Sunday, May 3, 2009

On Thin Ice

I realized that I tend, more often than not, with both guys and girls (moreso girls) to treat myself as though I am on thin ice and the slightest mistake will send me crashing through. I do this most often over impersonal modes of communication, such as text or internet, where there are no subcommunications or non verbals.

If I say something cheeky over text or over facebook, I start worrying "oh my god, if they take that wrong they're going to be upset/stop talking to me/never want to see me again." Then worse still, I start believing that is true, so I start behaving like it's true. Next time I see that guy I'll say to him "dude I just wanted you to know I was totally kidding the other day when I called you gay" or if I see that girl, I'll avoid her eyes, because I expect that she doesn't want to see me anyway, and why be the weirdo who just doesn't "get it," who sticks around even when she clearly is only tolerating him. Best to apologize or to cut my losses and avoid embarassment.

Seriously? What the fuck are you thinking?

You are not on thin ice. Here are some examples of me thinking I'm on thin ice:

Posting something on a girl's facebook wall and not getting a reply that same day.

Replying to a girl's wall post asking me if we can get a drink sometime (a girl from back home, she means when we're both back in our hometown) with "are you buying? =)" and her not replying immediately.

I actually visualize, when I next check my facebook or phone an hour or so later, if they haven't responded, them sitting at their computer going "god what a loser, I can't believe he said that. Weird" and then making a conscious choice not to reply because girls hate telling the truth/confrontation of any sort. My mind runs wild and I assume all kinds of goofy crap.

I assume that no matter what, I'm on a probationary, trial basis. And any mistake I make is seen as a mistake that I'll consistently make for the duration of their knowing me, and so they just cut me to avoid that awkwardness.

Being on thin ice, is a terrible mindset.

I'm almost always wrong. So why then do I always assume this mindset? The only thing I can think of is a focus on past instances where it came true, as opposed to all of the many instances where it didn't. Those times where it did come true, where I sent a goofy text and the girl went non-responsive and quit answering texts entirely, or when I didn't get a reply on facebook and saw the girl and she avoided my eyes, hurt me a lot more than the instances of a person replying to a text or on facebook, felt good. Like, I can't remember all the millions of times I've successfully avoided injury, but I can remember with crystal clarity all of the times I've hurt myself badly.

I'll have to examine this mindset and get rid of it. Remember the time with Doa where you spent a few hours talking with her, and decided just to let it be as it is? You guys talked together, no need to draw conclusions about her liking you or not. She ended up chasing you like crazy (then the negative part of me says "and then you fucked it up" and it can shut it's god damned mouth).

If you do not recieve a reply on facebook, it doesn't mean anything, except that you have not recieved a reply on facebook.

If a text message has not been reciprocated, it does not mean anything other than that which it is. The text message has not been reciprocated. Not that it has not yet been reciprocated, that assumes that it will, which invests me in the text message. It just hasn't been replied to, and that's it.

Quit thinking you're no thin ice. It isn't even winter.

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