn't 3d, but she qualified HARD). Getting her to drive/pick me up, having her print something for me, have her write me a letter , etc.

"In what way, at this moment, is she working for me?"

Not that she needs to clock in when we're hanging out or anything...or even when we're not hanging out...how can I make her work for me even when I'm not around? Get her thinking about me and providing for me without me being there? Ahhh there is a concept..If I for example, were to set up a dinner date for us, but had her do all the cooking and set up for MY arrival, I would be leading/pursuing but still setting myself up as the one being pursued. Holy shit. Ponder this.

Finishing the thought I started before I had that flash of potential insight, not that she always has to be working for me forever and ever, but at least until I've crossed the threshold, and still sometimes after, consistent with what we've set up as our relationship.

Another good question I should ask myself when resolving the chase/chased issue is...

"Am I respecting myself?"

If she is giving me non-commital answers over text or in person, and I still pursue a meetup or try to push (keyword) the interaction in some way or another, I'm being needy and not respecting myself by seeing the situation for what it is. I'm giving away my power, and that is disrespectful.

FR: The Police

2008-09-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night we had a big party at my place. I had been planning on drinking, but as I started I just felt kind of...upset I suppose. I did what is my new comfort thing and went upstairs and read a few choice pages out of Eckhart. Still felt kinda shitty so I decided, "No feeling bad, tonight, I'm going to have a good time" went downstairs with a resolve to have fun, and I did. The power of decision is so incredible.

I had planned to invite every girl who might be into me and who I'm into to my party. Didn't work out exactly as planned. Party started "officially" at 9pm. By 10:30, both kegs were tapped, somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 people were milling around in and around my house, and campus police were at my door waiting for me. I was stoked. I went outside, fully ready to deal with the situation, because I knew it wasn't going to be a problem, and I knew I was the best, most qualified person to handle this situation (not to mention the only one living in the house who is 21). Talked to them, got it handled, they left...sort of. They came on a noise complaint, so I went in and told everybody to quiet down a little, and also that everybody under 21 needed to leave. It was kind of douchy, but at the same time it kicked ass being that guy who everybody was listening to. Most of them probably didn't even know I lived there, but I was THE authority.

Saw campus police waiting around the corner talking to the ACTUAL police, people started getting spooked. I walked over. Somebody tried to talk to me and I just silenced them and kept going. Off behind me, there is a deck full of hottie onlookers. From my perspective, I was just asking if there was a problem because I saw the real police, they said no, we talked a little, and they left. From the perspective of everybody watching, I walked over, talked, and then campus police left. It had looked like I had made them leave.

As I walked back I was approached by a number of people. An awed in the face girl I've got a crush on called to me, a number of others, and then one of my friends came up and said "Dude! Dasani! When did you become such a badass!?" It was awesome.

I finished kicking out the rest of the people (they would have filtered out anyway when they figured out the kegs were dry) and then went to another supposed party. False alarm. FemmeFatale was one of the girls I had invited, but she was a late comer and missed the whole party, we had been texting and calling eachother. Earlier in the day she had texted me, the whole time sounding like she wanted me to say something like "well how about we meet up" but I wasn't going to fall for that trap again. I decided, there is no reason to push for a meetup, I'm going to see her at the party anyway.

Well we ended up meeting and hanging out with some of my friends. I was so out of state by this point it was hard to function, but it ended up being pretty fun anyway. I had her walk me to the door out of the building, got a good hug this time, and left. She said something to the effect of "I'm really not a slut!" because of some of the conversations we had been having (she talked about how she doesnt do relationships...she and I should really talk more). So maybe all this wait and annoyance is her worrying she'll be too easy. Girls man.

Attempting To Resolve The Chase VS Chased Issue

2008-09-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

To me this is one of the hardest concepts in pickup, and yet it's one of the most fundamental. I cannot yet resolve how to be the "prize" or "chased" or the "highest value" or whatever other names there are for it, and yet still get the girl in a timely and efficient way, that doesn't fully leave the whole ordeal in her hands.

This is the challenge I am setting forth today to help resolve within myself, and hopefully find a meaningful way to communicate it to other guys who are in my situation.

The Understood
Getting a girl to chase in the short term is not all that difficult. I have not mastered it by far, but it is the essence of attraction, qualification, and investment. Using my body to display disinterest by turning or looking away, doing takeaways, disqualifying her and myself, etc. In the moment, when the two of us are together, I have been in the situation, many many times, where I am the Prize to be won, where she is actively chasing me. However, if I can't close the deal or "cross the threshold" in my mind (where the switch in my head flips, and I fully believe that she is mine, usually happens for me after sex, sometimes after the first kiss, even other moments) during that portion of the interaction, I often times lose her to follow-up game because...

The Difficulties
Followup game is inherently chasing. I take her number, and now the ball is in my court, but I often find myself chasing too hard or even if I get a meetup, it is soft and not decisive. There are schools of thought (Nautilus and RightHandMan for example) that say "never, ever chase" which includes asking for numbers. You can give yours out, but you don't ever ask for theirs. This makes a lot of sense to me, and I can see it working for sure, I've actually had it work with girls that I wasn't super interested in or who I legitimately didn't have the time for. It operates off abundance.

Even when I'm with a girl, or I've crossed the threshold, often times I'm still the one who most often calls or texts. This is not where I want to be.

The Challenge
Ultimately, my challenge is this. To resolve in my head the conflict between being the prize, the pursued, the chased, and still being the one leading the relationship where I want it to go. To not place the responsibility for MY SUCCESS entirely on her shoulder or mine.

That isn't to say I'm opposed to her chasing me so hard that she asks my number, she gets us to meet up, and she makes it sexual or intimate (Nautilus and RHM style), however that is too far off to one end for me to deal with right now. It puts too much of the "responsibility" on her, and from my current mindset and life situation (perhaps I will change my mind when I am living in abundance), this is unacceptable. I don't want the ego boost of saying "oh she asked for my number but she didn't try hard enough to meet up, oh well, next girl." Theoretically I can see all that is wrong with not wanting that mindset in terms of pickup psychology and dogma. Of course I don't want to give one girl more value than others, and I don't want to be fearing losing her either, but at the same time, I don't want MY SUCCESS to be dependent entirely on her. Some girls just won't chase that hard, some girls have self esteem issues and even if they want to chase they won't because they think I'm too awesome for them and they fear my rejection. I want to be the man for these girls who aren't going to fall into the net of me never chasing, and I already know from massive experience that being the guy who is too available and always making things too easy doesn't work.

I want to be somewhere in the middle, even off to the being chased side a bit.

FR: Water Helps My Game

2008-08-31T01:39:00.000-07:00

It really does.

I was in a not so social mood, imagining the future with me having nothing to say to the people I went out to talk with, so I picked up The Power of Now and read the section called "wherever you are, be there totally." As I read I felt a sense of peace come over me, and decided to just let the night happen as it would.

I met up with some friends at a house, just hanging out. This cutie I know came up and said hi, I told her she had to come sit down, she was too tall to talk to from where I was, then grabbed her hand and moved her next to me. She directed all her focus on me, but I just was too chill to have much to say. She moved on, it was fine. I consulted with Millenium on if he thought I should text FemmeFatale, he said yes, so I did, "Hey what are you up to". We headed out to the party. I was also in contact with Shoegirl, and we texted our logistics to eachother throughout the night.

I decided I wasn't going to drink tonight, so I grabbed a keg cup and filled it with water. Hung out with my buddies around the hookah, busted on this girl a little for the face she made while trying to blow smoke rings, also got some advice from her on what to do about FemmeFatale. Saw another cutie from one of my classes, she came over and sat with me, gave me great body language and attention, Shygirl. She's a sweetheart and I love talking with her. Gunna slow burn on this one. My friends all left and it was just me and one more, he didn't want the host to see him leave on her birthday, so he snuck out while I went to say goodbye. In looking for her I got grabbed by this hottie I know who just starts grinding on me like a pole. She almost knocked me over and I actually kissed her chin out of reflex it was so sexual.

I got approached by a two set who asked if I remembered them, the hottie came over and said "oh hey! these are my friends!" I said to introduce me, and she did, one of the two girls had her hand on my shoulder the whole time so I pulled her into me as I kept talking to the other girl. The first girl starts talking, gives me the look like she wants to be kissed, so I kissed her on her nose, made like I was going to leave, came back in and we kissed on the lips. I wasn't attracted to her really, at least not in the sense of my new standard for hooking up (I won't hook up with any girl I don't want to make feel good), so I pulled away and kept on my search. Met another hottie. Realized I was in state and about to leave the party. Lame.

Headed out to my friends house, meet my friend at another party along the way, this girl hes talking to is being sassy, so I take her drink, set it on the ground, then pick her up and she wraps her legs around me and arches her back. We try to bring her to my friends house but its a no go. We head over, I decide I'm hungry and we're gunna get some food, there is a girl skulking in the shadows, I say this loudly. She comes out and identifies herself, she is cute. My friend knows her and starts saying shit about how she doesn't put out. The girl gets all defensive so I cut in, "Oh so you DO put out!" She laughs, I am in. We tell her what we're doing, my friend asks her to come, I tell her to just get in the car. She complies. Her name will be Raccoongirl. Her friend comes out of the house, Ice-eyes, I tell her to get in the car and join us. She complies. I wish my friend wasn't drunk and high, it would have been cool for me to be able to explain all this to him. We go get food, I make a comment about ice-eyes looking like she's crushing cubes of ice with her eyes when she makes this face (no idea why) and she giggles. Raccoongirl is looking at me from behind the headrest and I can only see her eyes, hence her name, she looked like a raccoon. I tell the girls they better promise to pay me back because I never get paid back when I pay with my card, they promise very firmly.

We get back, the girls invite me to go to a gay club with them. I am down. I am also interested in hooking up with one or both of them. They pay me and I get a 50 cent tip (also a two dollar bill!). I eat, one of them gets a text and they decide they'd rather go to whatever it was, I'm cool with this as I was still in contact with Shoegirl. They both number close me so that we can all go out to the club sometime. Maybe they'll get antsy and want something else. I decide I like being pursued.

I go to meet Shoegirl, she's cute as a button, we end up walking in a group to absolutely nowhere, but lo and behold, after like two hours of silence, FemmeFatale texts me back. During the text conversation I separate from the group, I was more interested in FemmeFatale.
"Who is this?"
"Oh hey. Its Dasani"
"Hey! Whatsup? Whatre you up to!?"
"Looking for my next move. What are you doing"
"Nothing... I just took kristen back to the dorm cause she was fucked up beyond belief(again). Whats your next move?"
"Id like to make it our move. Where are you"
"I'm at [dorm]"
"My old dorm! I gotta grab something, meet you there in 20, k"
"Meet you where...?"
"Ill come to [dorm], text when I'm there"
"I think I may be in for the night actually...& my rooms tiny with 2 other people so I don't know how well that would work out."
"Oh for sure. I want to walk. grab a sweatshirt, its a lil cold"

I left my house at this point and it took her like 5 minutes to respond when previously it was instantaneous, I decided to say something to make it seem less pushy and more like I wasn't worried about it.

"Hey there is no rush, Id like to see you but its not a huge deal"
"Wait what im confused! Where are you?"
"Im heading to [dorm]. So it would be good to know if I should turn around :)"
"Like I dont have anywhere to kick it though cuz my friends in my room hella drunk! & its bad" "I'm almost there. Just meet me in the lounge and we can go from there"
"K can i change into sweats or something 1st"
"Lol no! What floor"

I call her and we decide to meet in the lounge. She almost doesnt acknowledge me when I get there (I was mellowing out at this point, no more burning coal of state), but I made her stand up and hug me. I met the people she was talking to and we went on a little search for her mystery person, I don't care to explain it was retarded. I ended up just following her around, I try to get back to her room and she doesnt want to because of her roommate, I try to get her to go for a walk with me and she doesnt want to, she decides to go to bed, but keeps asking me what I'm doing afterward. I was going to go to bed and I didn't feel like lying, I should have said a party because she probably would have been down. She kept saying she didnt want to go anywhere because she didnt want to do anything "bad." Lol, wtf. We end up parting, I have her walk me to the door, we hug, a quick crappy hug, and she walks off. I was annoyed and a little upset by this at first, but it was kinda the same way when we parted last night, except I was more in control then. No biggy, I'll call her soon, it's still on.

I got a ride home from the campus police. Rad. They're bored and don't mind being used as a taxi service. Saved me 10 minutes of walking.

FR: Femme Fatale Friday Night

2008-08-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

Second night in a row drinking. Not going to make a habit out of this. I'm taking some time off of that thing they call booze.

This is graphic.

Went over to my buddies house. Started out real chill, ended up MASSIVE, somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 or 50 people. Wow. I did a lot of socializing, saw a girl, Shoegirl, who I hadn't seen in a long time and last time I did she had a boyfriend. She knows what I'm about and we exchanged numbers. Met a lot of really attractive young ladies, hung out with the guys, it was good.

The majority of this will focus on FemmeFatale. I just like the sound of that as her name, she's got a unique real one so it works out. When I started talking to her it was clear it was on from the start, she asked my name and I feigned a little "i dunno if I want to get to know you yet" kind of vibe and we started flirting. Exchanged names, I said something about fucking with people, and she said "I don't fuck with people, but I fuck." Cue sexual tension. I said something about how she was earning points but she could still mess up. We kept seeing eachother throughout the night, and I made sure not to just focus on her exclusively, it was still early and that's needy anyway. At one point on the dancefloor, we were talking about god knows what, but just had lazer eyes and got closer and closer and closer. When the kiss was ready, I pulled away and walked off the dancefloor. Nothing wrong with a little mixed signal.

I had to take a buddy of mine to another party, so I recruited a couple guys to stick around and make sure she didn't leave with anybody, "tell her you want to dance if she tries to leave and pull her back!" Got my friend to his party, right next to my place, so I ran in and grabbed condoms just in case. Got back to my party

FemmeFatale is still there, I give her a little space at first and mingle, then I swoop in when she's with a couple guys. "Dasani."
"FemmeFatale."
talking about what I don't even remember, we close in and kiss, I pull away and tell her I don't make out at parties. She says she doesn't either, and says "You're gunna fuck one of these girls here tonight right? Here, take my number. Get some action and give me a call soon, I'll still be ready." That really doesn't convey what she said or the vibe she projected, it was like she was saying "You and I are more important, but lets let this simmer awhile, so go get your rocks off so that you and I can be more ready to tear eachother apart." In almost a commanding tone. It could be insecurity, I just didn't feel that vibe. But then, I was a little drunk. We'll see. So I got her number and said "I want to talk to you, come with me." And walked her out the front.

There was a dude out there where I was going to take her, so I walked her a bit further, she asks where we're going, I ask where she lives, she doesn't tell me and asks how far my place is, I say a couple blocks (more like 7-8), she says she can't leave her roommate behind at the house, we end up pulling off the sidewalk, pushing her against a fence and making out. She turns me so my back is to the fence and does this thing, that for a moment I was forcibly reminded of Spiderman...if Spiderman were a porno. She grabs the fence behind my head, and puts her feet up on the lowest cross bar of it, then sort of suspends herself in front of me while grinding on me HARD and forcing her mouth into mine. She turns and see's a group of people watching us, "I think they're watching us!"
"Yeah, I bet you like it a little"
"Do you like it?"
"...maybe a little"
"I'm not going to keep going for just a little"
"Alright, I like you a lot"

I don't know why I said you, and not it, but I did. After a minute or so more, I grab her (it was hard as fuck to escape her little cage of grinding) and move her behind some houses into an alley way thing. Shove her against a wall, she's got her leg up almost on my shoulder, grinding eachother, I pull her boob out and start sucking on it. She says something to the effect of "What you want to happen tonight, is not going to happen, get back in there and fuck one of those other girls, you already have me." Damn girl, you had ME at "I fuck." This girl is giving me a total player vibe and I dig the fuck out of it.

She rides me on this little block thing, and we almost knock it over with her arching her back so hard. Lol, it was tantamount to theatrical, but I loved it! I lay her down on the block and she pulls her shirt up over her boobs, after a little while we stand up and I pull her in from behind and start undoing her pants, I'm fully ready to take this girl behind this damn house. She lets me undo her pants but when I reach in she stops me, firmly. I'm ok with this and decide to go along with her plan. We part and I headed back in.

Didn't end up meeting anybody else real promising that night, though I was very attracted to this one girl, PinkDress. She digs me but has a boyfriend...hmmm...

FR: First Thirsty Thursday

2008-08-29T08:55:00.001-07:00

I met up with a buddy of mine to go to my first ever thirsty thursday at the T Room. It's where all the over 21 students congregate at this divebar near campus on thursday. Just planning for a chill night drinking with my friends, we drank at his place with his girlfriend then headed out.

We got there early, just chilled, drank some more, then the music came on and people streamed in like knocking the bottom out of a keg. I saw some old friends who didn't know I was 21 yet and it was tons of fun just being social and hanging out. Pulled one girl into our table cuz she was sitting alone, introd her to my friend and ducked out. The douchebag from work, featured in my FR about work, showed up, turns out he knows my friend, and he sat in my seat when i went to the bathroom, i greeted him warmly when i got back and asked for my seat back. He wouldn't move. Eventually he did. Next time I'll be over the top gay, sit on his lap, and touch him uncomfortably.

Then the girl from my fr: I can't find the trigger, showed up. We hugged and parted. Later I saw her sitting and talking to some dude so I said to my female friend "I'm stealing her in 10...9...8..." and she finished the countdown with me, then i grabbed my girl and whisked her to the dancefloor. She was pulling me close and reaching back behind my head, so I kissed her on the kneck, then ended the dance and went back to my friends. She came over later and covered my eyes "guess who" style, I didn't guess by asking, I used my hands. I reached up her sides, felt the beginning curve to her breasts, decided not to grab them, traced her legs down and found the bottom of her skirt. Assessment? Female. She let go and I turned and pulled her into my lap, then lifted her and carried her onto the dancefloor. We danced some more, I bit her kneck this time and said "Look I have to stop dancing with you like this or I'm going to do something I shouldn't..." and walked off.

Some girls tried to get into the guys bathroom, I didnt care so I shoved them in, the bouncer came over and kicked me out, but was cool about it. Ordahs is ordahs. I said goodbye to my friends and thought of a brilliant plan. Pull my girl home (Dancegirl). I grab Dancegirl and start for the door, telling her i'll tell her when i get there what I'm doing. I go outside with her and tell her what happened, she says "OH well I was ready to leave anyway if you'll walk me home" I said yes, she went in to say goodbye to her friends. The bouncer came out to say no hard feelings, I said it was totally cool because he probably just helped me pull this girl, he was stoked, we clasped hands and he said I owe him a beer. Lol, whatever.

I walk Dancegirl home, have to pee like crazy so that was going to be my excuse for going in, and we chat the whole way. Not emotionally charged conversation, but entertaining. We get there and she says "you can come in and see my room" I'm thinking, seriously, I don't even need an excuse but I do have to pee. So I go, then she gives me the tour. She's not making it obvious that she wants me though. Strange. I go in for the kill, picking her up and laying her out on her awesome bed, and she gently says no, but firmly pushes me away. I leave shortly after, I hug her and pull her in and steal a kiss as I sing "always gotta steal my kisses from you!" as I walk out the door, smiling and laughing. She texts me later and says "Not so cool." No idea what that meant so I texted back "I don't get it, something you wanted to say" no response, before I went to bed I texted "guess not. Night" Second near pull in so many weeks. Oooooo!!!!!!

Say YES to Sexual Tension

2008-08-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

I was rereading "How to Meet and Connect With Women" for the millionth time, and some things really stuck out at me. In particular, the idea of creating sexual tension.

I've been hooking up with girls in the past 8-9 months or so who I don't really care about, and in doing so I fullfilled every single point on Wayne's list of "sexually obsessed" characteristics, vs sexual tension characteristics. Then I blame the girl for not being good enough for me and us not having any chemistry!

He writes:
Sexual Obsession
-one-sided
-wanting sex
-your desire
-the goal
-hurried
-the situation
-orgasm

So I'll break down one of my lightning quick movie closes. Last semester, this girl I knew was kinda into me. I was into her, but not interested in making her feel good. This is one sided. I wanted to hook up with her. This is wanting sex and my desire. I had a goal with her in that I would get her alone and then push for sex. We started making out during the opening credits of the movie, thats a little hurried. We're watching a movie, that's an isolated situation ideal for escalation (not saying it's bad) but thats what it was for, not for building tension between us, at least the way I used it. Ultimately, all I wanted to do was get off and put another notch on my belt. I wanted sex, I didn't want her. She was just the means to the end.

I hit every line on the sexual obsession list. It comes down to, I think, just wanting to get off. This makes it very goal oriented and mechanical. I'm not going to shove her up against a tree and rail her with people 50 feet away from us if I just want to get off, that's something I'd do if I wanted us to be genuinely EXCITED!

So heres the sexual tension list
Sexual Tension
-two-sided
-wanting her
-both your desires
-the process
-prolonged
-flirting
-foreplay

Lets break down the last solid relationship I had. On our date I took her hand because I wanted her, and I would spin her around and into me, as if I was going to kiss her, then look over her shoulder for our car. I was interested in creating a two sided chemistry, on my end I was enjoying toying with her and putting off the kiss until I was good and ready, and on her end it built the tension of wondering when I would actually do it. When it came to the night where we were going to have sex, it was the most mutual, natural thing. I knew before I got to her house that we were going to have sex, I wasn't worried about making it happen, so I enjoyed the process of having a few drinks, dancing with her, laughing a little, flirting and tossing her little self around, until I hit the point where I was ready. "If I took your hand and led you upstairs, would you follow?" She only thought for a moment before nodding vigorously. We did, she locked the door, and we started fooling around. Every time I tell this story, in my journal or to a friend, I use the words "I took my time with her, I wasn't in a hurry, I knew it was going to happen" I prolonged the foreplay and I enjoyed the process. When it came time to have sex, we were both totally ready, she got the condom, put it on me, and even started on top. That had never happened for me with a girl prior to her.

That's fucking sexual tension. "I'm gunna take my time with this one" in a deep gutteral sexy man-voice should be my internal dialogue with a girl I'm genuinely interested in.

Weekends and the first day of school

2008-08-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Little update.

Last saturday was a big sporting event and the last official party night before school started so I hung around campus. Caught up with some old friends, made a few new contacts. Went to see one of my RA friends (the redhead from FR Positive state) but she wasnt there, so I used it as an opportunity to meet some of her residents, six of em were all hanging out in a room, very cute. I was way high energy, too high energy, I should focus on chilling out. But they enjoyed me, and I ended up finding my friend. I told those girls to tell her when they saw her that she was in big trouble. Found out last night that they did a very good job.

That whole day I was in a very fluxuating state. I was so chill but comfortable, but didn't have naything to say up until I was sitting here, about to call it a night, then decided not to give into my emotions, turned on some power music, made the decision to feel better, and walked outside, in a more powerful state. Met a girl, MontyPython, had a great interaction on the way to where she was going, probably 5 or so minutes, don't know why I didn't go for her number, she was definitely into me. Sometimes I forgot about tossing in a little intent.

After the dorm it was to a party, where I was having fun but didnt want to drink to fix my state, a very cute girl from the days of yore was very flirty but I just didn't know how to deal with it. F neutrality. I had one beer before the point before, where I decided to change my state, and the lingering affect of that beer was with me the rest of the night, it's like my body molded my state out of that tiny buzz. Man, being drunk. It's like having a warm cloroform cloth pressed over your brain. I prefer just being happy, although being drunk with a girl I'm really comfortable with leads to some hilarious and amazing sex, and being drunk with the guys can just be awesome.

I ended up getting out of state again and called it an early night.

Yesterday was the first day of school, I was stoked to be there. I was a little too eager to make an impression once I got to class though. (forgot, on the way to class I met some girl who thought I was one of her residents, ended up walking with her all the way to her place, nice but not my type). So I was a little fidgity and nervous, but excited. I eventually chilled out and hit my groove in my next class. But that was the end of it. No more class. Hung out with a buddy of mine who I hadn't seen in awhile, hung out with the roommate, went and chilled with friends and talked a little game and girls and such. It was a solid night.

More class today. My goal is to get a number of a hottie who could be a gatekeeper to more. I want more hot female friends, gotta turn my school into a veritable farm where I take the time to plant the seeds, then reap the crop when it's good and ready.

Sidenote: Fill in more gaps to the subgoals of your overall goal, so you've got a clearly defined path the the large goal9 months from now.

FR: VIP

2008-08-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

Last night was my VIP night at McFaddens. No cover for me and anybody who says my name at the door. Good times. It was also their mardigras night.

Pineapple came and picked me up along with a buddy of mine and we headed downtown, took a stop at the boiler room. I always have fun at this place, and my best set of the night, where I worked hardest on the things I set out to try. This girl, Xena, tries to get by me, and says excuse me, I replied "You're not excused" and we started talking. I don't remember all of what she said or me for that matter, but some highlights: I worked on doing mini takeaways like she was losing my attention and had to grab it back, by suddenly looking around the room, or when I got a text message I took the time to read and reply to it. I don't think I really had a method to what I was doing, but it seemed to be working. At one point she asked me to take part in something with her, I thought she said a "covert Op" and I said I was stoked, and we needed callsigns. I told her mine would be Dasani (original right) and she decided hers would be Xena Warrior Princess. I tried to get her to do the eiyeiyeiyeiey thing that Xena does, but she didn't. We parted ways after a respectable interaction, I worked in a bunch of mini takeaways and did my best to hold back on the kino and use my body language not to display full interest by turning away slightly when I wouldn't get compliance.

I grabbed her whole groups attention on my way out and invited them all to come to my VIP event, all they had to do to get in for free was say my name at the door. They were all stoked, and I told the guy next to me my name, Xena perked up "wait, whats your name!"

On the way to Mcfaddens I yelled across the street at a hot two set to come join McFaddens, they just needed my name. they asked for it and said later, I said no.

Got inside, moved around, met up with several of the guys from the lair though I really only spent time with D and Pineapple. I didn't have very many committed sets tonight, I felt like I'd trained myself to be a 15 second champ. I'd go in, throw some stuff out, and be out. I'm not really picking my sets either. I have GREAT situational abilities, and can often run great sets off of totally random things (for instance, I touched hands with a girl on accident as we ended up walking together, and turned to her and said "well I guess we can hold hands" and grabbed her hand and walked with her the next 10 feet), however picking a set and going in with an opener often befuddles me. I'm thinking too hard, I realized on my way home that I didn't even think to use standard openers that I use to get warmed up, things like where is the bathroom, what other clubs are good around here, how long until I can sing karaoke, etc.

I did a little winging where I helped one of the guys from the lair get some good time in his two set, interrupted by a guy, by complimenting him on his jeans and having a whole conversation about jeans. I pawned him onto some other girls who were part of his group, and moved in to occupy the obstacle of the other PUA, talking to her about button down fly's on jeans. She said they were sexy, I mock got on my knees and 'undid' her fly to show her about going down on guys. I was qualifying her on going down on me within a minute of talking to her. "We wouldn't get along"
"why!?"
"because you just said you'd never go down on a guy and that's crucial for me!"
"I have a fiance! THATS why I can't go down on you!"

There was some dude who was coming on STRONG to this group who looked like they didn't want him there, I waited for 30 seconds or so and decided to do something about it. I walked in and started talking to him about his shirt, then the hottie perks up and says "I picked it out!" turns out they were together, maybe having a fight, not sure, but the blond, MILF, turns and starts talking to me and I pulled her in and out of the group, back into a locked in position against a pole. She starts just firing questions at me rapid fire, I stop her at one point and have her tell me something about herself, and I wish I had the exact response but it was something to the effect of "I'm a successful investment broker for a top company here in portland, that guy you were talking to is my employee, I work out, money money money" She was 35 and very sexy for her age, great body, I told her this, another minute or so into the conversation she says blah blah well you're hot, blah blah, I thanked her for the compliment and moved to isolate her in the outside area "hey I havent been outside yet, have you? lets check it out" she is compliant, then the former hottie comes in and becomes the cock block from hell "No, no sorry, she's coming with me, goodbye." In a very commanding, almost annoyed tone, and pulls MILF away from me. MILF pulls my head in close and says "I'll come find you in half an hour."

Well I couldn't leave it up to chance, it was too much of an opportunity to just ignore, so I moved around a bit, came back, and pulled her away from her group discretely. Actually not really, I had a great move in mind, but what happened was I tripped on my way to grab her, wrapped my arms around her to keep myself from falling, turned her in a 180 away from the guys talking to her and pulled her away. She had in the meantime been clawing in and flirting with about every guy who went by, this woman wanted to get FUCKED. According to her, her brother and friend were both there, and very protective "which is why [she] doesn't date" I had her give me her number, she did. I moved off.

Later, the other PUAs pushed me into grabbing her and going for the pull, the problem being transportation, though I was considering a cab. When the time came I pounced, just grabbed her hand and pulled her through the crowd to the outside area. She was very compliant, but she never squeezed or held tight with her hand, I found this odd. We got outside and danced together for a moment and I tried a Ratisse primer, "MILF you better stop dancing with me like this...Otherwise I'm going to end up taking you outside and pulling you home." she replied "That might not be so bad."
"Well lets go get stamped for reentry, and go around the corner for a bite, I know a place, we can come back in later"
"OK, I like your style, Dasani"

I took her hand (same hand pressure) and walked her through the crowd, but then there was a massive people road block that I couldn't get through. She said she saw her brother waving her back over and had to go. I smelled bs but I couldn't see to find out, and it didn't matter anyway.

I met up with the other guys and headed out.

It's important to note that the entire night I varied between a positive energetic state where I was saying things like "TELL MY FRIEND HOW HOTT HE IS, RIGHT NOW!" to which the girl laughed hard, but still cringed in literal fear as I screamed this out over and over (I had a girl do this to me once when she picked up the phone of a girl i was calling while my girl was in the bathroom, she was drunk, i wasn't), and relative neutrality, where nothing effected me positively or negatively.

I find it difficult to work in that neutral state, being interested in who I'm talking to or what is coming out of my mouth becomes a challenge. The trade off is that bad things don't usually effect me very hard if at all, though it's hard to find the motivation to try ballsy things or go for "harder" sets when I'm in that state. Even when that MILF told me I was hott, and I was within inches of pulling her out, I felt no state change, positive or negative. I was just stuck in neutral.

Some miscellaneous things I learned:
*Guys are incredibly easy to win over. A friendly word, a high five, and maybe a compliment, and they suddenly become my best bud and ask me my name.
*Getting guys out of the way technique (learned this awhile ago and forgot to write about it). When I'm in a good positive state, projecting and smiling, I make eye contact with the guy in front of me, then flick my head back, the acknowledgement flick. He flicks it back and moves aside. Simple as that. It works almost too well.

I swear I learned more than that...

Work on:
*Takeaways/attention/the kino involved with these
*Picking my set and opening, rather than letting the set pick me with perfect opening logistics. Gotta just push through that small amount of fear, remember, a year ago you could never have gone out and actually had a good time at your night out and talked with so many strangers(and despite the oppressive neutral emotion, I did have a good time).

Talks with the Millenium and a long time cumming

2008-08-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight when I go out, I'll work on takeaways. Something Millenium does much better than I do is maintain his status as the prize and the person being chased. My current style of game is to just barge in like a dumb ox and eject before I lose my value. I realized that I don't leave room for the other party to chase. We talked about all things game related, but here are some highlights.

-Female sexuality- I still have trouble seeing girls as sexual creatures even though I have MOUNTAINS of evidence from my own experience and outside sources to support that they are. The reason being related to my issues with being the prize. I don't see girls making the effort that I do to get laid, and thus in my own head it makes sense that they are not actually very sexual, even though once they are sexual they are voracious. However, I am operating from a scarcity mindset, and girls are culturally and socially conditioned to operate from an abundance mindset when it comes to dating. They are the ones being courted in their mind (which is why it's so effective and "different" when a guy sets up the frame that she has to win HIM over). Their sexual fantasies and desires involve the place and the mood and what happened before it and what is being worn, etc etc. Whereas a guy's (or at least mine and Millenium's) fantasies are fairly standard; all things sexual in a location, usually the bedroom. Sure I fantasize about how I'd like to do it or how she's sounding or how it feels, but beyond that, not a lot. She takes care of the full picture when she fantasizes. This is because she can get the nuts and bolts whenever or wherever she wants, so the experience of those nuts and bolts becomes more important than the nuts and bolts in and of themselves. I made sense of this with a wealth analogy. When I don't have a lot of money, I think "a lot of money would be great! I could buy shit and travel" but if I had millions, I'd be thinking more along the lines of "I can really play with this investment, and I'd like to start a realestate empire by buying and selling houses, also I want to donate to charity, change up my wardrobe, and pay a sherpa to take me to the top of everest" the experience and uses become more important than the actual money.

-Mindsets of value- When I talked about texting to V, Millenium saw it in a numerical fashion. I had called twice and gotten no answer, and had texted like4-5 times to her 3-4. In his mind, I was lower value because I had spent more effort. In my mind, I saw it more time based. I texted her after I first met her, she responded, I told her I was going to call and I did, she didn't answer. I called again a couple days later, she didn't answer, but texted that she was out of town. Instead of trying to get her on the phone, I waited till I left town and returned again. I texted and she texted back immediately, and then I invited her to my VIP and she said she would come. I also got her facebook and myspace. I saw it as me not being needy, and noticed that she responded promptly to all of my attempts to contacther, even after a full week and a half of no contact she responed to my text immediately. I also saw us as parting on equal planes of value. I had approached direct and she was into it and I got her number. I made her understand that I thought she was cute, but wanted to get to know her first. This whole thing has been totally normal, all I'm doing is structuring the opportunity for us to spend some time together. Millenium sees it as me chasing too hard, but the way we parted, what other way can I play it. I see it as us handling the logistics to our hooking up. Either way I got a lot out of what MIllenium said, and I'll be implementing some.

Tonight: The goal for tonight is to leave room for the other party to chase and express themselves. I also want to incorporate mini takeaways into my interactions during the beginning phases. I will focus on rewarding with things like my touch and attention, rather than giving them fully. I understand this will take time to make natural and to work and will not beat myself up if I don't master it in a night.

A Long Time Cumming
Last night I hung out with a long time friend. We've always had some chemistry, but the times where I've felt it strong enough to make a move, she has been unavailable. She is the one girl who I have been able to express myself fully around before having had sex or crossed the threshold of "She's mine." Which is a challenge I'm dealing with. I literally go into state when I'm in her presence most times, I'm just so comfortable with her. She invited me out to dinner, and I had been fantasizing about her over the summer, so I decided that I wasn't going to make hooking up a non option because of her boyfriend. She confessed to me over dinner that she had cheated on him while away, and I felt a twinge of something though I attempted not to register it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom after a respectable interval so that I could analyze the emotion. I know thats contrary to Tolle wisdom, but for now it helps me a lot. I discovered I was jealous that I wasn't the guy she had hooked up with.

We left dinner and went out to rent a movie. On the car ride I brought up the thing about my brother and my limiting belief. It ended up being a solid vulnerability story, though that was not my intention when I started talking to her. She confessed that she has that same feeling of unnattractiveness about herself, and we explored this somewhat. We brought the movie back here, put it in, and I plopped myself down right next to her, our bodies touching by proximity. This was always my test during the school year, I can't believe I forgot it, to see if she readjusted and moved further away (I got deadly fast at it during the year too), and if not, to make things sexual. I waited about half the movie, allowing anxiety to build in me, unsure if I was going to risk making the move and changing our friendship. It was then that I asked myself a crucial question...

"If I don't make a move, am I comfortable with still being friends with a sexual desire and longing lingering behind our 'friendship'?"

The answer was no. If she rejected me and no longer wanted to be friends, that would be better than being friends with unfullfilled desires on my end of it. I waited a bit, I thought when she readjusted her arms that she was gently touching my arm, testing the waters or trying to tempt me. I made my move. I moved my right arm across her body and grasped her leg, with my left I reached for her face as I turned my head to her. She pulled away and said "Dasani no. I know you want to kiss me. We can't, we want different things.." I replied "Ok" and breathed a huge sigh. My heart was pounding. I grabbed her hand and put it on my heart to have her feel it. She was amazed. I decided not to explain to her that it was the excess adrenaline from waiting so long to do that. She did not move away from me though, so I readjusted her body so that we were spooning. She kept asking if I was ok, thought I was behind her moping that I got rejected. No ma'am. I remembered something I used to say and that Entropy taught me at the U21C. Listen to her behaviors, not her words. She said no, but she cuddled with me. I waited a bit till she turned toward me some, I turned her the rest of the way and eased into the kiss. We madeout, stopped, madeout, stopped, she wanted me, she knew she was probably going to break it off with her BF, but she was going against her values. I did my best not to get logical and explain things and reason with her, and kept my reasons incomprehensible, stealing a mystery line "I wasn't given an instruction book on how to be human." When she went to leave, I put her to the wall and the clothes came off, though not all the way. We never got beyond topless making out, and went to sleep together (though I moved to the floor later in the night, my bed is tiny and I have trouble sleeping next to another person). I'm comfortable not having had sex with her, though I would have liked to, and realize that we may never have sex. This is ok. She is a solid girl and I really like her. She fits my standard (I will not hook up with any girl who I am not interested in making feel good), so I'm proud of myself.

At one point while I had her on top and was moving her hips grinding on me, she moaned SOO HARD and said "oh my god, give me a break" it was awesome.