FR: Water Helps My Game

It really does.

I was in a not so social mood, imagining the future with me having nothing to say to the people I went out to talk with, so I picked up The Power of Now and read the section called "wherever you are, be there totally." As I read I felt a sense of peace come over me, and decided to just let the night happen as it would.

I met up with some friends at a house, just hanging out. This cutie I know came up and said hi, I told her she had to come sit down, she was too tall to talk to from where I was, then grabbed her hand and moved her next to me. She directed all her focus on me, but I just was too chill to have much to say. She moved on, it was fine. I consulted with Millenium on if he thought I should text FemmeFatale, he said yes, so I did, "Hey what are you up to". We headed out to the party. I was also in contact with Shoegirl, and we texted our logistics to eachother throughout the night.

I decided I wasn't going to drink tonight, so I grabbed a keg cup and filled it with water. Hung out with my buddies around the hookah, busted on this girl a little for the face she made while trying to blow smoke rings, also got some advice from her on what to do about FemmeFatale. Saw another cutie from one of my classes, she came over and sat with me, gave me great body language and attention, Shygirl. She's a sweetheart and I love talking with her. Gunna slow burn on this one. My friends all left and it was just me and one more, he didn't want the host to see him leave on her birthday, so he snuck out while I went to say goodbye. In looking for her I got grabbed by this hottie I know who just starts grinding on me like a pole. She almost knocked me over and I actually kissed her chin out of reflex it was so sexual.

I got approached by a two set who asked if I remembered them, the hottie came over and said "oh hey! these are my friends!" I said to introduce me, and she did, one of the two girls had her hand on my shoulder the whole time so I pulled her into me as I kept talking to the other girl. The first girl starts talking, gives me the look like she wants to be kissed, so I kissed her on her nose, made like I was going to leave, came back in and we kissed on the lips. I wasn't attracted to her really, at least not in the sense of my new standard for hooking up (I won't hook up with any girl I don't want to make feel good), so I pulled away and kept on my search. Met another hottie. Realized I was in state and about to leave the party. Lame.

Headed out to my friends house, meet my friend at another party along the way, this girl hes talking to is being sassy, so I take her drink, set it on the ground, then pick her up and she wraps her legs around me and arches her back. We try to bring her to my friends house but its a no go. We head over, I decide I'm hungry and we're gunna get some food, there is a girl skulking in the shadows, I say this loudly. She comes out and identifies herself, she is cute. My friend knows her and starts saying shit about how she doesn't put out. The girl gets all defensive so I cut in, "Oh so you DO put out!" She laughs, I am in. We tell her what we're doing, my friend asks her to come, I tell her to just get in the car. She complies. Her name will be Raccoongirl. Her friend comes out of the house, Ice-eyes, I tell her to get in the car and join us. She complies. I wish my friend wasn't drunk and high, it would have been cool for me to be able to explain all this to him. We go get food, I make a comment about ice-eyes looking like she's crushing cubes of ice with her eyes when she makes this face (no idea why) and she giggles. Raccoongirl is looking at me from behind the headrest and I can only see her eyes, hence her name, she looked like a raccoon. I tell the girls they better promise to pay me back because I never get paid back when I pay with my card, they promise very firmly.

We get back, the girls invite me to go to a gay club with them. I am down. I am also interested in hooking up with one or both of them. They pay me and I get a 50 cent tip (also a two dollar bill!). I eat, one of them gets a text and they decide they'd rather go to whatever it was, I'm cool with this as I was still in contact with Shoegirl. They both number close me so that we can all go out to the club sometime. Maybe they'll get antsy and want something else. I decide I like being pursued.

I go to meet Shoegirl, she's cute as a button, we end up walking in a group to absolutely nowhere, but lo and behold, after like two hours of silence, FemmeFatale texts me back. During the text conversation I separate from the group, I was more interested in FemmeFatale.
"Who is this?"
"Oh hey. Its Dasani"
"Hey! Whatsup? Whatre you up to!?"
"Looking for my next move. What are you doing"
"Nothing... I just took kristen back to the dorm cause she was fucked up beyond belief(again). Whats your next move?"
"Id like to make it our move. Where are you"
"I'm at [dorm]"
"My old dorm! I gotta grab something, meet you there in 20, k"
"Meet you where...?"
"Ill come to [dorm], text when I'm there"
"I think I may be in for the night actually...& my rooms tiny with 2 other people so I don't know how well that would work out."
"Oh for sure. I want to walk. grab a sweatshirt, its a lil cold"

I left my house at this point and it took her like 5 minutes to respond when previously it was instantaneous, I decided to say something to make it seem less pushy and more like I wasn't worried about it.

"Hey there is no rush, Id like to see you but its not a huge deal"
"Wait what im confused! Where are you?"
"Im heading to [dorm]. So it would be good to know if I should turn around :)"
"Like I dont have anywhere to kick it though cuz my friends in my room hella drunk! & its bad" "I'm almost there. Just meet me in the lounge and we can go from there"
"K can i change into sweats or something 1st"
"Lol no! What floor"

I call her and we decide to meet in the lounge. She almost doesnt acknowledge me when I get there (I was mellowing out at this point, no more burning coal of state), but I made her stand up and hug me. I met the people she was talking to and we went on a little search for her mystery person, I don't care to explain it was retarded. I ended up just following her around, I try to get back to her room and she doesnt want to because of her roommate, I try to get her to go for a walk with me and she doesnt want to, she decides to go to bed, but keeps asking me what I'm doing afterward. I was going to go to bed and I didn't feel like lying, I should have said a party because she probably would have been down. She kept saying she didnt want to go anywhere because she didnt want to do anything "bad." Lol, wtf. We end up parting, I have her walk me to the door, we hug, a quick crappy hug, and she walks off. I was annoyed and a little upset by this at first, but it was kinda the same way when we parted last night, except I was more in control then. No biggy, I'll call her soon, it's still on.

I got a ride home from the campus police. Rad. They're bored and don't mind being used as a taxi service. Saved me 10 minutes of walking.

FR: Femme Fatale Friday Night

Second night in a row drinking. Not going to make a habit out of this. I'm taking some time off of that thing they call booze.

This is graphic.

Went over to my buddies house. Started out real chill, ended up MASSIVE, somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 or 50 people. Wow. I did a lot of socializing, saw a girl, Shoegirl, who I hadn't seen in a long time and last time I did she had a boyfriend. She knows what I'm about and we exchanged numbers. Met a lot of really attractive young ladies, hung out with the guys, it was good.

The majority of this will focus on FemmeFatale. I just like the sound of that as her name, she's got a unique real one so it works out. When I started talking to her it was clear it was on from the start, she asked my name and I feigned a little "i dunno if I want to get to know you yet" kind of vibe and we started flirting. Exchanged names, I said something about fucking with people, and she said "I don't fuck with people, but I fuck." Cue sexual tension. I said something about how she was earning points but she could still mess up. We kept seeing eachother throughout the night, and I made sure not to just focus on her exclusively, it was still early and that's needy anyway. At one point on the dancefloor, we were talking about god knows what, but just had lazer eyes and got closer and closer and closer. When the kiss was ready, I pulled away and walked off the dancefloor. Nothing wrong with a little mixed signal.

I had to take a buddy of mine to another party, so I recruited a couple guys to stick around and make sure she didn't leave with anybody, "tell her you want to dance if she tries to leave and pull her back!" Got my friend to his party, right next to my place, so I ran in and grabbed condoms just in case. Got back to my party

FemmeFatale is still there, I give her a little space at first and mingle, then I swoop in when she's with a couple guys. "Dasani."
"FemmeFatale."
talking about what I don't even remember, we close in and kiss, I pull away and tell her I don't make out at parties. She says she doesn't either, and says "You're gunna fuck one of these girls here tonight right? Here, take my number. Get some action and give me a call soon, I'll still be ready." That really doesn't convey what she said or the vibe she projected, it was like she was saying "You and I are more important, but lets let this simmer awhile, so go get your rocks off so that you and I can be more ready to tear eachother apart." In almost a commanding tone. It could be insecurity, I just didn't feel that vibe. But then, I was a little drunk. We'll see. So I got her number and said "I want to talk to you, come with me." And walked her out the front.

There was a dude out there where I was going to take her, so I walked her a bit further, she asks where we're going, I ask where she lives, she doesn't tell me and asks how far my place is, I say a couple blocks (more like 7-8), she says she can't leave her roommate behind at the house, we end up pulling off the sidewalk, pushing her against a fence and making out. She turns me so my back is to the fence and does this thing, that for a moment I was forcibly reminded of Spiderman...if Spiderman were a porno. She grabs the fence behind my head, and puts her feet up on the lowest cross bar of it, then sort of suspends herself in front of me while grinding on me HARD and forcing her mouth into mine. She turns and see's a group of people watching us, "I think they're watching us!"
"Yeah, I bet you like it a little"
"Do you like it?"
"...maybe a little"
"I'm not going to keep going for just a little"
"Alright, I like you a lot"

I don't know why I said you, and not it, but I did. After a minute or so more, I grab her (it was hard as fuck to escape her little cage of grinding) and move her behind some houses into an alley way thing. Shove her against a wall, she's got her leg up almost on my shoulder, grinding eachother, I pull her boob out and start sucking on it. She says something to the effect of "What you want to happen tonight, is not going to happen, get back in there and fuck one of those other girls, you already have me." Damn girl, you had ME at "I fuck." This girl is giving me a total player vibe and I dig the fuck out of it.

She rides me on this little block thing, and we almost knock it over with her arching her back so hard. Lol, it was tantamount to theatrical, but I loved it! I lay her down on the block and she pulls her shirt up over her boobs, after a little while we stand up and I pull her in from behind and start undoing her pants, I'm fully ready to take this girl behind this damn house. She lets me undo her pants but when I reach in she stops me, firmly. I'm ok with this and decide to go along with her plan. We part and I headed back in.

Didn't end up meeting anybody else real promising that night, though I was very attracted to this one girl, PinkDress. She digs me but has a boyfriend...hmmm...

FR: First Thirsty Thursday

I met up with a buddy of mine to go to my first ever thirsty thursday at the T Room. It's where all the over 21 students congregate at this divebar near campus on thursday. Just planning for a chill night drinking with my friends, we drank at his place with his girlfriend then headed out.

We got there early, just chilled, drank some more, then the music came on and people streamed in like knocking the bottom out of a keg. I saw some old friends who didn't know I was 21 yet and it was tons of fun just being social and hanging out. Pulled one girl into our table cuz she was sitting alone, introd her to my friend and ducked out. The douchebag from work, featured in my FR about work, showed up, turns out he knows my friend, and he sat in my seat when i went to the bathroom, i greeted him warmly when i got back and asked for my seat back. He wouldn't move. Eventually he did. Next time I'll be over the top gay, sit on his lap, and touch him uncomfortably.

Then the girl from my fr: I can't find the trigger, showed up. We hugged and parted. Later I saw her sitting and talking to some dude so I said to my female friend "I'm stealing her in 10...9...8..." and she finished the countdown with me, then i grabbed my girl and whisked her to the dancefloor. She was pulling me close and reaching back behind my head, so I kissed her on the kneck, then ended the dance and went back to my friends. She came over later and covered my eyes "guess who" style, I didn't guess by asking, I used my hands. I reached up her sides, felt the beginning curve to her breasts, decided not to grab them, traced her legs down and found the bottom of her skirt. Assessment? Female. She let go and I turned and pulled her into my lap, then lifted her and carried her onto the dancefloor. We danced some more, I bit her kneck this time and said "Look I have to stop dancing with you like this or I'm going to do something I shouldn't..." and walked off.

Some girls tried to get into the guys bathroom, I didnt care so I shoved them in, the bouncer came over and kicked me out, but was cool about it. Ordahs is ordahs. I said goodbye to my friends and thought of a brilliant plan. Pull my girl home (Dancegirl). I grab Dancegirl and start for the door, telling her i'll tell her when i get there what I'm doing. I go outside with her and tell her what happened, she says "OH well I was ready to leave anyway if you'll walk me home" I said yes, she went in to say goodbye to her friends. The bouncer came out to say no hard feelings, I said it was totally cool because he probably just helped me pull this girl, he was stoked, we clasped hands and he said I owe him a beer. Lol, whatever.

I walk Dancegirl home, have to pee like crazy so that was going to be my excuse for going in, and we chat the whole way. Not emotionally charged conversation, but entertaining. We get there and she says "you can come in and see my room" I'm thinking, seriously, I don't even need an excuse but I do have to pee. So I go, then she gives me the tour. She's not making it obvious that she wants me though. Strange. I go in for the kill, picking her up and laying her out on her awesome bed, and she gently says no, but firmly pushes me away. I leave shortly after, I hug her and pull her in and steal a kiss as I sing "always gotta steal my kisses from you!" as I walk out the door, smiling and laughing. She texts me later and says "Not so cool." No idea what that meant so I texted back "I don't get it, something you wanted to say" no response, before I went to bed I texted "guess not. Night" Second near pull in so many weeks. Oooooo!!!!!!

Say YES to Sexual Tension

I was rereading "How to Meet and Connect With Women" for the millionth time, and some things really stuck out at me. In particular, the idea of creating sexual tension.

I've been hooking up with girls in the past 8-9 months or so who I don't really care about, and in doing so I fullfilled every single point on Wayne's list of "sexually obsessed" characteristics, vs sexual tension characteristics. Then I blame the girl for not being good enough for me and us not having any chemistry!

He writes:
Sexual Obsession
-one-sided
-wanting sex
-your desire
-the goal
-hurried
-the situation
-orgasm

So I'll break down one of my lightning quick movie closes. Last semester, this girl I knew was kinda into me. I was into her, but not interested in making her feel good. This is one sided. I wanted to hook up with her. This is wanting sex and my desire. I had a goal with her in that I would get her alone and then push for sex. We started making out during the opening credits of the movie, thats a little hurried. We're watching a movie, that's an isolated situation ideal for escalation (not saying it's bad) but thats what it was for, not for building tension between us, at least the way I used it. Ultimately, all I wanted to do was get off and put another notch on my belt. I wanted sex, I didn't want her. She was just the means to the end.

I hit every line on the sexual obsession list. It comes down to, I think, just wanting to get off. This makes it very goal oriented and mechanical. I'm not going to shove her up against a tree and rail her with people 50 feet away from us if I just want to get off, that's something I'd do if I wanted us to be genuinely EXCITED!

So heres the sexual tension list
Sexual Tension
-two-sided
-wanting her
-both your desires
-the process
-prolonged
-flirting
-foreplay

Lets break down the last solid relationship I had. On our date I took her hand because I wanted her, and I would spin her around and into me, as if I was going to kiss her, then look over her shoulder for our car. I was interested in creating a two sided chemistry, on my end I was enjoying toying with her and putting off the kiss until I was good and ready, and on her end it built the tension of wondering when I would actually do it. When it came to the night where we were going to have sex, it was the most mutual, natural thing. I knew before I got to her house that we were going to have sex, I wasn't worried about making it happen, so I enjoyed the process of having a few drinks, dancing with her, laughing a little, flirting and tossing her little self around, until I hit the point where I was ready. "If I took your hand and led you upstairs, would you follow?" She only thought for a moment before nodding vigorously. We did, she locked the door, and we started fooling around. Every time I tell this story, in my journal or to a friend, I use the words "I took my time with her, I wasn't in a hurry, I knew it was going to happen" I prolonged the foreplay and I enjoyed the process. When it came time to have sex, we were both totally ready, she got the condom, put it on me, and even started on top. That had never happened for me with a girl prior to her.

That's fucking sexual tension. "I'm gunna take my time with this one" in a deep gutteral sexy man-voice should be my internal dialogue with a girl I'm genuinely interested in.

Weekends and the first day of school

Little update.

Last saturday was a big sporting event and the last official party night before school started so I hung around campus. Caught up with some old friends, made a few new contacts. Went to see one of my RA friends (the redhead from FR Positive state) but she wasnt there, so I used it as an opportunity to meet some of her residents, six of em were all hanging out in a room, very cute. I was way high energy, too high energy, I should focus on chilling out. But they enjoyed me, and I ended up finding my friend. I told those girls to tell her when they saw her that she was in big trouble. Found out last night that they did a very good job.

That whole day I was in a very fluxuating state. I was so chill but comfortable, but didn't have naything to say up until I was sitting here, about to call it a night, then decided not to give into my emotions, turned on some power music, made the decision to feel better, and walked outside, in a more powerful state. Met a girl, MontyPython, had a great interaction on the way to where she was going, probably 5 or so minutes, don't know why I didn't go for her number, she was definitely into me. Sometimes I forgot about tossing in a little intent.

After the dorm it was to a party, where I was having fun but didnt want to drink to fix my state, a very cute girl from the days of yore was very flirty but I just didn't know how to deal with it. F neutrality. I had one beer before the point before, where I decided to change my state, and the lingering affect of that beer was with me the rest of the night, it's like my body molded my state out of that tiny buzz. Man, being drunk. It's like having a warm cloroform cloth pressed over your brain. I prefer just being happy, although being drunk with a girl I'm really comfortable with leads to some hilarious and amazing sex, and being drunk with the guys can just be awesome.

I ended up getting out of state again and called it an early night.

Yesterday was the first day of school, I was stoked to be there. I was a little too eager to make an impression once I got to class though. (forgot, on the way to class I met some girl who thought I was one of her residents, ended up walking with her all the way to her place, nice but not my type). So I was a little fidgity and nervous, but excited. I eventually chilled out and hit my groove in my next class. But that was the end of it. No more class. Hung out with a buddy of mine who I hadn't seen in awhile, hung out with the roommate, went and chilled with friends and talked a little game and girls and such. It was a solid night.

More class today. My goal is to get a number of a hottie who could be a gatekeeper to more. I want more hot female friends, gotta turn my school into a veritable farm where I take the time to plant the seeds, then reap the crop when it's good and ready.

Sidenote: Fill in more gaps to the subgoals of your overall goal, so you've got a clearly defined path the the large goal9 months from now.

FR: VIP

Last night was my VIP night at McFaddens. No cover for me and anybody who says my name at the door. Good times. It was also their mardigras night.

Pineapple came and picked me up along with a buddy of mine and we headed downtown, took a stop at the boiler room. I always have fun at this place, and my best set of the night, where I worked hardest on the things I set out to try. This girl, Xena, tries to get by me, and says excuse me, I replied "You're not excused" and we started talking. I don't remember all of what she said or me for that matter, but some highlights: I worked on doing mini takeaways like she was losing my attention and had to grab it back, by suddenly looking around the room, or when I got a text message I took the time to read and reply to it. I don't think I really had a method to what I was doing, but it seemed to be working. At one point she asked me to take part in something with her, I thought she said a "covert Op" and I said I was stoked, and we needed callsigns. I told her mine would be Dasani (original right) and she decided hers would be Xena Warrior Princess. I tried to get her to do the eiyeiyeiyeiey thing that Xena does, but she didn't. We parted ways after a respectable interaction, I worked in a bunch of mini takeaways and did my best to hold back on the kino and use my body language not to display full interest by turning away slightly when I wouldn't get compliance.

I grabbed her whole groups attention on my way out and invited them all to come to my VIP event, all they had to do to get in for free was say my name at the door. They were all stoked, and I told the guy next to me my name, Xena perked up "wait, whats your name!"

On the way to Mcfaddens I yelled across the street at a hot two set to come join McFaddens, they just needed my name. they asked for it and said later, I said no.

Got inside, moved around, met up with several of the guys from the lair though I really only spent time with D and Pineapple. I didn't have very many committed sets tonight, I felt like I'd trained myself to be a 15 second champ. I'd go in, throw some stuff out, and be out. I'm not really picking my sets either. I have GREAT situational abilities, and can often run great sets off of totally random things (for instance, I touched hands with a girl on accident as we ended up walking together, and turned to her and said "well I guess we can hold hands" and grabbed her hand and walked with her the next 10 feet), however picking a set and going in with an opener often befuddles me. I'm thinking too hard, I realized on my way home that I didn't even think to use standard openers that I use to get warmed up, things like where is the bathroom, what other clubs are good around here, how long until I can sing karaoke, etc.

I did a little winging where I helped one of the guys from the lair get some good time in his two set, interrupted by a guy, by complimenting him on his jeans and having a whole conversation about jeans. I pawned him onto some other girls who were part of his group, and moved in to occupy the obstacle of the other PUA, talking to her about button down fly's on jeans. She said they were sexy, I mock got on my knees and 'undid' her fly to show her about going down on guys. I was qualifying her on going down on me within a minute of talking to her. "We wouldn't get along"
"why!?"
"because you just said you'd never go down on a guy and that's crucial for me!"
"I have a fiance! THATS why I can't go down on you!"

There was some dude who was coming on STRONG to this group who looked like they didn't want him there, I waited for 30 seconds or so and decided to do something about it. I walked in and started talking to him about his shirt, then the hottie perks up and says "I picked it out!" turns out they were together, maybe having a fight, not sure, but the blond, MILF, turns and starts talking to me and I pulled her in and out of the group, back into a locked in position against a pole. She starts just firing questions at me rapid fire, I stop her at one point and have her tell me something about herself, and I wish I had the exact response but it was something to the effect of "I'm a successful investment broker for a top company here in portland, that guy you were talking to is my employee, I work out, money money money" She was 35 and very sexy for her age, great body, I told her this, another minute or so into the conversation she says blah blah well you're hot, blah blah, I thanked her for the compliment and moved to isolate her in the outside area "hey I havent been outside yet, have you? lets check it out" she is compliant, then the former hottie comes in and becomes the cock block from hell "No, no sorry, she's coming with me, goodbye." In a very commanding, almost annoyed tone, and pulls MILF away from me. MILF pulls my head in close and says "I'll come find you in half an hour."

Well I couldn't leave it up to chance, it was too much of an opportunity to just ignore, so I moved around a bit, came back, and pulled her away from her group discretely. Actually not really, I had a great move in mind, but what happened was I tripped on my way to grab her, wrapped my arms around her to keep myself from falling, turned her in a 180 away from the guys talking to her and pulled her away. She had in the meantime been clawing in and flirting with about every guy who went by, this woman wanted to get FUCKED. According to her, her brother and friend were both there, and very protective "which is why [she] doesn't date" I had her give me her number, she did. I moved off.

Later, the other PUAs pushed me into grabbing her and going for the pull, the problem being transportation, though I was considering a cab. When the time came I pounced, just grabbed her hand and pulled her through the crowd to the outside area. She was very compliant, but she never squeezed or held tight with her hand, I found this odd. We got outside and danced together for a moment and I tried a Ratisse primer, "MILF you better stop dancing with me like this...Otherwise I'm going to end up taking you outside and pulling you home." she replied "That might not be so bad."
"Well lets go get stamped for reentry, and go around the corner for a bite, I know a place, we can come back in later"
"OK, I like your style, Dasani"

I took her hand (same hand pressure) and walked her through the crowd, but then there was a massive people road block that I couldn't get through. She said she saw her brother waving her back over and had to go. I smelled bs but I couldn't see to find out, and it didn't matter anyway.

I met up with the other guys and headed out.

It's important to note that the entire night I varied between a positive energetic state where I was saying things like "TELL MY FRIEND HOW HOTT HE IS, RIGHT NOW!" to which the girl laughed hard, but still cringed in literal fear as I screamed this out over and over (I had a girl do this to me once when she picked up the phone of a girl i was calling while my girl was in the bathroom, she was drunk, i wasn't), and relative neutrality, where nothing effected me positively or negatively.

I find it difficult to work in that neutral state, being interested in who I'm talking to or what is coming out of my mouth becomes a challenge. The trade off is that bad things don't usually effect me very hard if at all, though it's hard to find the motivation to try ballsy things or go for "harder" sets when I'm in that state. Even when that MILF told me I was hott, and I was within inches of pulling her out, I felt no state change, positive or negative. I was just stuck in neutral.

Some miscellaneous things I learned:
*Guys are incredibly easy to win over. A friendly word, a high five, and maybe a compliment, and they suddenly become my best bud and ask me my name.
*Getting guys out of the way technique (learned this awhile ago and forgot to write about it). When I'm in a good positive state, projecting and smiling, I make eye contact with the guy in front of me, then flick my head back, the acknowledgement flick. He flicks it back and moves aside. Simple as that. It works almost too well.

I swear I learned more than that...

Work on:
*Takeaways/attention/the kino involved with these
*Picking my set and opening, rather than letting the set pick me with perfect opening logistics. Gotta just push through that small amount of fear, remember, a year ago you could never have gone out and actually had a good time at your night out and talked with so many strangers(and despite the oppressive neutral emotion, I did have a good time).

Talks with the Millenium and a long time cumming

Tonight when I go out, I'll work on takeaways. Something Millenium does much better than I do is maintain his status as the prize and the person being chased. My current style of game is to just barge in like a dumb ox and eject before I lose my value. I realized that I don't leave room for the other party to chase. We talked about all things game related, but here are some highlights.

-Female sexuality- I still have trouble seeing girls as sexual creatures even though I have MOUNTAINS of evidence from my own experience and outside sources to support that they are. The reason being related to my issues with being the prize. I don't see girls making the effort that I do to get laid, and thus in my own head it makes sense that they are not actually very sexual, even though once they are sexual they are voracious. However, I am operating from a scarcity mindset, and girls are culturally and socially conditioned to operate from an abundance mindset when it comes to dating. They are the ones being courted in their mind (which is why it's so effective and "different" when a guy sets up the frame that she has to win HIM over). Their sexual fantasies and desires involve the place and the mood and what happened before it and what is being worn, etc etc. Whereas a guy's (or at least mine and Millenium's) fantasies are fairly standard; all things sexual in a location, usually the bedroom. Sure I fantasize about how I'd like to do it or how she's sounding or how it feels, but beyond that, not a lot. She takes care of the full picture when she fantasizes. This is because she can get the nuts and bolts whenever or wherever she wants, so the experience of those nuts and bolts becomes more important than the nuts and bolts in and of themselves. I made sense of this with a wealth analogy. When I don't have a lot of money, I think "a lot of money would be great! I could buy shit and travel" but if I had millions, I'd be thinking more along the lines of "I can really play with this investment, and I'd like to start a realestate empire by buying and selling houses, also I want to donate to charity, change up my wardrobe, and pay a sherpa to take me to the top of everest" the experience and uses become more important than the actual money.

-Mindsets of value- When I talked about texting to V, Millenium saw it in a numerical fashion. I had called twice and gotten no answer, and had texted like4-5 times to her 3-4. In his mind, I was lower value because I had spent more effort. In my mind, I saw it more time based. I texted her after I first met her, she responded, I told her I was going to call and I did, she didn't answer. I called again a couple days later, she didn't answer, but texted that she was out of town. Instead of trying to get her on the phone, I waited till I left town and returned again. I texted and she texted back immediately, and then I invited her to my VIP and she said she would come. I also got her facebook and myspace. I saw it as me not being needy, and noticed that she responded promptly to all of my attempts to contacther, even after a full week and a half of no contact she responed to my text immediately. I also saw us as parting on equal planes of value. I had approached direct and she was into it and I got her number. I made her understand that I thought she was cute, but wanted to get to know her first. This whole thing has been totally normal, all I'm doing is structuring the opportunity for us to spend some time together. Millenium sees it as me chasing too hard, but the way we parted, what other way can I play it. I see it as us handling the logistics to our hooking up. Either way I got a lot out of what MIllenium said, and I'll be implementing some.

Tonight: The goal for tonight is to leave room for the other party to chase and express themselves. I also want to incorporate mini takeaways into my interactions during the beginning phases. I will focus on rewarding with things like my touch and attention, rather than giving them fully. I understand this will take time to make natural and to work and will not beat myself up if I don't master it in a night.

A Long Time Cumming
Last night I hung out with a long time friend. We've always had some chemistry, but the times where I've felt it strong enough to make a move, she has been unavailable. She is the one girl who I have been able to express myself fully around before having had sex or crossed the threshold of "She's mine." Which is a challenge I'm dealing with. I literally go into state when I'm in her presence most times, I'm just so comfortable with her. She invited me out to dinner, and I had been fantasizing about her over the summer, so I decided that I wasn't going to make hooking up a non option because of her boyfriend. She confessed to me over dinner that she had cheated on him while away, and I felt a twinge of something though I attempted not to register it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom after a respectable interval so that I could analyze the emotion. I know thats contrary to Tolle wisdom, but for now it helps me a lot. I discovered I was jealous that I wasn't the guy she had hooked up with.

We left dinner and went out to rent a movie. On the car ride I brought up the thing about my brother and my limiting belief. It ended up being a solid vulnerability story, though that was not my intention when I started talking to her. She confessed that she has that same feeling of unnattractiveness about herself, and we explored this somewhat. We brought the movie back here, put it in, and I plopped myself down right next to her, our bodies touching by proximity. This was always my test during the school year, I can't believe I forgot it, to see if she readjusted and moved further away (I got deadly fast at it during the year too), and if not, to make things sexual. I waited about half the movie, allowing anxiety to build in me, unsure if I was going to risk making the move and changing our friendship. It was then that I asked myself a crucial question...

"If I don't make a move, am I comfortable with still being friends with a sexual desire and longing lingering behind our 'friendship'?"

The answer was no. If she rejected me and no longer wanted to be friends, that would be better than being friends with unfullfilled desires on my end of it. I waited a bit, I thought when she readjusted her arms that she was gently touching my arm, testing the waters or trying to tempt me. I made my move. I moved my right arm across her body and grasped her leg, with my left I reached for her face as I turned my head to her. She pulled away and said "Dasani no. I know you want to kiss me. We can't, we want different things.." I replied "Ok" and breathed a huge sigh. My heart was pounding. I grabbed her hand and put it on my heart to have her feel it. She was amazed. I decided not to explain to her that it was the excess adrenaline from waiting so long to do that. She did not move away from me though, so I readjusted her body so that we were spooning. She kept asking if I was ok, thought I was behind her moping that I got rejected. No ma'am. I remembered something I used to say and that Entropy taught me at the U21C. Listen to her behaviors, not her words. She said no, but she cuddled with me. I waited a bit till she turned toward me some, I turned her the rest of the way and eased into the kiss. We madeout, stopped, madeout, stopped, she wanted me, she knew she was probably going to break it off with her BF, but she was going against her values. I did my best not to get logical and explain things and reason with her, and kept my reasons incomprehensible, stealing a mystery line "I wasn't given an instruction book on how to be human." When she went to leave, I put her to the wall and the clothes came off, though not all the way. We never got beyond topless making out, and went to sleep together (though I moved to the floor later in the night, my bed is tiny and I have trouble sleeping next to another person). I'm comfortable not having had sex with her, though I would have liked to, and realize that we may never have sex. This is ok. She is a solid girl and I really like her. She fits my standard (I will not hook up with any girl who I am not interested in making feel good), so I'm proud of myself.

At one point while I had her on top and was moving her hips grinding on me, she moaned SOO HARD and said "oh my god, give me a break" it was awesome.