Monday, August 11, 2008

FR: I can't find the trigger

I got invited out to a movie by a female friend tonight. I've always felt like this girl and I have potential, but I've never escalated on her, not once. Well she invited me out tonight, so I decided to see what would happen.

We met downtown for a movie at Pioneer, got there a bit early and there was a live band playing in the square. While she went to the bathroom I talked to some dude in an iron maiden shirt, then we went and sat down to watch the show. Next song came on, I tried to grab her hand to get up and dance (other people were up dancing already, she and I have danced a lot together before, so it shouldn't have been a big deal) but she pulled away and said no. I persisted, she was just embarrassed about dancing in front of the spectators. I told her I was gunna pick her up, she said she wasn't going, so I picked her up and carried her onto the dance floor. We danced and it was fun, then we headed to the movie.

This puzzles me. We sat down in our seats and commented on how soft they were and she said "gosh and even the armrests move, so you can push one up and cuddle if you want" and then never put the armrest down. I have no idea why I didn't go, "oh my gosh thats a great idea, cmere" and pulled her in, but we spent the whole movie with a gap without an armrest between us. I kept saying to myself "if she would just give me a clear sign I could escalate, I don't feel a fear of escalation when I know it's on, but I don't know if its on or not" This is not empowering thinking. I want to operate from a mindset where I'm going off of my cues. If I WANT to pull her in and hold her, then I do, and if she doesn't want it, no big deal.

After the movie we decided to make it a "double feature" by sneaking into an adjacent theater for a different movie. We don't usually do things like that, so the adventure was exhilarating, and I was amazed that the inspiration had come from her. Good opportunity to reward her, "you know, I'm shocked that this was your idea...i didn't know you had that adventurous side, that's kinda sexy." Didn't do that though. We just watched another movie.

I walked her to her car, she drove me to mine, and she said "have fun at going home" and we hugged and I left. No idea if she was very subtly communicating that I should take her with me. Thinking back I could have thrown out something innocuous, like the Wii (credit, Dream), " Our house just got a Wii, its so fun, come over and put in a little time on it with me" And then gone from there. I mean honestly, in highschool if I girl came over to my place at 1 am, I wouldn't have cared what the excuse was, I would have made it happen. What happened to that belief? Lol I used to think if a girl came over alone PERIOD, that it was on. Time to readopt that little gem of a mind set.

Weak shit tonight, but this is ok. It is creating reference experiences in my mind, linking PAIN to a lack of escalation. Linking pleasure to escalation will be about the easiest thing in the world. Get enough pain associated to not escalating, and enough pleasure to going through with it, and I'll dissolve this challenge.

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