Sunday, August 31, 2008

FR: Water Helps My Game

It really does.

I was in a not so social mood, imagining the future with me having nothing to say to the people I went out to talk with, so I picked up The Power of Now and read the section called "wherever you are, be there totally." As I read I felt a sense of peace come over me, and decided to just let the night happen as it would.

I met up with some friends at a house, just hanging out. This cutie I know came up and said hi, I told her she had to come sit down, she was too tall to talk to from where I was, then grabbed her hand and moved her next to me. She directed all her focus on me, but I just was too chill to have much to say. She moved on, it was fine. I consulted with Millenium on if he thought I should text FemmeFatale, he said yes, so I did, "Hey what are you up to". We headed out to the party. I was also in contact with Shoegirl, and we texted our logistics to eachother throughout the night.

I decided I wasn't going to drink tonight, so I grabbed a keg cup and filled it with water. Hung out with my buddies around the hookah, busted on this girl a little for the face she made while trying to blow smoke rings, also got some advice from her on what to do about FemmeFatale. Saw another cutie from one of my classes, she came over and sat with me, gave me great body language and attention, Shygirl. She's a sweetheart and I love talking with her. Gunna slow burn on this one. My friends all left and it was just me and one more, he didn't want the host to see him leave on her birthday, so he snuck out while I went to say goodbye. In looking for her I got grabbed by this hottie I know who just starts grinding on me like a pole. She almost knocked me over and I actually kissed her chin out of reflex it was so sexual.

I got approached by a two set who asked if I remembered them, the hottie came over and said "oh hey! these are my friends!" I said to introduce me, and she did, one of the two girls had her hand on my shoulder the whole time so I pulled her into me as I kept talking to the other girl. The first girl starts talking, gives me the look like she wants to be kissed, so I kissed her on her nose, made like I was going to leave, came back in and we kissed on the lips. I wasn't attracted to her really, at least not in the sense of my new standard for hooking up (I won't hook up with any girl I don't want to make feel good), so I pulled away and kept on my search. Met another hottie. Realized I was in state and about to leave the party. Lame.

Headed out to my friends house, meet my friend at another party along the way, this girl hes talking to is being sassy, so I take her drink, set it on the ground, then pick her up and she wraps her legs around me and arches her back. We try to bring her to my friends house but its a no go. We head over, I decide I'm hungry and we're gunna get some food, there is a girl skulking in the shadows, I say this loudly. She comes out and identifies herself, she is cute. My friend knows her and starts saying shit about how she doesn't put out. The girl gets all defensive so I cut in, "Oh so you DO put out!" She laughs, I am in. We tell her what we're doing, my friend asks her to come, I tell her to just get in the car. She complies. Her name will be Raccoongirl. Her friend comes out of the house, Ice-eyes, I tell her to get in the car and join us. She complies. I wish my friend wasn't drunk and high, it would have been cool for me to be able to explain all this to him. We go get food, I make a comment about ice-eyes looking like she's crushing cubes of ice with her eyes when she makes this face (no idea why) and she giggles. Raccoongirl is looking at me from behind the headrest and I can only see her eyes, hence her name, she looked like a raccoon. I tell the girls they better promise to pay me back because I never get paid back when I pay with my card, they promise very firmly.

We get back, the girls invite me to go to a gay club with them. I am down. I am also interested in hooking up with one or both of them. They pay me and I get a 50 cent tip (also a two dollar bill!). I eat, one of them gets a text and they decide they'd rather go to whatever it was, I'm cool with this as I was still in contact with Shoegirl. They both number close me so that we can all go out to the club sometime. Maybe they'll get antsy and want something else. I decide I like being pursued.

I go to meet Shoegirl, she's cute as a button, we end up walking in a group to absolutely nowhere, but lo and behold, after like two hours of silence, FemmeFatale texts me back. During the text conversation I separate from the group, I was more interested in FemmeFatale.
"Who is this?"
"Oh hey. Its Dasani"

"Hey! Whatsup? Whatre you up to!?"

"Looking for my next move. What are you doing"
"Nothing... I just took kristen back to the dorm cause she was fucked up beyond belief(again). Whats your next move?"

"Id like to make it our move. Where are you"
"I'm at [dorm]"
"My old dorm! I gotta grab something, meet you there in 20, k"
"Meet you where...?"
"Ill come to [dorm], text when I'm there"
"I think I may be in for the night actually...& my rooms tiny with 2 other people so I don't know how well that would work out."
"Oh for sure. I want to walk. grab a sweatshirt, its a lil cold"

I left my house at this point and it took her like 5 minutes to respond when previously it was instantaneous, I decided to say something to make it seem less pushy and more like I wasn't worried about it.

"Hey there is no rush, Id like to see you but its not a huge deal"
"Wait what im confused! Where are you?"
"Im heading to [dorm]. So it would be good to know if I should turn around :)"
"Like I dont have anywhere to kick it though cuz my friends in my room hella drunk! & its bad" "I'm almost there. Just meet me in the lounge and we can go from there"
"K can i change into sweats or something 1st"
"Lol no! What floor"

I call her and we decide to meet in the lounge. She almost doesnt acknowledge me when I get there (I was mellowing out at this point, no more burning coal of state), but I made her stand up and hug me. I met the people she was talking to and we went on a little search for her mystery person, I don't care to explain it was retarded. I ended up just following her around, I try to get back to her room and she doesnt want to because of her roommate, I try to get her to go for a walk with me and she doesnt want to, she decides to go to bed, but keeps asking me what I'm doing afterward. I was going to go to bed and I didn't feel like lying, I should have said a party because she probably would have been down. She kept saying she didnt want to go anywhere because she didnt want to do anything "bad." Lol, wtf. We end up parting, I have her walk me to the door, we hug, a quick crappy hug, and she walks off. I was annoyed and a little upset by this at first, but it was kinda the same way when we parted last night, except I was more in control then. No biggy, I'll call her soon, it's still on.

I got a ride home from the campus police. Rad. They're bored and don't mind being used as a taxi service. Saved me 10 minutes of walking.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

FR: Femme Fatale Friday Night

Second night in a row drinking. Not going to make a habit out of this. I'm taking some time off of that thing they call booze.

This is graphic.

Went over to my buddies house. Started out real chill, ended up MASSIVE, somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 or 50 people. Wow. I did a lot of socializing, saw a girl, Shoegirl, who I hadn't seen in a long time and last time I did she had a boyfriend. She knows what I'm about and we exchanged numbers. Met a lot of really attractive young ladies, hung out with the guys, it was good.

The majority of this will focus on FemmeFatale. I just like the sound of that as her name, she's got a unique real one so it works out. When I started talking to her it was clear it was on from the start, she asked my name and I feigned a little "i dunno if I want to get to know you yet" kind of vibe and we started flirting. Exchanged names, I said something about fucking with people, and she said "I don't fuck with people, but I fuck." Cue sexual tension. I said something about how she was earning points but she could still mess up. We kept seeing eachother throughout the night, and I made sure not to just focus on her exclusively, it was still early and that's needy anyway. At one point on the dancefloor, we were talking about god knows what, but just had lazer eyes and got closer and closer and closer. When the kiss was ready, I pulled away and walked off the dancefloor. Nothing wrong with a little mixed signal.

I had to take a buddy of mine to another party, so I recruited a couple guys to stick around and make sure she didn't leave with anybody, "tell her you want to dance if she tries to leave and pull her back!" Got my friend to his party, right next to my place, so I ran in and grabbed condoms just in case. Got back to my party

FemmeFatale is still there, I give her a little space at first and mingle, then I swoop in when she's with a couple guys. "Dasani."
talking about what I don't even remember, we close in and kiss, I pull away and tell her I don't make out at parties. She says she doesn't either, and says "You're gunna fuck one of these girls here tonight right? Here, take my number. Get some action and give me a call soon, I'll still be ready." That really doesn't convey what she said or the vibe she projected, it was like she was saying "You and I are more important, but lets let this simmer awhile, so go get your rocks off so that you and I can be more ready to tear eachother apart." In almost a commanding tone. It could be insecurity, I just didn't feel that vibe. But then, I was a little drunk. We'll see. So I got her number and said "I want to talk to you, come with me." And walked her out the front.

There was a dude out there where I was going to take her, so I walked her a bit further, she asks where we're going, I ask where she lives, she doesn't tell me and asks how far my place is, I say a couple blocks (more like 7-8), she says she can't leave her roommate behind at the house, we end up pulling off the sidewalk, pushing her against a fence and making out. She turns me so my back is to the fence and does this thing, that for a moment I was forcibly reminded of Spiderman...if Spiderman were a porno. She grabs the fence behind my head, and puts her feet up on the lowest cross bar of it, then sort of suspends herself in front of me while grinding on me HARD and forcing her mouth into mine. She turns and see's a group of people watching us, "I think they're watching us!"
"Yeah, I bet you like it a little"
"Do you like it?"
"...maybe a little"
"I'm not going to keep going for just a little"
"Alright, I like you a lot"

I don't know why I said you, and not it, but I did. After a minute or so more, I grab her (it was hard as fuck to escape her little cage of grinding) and move her behind some houses into an alley way thing. Shove her against a wall, she's got her leg up almost on my shoulder, grinding eachother, I pull her boob out and start sucking on it. She says something to the effect of "What you want to happen tonight, is not going to happen, get back in there and fuck one of those other girls, you already have me." Damn girl, you had ME at "I fuck." This girl is giving me a total player vibe and I dig the fuck out of it.

She rides me on this little block thing, and we almost knock it over with her arching her back so hard. Lol, it was tantamount to theatrical, but I loved it! I lay her down on the block and she pulls her shirt up over her boobs, after a little while we stand up and I pull her in from behind and start undoing her pants, I'm fully ready to take this girl behind this damn house. She lets me undo her pants but when I reach in she stops me, firmly. I'm ok with this and decide to go along with her plan. We part and I headed back in.

Didn't end up meeting anybody else real promising that night, though I was very attracted to this one girl, PinkDress. She digs me but has a boyfriend...hmmm...

Friday, August 29, 2008

FR: First Thirsty Thursday

I met up with a buddy of mine to go to my first ever thirsty thursday at the T Room. It's where all the over 21 students congregate at this divebar near campus on thursday. Just planning for a chill night drinking with my friends, we drank at his place with his girlfriend then headed out.

We got there early, just chilled, drank some more, then the music came on and people streamed in like knocking the bottom out of a keg. I saw some old friends who didn't know I was 21 yet and it was tons of fun just being social and hanging out. Pulled one girl into our table cuz she was sitting alone, introd her to my friend and ducked out. The douchebag from work, featured in my FR about work, showed up, turns out he knows my friend, and he sat in my seat when i went to the bathroom, i greeted him warmly when i got back and asked for my seat back. He wouldn't move. Eventually he did. Next time I'll be over the top gay, sit on his lap, and touch him uncomfortably.

Then the girl from my fr: I can't find the trigger, showed up. We hugged and parted. Later I saw her sitting and talking to some dude so I said to my female friend "I'm stealing her in 10...9...8..." and she finished the countdown with me, then i grabbed my girl and whisked her to the dancefloor. She was pulling me close and reaching back behind my head, so I kissed her on the kneck, then ended the dance and went back to my friends. She came over later and covered my eyes "guess who" style, I didn't guess by asking, I used my hands. I reached up her sides, felt the beginning curve to her breasts, decided not to grab them, traced her legs down and found the bottom of her skirt. Assessment? Female. She let go and I turned and pulled her into my lap, then lifted her and carried her onto the dancefloor. We danced some more, I bit her kneck this time and said "Look I have to stop dancing with you like this or I'm going to do something I shouldn't..." and walked off.

Some girls tried to get into the guys bathroom, I didnt care so I shoved them in, the bouncer came over and kicked me out, but was cool about it. Ordahs is ordahs. I said goodbye to my friends and thought of a brilliant plan. Pull my girl home (Dancegirl). I grab Dancegirl and start for the door, telling her i'll tell her when i get there what I'm doing. I go outside with her and tell her what happened, she says "OH well I was ready to leave anyway if you'll walk me home" I said yes, she went in to say goodbye to her friends. The bouncer came out to say no hard feelings, I said it was totally cool because he probably just helped me pull this girl, he was stoked, we clasped hands and he said I owe him a beer. Lol, whatever.

I walk Dancegirl home, have to pee like crazy so that was going to be my excuse for going in, and we chat the whole way. Not emotionally charged conversation, but entertaining. We get there and she says "you can come in and see my room" I'm thinking, seriously, I don't even need an excuse but I do have to pee. So I go, then she gives me the tour. She's not making it obvious that she wants me though. Strange. I go in for the kill, picking her up and laying her out on her awesome bed, and she gently says no, but firmly pushes me away. I leave shortly after, I hug her and pull her in and steal a kiss as I sing "always gotta steal my kisses from you!" as I walk out the door, smiling and laughing. She texts me later and says "Not so cool." No idea what that meant so I texted back "I don't get it, something you wanted to say" no response, before I went to bed I texted "guess not. Night" Second near pull in so many weeks. Oooooo!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Say YES to Sexual Tension

I was rereading "How to Meet and Connect With Women" for the millionth time, and some things really stuck out at me. In particular, the idea of creating sexual tension.

I've been hooking up with girls in the past 8-9 months or so who I don't really care about, and in doing so I fullfilled every single point on Wayne's list of "sexually obsessed" characteristics, vs sexual tension characteristics. Then I blame the girl for not being good enough for me and us not having any chemistry!

He writes:
Sexual Obsession
-wanting sex
-your desire
-the goal
-the situation

So I'll break down one of my lightning quick movie closes. Last semester, this girl I knew was kinda into me. I was into her, but not interested in making her feel good. This is one sided. I wanted to hook up with her. This is wanting sex and my desire. I had a goal with her in that I would get her alone and then push for sex. We started making out during the opening credits of the movie, thats a little hurried. We're watching a movie, that's an isolated situation ideal for escalation (not saying it's bad) but thats what it was for, not for building tension between us, at least the way I used it. Ultimately, all I wanted to do was get off and put another notch on my belt. I wanted sex, I didn't want her. She was just the means to the end.

I hit every line on the sexual obsession list. It comes down to, I think, just wanting to get off. This makes it very goal oriented and mechanical. I'm not going to shove her up against a tree and rail her with people 50 feet away from us if I just want to get off, that's something I'd do if I wanted us to be genuinely EXCITED!

So heres the sexual tension list
Sexual Tension
-wanting her
-both your desires
-the process

Lets break down the last solid relationship I had. On our date I took her hand because I wanted her, and I would spin her around and into me, as if I was going to kiss her, then look over her shoulder for our car. I was interested in creating a two sided chemistry, on my end I was enjoying toying with her and putting off the kiss until I was good and ready, and on her end it built the tension of wondering when I would actually do it. When it came to the night where we were going to have sex, it was the most mutual, natural thing. I knew before I got to her house that we were going to have sex, I wasn't worried about making it happen, so I enjoyed the process of having a few drinks, dancing with her, laughing a little, flirting and tossing her little self around, until I hit the point where I was ready. "If I took your hand and led you upstairs, would you follow?" She only thought for a moment before nodding vigorously. We did, she locked the door, and we started fooling around. Every time I tell this story, in my journal or to a friend, I use the words "I took my time with her, I wasn't in a hurry, I knew it was going to happen" I prolonged the foreplay and I enjoyed the process. When it came time to have sex, we were both totally ready, she got the condom, put it on me, and even started on top. That had never happened for me with a girl prior to her.

That's fucking sexual tension. "I'm gunna take my time with this one" in a deep gutteral sexy man-voice should be my internal dialogue with a girl I'm genuinely interested in.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Weekends and the first day of school

Little update.

Last saturday was a big sporting event and the last official party night before school started so I hung around campus. Caught up with some old friends, made a few new contacts. Went to see one of my RA friends (the redhead from FR Positive state) but she wasnt there, so I used it as an opportunity to meet some of her residents, six of em were all hanging out in a room, very cute. I was way high energy, too high energy, I should focus on chilling out. But they enjoyed me, and I ended up finding my friend. I told those girls to tell her when they saw her that she was in big trouble. Found out last night that they did a very good job.

That whole day I was in a very fluxuating state. I was so chill but comfortable, but didn't have naything to say up until I was sitting here, about to call it a night, then decided not to give into my emotions, turned on some power music, made the decision to feel better, and walked outside, in a more powerful state. Met a girl, MontyPython, had a great interaction on the way to where she was going, probably 5 or so minutes, don't know why I didn't go for her number, she was definitely into me. Sometimes I forgot about tossing in a little intent.

After the dorm it was to a party, where I was having fun but didnt want to drink to fix my state, a very cute girl from the days of yore was very flirty but I just didn't know how to deal with it. F neutrality. I had one beer before the point before, where I decided to change my state, and the lingering affect of that beer was with me the rest of the night, it's like my body molded my state out of that tiny buzz. Man, being drunk. It's like having a warm cloroform cloth pressed over your brain. I prefer just being happy, although being drunk with a girl I'm really comfortable with leads to some hilarious and amazing sex, and being drunk with the guys can just be awesome.

I ended up getting out of state again and called it an early night.

Yesterday was the first day of school, I was stoked to be there. I was a little too eager to make an impression once I got to class though. (forgot, on the way to class I met some girl who thought I was one of her residents, ended up walking with her all the way to her place, nice but not my type). So I was a little fidgity and nervous, but excited. I eventually chilled out and hit my groove in my next class. But that was the end of it. No more class. Hung out with a buddy of mine who I hadn't seen in awhile, hung out with the roommate, went and chilled with friends and talked a little game and girls and such. It was a solid night.

More class today. My goal is to get a number of a hottie who could be a gatekeeper to more. I want more hot female friends, gotta turn my school into a veritable farm where I take the time to plant the seeds, then reap the crop when it's good and ready.

Sidenote: Fill in more gaps to the subgoals of your overall goal, so you've got a clearly defined path the the large goal9 months from now.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


Last night was my VIP night at McFaddens. No cover for me and anybody who says my name at the door. Good times. It was also their mardigras night.

Pineapple came and picked me up along with a buddy of mine and we headed downtown, took a stop at the boiler room. I always have fun at this place, and my best set of the night, where I worked hardest on the things I set out to try. This girl, Xena, tries to get by me, and says excuse me, I replied "You're not excused" and we started talking. I don't remember all of what she said or me for that matter, but some highlights: I worked on doing mini takeaways like she was losing my attention and had to grab it back, by suddenly looking around the room, or when I got a text message I took the time to read and reply to it. I don't think I really had a method to what I was doing, but it seemed to be working. At one point she asked me to take part in something with her, I thought she said a "covert Op" and I said I was stoked, and we needed callsigns. I told her mine would be Dasani (original right) and she decided hers would be Xena Warrior Princess. I tried to get her to do the eiyeiyeiyeiey thing that Xena does, but she didn't. We parted ways after a respectable interaction, I worked in a bunch of mini takeaways and did my best to hold back on the kino and use my body language not to display full interest by turning away slightly when I wouldn't get compliance.

I grabbed her whole groups attention on my way out and invited them all to come to my VIP event, all they had to do to get in for free was say my name at the door. They were all stoked, and I told the guy next to me my name, Xena perked up "wait, whats your name!"

On the way to Mcfaddens I yelled across the street at a hot two set to come join McFaddens, they just needed my name. they asked for it and said later, I said no.

Got inside, moved around, met up with several of the guys from the lair though I really only spent time with D and Pineapple. I didn't have very many committed sets tonight, I felt like I'd trained myself to be a 15 second champ. I'd go in, throw some stuff out, and be out. I'm not really picking my sets either. I have GREAT situational abilities, and can often run great sets off of totally random things (for instance, I touched hands with a girl on accident as we ended up walking together, and turned to her and said "well I guess we can hold hands" and grabbed her hand and walked with her the next 10 feet), however picking a set and going in with an opener often befuddles me. I'm thinking too hard, I realized on my way home that I didn't even think to use standard openers that I use to get warmed up, things like where is the bathroom, what other clubs are good around here, how long until I can sing karaoke, etc.

I did a little winging where I helped one of the guys from the lair get some good time in his two set, interrupted by a guy, by complimenting him on his jeans and having a whole conversation about jeans. I pawned him onto some other girls who were part of his group, and moved in to occupy the obstacle of the other PUA, talking to her about button down fly's on jeans. She said they were sexy, I mock got on my knees and 'undid' her fly to show her about going down on guys. I was qualifying her on going down on me within a minute of talking to her. "We wouldn't get along"
"because you just said you'd never go down on a guy and that's crucial for me!"
"I have a fiance! THATS why I can't go down on you!"

There was some dude who was coming on STRONG to this group who looked like they didn't want him there, I waited for 30 seconds or so and decided to do something about it. I walked in and started talking to him about his shirt, then the hottie perks up and says "I picked it out!" turns out they were together, maybe having a fight, not sure, but the blond, MILF, turns and starts talking to me and I pulled her in and out of the group, back into a locked in position against a pole. She starts just firing questions at me rapid fire, I stop her at one point and have her tell me something about herself, and I wish I had the exact response but it was something to the effect of "I'm a successful investment broker for a top company here in portland, that guy you were talking to is my employee, I work out, money money money" She was 35 and very sexy for her age, great body, I told her this, another minute or so into the conversation she says blah blah well you're hot, blah blah, I thanked her for the compliment and moved to isolate her in the outside area "hey I havent been outside yet, have you? lets check it out" she is compliant, then the former hottie comes in and becomes the cock block from hell "No, no sorry, she's coming with me, goodbye." In a very commanding, almost annoyed tone, and pulls MILF away from me. MILF pulls my head in close and says "I'll come find you in half an hour."

Well I couldn't leave it up to chance, it was too much of an opportunity to just ignore, so I moved around a bit, came back, and pulled her away from her group discretely. Actually not really, I had a great move in mind, but what happened was I tripped on my way to grab her, wrapped my arms around her to keep myself from falling, turned her in a 180 away from the guys talking to her and pulled her away. She had in the meantime been clawing in and flirting with about every guy who went by, this woman wanted to get FUCKED. According to her, her brother and friend were both there, and very protective "which is why [she] doesn't date" I had her give me her number, she did. I moved off.

Later, the other PUAs pushed me into grabbing her and going for the pull, the problem being transportation, though I was considering a cab. When the time came I pounced, just grabbed her hand and pulled her through the crowd to the outside area. She was very compliant, but she never squeezed or held tight with her hand, I found this odd. We got outside and danced together for a moment and I tried a Ratisse primer, "MILF you better stop dancing with me like this...Otherwise I'm going to end up taking you outside and pulling you home." she replied "That might not be so bad."
"Well lets go get stamped for reentry, and go around the corner for a bite, I know a place, we can come back in later"
"OK, I like your style, Dasani"

I took her hand (same hand pressure) and walked her through the crowd, but then there was a massive people road block that I couldn't get through. She said she saw her brother waving her back over and had to go. I smelled bs but I couldn't see to find out, and it didn't matter anyway.

I met up with the other guys and headed out.

It's important to note that the entire night I varied between a positive energetic state where I was saying things like "TELL MY FRIEND HOW HOTT HE IS, RIGHT NOW!" to which the girl laughed hard, but still cringed in literal fear as I screamed this out over and over (I had a girl do this to me once when she picked up the phone of a girl i was calling while my girl was in the bathroom, she was drunk, i wasn't), and relative neutrality, where nothing effected me positively or negatively.

I find it difficult to work in that neutral state, being interested in who I'm talking to or what is coming out of my mouth becomes a challenge. The trade off is that bad things don't usually effect me very hard if at all, though it's hard to find the motivation to try ballsy things or go for "harder" sets when I'm in that state. Even when that MILF told me I was hott, and I was within inches of pulling her out, I felt no state change, positive or negative. I was just stuck in neutral.

Some miscellaneous things I learned:
*Guys are incredibly easy to win over. A friendly word, a high five, and maybe a compliment, and they suddenly become my best bud and ask me my name.
*Getting guys out of the way technique (learned this awhile ago and forgot to write about it). When I'm in a good positive state, projecting and smiling, I make eye contact with the guy in front of me, then flick my head back, the acknowledgement flick. He flicks it back and moves aside. Simple as that. It works almost too well.

I swear I learned more than that...

Work on:
*Takeaways/attention/the kino involved with these
*Picking my set and opening, rather than letting the set pick me with perfect opening logistics. Gotta just push through that small amount of fear, remember, a year ago you could never have gone out and actually had a good time at your night out and talked with so many strangers(and despite the oppressive neutral emotion, I did have a good time).

Friday, August 22, 2008

Talks with the Millenium and a long time cumming

Tonight when I go out, I'll work on takeaways. Something Millenium does much better than I do is maintain his status as the prize and the person being chased. My current style of game is to just barge in like a dumb ox and eject before I lose my value. I realized that I don't leave room for the other party to chase. We talked about all things game related, but here are some highlights.

-Female sexuality- I still have trouble seeing girls as sexual creatures even though I have MOUNTAINS of evidence from my own experience and outside sources to support that they are. The reason being related to my issues with being the prize. I don't see girls making the effort that I do to get laid, and thus in my own head it makes sense that they are not actually very sexual, even though once they are sexual they are voracious. However, I am operating from a scarcity mindset, and girls are culturally and socially conditioned to operate from an abundance mindset when it comes to dating. They are the ones being courted in their mind (which is why it's so effective and "different" when a guy sets up the frame that she has to win HIM over). Their sexual fantasies and desires involve the place and the mood and what happened before it and what is being worn, etc etc. Whereas a guy's (or at least mine and Millenium's) fantasies are fairly standard; all things sexual in a location, usually the bedroom. Sure I fantasize about how I'd like to do it or how she's sounding or how it feels, but beyond that, not a lot. She takes care of the full picture when she fantasizes. This is because she can get the nuts and bolts whenever or wherever she wants, so the experience of those nuts and bolts becomes more important than the nuts and bolts in and of themselves. I made sense of this with a wealth analogy. When I don't have a lot of money, I think "a lot of money would be great! I could buy shit and travel" but if I had millions, I'd be thinking more along the lines of "I can really play with this investment, and I'd like to start a realestate empire by buying and selling houses, also I want to donate to charity, change up my wardrobe, and pay a sherpa to take me to the top of everest" the experience and uses become more important than the actual money.

-Mindsets of value- When I talked about texting to V, Millenium saw it in a numerical fashion. I had called twice and gotten no answer, and had texted like4-5 times to her 3-4. In his mind, I was lower value because I had spent more effort. In my mind, I saw it more time based. I texted her after I first met her, she responded, I told her I was going to call and I did, she didn't answer. I called again a couple days later, she didn't answer, but texted that she was out of town. Instead of trying to get her on the phone, I waited till I left town and returned again. I texted and she texted back immediately, and then I invited her to my VIP and she said she would come. I also got her facebook and myspace. I saw it as me not being needy, and noticed that she responded promptly to all of my attempts to contacther, even after a full week and a half of no contact she responed to my text immediately. I also saw us as parting on equal planes of value. I had approached direct and she was into it and I got her number. I made her understand that I thought she was cute, but wanted to get to know her first. This whole thing has been totally normal, all I'm doing is structuring the opportunity for us to spend some time together. Millenium sees it as me chasing too hard, but the way we parted, what other way can I play it. I see it as us handling the logistics to our hooking up. Either way I got a lot out of what MIllenium said, and I'll be implementing some.

Tonight: The goal for tonight is to leave room for the other party to chase and express themselves. I also want to incorporate mini takeaways into my interactions during the beginning phases. I will focus on rewarding with things like my touch and attention, rather than giving them fully. I understand this will take time to make natural and to work and will not beat myself up if I don't master it in a night.

A Long Time Cumming
Last night I hung out with a long time friend. We've always had some chemistry, but the times where I've felt it strong enough to make a move, she has been unavailable. She is the one girl who I have been able to express myself fully around before having had sex or crossed the threshold of "She's mine." Which is a challenge I'm dealing with. I literally go into state when I'm in her presence most times, I'm just so comfortable with her. She invited me out to dinner, and I had been fantasizing about her over the summer, so I decided that I wasn't going to make hooking up a non option because of her boyfriend. She confessed to me over dinner that she had cheated on him while away, and I felt a twinge of something though I attempted not to register it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom after a respectable interval so that I could analyze the emotion. I know thats contrary to Tolle wisdom, but for now it helps me a lot. I discovered I was jealous that I wasn't the guy she had hooked up with.

We left dinner and went out to rent a movie. On the car ride I brought up the thing about my brother and my limiting belief. It ended up being a solid vulnerability story, though that was not my intention when I started talking to her. She confessed that she has that same feeling of unnattractiveness about herself, and we explored this somewhat. We brought the movie back here, put it in, and I plopped myself down right next to her, our bodies touching by proximity. This was always my test during the school year, I can't believe I forgot it, to see if she readjusted and moved further away (I got deadly fast at it during the year too), and if not, to make things sexual. I waited about half the movie, allowing anxiety to build in me, unsure if I was going to risk making the move and changing our friendship. It was then that I asked myself a crucial question...

"If I don't make a move, am I comfortable with still being friends with a sexual desire and longing lingering behind our 'friendship'?"

The answer was no. If she rejected me and no longer wanted to be friends, that would be better than being friends with unfullfilled desires on my end of it. I waited a bit, I thought when she readjusted her arms that she was gently touching my arm, testing the waters or trying to tempt me. I made my move. I moved my right arm across her body and grasped her leg, with my left I reached for her face as I turned my head to her. She pulled away and said "Dasani no. I know you want to kiss me. We can't, we want different things.." I replied "Ok" and breathed a huge sigh. My heart was pounding. I grabbed her hand and put it on my heart to have her feel it. She was amazed. I decided not to explain to her that it was the excess adrenaline from waiting so long to do that. She did not move away from me though, so I readjusted her body so that we were spooning. She kept asking if I was ok, thought I was behind her moping that I got rejected. No ma'am. I remembered something I used to say and that Entropy taught me at the U21C. Listen to her behaviors, not her words. She said no, but she cuddled with me. I waited a bit till she turned toward me some, I turned her the rest of the way and eased into the kiss. We madeout, stopped, madeout, stopped, she wanted me, she knew she was probably going to break it off with her BF, but she was going against her values. I did my best not to get logical and explain things and reason with her, and kept my reasons incomprehensible, stealing a mystery line "I wasn't given an instruction book on how to be human." When she went to leave, I put her to the wall and the clothes came off, though not all the way. We never got beyond topless making out, and went to sleep together (though I moved to the floor later in the night, my bed is tiny and I have trouble sleeping next to another person). I'm comfortable not having had sex with her, though I would have liked to, and realize that we may never have sex. This is ok. She is a solid girl and I really like her. She fits my standard (I will not hook up with any girl who I am not interested in making feel good), so I'm proud of myself.

At one point while I had her on top and was moving her hips grinding on me, she moaned SOO HARD and said "oh my god, give me a break" it was awesome.

The last bit before the new bit

I was out of town for a week, out in the wilderness with my family. Then when I got home, I got rear-ended and my car is currently out of commission. This has made going out specifically to meet women more of a challenge, however I've been keeping up in other ways.

Out of town, I made some interesting observations. My oldest brother, years ago the terror of my life, has changed his behavior toward me in huge ways. The level of respect he gives me is unprecedented. The way he reacts to me is new and easily testable. I would jokingly accuse him of doing things, for instance last year he and I went out into the woods with naught but some beer and rifles. I said to my mom, jokingly "...and he made me drink a beer with him too!" and my brother got defensive and said "I did not make you!" He was also taking his behavioral cues off of me. He had a blood lust and really wanted to shoot a small animal, personally I can't stand killing anything, even insects if I can avoid it, so this was not ok with me. I found myself pleading with him not to shoot, "Please man, don't shoot it, don't!" but when I became conscious of the way in which I was using my voice (it is also interesting to note that some Teachers, who should be in command all the time, plead with their students not to behave in certain ways. Coming from a person of authority, pleading is not polite nor effective, and it only reinforces the bad behavior by showing the student that he/she has power over the authority in the classroom.) I changed my tone and my choice of words, and delivered the next line of dialog, "Don't shoot the bird." My brother put down his rifle and we kept walking. This was so powerful for me to see.

I did catch myself falling into old behavioral patterns, such as when I was pleading, or another time when he came at me with fists raised (though not really threatening) and my muscles automatically contracted in the flight portion of the fear response, instead of readying and calming myself for a potential attack, which I'm more than able to deal with at this point. The fact that I'm conscious of all of this, and that as much as I've said (and maybe more) has changed between us, speaks volumes for my personal development. I attribute a lot of this success to my discovery of my limiting belief about my own attractiveness and self worth.

As for the car accident, I was heading home from a night out with three friends, we were unable to enter the freeway because of a large two trailered semi passing us, and as I pulled off the road as far as I could and waited for a free space to get on the freeway, I got hit from behind. The weirdest thing is, I felt no surprise, no fear, no anxiety, not even any anger or disappointment. I literally felt nothing. The weirder than weirdest thing is, my first thought was "I just got in an accident" and my second thought was "this is probably going to help me get laid" followed by the third and most disturbing thought "A person who is in control of his emotions and the situation, who cares for his friends, would ask if everybody is ok" at which point I took that exact action.

The accident portion is obvious. The getting laid part, I had been flirting with one of the girls all night and felt that it was ON, and the sympathy garnered from my car being damaged would cause her to be more touchy to help "sooth" me. I was mostly right about this, though I did not end up getting laid. She is still in the works. We'll call her Hippygirl. But the third part required some thought.

The next day after the accident, I was in a slump all day until I first wrote in my journal and then met up and talked with Millenium. As I wrote, I realized that the reason for my slump, my unidentifiable neutral emotion, was that I was terrified deep down that I did not genuinely care about my friends, that I was acting off of a program or an idea, and not my own genuine feelings. This isn't exactly the way I want to run my life. I learned by writing further, that my mind operates in many unconscious ways that I wasn't even aware I had programmed it to work in, it also works more efficiently and at a faster rate than I give it credit for.

In the instant I was in a wreck, my mind assessed the entire situation. I had been hit, the area had been checked to see if we were going to get into further trouble, the whole sexual issue was mulled over, the well being of myself was taken into account, and also the well being of my friends, followed finally by my course of action, all in the matter of a moment. The important one to notice here, is the well being of myself. It was not that I didn't care for my friends and that I was operating on a program as a social robot. I was ok, totally ok, not even whiplashed. Subconsciously I knew that everybody else was ok too. The program I was operating on was courtesy. This is why I did not feel genuine concern. When my friend trips over a root while walking in the forest but keeps walking, I ask if he's ok out of courtesy. I know he's ok. It was the same with the accident. If I had then observed harm to one of my friends, I would have reacted with concern and possibly more. My mind and self are more efficient than this and thus did not bother with hurting the situation by putting me into an unresourceful negative state.

Thus decided and understood, I was able to emerge from my mental stupor and begin once again to enjoy life.

I feel like sometimes I'm addicted to social interaction. Whether it's with girls or guys. My state instantly improves when I'm talking with people. I've decided not to fight this or change it, as it is useful as of right now. It keeps me social and feeling as though I'm giving value to many of the people I come into contact with. My way of practicing my game this past week has been with short but sweet interactions with near every person I come across. Little quips, short conversations, longer dialogues, and even social experimentation. I was in a great mood one day as I bought my books from the school store, and as I appraoched the line, I saw a family of females. A mom, a cutie, and the little sister. I looked the mom in the eye, put a neutral expression on my face and said seriously "I'm going to be cutting in front you you" the whole pack of them giggled, smiled, and stepped back for me to get in line ahead of them! I stopped briefly in the spot, turned around and laughed, told them I wasnt that mean, and moved behind them. They said they they probably would have just let it happen. I joked with them some more in line, then moved to the cashier. "If my books cost less than $500 I'm going to kiss you" she giggled and we chatted as she rung me up. Final tally...$378. " know what this means right..." I don't recall what she did, though I recall being unsure about what she was doing, and instead of kissing her, I said "kissing you would be unprofessional, so.." and i kissed my hand then patted her on the forehead. I think I made her day.

The shitty guys at work have been gone all week, and everybody else seems to really respect me and enjoy my company and good attitude, today was the last day, so I'm onto school next week.

I've texted with V a little bit. I have this VIP night at a bar tonight, and I invited her to it. Hopefully I'll see her there and I'll have some time to chat with her in between sets. Pull? Perhaps, that would be the best outcome for this night. I'll make a separate post for talking about game things.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

We're comin' hoooOOOooome

Currently I'm back in my hometown, so theres going to be a gap in the FR's. It is what it is (I'm loving that phrase recently!).

Yesterday I had the chance to meet up with one of the girls I've known since the days of yore. She's hardcore christian, and forgive me christians, but one of the few that I've met who has actually examined her beliefs. She's a sweet girl and she's really taking her life in a direction that she wants to. It's fascinating to see the difference between our view points. I resolved to hold nothing back about my sexuality or my views (with the exception of telling her I'm into pickup, I just don't feel like she's ready for that yet, or maybe it's me who isn't ready) of the world. For instance, she wants to be married in the next year or so (she's 19) which REALLY strikes the chord of outrage within me. But I held my tongue and told my judgmental side to shut up. Her life is not mine to control.

I shared my opinion on marriage and how I view it, and it's interesting to note this. In talking with my buddy Millenium the other day, we noticed how in essence we're after the same thing, but we're taking totally different directions to get it. We both want success with women and in life (to put it simply) however I believe that all success will come through being successful with women, I feel like once I get that handled I can focus on what REALLY matters, whereas Millenium focuses more on his lifestyle and the things he does, working to make women a byproduct of what he does. Some people no doubt think I'm going the wrong way about this, by treating success with women as the gatekeeper skill of all things in life, and some may fall closer to my area of the field where they think that as long as you have no success with women, a dark shadow will fall over the rest of your life. But none of that matters, which side you're on, or even if you're on a section of an entirely different field.

What matters is YOUR beliefs, interpretations, and views of any particular issue.

In talking with my girl-friend, I found for the first time (and it's funny to think I never thought of this before), that somebody viewed marriage in an entirely different way from me. Oh the ego. I tend to view marriage as an end. The end of dating, the end of the game, the ultimate goal of finding your soulmate, whatever way you see it, it's the end of something, you've reached the peak and the rest is coasting on the plateau. She doesn't see it that way.

Marriage to her is the next step, the natural progression. She doesn't see it as the end. She doesn't see it as the beginning. Now that I write this I wish I had gone deeper into it, maybe I'll give her a call.

In talking about values with her, one of her highest "moving away from" values was stagnation and a feeling of being trapped. This blew my mind!! Isn't this exactly what you're doing by getting married!? Of course I didn't say this, striving to be nonjudgmental, even if only verbally at first. But FROM HER POINT OF VIEW, from her mindset, from her interpretive stance on what marriage IS, how could it be some place to get stuck if it's the natural progression?

Of course I wish she would take some of my advice in regard to her situation and dating in general, but a lot of it clashes with what she believes. I'll have to trust that she is in as much control of this as she is with the rest of her life, and be happy that she is living to her values.

I told her about HomeRunKing, a good friend of Dream's and a co-speaker at the 2008 Under 21 Convention. I won't shell out too much info on him here as I don't want to disrespect what he told me about himself, but suffice it so say he's a religious, moral dude, who happens to be interested in pickup. I told her about how he shares many of her views, however he wants to have a greater selection of women to choose from so that he knows he's making the right choice. He is experiencing more women, without compromising his values and beliefs. Man I'd like these two to meet, that'd be interesting.

So what I'm trying to say to myself her, is that the path of non-judgment, true non judgment, lies within the concept of empathy and shared human experience. We are all here, together on this planet, and since the beginning of time we've been trying to force our view points on one another, saying that ours is the correct way and any other path will lead to ruin. We're pushing ourselves, from a cradle of shared experience, into twin beds of separation and solitude. In doing this we often create PAIN within ourselves in our attempts to direct and control the lives of others. However, if we can empathize with this other person, to see and feel the situation the way they do, we can let go of the compulsion to project our way of life upon this other person. How can you hate what they do when you fully immerse yourself in it? By seeing it through their eyes, and maintaining our own stance, we can then fully accept their position and who they are, and allow them to just Be.

Like Millenium and I, we're great friends because we recognize that our paths are not mutually exclusive, we both see the virtues in the other's, accept that it is what it is, and enjoy what we do regardless.

Little reminder to myself, though this sounds rad and all writing it down, I will remain open to new views, information, and ideas.

But seriously, somebody spank me cuz I'm BAAAAAD!

Monday, August 11, 2008

FR: I can't find the trigger

I got invited out to a movie by a female friend tonight. I've always felt like this girl and I have potential, but I've never escalated on her, not once. Well she invited me out tonight, so I decided to see what would happen.

We met downtown for a movie at Pioneer, got there a bit early and there was a live band playing in the square. While she went to the bathroom I talked to some dude in an iron maiden shirt, then we went and sat down to watch the show. Next song came on, I tried to grab her hand to get up and dance (other people were up dancing already, she and I have danced a lot together before, so it shouldn't have been a big deal) but she pulled away and said no. I persisted, she was just embarrassed about dancing in front of the spectators. I told her I was gunna pick her up, she said she wasn't going, so I picked her up and carried her onto the dance floor. We danced and it was fun, then we headed to the movie.

This puzzles me. We sat down in our seats and commented on how soft they were and she said "gosh and even the armrests move, so you can push one up and cuddle if you want" and then never put the armrest down. I have no idea why I didn't go, "oh my gosh thats a great idea, cmere" and pulled her in, but we spent the whole movie with a gap without an armrest between us. I kept saying to myself "if she would just give me a clear sign I could escalate, I don't feel a fear of escalation when I know it's on, but I don't know if its on or not" This is not empowering thinking. I want to operate from a mindset where I'm going off of my cues. If I WANT to pull her in and hold her, then I do, and if she doesn't want it, no big deal.

After the movie we decided to make it a "double feature" by sneaking into an adjacent theater for a different movie. We don't usually do things like that, so the adventure was exhilarating, and I was amazed that the inspiration had come from her. Good opportunity to reward her, "you know, I'm shocked that this was your idea...i didn't know you had that adventurous side, that's kinda sexy." Didn't do that though. We just watched another movie.

I walked her to her car, she drove me to mine, and she said "have fun at going home" and we hugged and I left. No idea if she was very subtly communicating that I should take her with me. Thinking back I could have thrown out something innocuous, like the Wii (credit, Dream), " Our house just got a Wii, its so fun, come over and put in a little time on it with me" And then gone from there. I mean honestly, in highschool if I girl came over to my place at 1 am, I wouldn't have cared what the excuse was, I would have made it happen. What happened to that belief? Lol I used to think if a girl came over alone PERIOD, that it was on. Time to readopt that little gem of a mind set.

Weak shit tonight, but this is ok. It is creating reference experiences in my mind, linking PAIN to a lack of escalation. Linking pleasure to escalation will be about the easiest thing in the world. Get enough pain associated to not escalating, and enough pleasure to going through with it, and I'll dissolve this challenge.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

FR: I'd Do Anything For Love

Tonight I hit up a house party nearby where I live before heading downtown to meet up with one of the guys from the lair. The party was fun, and usually I'm really uncomfortable at house parties (unless they're at my house), but for some reason I felt pretty alright. As I was leaving I started to have a real good time for some reason, so I walked up to a buddy I hadn't seen in awhile, spanked him, and started talking. Suddenly I got spanked from behind. This hottie from my freshman year is there, we'll call her Books. "Dasani! I have't seen you in forever!" I pull her into a hug and she loves it, we talk a little bit, I had written her a note the other day when she was at work and she loved that, but I was leaving, so I pulled her in for "a thai clinch hug" and she brought up her knee and wrapped her leg around me, so I grabbed it and pulled her in tight, probably could have isolated and escalated, but I was on a mission and it didn't cross my mind. She giggles and we separate and I go.

I met up with K from the lair outside Kells and we proceeded to Mcfaddens. I love that place. We did a little circuit and I talked to a couple people on the way, one girl had this huge cooler looking bag thing and I said something to the effect of "Oh wow! You remembered to bring your lunch this time! Did your mom pack it or did you?" We joked a little for a minute before she kept going. Note to self, you stopped her, now is the time to commit her to an interaction with you. I had some more goofy interactions, went outside and started talking to this blonde chick who moved people out of my way, I told her she could be my personal body guard. We played around in that sandbox a bit, she pulled her shirt down to reveal more of her cleavage in immitation of what she would do to protect me, blah blah, I eject. Again, I'm ejecting to preserve my value, but I'm not taking these sets anywhere. With that one, what I could have done is moved around her so that she had to back turn her friends to talk to me, then started trying to qualify. Note to self: write out some qualifications so you're not winging your qualifying.

There was a point where I realized I was only doing safe sets where I had very little chance of being blown out, so I called out, enough of this pussy shit, and went and opened this lonely looking girl by walking up and and introducing myself. Right after the opener I spun her out of her seat and took it, but I didn't have a lot to say to her. I ejected again. Next time go for broke. K opened a three set by the window, very receptive, he got opened by this hottie as we passed the bar, didn't hear much of what went down.

At one point I was moving through the crowd, and this girl shoved this guy out of my way so I could get through, he thought it was me and turned around and got pissed, I sort of acknowledged him then focused on the girl. Apparently, according to K, the dude was trying to start something with me because he "didn't like my tone" but i didn't hear a word of it. I didn't even know the dude was trying to project on me, he was so far outside my reality. Love that.

There was this bachellorette set, the bachellorett was giving me massive eye contact so I stopped and she said hey, I said hey, then one of the girls asked me if I could do a magic trick. They had this deck of cards that had various tasks for them to find guys to do such as "find a guy who has washboard abs" I didn't know any magic tricks, but the next card was find a guy who can talk dirty to you in a foreign language. One of my favorite things to do is talk to girls in french when we're fooling around, everything sounds beautiful/dirty depending on your tone, and they don't even know what I'm saying. So I pulled the one girl in and started, her friends loved it and the girl started moaning and getting into it, totally faking, but still awesome. They had another card that was to find a guy to serenade them. I'm not one to turn down singing. I know I was being a dancing performing monkey, but I was having a blast. So I pulled the bachelorette in and sang the first part of "I'd do anything for love" by meatloaf. It was amazing. All the girls exploded with love for me, I got multiple "you are so awesome" and ridiculous compliance with one of the girls. I gave her a kiss on the cheek for a reward, she gave me one back, normally I'd say cue makeout, but she then told me "blah blah my husband blah blah." Turns out they're all married. go figure. Still a fun group of girls.

K and I headed out shortly thereafter and stood and talked for awhile about education and pickup, good times.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

FR: BBQ and House Party and Standing Up

This entry reads more like an actual journal than an FR, whatever.

One of the girls I met early on into the community is leaving the country in a couple days, and she invited me to her going away BBQ. She's somebody I always had fun with, but never had a vibe with and never sexually escalated with.

The BBQ was fun, when I came in, I just took over the room and had everybody laughing within a few seconds (like 5 or so people), and then just slowed down and chilled while more people filtered in and out. It was good to see her again, got some fun pictures together and met one of her very hot friends. Perhaps I'll see her out on the town. I'll miss this girl a little bit.

After that I went over to a friend's birthday party. Decided to do a little drinking and just make loud commentary to the olympic opening ceremony that we were all watching. We made a pseudo drinking game out of it, and it's the hardest core drinking game imaginable because you only get to play it every four years. Pretty hilarious stuff.

Some more people showed up and I just did the social butterfly thing, flitting around and just having fun. The cutest girl at the party, still not that cute, shows up and we start talking, blah blah blah, she says something about her fiance, almost in the same breath as telling me she's "almost 19" and I just stood up and said "good night" and walked away. I'm very opinionated when it comes to people getting married so young, but I have to realize that it is what it is, and my next action with this girl was certainly not one that came from a core value of loving acceptance. I had already pissed her off a little, but I ended up sitting a couple feet away from her talking to a friend of mine, and I don't know how it came up but I said something like "at least I'm not getting married at 19" and she just flipped the fuck out. Rightly so. Wrong move, me. This is not the person I want to be, or the person I am. However in my somewhat drunk state I wasn't monitoring my communication and holding myself to my values and standards. There is no reason to be spreading a negative vibe and to just be a dick because somebody is making a decision I don't agree with.

I left shortly thereafter and went home to play Wii with my housemates.

This next part isn't "the field" in the traditional sense, it's at work. When I work, I'm a very compliant, upbeat, positive guy. I believe I'm there to get the job done, and I don't care who you are or what you ask me to do, as long as you're polite, I have no problem doing it. Unfortunately, some people like to mistake this "get the job done compliance" for me being a bitch. And unfortunately, until yesterday, I let them treat me like one. At my last job there was a higher standard for the people who worked there and the kind of behavior that is acceptable, as such I was treated as one of the top guys in my department with this same kind of behavior. At my present job, the mentality is to do as little work as possible without getting in trouble, so if there's something to be done (and since I'm so willing to get the job done) it's like "hey, lets get Dasani to do it while we sit on our thumbs." This was not a problem until a couple weeks ago. These guys I work with, N and A, are addicted to anger and have no idea where their states come from or how affected they are by it. When they're angry, there is nothing I can do right.

Actually I'm going to save most of this for my actual journal, here is the meat. Suffice it so say I had been treated like a bitch for a couple weeks by this point, and when I'm trying to be upbeat and positive, these kinds of things really tear at me because I've done nothing to deserve it.

A was gone, it was me, N, and the older guys in the shop. I'm doing one job and N is bringing me the material to do it, kinda like a bucket line. He is not getting me the material fast enough, and had previously bitched at me for not doing the same (they had a huge surplus so I stood for a moment and fiddeled with my ipod "Dasani, too much standing, get us more" in a tone of "jesus you always do this, I'm trying so hard to be nice but you're just so difficult" when this was my first "offense" of the day.

Everybody is standing around, he is texting, and he says "Dasani, go get some more bricks." For once I am not listening to music and I'm not in a negative state (at work), I respond calmy, from a state of understanding what is going on, "Ok I will, but what are you going to do while I'm doing that?" he says something to the effect of "it doesn't matter, do what I tell you, go get some bricks." I say, calmly, I'll get back to work when he does. He starts getting pissed off and I started feeling his anger and letting it take over me. This guy had been walking over me for weeks, and I was about to show him I had fangs too.

He starts going off, so I treated him like a roudy bitch in a set. I turned away from him and started teasing one of the older guys, "J! What did you do to N! Is he always like this or did you say something mean to set him off!" With a playful tone and smile. J starts laughing, as does the rest of the group, except N of course. He tries to say something, I cut him off, theres a few lines of dialog I don't remember, and then I say something like "you've got such a great attitude N, you know what, we should hang out. Lets go sing Karaoke, I like that!" everybody is confused by this nonsensical response and starts laughing, N is tooled. I get back to work and allow myself to smile, hell I had even tooled him through my value of loving acceptance. If he wanted to go sing I gladly would have! I had a lot of adrenaline going, and it took conscious effort to keep from shaking. I knew N would retort, I was just waiting.

He comes back by insulting the way I work, telling me I don't do anything right, and how I just sit around and do nothing. I could have explained to him that he and A make a conscious effort to exclude me from jobs a lot of the time so that they can feed their anger addiction by getting upset at me for not working, but he was emotional and I really felt no need to justify myself to anybody there. They all know I work hard. I admit, sometimes I'm like a car without a driver and I need direction or orders, but tell me what to do and I get the fucking job done, and well.

He continues insulting, I shoot some jabs back but never sink to that level. I just let him fume and get pissed off. Mostly I just talked to the other guys and got them laughing and having a good time, one of the older guys directly complimented me in front of N, "dude, I just dig your sense of humor." Next time, I'll immediately frame his behavior as insecure, so that if he continues it, he is only adding strength to my position. Not sure how to do this exactly, maybe something like "I read somewhere that deeply insecure and unhappy people have a propensity toward anger and emotional outbursts." Of course I don't usually speak that articulately, but something to that effect. First thing out of his mouth will be "I'm not even angry, I just don't like you" or something like that, so I'll cut him off with "cool man." and get back to work. God being unreactive in a situation like this, where somebody is attempting to cut you down in front of your superiors (on the job) and is actively trying to damage you, when you're not in a club or a bar already having a good time, is so hard!!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

FR: Managing State

Tonight I headed out to First Thursday. My question is this...Where the fuck have I been? First Thursday is AWESOME!!

So much cool stuff and great art, I wish I had money sometimes.

I was in high spirits getting there, and I talked with a couple of different groups on the way there, just asking where to go, and some small talk with some bouncers.

By the time I got there, I was in a terrible state. I thought I had a look of cheerful curiousity on my face, but I didn't quite feel it, so I looked at myself in a reflection and started laughing immediately. I looked terrified, hahahaha. This broke my pattern somewhat, and when I finally found the epicenter of the event, I brightened up a little.

I talked with a shop keeper selling journals bound in old books. I mentioned how one of the students I worked with hated to write, so I had him write in a journal to help him get used to it, and how he had one of these journals. The guy asked if it helped him to learn to enjoy writing, I told him it had, he replied "Wow. That's probably the best thing I've ever heard regarding this, thank you." It felt great to have accidentally struck the right cord with this guy. I resolved that tonight's mission would be to bring joy like that to other people. So I walked off to give compliments to five randoms.

Some girl on her yellow outfit. A celloist on his music (amazing stuff). A girly girl on her shoes. A girl with tattoos that matched the flower in her hair. And an artist with really interesting bug eyed girl art.

Also talked to some people as I browsed stuff. Tonight, I decided, was about emotional control. I went in with a terrified look on my face, and I walked out with a smile. I just have to realize that people are friendly, and though I was out "alone" it is impossible to be truly alone in this city. There are people everywhere just brimming with stories to tell, and I want to find out what they are. Also I dig girls with that dark hair in the flapper bob cut look. Wow.

I have to realize that I'm being really hard on myself in my head sometimes. I worry that "oh man, I'm not feeling good about this, it's going to be like this forever, blah blah blah" Shut up mind. This is the second day that I've been out alone for street/day game and I've done some approaches. Last winter was the last time I "resolved" to do this and I couldn't even reach my meager goals, now I've reached each goal I've set each night. This is awesome progress. Go me!


I've been reading Awaken The Giant Within by Anthony Robbins and I've just finished the chapter on values. Firstly, I wrote out my current value system. The whole time I wrote I wondered if I was being honest with myself (funny, one of the things on my "moving away from" values list was Self Deciet), but I think I did a fair job. The idea of this chapter is to allow you to understand why you think and behave the way that you do by interpreting your behaviors through your prioritized list of values. Here is my original list...

  1. independence
  2. comfort
  3. achievement
  4. emotionally in control
  5. positivity
  6. fun
  7. contribution
  8. feeling of strength
  9. intimacy
  10. Peace
To interpret them all and give examples of how they have shaped my life would take too long, instead I'll move onto the next step, and that is to take conscious control of your value system, and thus take control of a huge portion of what drives your behavior.

This is my new list of values...

  1. Loving Acceptance
  2. Emotionally in Control
  3. Honesty
  4. Positivity
  5. Fun/Playfulness/Happiness
  6. Being Able
  7. Passion
  8. Achievement/Growth
  9. Contribution
  10. Intimacy
  11. Determination
  12. Flexibility
When I realized that there was no place on my original list for love or acceptance or forgiveness, I was struck by the realization of how MASSIVELY my view of the world and how I communicate with people in it would change if my highest priority was to love and accept all those around me. Even if that means staying away from them in order to allow them to Be as they are, to accept them and have the capacity to love them for it and not attempt to impose myself or any negativity I may feel regarding them, on them.

When I realized this, I broke down and cried. I've sabotaged so many things in my life and closed myself off emotionally to all but my closest friends (and I no doubt will continue to for awhile until this new value becomes conditioned in my nervous system), simply because love and acceptance were not anywhere near the top of (or had even come to mind as I wrote) my list.

I will strive to uphold my newest list of values. And as Flexibility is part of the list, I assert that I WILL make any changes to the list that I think are necessary as my path unfolds. It is one thing to know what I want, it is another to blindly follow it even if it is leading me to ruin.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Inspiration for the title of my blog

FR: Building Better Balls

Wow day game scares the bejesus out of me. But I set a goal and I went out and did it.

I went downtown, very in my head, not in the best state. I had a great chance to talk a little when there was a sign over the mall door that said the door wasn't working. I noticed there were doors to either side and walked up and opened one of them. The older woman behind me kinda goes "oh!" and I turned around and said "OH I know! You don't even have to tell me how smart I am for figuring out how to get through the door on the LEFT!" She laughed and we talked a little as we walked, I had just driven down and my back had been sticking to my seat so I asked her if my back was sweaty, she said no and talked about young peoples clothes. This was a very solid interaction, the type I'd like to have with every random stranger I meet.

I decided to use my new "back sweat" opener, got scared on one girl because there was some dude behind her (One thing that makes me really nervous that I'll strive to overcome is approaching girls when other people are within ear shot. This doesn't even cross my mind in a club setting, but in the day...ugg). I walked into one of the stores and approached the sales girl and asked if my back was sweaty. She giggled and checked me and said no, I thanked her and left. Maybe a good disqualifier...Who says that kind of thing?

I decided to walk the streets and head over to a book store. Missed a lot of good opportunities, it is so easy to make excuses during the day, "she's on her phone, she looks angry, she's carrying something" etc. I managed to get to the book store and, amazingly, there were probably 10 or so girls, totally alone, that I saw as I went through. Easy right. Well it should have been. I browsed books forever and ever before finally I watched a totally normal dude make a bad approach and was like "hey! That guy just had the balls to talk to that girl, time to man up!!" So I found the next alone girl and walked up, grabbed a book off the shelf that it may have been obvious I had no interest in reading, and opened with "Hey, what's a good book you can recommend, I've been wandering forever and haven't found anything that catches my eye." She smiled and said she didnt know, for a second I got pushy and said "really? Nothing at all?" and then I caught myself and remembered a lesson I'm trying to internalize after my last FR. Give her room to chase, or in this case, room to express herself. So I trailed off my sentence and just stood silently, looking at her and waiting for her to respond. She started talking. Amazing! We chatted briefly on literature, then she told me she's going to russia, and we talked about russia and traveling. Honestly, she was cute, but I didn't find her that attractive, although she was very nice, so I ejected politely after a few minutes of conversation. We passed eachother later and smiled. That is also something I'd like to do for people, give them a temporary friend and an enjoyable interaction that boosts their mood or maybe even makes their day.

Even after this I still didnt do another approach in the bookstore, and ended up wandering the streets for an hour or so. I told myself I wasn't allowed to leave until I had committed myself to a direct daytime approach. After tons of missed opportunities, I finally saw an Indian girl walking alone toward me. Although I had no expectation for it to work, I pushed through the fear that had been gripping me for most of the night, trusting in my ability to stop moving people. I did. "hey!" She stopped and looked at me blank faced, "I think you're kinda cute who are you" spilled out of my mouth, I even registered a bit of the creepy vibe. She kinda looked shifty eyed, then turned and continued walking, not a single peep in response. I was elated. I did it! I said I would and I did. And imagine if I stay consistent with this, sure it was hard today, but if I did it once a day for the next week? Pshhhh, not to mention the extra practice at my job and when I go out to bars and clubs. Hell yeah, the rejection didn't even hurt. Not one bit.

So the question I have for myself is, what am I afraid of? I know part of it is that other people will hear me, and I know that's weak shit and I'll eventually get over it. But when a girl is alone...what is holding me back?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Goals, Challenges, and Attitude

I'll try to keep this short.

I'm writing up some goals for myself, I'll put a couple of the main ones here.

1. I want to get to a point with pickup and women where I feel that I am qualified to teach beginning guys and have enough insight to give even experienced veterans a fresh perspective and something valuable. The deadline I am setting for this goal is May 2009. By then, If I stay consistent, it is almost impossible to miss this goal. By doing this, I will be unlocking much of my potential to do just about anything.

2. I want to open up a bank account specifically for saving money for trips and adventures. In addition to now having money to do things like head off to far away lands and conventions, it will also teach me a thing or two about managing my finances, which is very important and I haven't been doing so well with recently.

Tonight instead of going out I let one of the guys from the lair talk me into going to a "men's circle." I was curious about what goes on there and figured it couldn't hurt so I went.

I won't go into detail because I'll begin to rant. Lets just preface by saying I'm restarting my 10 day mental challenge tomorrow. The group, though it had a good intent, ended up just being a bunch of men who are dissatisfied with life spilling their souls about their problems. I tried this, to be vulnerable and open, and it felt good to let it out, but I felt immediately judged by the other men as they started to, basically, cross examine me and try to lead me to their conclusions instead of letting me draw out my own. The group talked a lot about not making judgements and not being judgmental, but I haven't seen so much judging, from myself also, in years. The whole room reeked of negative energy and I was overcome by it. I wanted to tell people how to behave to fix their problems, tell them to quit whining, tell them to man up. I tried to put a positive spin on most of what I said, I realize this now and I'm glad of it, but most guys would end on a note that was akin to the protagonist of a movie dying and the screen fading to black.

And look I've started to rant. By the time I got home I was actually ready to snap. I allowed my negativity that I garnered from the meeting to fill me up and take me over. To put it in Tolle terms, my pain body raised its ugly head and I mistook it for me. I'm going to stop ranting now.

Tomorrow, or rather 11 minutes from now, I restart my mental challenge. There is positivity to be found in all of this, if nothing more than the discovery that I don't ever want to go to a men's circle again.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Positive Beginnings

Today is/was probably the best day possible for starting this blog off. My purpose here, primarily, is to keep track of my progress, and also get leverage on myself to continue making progress, in the field of pickup (as well as life). I'll no doubt post some great things and some ludicrous things on here, so I'll ask myself as well as my fanbase to keep in mind that everything I say on here is subject to change. I'm always learning more and seeing from new angles.

(FR lower down the page)

I've been re-reading the first half of Awaken The Giant Within by Anthony Robbins, and I've finally gotten to the chapter on the Ten Day Mental Challenge (10 days of uninterrupted positivity. if you start to think negatively, you start the challenge over). I stopped reading at this same point about a year ago because I promised myself I would not continue reading until I had finished the challenge, and I never managed it. However, today was Day 1 of the challenge (and last night was a killer lead in, more later) and I kicked it off proper like.

Some friends and I got together and went boating/tubing/wakeboarding/swimming on the river. Amazing. On the way there I told them all about the challenge and challenged them to partake in it. It became a sort of serious running joke the entire day. Everybody tried their hardest to make everything immensely positive, no matter what. I spent most of the day laughing uncontrollably and just having an absurdly fun time with my friends.

The crazy thing is, about everything that could go wrong with the trip went wrong, but because of the immense amount of positive thinking, we didn't even realize until the trip was over. We got up at 6:30am so that we could get to the boat launch before the crowds, by 8 am we were there, the sky was overcast, the air was cold, and nobody was at the launch. We went tubing anyway. Around 9:30 or so we set up camp on a little island, the weather was still cold enough to wrap up in a sweatshirt and a towl, so instead of moping around we started going jumping jacks and playing like little kids. More boating, more water, finally the sun came out about 2pm and some more friends showed up. Now we had about 13 people for a boat that seats 6, so we had to share all the time in the water. No complaints anywhere. By the end, in taking the extra group of people back to the boatlaunch so that they could leave, the boat ran out of gas just as it got back to the island to pick up me and my group. We had to use the tiny reserve propellor to get back. What should have been a 5 minute ride turned into 45 minutes. But positivity ruled out again, we decided it was "a relaxing way to end such an awesome day." Unreal.

The power of positivity is absolutely amazing. I didn't even realize all of those things had gone awry until a friend brought it up, laughing about how much fun we had despite it all.

Now last night and the pickup portion...

FR: Positive State
I spent the first part of my day at work, conventiently this involved approaching strangers so it is good that I have a job that keeps my social skills sharp, or at least on the level. I felt myself slipping into state toward the end of the day, though I was ready to leave.

I called up one of my wings and we arranged to meet up downtown. We did a lot of walking for the first bit and not a lot of approaching, I realized I was expecting my wing to take the lead and do the first approaches. Ziff! Out with that idea. We went into a Karaoke bar and I opened a friendly looking group around the guy singing by asking how long the wait was, they were positive and receptive and that was all I wanted, to come in, be normal, and get out feeling good. I started singing along to the guy on stage, just pumping my own state, I absolutely love to sing, and some girl came up and gave me a look as she was going by, I grabbed her arm and told her to hold on.

At this point I had nothing to say to this girl, but I was still having an awesome time, so I just looked at her silently with some kind of, I guess to follow the theme, positive look on my face. I then shook my head and said I thought she was somebody else, prepared to eject. She started up on this whole philosophical view point on how you shouldn't waste time figuring out how you know a person because you miss out on the important things that are actually going on. I liked that. We exchanged names and talked a little more before she continued her trek to the bar.
A dude started singing Eminem on stage. I couldnt resist singing along. A total milf in front of me was singing and doing some sexy dancing and moved a little too close to me, so I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her in saying something to the effect of "you might as well come all the way in then." We danced and she loved me. She was definitely drunk but absolutely attracted, she told me she was with a group of doctors, I told her I'm a student and have no money. I was touching her like crazy, and I always do this when I'm in set, I touch everybody A LOT right off the bat. To me this is comfortable and dominant. I usually hook pretty hard. But I wonder if it isn't a little needy to be touching so much so soon. Seriously, I'm touching almost the whole time, like at the high point of everything I say. We keep talking a bit, it's clear shes into me, so I go for a makeout, but no dice. My wing suggests later that maybe she was married. I didn't check for a ring, but her friend did come in and try to steal her away.

I talked to a couple more girls in passing on my way out, my wing said he "wasn't feeling it" and wanted to go to a different place. He later said he doesn't think he likes night game anymore. Hmmm... We walk the streets for awhile, my wing doesn't approach. We find the next place to go, McFaddens, and head inside. I start to hit state right away, I'd been here once before and had a great night. I start talking to people. I talk to everybody. I'm of the opinion that talking to everybody is not only fun, but it puts you into a positive conversational mood and boosts your emotional state. I did A LOT of sets here, so I'll put down the ones I remember.

This bored looking girl sitting alone, I approached and said god knows what about her sitting there alone. She perks up having somebody to talk to, but it's clear this is going nowhere. I remembered when Zebra was talking about spewing out emotional babble at girls, and one line in particular. So I said to this girl, "fuck it, I'm going to put you in a fucking box." She loved it. Shortly though, her friends came over and I bailed, as it still was not going anywhere.
Another girl alone against a wall, small talk, nothing big. One of my former RA's, an absolutely sexy red head, saw me passing the dance floor and pulled me on, she didn't know I was 21 already. She may have a small crush on me. This would be rad.

I saw who I thought was the same sad girl who I said I'd put in a box sitting in the same chair, so I walked over and said "look, I already put you in your box, and you're STILL HERE ON THIS CHAIR!" She immediately perked up and started laughing and joking, I wasn't going to let it stale out as easily this time, so I said "look, I'm trying to hit on you here and you're just making it difficult sitting around like this" She starts with the telling me how cute my curls are, and asks me my name and tells me hers. Wait a second, I thought I met this girl already. Nope, different girl, but she responded amazingly to the stuff I said that was geared toward the former girl. 100% belief in what I was saying I suppose. Again I eject. I don't remember why. It wasnt right after she said that stuff, its just all kind of a haze now. I tried a dancefloor approach but it didnt go so well, the girls danced near me, one guy protected one of them, and the other turned halfway away. Whatever, onward!

My wing still had not opened a single set at this point. He kept talking about how none of these girls reach his standards and how he doesn't waste time opening sets that don't fit his very specific parameters "when I go out I might see 2-3 girls who meet my standards." Honestly? He also doesn't believe in social proof because "when your game is strong enough, none of that matters." I agree, but why make things harder by being the creepy guy in the club who stands against a post or wall, not smiling, not talking to anybody, not having a good time (because you "don't depend on state"), trying to swoop in and snipe out the one particular girl that meets your "standards." He finally found the girl he wanted, and waited for the perfect opportunity to approach. I see it and tell him to go, he says just a minute more. She walks off onto the dance floor. He gets pissed off. DUH. He sees her later, in a less perfect situation, and approaches direct. She turns completely away from him and says she has a boyfriend before he finishes his sentence. Goooooo figure. Waited all night for that one perfect approach and got blown out immediately. I try to communicate to him that being social is attractive, fun, and puts you into a powerful state. I also communicate that, in my opinion, a girl is only below your standards if, given a situation where she was dressed up in sexy lingerie sitting on your bed begging to be fucked by you, you would say no. If you wouldn't absolutely say no to that situation, she is AT LEAST approach worthy.

He is engaging in what I like to call "Trapward Rationalization." Trapward Rationalization is when you have so much pickup theory in your head, or an ego that blinds your good judgment, that you backward rationalize your afc/chode behavior as being very attractive/effective/money behavior. IE: Not approaching a gorgeous girl because shes not your type/looks like a skank/etc. The reason this is Trapward Rationalization is because you may not be conscious of your true reasons for engaging in said chodey behavior. Thus you have fallen into the trap of your own backward rationalization, and thanks to the flexibility of the english language, I have coined a new term.

Anyway, I continue to rock the house. I realized that I was in state, and as powerful as it was and as much fun as I was having, I was not getting the results I wanted. This is due to several things. One, I'm just winging shit. This works out alot of the time, but in the case of this one very attractive girl, was just not the right idea. I opened her with something about how her serious vibe was contaminating the area. She just turned and stared at me. I honestly was not bothered by this in the slightest so I just stared right back. We both started smiling and she said whats up. I said nothing. And then had nothing to say. I kept just staring at her expectantly. This was not working and may have been weird. She said a little more. I had nothing of value to say. She shit tests me on my age. I say something lame like "Sucks for you that I'm so young." She gave me ample opportunities to attract her and I didn't measure up.

I'm much more present in my interactions I've noticed. I slow down and take my time with my words and consider my responses. I saw this girl with massive tits, very cute, with a large hulking friend. I walk up to her and say "You...are phenomenally cute...who are you" She introduces herself and asks my name. I've been blown out before with this same direct opener because I just flew in and rattled it off like she should just jump my bones immediately. This girl, V, ends up going to get some shots, I said I'd be back. I saw her later (last set of the night, on my way out, literally at the door!) and walked in, "omg you're back!" "of course, I'm a man of my word!" We talk a bit and I tell her I'm leaving, and I want her number. She is reluctant for a second and I continue "listen, give me your number, I'll give you a call and if we get along on the phone, maybe we'll hang out sometime. I promise nothing but conversation" She says she also promises that and asks me to give her my number, I say "no, girls don't call" and she said "nah uh! Here give it to me, I'll call your phone right now" So what was at first a very soft close starts to get a little harder. Her friend ejects to the bathroom, V stays. She calls my phone, I tell her my phone number. When I get out the area code she flips out "omg you're from washington!? Seattle area!?" I tell her my home town, she's from like 40 minutes away, I joke that my soccer team always beat her town's. She is so stoked that we are from the same area. The close gets a little harder, mirroring my dick as I look at that rack. Holy shit. I was very proud of myself for this one, I picked a girl I felt an instantaneous gut level attraction for, I walked up, and I #closed. Go me.

There was another girl that I had like 3 totally random interactoins with. She kept getting in my way and I'd make a huge joking deal about it. She came and said goodbye to me but I didnt really hear her. I put it together when I saw her walking out the door, I yelled at her to come back, she did, and I tried to grab her number, she said she has a BF, I said "I don't want to be your BF, i've known you for 17 seconds." She persists and we hug and she leaves. Oh well."

Talked with a friendly bachelorette set outside. Talked with an older asian woman, she seemed to enjoy it but she bailed. I tried to signal a pissed looking girl over to me by pointing at her and gesturing. She shook her head no. Normally this would shake me a little but I didn't care in the slightest. Noice. I walked up to this black girl that had given me crazy eye contact earlier in the night that I didnt capitalize on, she was giving me eyes again. "omg you're the one with the eye contact!" She replied, extremely offended "What are you even talking about! I saw you like one time, blah blah blah" she is almost freaking out because of one little comment that wasnt even meant to be taken badly, I tell her "no, I liked that, I think it shows a lot of confidence" she keeps freaking out, I say to her "listen, obviously I've hit the wrong buttons here, this was in no way my intention, I apologize, I didn't mean to offend you, pleasure to meet you, good night" And walk away. This shook my state a little bit, I don't like offending people, but I know it was more her than me in this case. She was pissed to begin with, I just got the brunt of it.

Some random girl thrust an open beer into my hands and walked off. I took the beer up to a friendly looking dude, told him where I got it, and gave it to him. Based on the look on his face, he thought I was a genuinely nice cool guy. You're welcome bro, I just prefer the taste of my gum.

There was probably more, but thats all thats coming to mind right now. I texted V while I was typing this, I texted and forgot, part of my new mindset, I'll write about that tomorrow maybe.
10-15 mins later, V:"Whats up"
"My day was one of the best ive had in recent memory. tell you about it tomorrow, i'm beat"

All I wanted to do was get her to text back, so that she would be ready for me to give her a call. I'll call her tomorrow, and if she's cool on the phone, maybe I'll set up a meetup.

I'm out!