Friday, August 22, 2008

Talks with the Millenium and a long time cumming

Tonight when I go out, I'll work on takeaways. Something Millenium does much better than I do is maintain his status as the prize and the person being chased. My current style of game is to just barge in like a dumb ox and eject before I lose my value. I realized that I don't leave room for the other party to chase. We talked about all things game related, but here are some highlights.

-Female sexuality- I still have trouble seeing girls as sexual creatures even though I have MOUNTAINS of evidence from my own experience and outside sources to support that they are. The reason being related to my issues with being the prize. I don't see girls making the effort that I do to get laid, and thus in my own head it makes sense that they are not actually very sexual, even though once they are sexual they are voracious. However, I am operating from a scarcity mindset, and girls are culturally and socially conditioned to operate from an abundance mindset when it comes to dating. They are the ones being courted in their mind (which is why it's so effective and "different" when a guy sets up the frame that she has to win HIM over). Their sexual fantasies and desires involve the place and the mood and what happened before it and what is being worn, etc etc. Whereas a guy's (or at least mine and Millenium's) fantasies are fairly standard; all things sexual in a location, usually the bedroom. Sure I fantasize about how I'd like to do it or how she's sounding or how it feels, but beyond that, not a lot. She takes care of the full picture when she fantasizes. This is because she can get the nuts and bolts whenever or wherever she wants, so the experience of those nuts and bolts becomes more important than the nuts and bolts in and of themselves. I made sense of this with a wealth analogy. When I don't have a lot of money, I think "a lot of money would be great! I could buy shit and travel" but if I had millions, I'd be thinking more along the lines of "I can really play with this investment, and I'd like to start a realestate empire by buying and selling houses, also I want to donate to charity, change up my wardrobe, and pay a sherpa to take me to the top of everest" the experience and uses become more important than the actual money.

-Mindsets of value- When I talked about texting to V, Millenium saw it in a numerical fashion. I had called twice and gotten no answer, and had texted like4-5 times to her 3-4. In his mind, I was lower value because I had spent more effort. In my mind, I saw it more time based. I texted her after I first met her, she responded, I told her I was going to call and I did, she didn't answer. I called again a couple days later, she didn't answer, but texted that she was out of town. Instead of trying to get her on the phone, I waited till I left town and returned again. I texted and she texted back immediately, and then I invited her to my VIP and she said she would come. I also got her facebook and myspace. I saw it as me not being needy, and noticed that she responded promptly to all of my attempts to contacther, even after a full week and a half of no contact she responed to my text immediately. I also saw us as parting on equal planes of value. I had approached direct and she was into it and I got her number. I made her understand that I thought she was cute, but wanted to get to know her first. This whole thing has been totally normal, all I'm doing is structuring the opportunity for us to spend some time together. Millenium sees it as me chasing too hard, but the way we parted, what other way can I play it. I see it as us handling the logistics to our hooking up. Either way I got a lot out of what MIllenium said, and I'll be implementing some.

Tonight: The goal for tonight is to leave room for the other party to chase and express themselves. I also want to incorporate mini takeaways into my interactions during the beginning phases. I will focus on rewarding with things like my touch and attention, rather than giving them fully. I understand this will take time to make natural and to work and will not beat myself up if I don't master it in a night.

A Long Time Cumming
Last night I hung out with a long time friend. We've always had some chemistry, but the times where I've felt it strong enough to make a move, she has been unavailable. She is the one girl who I have been able to express myself fully around before having had sex or crossed the threshold of "She's mine." Which is a challenge I'm dealing with. I literally go into state when I'm in her presence most times, I'm just so comfortable with her. She invited me out to dinner, and I had been fantasizing about her over the summer, so I decided that I wasn't going to make hooking up a non option because of her boyfriend. She confessed to me over dinner that she had cheated on him while away, and I felt a twinge of something though I attempted not to register it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom after a respectable interval so that I could analyze the emotion. I know thats contrary to Tolle wisdom, but for now it helps me a lot. I discovered I was jealous that I wasn't the guy she had hooked up with.

We left dinner and went out to rent a movie. On the car ride I brought up the thing about my brother and my limiting belief. It ended up being a solid vulnerability story, though that was not my intention when I started talking to her. She confessed that she has that same feeling of unnattractiveness about herself, and we explored this somewhat. We brought the movie back here, put it in, and I plopped myself down right next to her, our bodies touching by proximity. This was always my test during the school year, I can't believe I forgot it, to see if she readjusted and moved further away (I got deadly fast at it during the year too), and if not, to make things sexual. I waited about half the movie, allowing anxiety to build in me, unsure if I was going to risk making the move and changing our friendship. It was then that I asked myself a crucial question...

"If I don't make a move, am I comfortable with still being friends with a sexual desire and longing lingering behind our 'friendship'?"

The answer was no. If she rejected me and no longer wanted to be friends, that would be better than being friends with unfullfilled desires on my end of it. I waited a bit, I thought when she readjusted her arms that she was gently touching my arm, testing the waters or trying to tempt me. I made my move. I moved my right arm across her body and grasped her leg, with my left I reached for her face as I turned my head to her. She pulled away and said "Dasani no. I know you want to kiss me. We can't, we want different things.." I replied "Ok" and breathed a huge sigh. My heart was pounding. I grabbed her hand and put it on my heart to have her feel it. She was amazed. I decided not to explain to her that it was the excess adrenaline from waiting so long to do that. She did not move away from me though, so I readjusted her body so that we were spooning. She kept asking if I was ok, thought I was behind her moping that I got rejected. No ma'am. I remembered something I used to say and that Entropy taught me at the U21C. Listen to her behaviors, not her words. She said no, but she cuddled with me. I waited a bit till she turned toward me some, I turned her the rest of the way and eased into the kiss. We madeout, stopped, madeout, stopped, she wanted me, she knew she was probably going to break it off with her BF, but she was going against her values. I did my best not to get logical and explain things and reason with her, and kept my reasons incomprehensible, stealing a mystery line "I wasn't given an instruction book on how to be human." When she went to leave, I put her to the wall and the clothes came off, though not all the way. We never got beyond topless making out, and went to sleep together (though I moved to the floor later in the night, my bed is tiny and I have trouble sleeping next to another person). I'm comfortable not having had sex with her, though I would have liked to, and realize that we may never have sex. This is ok. She is a solid girl and I really like her. She fits my standard (I will not hook up with any girl who I am not interested in making feel good), so I'm proud of myself.

At one point while I had her on top and was moving her hips grinding on me, she moaned SOO HARD and said "oh my god, give me a break" it was awesome.

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