Wednesday, August 6, 2008

FR: Building Better Balls

Wow day game scares the bejesus out of me. But I set a goal and I went out and did it.

I went downtown, very in my head, not in the best state. I had a great chance to talk a little when there was a sign over the mall door that said the door wasn't working. I noticed there were doors to either side and walked up and opened one of them. The older woman behind me kinda goes "oh!" and I turned around and said "OH I know! You don't even have to tell me how smart I am for figuring out how to get through the door on the LEFT!" She laughed and we talked a little as we walked, I had just driven down and my back had been sticking to my seat so I asked her if my back was sweaty, she said no and talked about young peoples clothes. This was a very solid interaction, the type I'd like to have with every random stranger I meet.

I decided to use my new "back sweat" opener, got scared on one girl because there was some dude behind her (One thing that makes me really nervous that I'll strive to overcome is approaching girls when other people are within ear shot. This doesn't even cross my mind in a club setting, but in the day...ugg). I walked into one of the stores and approached the sales girl and asked if my back was sweaty. She giggled and checked me and said no, I thanked her and left. Maybe a good disqualifier...Who says that kind of thing?

I decided to walk the streets and head over to a book store. Missed a lot of good opportunities, it is so easy to make excuses during the day, "she's on her phone, she looks angry, she's carrying something" etc. I managed to get to the book store and, amazingly, there were probably 10 or so girls, totally alone, that I saw as I went through. Easy right. Well it should have been. I browsed books forever and ever before finally I watched a totally normal dude make a bad approach and was like "hey! That guy just had the balls to talk to that girl, time to man up!!" So I found the next alone girl and walked up, grabbed a book off the shelf that it may have been obvious I had no interest in reading, and opened with "Hey, what's a good book you can recommend, I've been wandering forever and haven't found anything that catches my eye." She smiled and said she didnt know, for a second I got pushy and said "really? Nothing at all?" and then I caught myself and remembered a lesson I'm trying to internalize after my last FR. Give her room to chase, or in this case, room to express herself. So I trailed off my sentence and just stood silently, looking at her and waiting for her to respond. She started talking. Amazing! We chatted briefly on literature, then she told me she's going to russia, and we talked about russia and traveling. Honestly, she was cute, but I didn't find her that attractive, although she was very nice, so I ejected politely after a few minutes of conversation. We passed eachother later and smiled. That is also something I'd like to do for people, give them a temporary friend and an enjoyable interaction that boosts their mood or maybe even makes their day.

Even after this I still didnt do another approach in the bookstore, and ended up wandering the streets for an hour or so. I told myself I wasn't allowed to leave until I had committed myself to a direct daytime approach. After tons of missed opportunities, I finally saw an Indian girl walking alone toward me. Although I had no expectation for it to work, I pushed through the fear that had been gripping me for most of the night, trusting in my ability to stop moving people. I did. "hey!" She stopped and looked at me blank faced, "I think you're kinda cute who are you" spilled out of my mouth, I even registered a bit of the creepy vibe. She kinda looked shifty eyed, then turned and continued walking, not a single peep in response. I was elated. I did it! I said I would and I did. And imagine if I stay consistent with this, sure it was hard today, but if I did it once a day for the next week? Pshhhh, not to mention the extra practice at my job and when I go out to bars and clubs. Hell yeah, the rejection didn't even hurt. Not one bit.

So the question I have for myself is, what am I afraid of? I know part of it is that other people will hear me, and I know that's weak shit and I'll eventually get over it. But when a girl is alone...what is holding me back?


rebloomer said...

Approach anxiety is a hangover from our past tribal existence. You know the theory?


Dasani said...

Yeah I know the theory, I'm just not fond of it. According to that theory, I should feel approach anxiety all the time. When I'm in a club and I'm just carefree, having a good time, I feel no anxiety whatsoever, and if I do feel pangs of it, it is "what am I going to say" anxiety, which goes away as soon as I figure out what I want to say or just decide to talk anyway.