Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I've been putting myself through a personal challenge the last few months. The night before I began the challenge, I was in conversation with a certain girl (I've mentioned her here before, I don't know if she has a name on here, I'll call her Modi) and she said to me something that struck me so deeply, that rang so fully with understanding of myself and what I was saying to her, that I almost cried. I told her about my challenge. That night we had sex and parted ways. I wasn't certain what I wanted to do with it, but I was certain that we'd built a certain bond. Whatever that bond is/was remains to be seen.
We had been chatting recently and she mentioned that some guy she was kind of seeing (not exclusively) was miserable in bed. We ended up talking about ourselves and our experience together, what we like and don't like. Near the end of the discussion I thought of how much fun it would be to take this girl out on a date, a legitimate date. So I asked her, she said yes, and we set a date. I had planned to get sushi, bring it and some wine out to a place where we could park overlooking the city, eat, then go together to a comedy club in town. Rarely do I ever put that much thought into a date (it's usually just a movie at my place, or dinner then a movie at my place).
Two days before the date she called me up and said that she was sorry, but she had forgotten about plans that she had made with somebody else before she and I made plans. She sounded very sincere and said that she wanted to reschedule when we got back from our Thanksgiving break. I believed her, and as it turns out she was being sincere.
She got in contact with me again and asked when we could reschedule our date. I set a date and time for this Friday.
She texted me today:
Modi - Hey mister, so is there any way our date could be tomorrow?
Modi - Or could we do it saturday? My friend needs some moral support on friday night
Me - Support for what?
Modi - An ex girlfriend thing
Me - Help your friend
Modi - Can we still see each other on saturday?
Me - Nah, don't worry about it
Modi - What? I wanted to see you...do you not want to hang out with me? I'm not blowing you off
Me - Try to see it from my perspective. I've already turned down 2 invites for friday because of our plans. How important does this look to me vs you
Me - I'm not upset, but I'd feel like a tool if I rescheduled so you can put somebody over me a second time.
Then she called me. I contemplated not picking up, but I did. She said that she had rescheduled with her friend, told him she couldn't break plans with me and he (based on her tone) resentfully said he would find somebody else. She asked if we could still go out and I said I'd rather not. To me, the idea of going out together after this has happened sounds almost like just going through the motions for the sake of it. The original excitement has left it, it feels like pity coming from her since she hurt my feelings, so to speak, and I worry that she might be resentful that I couldn't be a nice guy and just reschedule.
I'm certain I could overcome all of that, and make it as if nothing could happen. But I don't feel like summing up the emotional energy for it.
I had one friend invite me to a wrestling tournament that he and his friends are having (I love wrestling) on the same day as my date was scheduled with Modi. I told him I had plans and couldn't make it this week. I had one of my girl friends invite me out with her and her group of sexy females to an 80's night downtown. No thanks group of 10 females and me, I've got a date Friday.
Then some dude calls her up and says he needs moral support for an ex girlfriend thing. I don't even know what that is, and it doesn't matter to me. That she was unwilling to try to get him to understand her plans, and try, at the very least try to get him to find somebody else or work it around her plans with me, says that she isn't as interested or excited as I am for our date. Furthermore, she's disrespecting me by thinking that it's A-OK for her to reschedule on me a second time, and that I'll just sit back and nod yes because she's a woman and that's what 'nice' guys do.
She didn't convince me to reschedule. I told her we'd do it another time. I don't know if I meant it.
I've never turned a woman who was interested in me down before this. She canceled on the other guy and basically came crawling back, and I told her no. I didn't tell her because that was "the alpha" thing to do, I did it because I felt very disrespected by her behavior and didn't want to go out with somebody (especially put thought and money into going out) who would treat me like that. A second rate option.
Am I over reacting here?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
You can like a body, but the girl is what's left over after you cum.
So the difference between being attracted to somebody and being interested in them is what you still see after you've had an orgasm. I could only be speaking for myself (but I doubt it) but after I finish, the physical desire for a woman's body disappears, even if only for a few seconds. It is replaced by reason and clear thinking. It's the time where after you just had sex with a girl who isn't on BC, without a condom because in the heat of the moment you said "fuck it," you say "Oh fuck." It's the time where you make the decision of whether or not you're going to ever want to see this girl again, or if you're me, whether or not you tricked yourself into mistaking attraction for "liking."
So if you're genuinely interested in who she is, or if you're "attracted" to her, as a being and not as a body, that is what remains. That is what you see during that moment of clarity. I've definitely said this before, and I've definitely thought it prior to this writing, but I've never come up with a phrase that's quite as stylistically pleasing as the one that inspired this post:
"You can like a body, but the girl is what's left over after you cum."
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Reading over my previous posts, I really enjoy the kind of deep thinking and personal insight that I've experienced over the lifetime of this blog, and further. I don't have a central thesis to talk about as of the writing of this sentence, so I expect this to be somewhat disjointed. All of the ideas that come out are in progress and do not necessarily accurately reflect my feelings and thoughts at present.
Part of me misses when I would go out as often as possible and come out with a new theory every week about life, women and relationships. Part of me feels as though that's not me anymore, and that as I grow and change, so too will my focus of energy and ideas. Part of me just misses the drama of caring so god damned much about girls.
I'm gunna throw out some statistics about myself that aren't a hundred percent accurate (I'd rather not dig up the evidence to support them).
I discovered the pickup community in September of 2006, my freshman year of college. I first read The Game that month, and read The Venusian Arts Handbook in October.
Prior to that, I had slept with 6 different women. I had hooked up with (meaning further than just kissing and groping) probably a dozen or so, and I had kissed around 15 or 20.
I lost my virginity at the age of 16 when I was a sophomore in high school near the end of the year, which means that I had about two and a half years of active sex life before discovering the community.
That's around three women slept with per year, to make the math simple.
In that time I had 4 relationships that were worth remembering or that had an impact on me.
As I stand now, it's been about three to three and a half years since I discovered the community.
I've had sex with 22 or 23 different women (I'll say 22 and be conservative), hooked up with...fuck... probably over 30, and kissed well over 70. I've probably been sexually involved (meaning at least kissed (in a sexual way, not just friendly)) with over 100 people.
In terms of sex, that's about six people per year.
If my stats are anywhere near accurate (and I question whether they are), I've doubled my sexual productivity, about tripled my hook up productivity, and about tripled or quadrupled my kissing productivity. Wow. Them's some numbers.
Since discovering the community, I've had I think only three decent/impactful relationships. I feel like that can't be right and I must be forgetting somebody, but if I'm forgetting them, how meaningful or impactful was the relationship?
This seems like compelling evidence for the contention that the community has not strengthened my ability to find women who I like having a relationship with, or can keep around. This has been a concern of mine, that I hook up with women who I don't like. Interesting to see it written out like this, but I have another direction I'd like to take this information.
According to the Kinsey Institute website ( http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html ) which may have information as recent as 2005, the average man age 30-44 reports only 6-8 sexual partners in their lifetime. In terms of sexual numbers, I'm an outlier to an enormous degree, I'm a statistical superhuman. I've almost tripled the upper estimate of a statistic reported on men who are at least eight years my senior. At 6 people per year on average, that is another 48 women onto my original 22, for a grand total of 70 women by the time I'm 30.
If sex is as important as I've made it; if it is as central to life and being as I have placed it, and if it holds as crucial a place in my values as it has, then I should be a person of the utmost self esteem and pride. Especially in light of the numbers up above.
But I'm not.
Granted, I genuinely believe I have higher self esteem than the majority of people I know, but that does not mean that I have high self esteem.
If the purpose of life, as Mystery likes to say again and again, is to survive and to replicate, what place in the world does that leave for achievement? If the only measure of your potency as a human being is the number and quality of the sexual partners you've had, and pride and self esteem is the barometer of that success, why am I not three times happier and more self fulfilled than the average person? And if I am (which sometimes I think I am) what does that say about our abysmally low standard for what qualifies as a happy, fulfilled life?
More important, is my choice of the word "sometimes" above. It came out as things naturally do, not out of a careful reasoned decision. My happiness and self esteem has been as variable as the choice of a single card from a deck. However statistically superhuman my sexual efforts may be, my feeling of self esteem and overall happiness does not reflect what it seems should be the logical outcome of such a life. To a person whose primary value is getting laid, who is faced with evidence that he has already well surpassed the lifetime numbers of an average man, should he not feel proud of what he has done and accomplished?
And the simple answer is, no, he should not. We have made a mistake as men (as humans even) in placing sex as a primary value. Even those who denounce sex as evil or dirty place it as one of their highest values, but as a negative. I am and have been one of the worst proponents of this mistake. The mistake is not just placing sex as a value, but in thinking of sex as an achievement.
Sex is not an achievement.
If the purpose of human life is to survive and to replicate, we should not live in the world we live in now. There would be no sky scrapers, no airplanes, no fast food or video games. There would be no birth control. There would be nothing in this world that we did not need to survive and to replicate if we were just little social robots programmed to fuck and continue the cycle.
Therefore, the purpose of life is NOT simply to survive and to replicate. Furthermore, some deeper desire has actively STOPPED us from attempting to live in a survive and replicate manner, some man has ACHIEVED something to do that, and it is called birth control.
As another premise, there exists in this world things that might be described as achievements. If sex is not one of these, we still have a myriad of things to choose from and call achievement, those things listed above to start. If those things exist, then there must be a higher driving force that causes them to exist, some innate desire in humans to achieve, to create.
Therefore, one primary purpose of life is to achieve. "Why?" is an interesting question, and I do not have an answer. I do know that it is not circular. In order to achieve, one must make progress, and progress is an upward motion, it does not come back around to where it started (as with replication - have kids, who have kids, who have kids, simply to keep on having kids).
Sex is a non-value that we have mistaken as a value. I'll explore this issue further in another post.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Aptitude is defined as follows, "An inherent ability, as for learning; a talent: an aptitude for mathematics."
My whole life, one of my worst fears has been mediocrity. And yet, I've kept myself under it's oppressive force for as far back as I can remember. Each and every time that I've become good at something, demonstrated some kind of ability, and then been met with a challenge that would take me to my limit, I've quit or walked away.
When I was younger, eight years old or so, I was a damn good gymnast. I had been doing gymnastics for several years and feats of strength (such as rolling backward into a handstand) which amazed my parents, felt effortless for me. I was doing so well, that my coach asked that I take part in an upcoming competition. That was the last day I attended practice. I told myself for years it was because I didn't like competition and was just in it for fun.
In school, after 8th or 9th grade, math started to become a serious challenge. In 7th grade, when I still had good work habits, I would work myself to tears trying to understand the math, my parents helping me as much as I would allow them. But as I aged, I became 'more independent' and no longer asked for help with my homework. I started doing the bare minimum to get some sort of credit. It was in 10th grade that I truly discovered girls, and in the three hours it took me to finish an instant message conversation, I didn't have time for math homework, and I quit doing it.
This precipitated a drop in my grades, which I rationalized away as my not being any good at math, having no talent for it. The evidence for which being the A's in all my other subjects. A's that I literally put no effort into achieving.
The only subject in middle and high school that gave me any trouble was math and math based sciences such as chemistry and physics. Without doing any homework (very rarely at least) I managed C's and sometimes C+'s. My aptitude, my ability to just look at something and get it to a point, had brought me A's in everything, but in math, the one challenge, it got me C's. Because of the other A's, I convinced my parents I was working as hard as I could and just wasn't getting it, and they became as complacent with my C's as I was. Thus, I began to acquire the habit of only achieving so far as my aptitude would take me. I was a C student getting A's because I never faced a challenge.
I joined the wrestling team in High school because I enjoyed Ju Jitsu and had never tried a school sport (nor had my brothers). I had two friends on the team going in, and found it hard to make genuine connections with anybody else, being simultaneously older and less experienced.
Practice was the hardest thing I've ever done physically. Each practice I would retreat into my head and hope with everything I had that I would make it through without breaking down or vomiting. Each night when I would get into bed I would cry out in physical pain as I laid my stiff and damaged body down to sleep.
My first meet, I pinned my first ever opponent, got beat once badly, and gave another guy such a battle that his coach came over and shook my hand in astonishment at the end of the match. My coach took me aside and told me the other coaches had been inquiring about me and where I came from. I was so proud and so exhilarated by the competition, something I had never felt before.
When my friends, for medical and other reasons, could no longer be on the team, I found myself without a support group to keep me going. I arrived for practice one day and found everybody gearing up for a meet that, somehow, had come up without my notice. I was so embarrassed, and I didn't have my friends there to talk to me and tell me it was fine, just to work through it, that I made the decision to quit right there. I walked up to the coach, told him timidly that my grades were slipping and, as a senior I needed to prioritize and couldn't wrestle anymore. He shook my hand and said ok, nothing else.
I went home, collapsed on my bed and cried. Inside, I was torn apart by a storm of emotions I couldn't identify or understand. I beat my pillow and cried and screamed and couldn't stop the pain from taking over.
It took me a year or longer to understand why, and up until this moment to write it down alongside my other experiences.
The common theme in all of these experiences is that I got good at something, relatively quickly, and without a great deal of effort (if any). My aptitude carried me through every moment in my life that might have been challenging for any other person, and thus, I never learned what it feels like to want something and have to bring yourself to the edge of destruction in order to achieve it. I never learned to put effort into what I was doing and actually earn my rewards.
What I had learned, was where to stop. When my aptitude could take me no further, that was the point I would become frustrated and either quit or settle.
It was in quitting wrestling that I experienced the pain of behaving this way most acutely. I had already been pushing myself beyond breaking five days per week, and had experienced the great reward of getting on the mat with nobody to rely on but myself and battling my opponent to the end. I had the respect of people whose opinions mattered to me, without the arrogance of thinking that I had nothing left to learn. When I quit, it was the only evidence I had ever presented myself with that, unequivocally, demonstrated how below average I really was. People who I had considered stupid or weak, I could see now, had put more effort, more of themselves into everything they had ever done, and still not achieved as highly as me. And when it came my turn to put on those shoes, I quit.
My aptitude has carried me through college, gotten me (mostly) average women, and brought me to student teaching with a chip on my shoulder and a nothing-left-to-learn attitude. My cooperating teacher observed a lesson I taught last friday and tore me apart with her criticism. It was very humbling, and I felt the same fear that I felt every time I went to wrestling practice, the fear that this time I wouldn't make it, that I would give up, that I wasn't good enough, and that I had so much to learn that I could never possibly cover it all and demonstrate competence. I felt, quite clearly, that I wanted to stand up, collect my things and leave the room, never to come back.
Thank god for investment.
I either grow, or I fail and the last three years in college will have been a waste. You can imagine what choice I made. I want to be a teacher, and it is my great fortune that it will not be an easy road. I know that because I am striving to improve and to not only meet a bench mark, but surpass it, that I will have earned my certification. I will have earned my self esteem.
So be careful of aptitude, of talent, of ability that you did nothing to earn. It's a great gift to be able to do something well, and do so quickly, but a great curse if you allow that point where things become difficult, to be the point where you stop. Pretty good is no better than mediocre.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I intend this to be as much a review of The 21 Convention put on by Dream as it is a recap of each speech and the content covered. The event, newly changed from The Under 21 Convention, now that the focus isn’t as specifically on the under 21 pickup crowd, spanned across four full days from as early as 10 am until 8 pm each night. Generally the format was, two speakers followed by a lunch break, then three more speakers after lunch, with shorter breaks between each speech. You can imagine how much content was covered in the allotted time. Let’s get to it.
After introducing the convention, Dream launched into his speech that he titled “Rise Above.” Life lessons, personal stories, and revelations formed the meat of the content, all geared toward the idea that, in my words, no matter how bad it gets you can always come out on top and still kicking. From heartbreaking loss to financial ruin, he laid it all out on the line, putting on a solid performance.
The second speaker, El Topo, began by talking about what makes a good instructor and what the role of the instructor is and how they can accomplish it. He then delved into his methodology of game and how to implement it. Topo quickly transformed questions from the crowd such as “what is one thing you like about yourself and one thing you dislike” through these methods into personal and specific grounding routines. The man demonstrated a complete knowledge of the topic he covered and never failed to address any specific question about himself or what he teaches. He’s one of the genuinely good guys out there who cares about helping out and giving back, putting on multiple talks at the end of each day and even taking somewhere around 10 guys out each night to work specifically with – for free.
Highlights of this speaker included several drills that he teaches to his paying students, a method of creating incentive to go out and accomplish your goals, and several specific techniques. A low energy, but none the less knowledgeable speaker.
Everything you could want to know about same night lays: where to take her, how to do it, when to do it, and techniques for making it happen. The man is a veritable machine set to ‘Fuck’ who managed to take time off to speak about the mechanisms that turn his gears. Very solid speech from a gifted and extremely knowledgeable speaker, the man also went out and made himself available to guys in-field at no charge.
A return speaker from the ’07 convention and the man who gave me the single best feedback post in response to a field report ever, Nilatak just had a short time to jump on stage and do some short demonstrations. He had three guys from the audience, at different skill levels, come on stage and approach him, after which he would break down what was good, what wasn’t, and how to fix common problems. Good stuff, great guy.
From PUA Training, Psych was a convention attendee and audience member last year, turned trainer and speaker this year. He talked on his concept of social game, adding value, and what he considers to be the three keys to pickup: likeability, persuasion and sexuality. Pulling back from the game for a bit, he showed a brief clip of AFC Adam from last year’s convention, where Adam calls Psych out as the man to watch, as a man who will soon be very, very good. He then called out the entire audience; if he can come here as an attendee and come back one year later as a speaker, as a man who has accomplished his goals and become greater than the collective mediocrity, then any and every person in the audience can do the same. Great speech and a solid guy.
Social circle and college game highlighted one of this year’s youngest speakers. He talked about his mindsets in pickup, told a few stories, and shared some techniques including having your girl bring over a friend for your roommate and visa versa to ease the process and expand your circle. A little nervous at first, he spoke quickly, but as time passed he eased into his groove and gave a decent speech.
I’ll hold back a little because I think a few things caused me to be closed off and biased against her presentation, but here is how I saw it. Erika talked about “Spiritual Seduction: how to change your love life through your belief system” which is actually a topic that interests me greatly. Beginning with her story of a near death experience, Erika then broke down the difference between types of beliefs, talked on the importance of vibes and becoming conscious/aware/present. Her new company does therapy for clients with limiting beliefs through a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique. Many of the guys I spoke with enjoyed her speech, but I found myself a skeptic. She nearly broke down during her story of near death, gave a rather disjointed and bare bones speech, and when I asked specific questions on the mechanics of EFT, she was unable to answer and even referred to it as ‘magic.’ I encourage anybody reading this to watch the video and form their own opinion.
From the Campus Casanova crew, he talked about college game. Francis is a funny and energetic guy who was able to bring a lot of new and, as far as I know, innovative concepts to the table including his five social circle rules and his concept of female attraction ‘simmering’ and how to use this to your advantage. I especially liked his angle on being friendly and flirty with everybody, not just the girls you’re into, and his idea of “falling in love a little with every girl.” I know just what you mean man. Good stuff.
From The Social Man, Nick talked briefly on college game and then got into his main topic of sexualizing body language. This guy has reached the peak of charismatic, an incredibly gifted speaker. He demonstrated some simple techniques on how to generate sexual chemistry through body posture, touch, proximity, and eye contact on Erika, and I swear she actually fell in love with him on stage. Watch the video and tell me I’m wrong. At the end of his time he gave what I’ve been referring to as “The Piano Speech” the most inspirational and exciting speech since the ‘you’re money and you don’t even know it’ segment in Swingers. Just to get it in writing, Dream you had better have your editing guys cut that part out of the end of his speech so you can upload it as a specific video in and of itself, alongside the full talk. One of the best speeches given at the entire event.
Formerly of Charisma Arts, Christian started his own company, The Social Man. Before getting into the gamey portion of his speech, Christian gave a sort of father to son style speech, a cocktail of respect, kicks in the ass, and genuine reverent inspiration. I can’t say specifically he said as I was so enamored with his words that I forgot to take notes, except “A winner is a man who refuses to accept his situation, and does something about it.” A real man of action, he gave some specific techniques and conversational tools, as well as concepts on arousal and how to talk. Fantastic speech.
AFC Adam Lyons
Filling in for some people who couldn’t make it, Adam gave two different talks. The first was all about closing, which included techniques for making it happen, ways of easing the transition, and hilarious stories to illustrate every point. His second speech was more in depth and advanced, covering frame control and 4 specific methods of doing so verbally. He also talked on, and demonstrated physical frame control. What I love about Adam is his speeches are so well put together and rehearsed, that they don’t even sound like they’re rehearsed and planned ahead. I couldn’t tell which parts were adlibbed and which parts he had said a dozen times in the past. Adam puts across an energy and enthusiasm that is unparalleled by anybody I’ve come into contact with in the community (and with all the talent that shows up to the 21C, that’s saying something). One of the best technical pickup speeches of ’09.
Savage took things in a different direction, talking about female sexuality and what it is that women desire in a man. He talked about debriefing questions to ask your girls, how to be a unique and compelling man in her life, and the difference between the masculine and the feminine. A very chill and different speaker, he brought something entirely new to the table.
Controversial and the only speech to receive a standing ovation, Dream gave his second speech of the convention on proper exercise and nutrition. This speech will challenge everything you think you know about what to eat and how to exercise. Well put together, Dream really knows what he’s talking about. The relevance of this speech to becoming an attractive man is a no brainer, and as Dream put it, no woman is going to tell you “your six pack is way too tight, get out of here.”
The second speech on health and exercise, Drew talked about High Intensity Training. The man knows more about exercise than most of the speakers know about pickup. For any body looking to get involved in a program that will give you the best results, for the least amount of time in the gym, this speech is the best source of fitness advice around. Without a moment of hesitation, Drew answered every question with confidence like a man who invented what he was talking about. He laid out which exercises will most effectively work which muscle groups, how much time to allow for rest and recovery, the concepts behind muscle growth, and what you can expect if you attempt HIT. Really incredible stuff and a talented speaker.
A speaker from last year as well, Heartwork is an instructor for Vin DiCarlo at only 19 years old. A funny and energetic guy, he talked mainly on the friendzone and how to get out of it. Bottom line, “she’s not your fucking friend.” A good speaker, Heartwork was also out in field with a lot of guys.
One of the older speakers, RHM has really been out there and experienced it all. He talked about how women tend to view men and create expectations for how men should behave, what he knows about marriage (17 year veteran), the traditional way for men to go through life (school, college, get a job, get married, have kids, get divorced), and flipping the script on women. A real consciousness raising speech that any guy who is considering an LTR or marriage should look into. Solid speaker, good content.
Hailing from RSD, Nathan was the only speaker who was not filmed. He talked about masculine and feminine qualities, and how when you are at least 51% in the masculine, you will have attraction on some level. He did a few short exercises and drills with the group.
Returning again after speaking on text game and sexual priming in ’08, Ratisse talked about his style of game this year which is a method for creating massive social proof and really becoming the king of a venue. The guy is a model of dominance, and his philosophy of “if you’re not happy with who you are, change it” really brings this across. No questions, no compromises, just action. He demonstrated how he works a club on stage and talked in depth on his experiences and methods. What a badass.
Elite Q&A Panel
Once again, all of the remaining speakers got on stage together to take questions from the audience on anything and everything, each giving their own input and opinions on particular subjects from dates, to pulling, to strippers.
The Last Word
Once again Dream put on an event that oozed quality from the get go. One of the speakers even commented on how he has spoken at other large pickup events of this nature, and how Dream managed to put together something that was of greater scale, quality, and better organized. And he really did. Four days and 19 speakers on topics ranging from health to same night lays, the 21 convention once again delivered far more content for far less dollar than you’ll find anywhere else in the community. In addition to the speeches, nearly every speaker was more than happy (and emphasized so in their time on stage) to speak with attendees and answer questions, and even in many cases to make themselves available in field for free, or for dramatically reduced prices. This is really what the seduction community was meant to be about, men getting together to help each other improve their lives. The 21 convention is the manifestation of that ideal in reality. See you next year.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
1. I found Ciaran's post comparing the philosophy of Ayn Rand with the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. Although I enjoyed reading the article, I was disappointed. For one, I disagree with some of his conclusions (the largest of which being the complete incompatibility and fundamental flaws of Objectivism), but for another, and to me the biggest failing, was his almost complete lack of evidence from either text to illustrate his conclusions. I want to write a post that does justice to both thinkers and demonstrates my own view and opinion.
2. I've been reading a lot of men's rights blogs (Pook and Mirror of the soul) and entertainment reading recently, and as great as it is to read about men as being vastly superior to women in every aspect, I disagree with a lot of what I read (some of it is damned funny though). All of them say pretty much the same thing, and while I agree with what they are saying, I disagree that it is women's nature to be as they describe her. I plan to explore this by juxtaposing both arguments alongside Nella Larsen's Quicksand, a novel that I think exemplifies the female mind, albeit a dated work of fiction.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I realized that I tend, more often than not, with both guys and girls (moreso girls) to treat myself as though I am on thin ice and the slightest mistake will send me crashing through. I do this most often over impersonal modes of communication, such as text or internet, where there are no subcommunications or non verbals.
If I say something cheeky over text or over facebook, I start worrying "oh my god, if they take that wrong they're going to be upset/stop talking to me/never want to see me again." Then worse still, I start believing that is true, so I start behaving like it's true. Next time I see that guy I'll say to him "dude I just wanted you to know I was totally kidding the other day when I called you gay" or if I see that girl, I'll avoid her eyes, because I expect that she doesn't want to see me anyway, and why be the weirdo who just doesn't "get it," who sticks around even when she clearly is only tolerating him. Best to apologize or to cut my losses and avoid embarassment.
Seriously? What the fuck are you thinking?
You are not on thin ice. Here are some examples of me thinking I'm on thin ice:
Posting something on a girl's facebook wall and not getting a reply that same day.
Replying to a girl's wall post asking me if we can get a drink sometime (a girl from back home, she means when we're both back in our hometown) with "are you buying? =)" and her not replying immediately.
I actually visualize, when I next check my facebook or phone an hour or so later, if they haven't responded, them sitting at their computer going "god what a loser, I can't believe he said that. Weird" and then making a conscious choice not to reply because girls hate telling the truth/confrontation of any sort. My mind runs wild and I assume all kinds of goofy crap.
I assume that no matter what, I'm on a probationary, trial basis. And any mistake I make is seen as a mistake that I'll consistently make for the duration of their knowing me, and so they just cut me to avoid that awkwardness.
Being on thin ice, is a terrible mindset.
I'm almost always wrong. So why then do I always assume this mindset? The only thing I can think of is a focus on past instances where it came true, as opposed to all of the many instances where it didn't. Those times where it did come true, where I sent a goofy text and the girl went non-responsive and quit answering texts entirely, or when I didn't get a reply on facebook and saw the girl and she avoided my eyes, hurt me a lot more than the instances of a person replying to a text or on facebook, felt good. Like, I can't remember all the millions of times I've successfully avoided injury, but I can remember with crystal clarity all of the times I've hurt myself badly.
I'll have to examine this mindset and get rid of it. Remember the time with Doa where you spent a few hours talking with her, and decided just to let it be as it is? You guys talked together, no need to draw conclusions about her liking you or not. She ended up chasing you like crazy (then the negative part of me says "and then you fucked it up" and it can shut it's god damned mouth).
If you do not recieve a reply on facebook, it doesn't mean anything, except that you have not recieved a reply on facebook.
If a text message has not been reciprocated, it does not mean anything other than that which it is. The text message has not been reciprocated. Not that it has not yet been reciprocated, that assumes that it will, which invests me in the text message. It just hasn't been replied to, and that's it.
Quit thinking you're no thin ice. It isn't even winter.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
A man stands on the street in front of his house, looking up at it with the fierce pride of creation, the pride of self, on his architectural achievement. A second man walks up and stands next to the first and gazes at the house in astonishment. Quickly he says to the first man, "Sir! Your house is on fire!"
The first man replies, "Yes, it is a fine house."
Confused and thinking the first man must have misheard him, the second man again tells him, "Your beautiful home will burn to the ground unless you put out that fire!" And to his astonishment, the first man turns to him with a look of slight annoyance, as one might give to a child who should not meddle in things he does not understand.
"Sir, I built this house, and that fire is a part of my house. If I put out that fire my house will not be mine any longer." He then turns back to gaze at his house once more. The fire spreads from just one of the upper windows to a second. The glass on the first window shatters causing a massive fireball to shoot outward. Both men duck instinctively and the first man gives a nervous chuckle, "See how well I have built my house? The neighbors are surely jealous of my superior work. This is truly the best way to build a house." He shakes off the initial nerves and sets his feet against imaginary resistance to his masterwork.
The second man, being a person of unbounded care and compassion, implores the man to see reason, to see that if he does not stop the fire now, there will be no more house of which he may be proud. The fire, he says, will consume the whole thing.
"Nonsense!" Exhorts the first man, "There are many ways to build a house, but this is the one I have chosen, and this one works best for me!" He is clearly growing impatient with the second man, and he wonders how the second man could be so stupid as to not see the simple genius of his house. Clearly the second man is a man of sub-normal intelligence.
"Look!" Shouts the second man, he is growing desperate for the first to see reason and save his house, for the construction is indeed beautiful and masterful. "The fire has spread to the houses next to yours! And look further! The neighbors have begun using water to stop the fire! Their houses will remain standing. Why then sir, will you not do the same for your own, beautiful house?"
Violently, the first man screams at the second, "Their way is not mine! And mine is perfectly acceptable! In fact, it is they who have destroyed their homes by not accepting the fire as part of their house!" He breathes heavily after his outburst, but coughs as the smoke drifts toward them in dark masses. The second man, unable to hold his composure any longer, lunges forward, "There is still time to save your house!" He collects the neighbors that have gathered to watch the blaze and rallies them to action, forming a bucket line and setting up hoses. The first man watches in astonishment for a few moments. For one instant, he see's the the love that this stranger has for something that is not even his own, the hatred the stranger has for the fire which, uncontrolled, has now spread to more than half the house. But it is only an instant.
"Get away from my house!" Bellows the first man, and he bars the way in. The neighbors struggle to get past him, but it is too late. The blaze now burns so hot that they cannot get close to the house and so they set to dousing their own houses with water, keeping them safe from the inferno. "Cowards!" The first man chokes out. He cannot breathe through the smoke that is issuing forth from the destroyed door and shattered windows. His flesh cooks as the flames lick his back. Finally, saved only by his animal instinct for survival, the first man rushes away from his house which has begun to collapse, completely engulfed in flame.
The next morning, the man still sits on the opposite side of the street, staring at the heap of ashes that was his house. The second man approaches him and asks him why he let it go so far, why did he not save the house, or permit the neighbors to help him save it? The first man chokes out a reply between breathy sobs, "I built my house my way. My own way. Everybody is entitled to do things the way they like."
The second man reasons softly, "But sir, your house was on fire."
"But it was my fire! It was a part of my house! It should not have destroyed my house. It is my opinion that the fire should have been a part of the house, and everybody is entitled to their own opinion!" The first man finishes his sentence in a whine, weakness and lack of conviction oozing from every word.
His kindness and unwillingness to accept the madness before him causes the second man to ask one final set of questions of the first, "Where sir, did you come by this fire, what was it doing in your house to begin with? Where did you come by the notion that fire belongs in the house?"
Succeeding only in a mockery of composure, the first man replies, "It is my opinion, that the uniqueness of a house on fire gives it beauty. It is the fire that gave my house it's superiority over the boring, and placed me higher than those sheep who could not see the value of the fire. And since it is my opinion, it cannot be wrong. Everybody is entitled to their opinion."
"But where sir, did the fire come from?"
The first man scoffs, able even in his misery to register scorn for one so stupid as the second man, "I set the fire myself."
Standing and walking away, the second man spits over his shoulder, for he can no longer muster any respect for this poor excuse for a living being, "This fire that you held onto, which damaged and destroyed all that you've worked so hard for, can never do anything other than that which it has done. Though useful when harnessed properly, it is not an opinion that fire is destructive. It is a fact."
The first man stares after the second and watches him enter his own beautiful home. He cries bitterly into his hands about how unfair life is and how could he be so cursed as to always end up surrounded by people who just don't understand him and his genius. How dare the second man say that the opinions of the first were what led him to this destruction. That fire was important to the identity of the house he wanted to build, he was sure of it, and he contemplated that perhaps he set it in the wrong room.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I was in psych class today, and I cannot remember for the life of me what the teacher was talking about, but something he said struck me powerfully and caused me to write this sentence in my notebook: "The focus that you choose determines your reality for what defines your self worth."
This single sentence (I'm in love with the idea of simplification to a single succinct definition, even though oversimplification can be a negative thing) describes something that I have been experiencing over the past couple of months, culminating in a small incident this afternoon.
To give background: Over winter break (December to January) I read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. In it she gives insight into her philosophy (Objectivism) through the actions and dialog of her characters, particularly Howard Roark, who is her ideal standard of virtue and the poster boy figure of the perfect Objectivist. One major theme is the concept of individual, personal standards, as well as having a purpose in life that brings you great joy and fullfillment. In the case of Roark, it is Architecture.
When I came back to school, I found myself less interested in girls. Not to say I wasn't interested in women, far from it, however I was less attracted to certain women and moreso to others and did not make it my focus of attention that I must rack up the numbers. I've even begun leaning in the direction of being very open to the idea of an exclusive monogamous relationship, which prior to this, was absolutely out of the question for me. My focus grew more on school and achievement, on discovering my purpose and those things that bring me joy, apart from women. Consequently I discovered screenwriting and rediscovered my love of teaching, taken a greater interest in my fitness/health, and have begun to move away from pickup (I had Sinn's natural attraction DVD come in the mail and I just shelved it for the first few weeks I had it because I didn't really care to watch it, where previously I would have put in headphones, locked the door, and taken diligent notes as soon as I had recieved it) but it's enough to leave it at that.
As I delve deeper into Rand, especially in Atlas Shrugged, her philosophy becomes deeper and more complete. I feel, basically, that she is putting words and firmly rational thought patterns, to things that I've felt my whole life and never been able to articulate. Although I don't agree with every word, idea, and concept she presents in it, one of her character's speeches hit me particularly hard, Francisco D'Anconia's speech to Hank Rearden about sex and morality. In it, he talks about how some men seek to reverse the law of causality. They seek self-esteem through sex, where sex should rather be the product of self-esteem. This in particular describes(ed) me.
If I were to describe my life philosophy up to this point in a single sentence (as I've said I love to do) it would be that men cannot succeed in anything, or have any sort of lasting and fullfilling happiness, unless they first handle their love life. As an example, a man could rise to the top of his chosen profession, be envied by all, but if he still sucks with women and cannot be with the type he chooses, he will feel hollow and empty, like all of it was for nothing. He - this philosophy would hypothesize - would feel frustrated that he has everything, and yet he still can't get a girl and sex, one of his most basic needs and desires.
I had a conversation with my buddy Millenium awhile back where I articulated exactly this. He wanted to focus more on his lifestyle, his career, and his ambitions in order for women to become a biproduct of his lifestyle. I believed that I could never put the kind of focus required of a great endeavour like Roark does with architecture into the doing of it, because I am so enamoured with women and can't have any or the quality that I would. That, although I would enjoy the thing I was doing, I would always know in the back of my mind that if my sexual needs were completely satisfied, I could do it better. Therefore, I should become a master with women before attempting to discover my real purpose. I think I actually said to Millenium, "You're following the traditional wisdom, I'm reversing it, starting from the end and moving backward." Oh, Francisco D'Anconia.
The error that both of us made was that we caused women to become both the reason and the end game for any sort of development.
I digress, however. The main point is that my focus, after getting involved in reading Ayn Rand, shifted from women as my purpose, to my purpose as my purpose, whatever that may be.
But today and over the past few weeks I gathered even more evidence to support my original life philosophy. As much as I was more interested in my body, writing, and living to my own standard, I sitll have the lingering desire for women, and the lingering, poisonous idea of basing self worth on number and quality of women and sex a person has in his life.
Background on today's inciting incident:
This girl that I mentioned in my rebuilding the habit post, I'll call her California, entered back into my life. We've become fast friends, and every time we talk its flirty and fun. We were facebook chatting a few days ago and I mentioned I wanted to get a haircut, a new style, but I was wary of dropping $100 on a haircut. She says "omg i cut hair!" I said, that's cool, she said she could cut my hair, I said I dunno, she said she cuts her own (which is amazing hair) and I asked if she could do men's hair, knew about men's styles, and could work with my curly hair. She said yes to all three and we made an "appointment" for her to cut my hair on Wednesday (yesterday). I confirmed with her the day before, and she said she has to work, but gets off at 9, and I could come over after, I said ok how about 10, she said yes. I confirmed again at about 8:30 last night, she was down, then she called me about 9:30 and said she was afraid to cut my hair because she doesn't know how to cut curly hair. I laughed at her, we had a good flirty conversation on the phone, and I told her to look at some facebook pictures of my hair, and if she couldn't think of something, just call me back and we don't have to do it. She said ok.
10:30 rolls around and she still hasn't called me. I figured she had decided not to do it and was too afraid to turn me down, so I called her to give her the chance to complain a little and I could back out for her. She didn't answer the phone and didn't call back. I just left it at that, taking the sign for what it was. Today I saw her at school (she doesn't go here) and I called out "California! what are you doing here?" She smiled awkwardly, looked a little sheepish, and pointed at her hot friend who does go here, and walked off without saying anything. My interpretation was that she was a little ashamed of her behavior and surprised at seeing me, and sought to avoid the awkwardness.
And here is where I tie everything together. I spent the next hour in class writhing over this issue. How unfair that she should take her own weakshit behavior and use it as a reason to push us apart! I'll have to confront her and tell her it isn't a big deal! No! Confrontation is what women always avoid, don't do that shit! This really bothers me! Why isn't this not a big deal hoooolllly shit.
And it was at that point that I wrote the line in my notebook from up above.
The last few weeks, my focus has again shifted. For awhile, I didn't care so much about women, I could go to a party, not meet any new ones or make any connections, and not feel bad about it later. It was great. Except I wasn't getting laid, but I assured myself it would happen of it's own accord so long as I handle my own shit to my fullest ability. I still believe this, but I also still believe the life philosophy I wrote up above. These two beliefs are not fully compatible.
As I grow hornier, my focus is shifting toward women and pickup again, away from my own self and a selfish life.
The title of this post comes from the paradox of it being virtuous to hold to your personal standards, but it remains possible for your personal standards to be corrupt and the root of your unhappiness. I say this, not as a blanket statement for all people and all lifestyles and philosophy, but rather to myself at this point in my life. I'm arrogant, but not so much that I think this will apply to everyone, not with my current life experience at least.
Going back to my original statement that inspired this post, "The focus that you choose determines your reality for what defines your self worth," we can finally arrive at my conclusion. Depending on what your focus is in life, that choice of focus will direct how you interpret (your reality) what will define how you measure your personal worth. If Architecture is your focus, your personal standards may be how satisfied you are with your building, what price you were able to design it for, etc etc. If your focus is women, your standard (or even currency) of self worth, at least in my case, becomes how many and what quality of women you are sleeping with. This is one of the most poisonous mindsets possible. The worst of it comes out when you aren't getting laid (me right now). You begin to hate everyone around you who has a girl, who is getting laid, and eventually, if you go down the path far enough, begin to identify any person who is having sex with anybody other than you, as promiscuous and morally bankrupt. Currently I'm only at the stage where I'm becoming frustrated that the women I find attractive don't seem to reciprocate (and even this isn't entirely true, they just aren't showing the kind of interest that I currently wish they would).
I realized my focus had shifted when I caught myself feeling such despair and anger over so small an event regarding a woman. I had no idea I placed so much value on it.
The direction that I want to take myself in, is to have a separate standard for women. They should be the secondary, or even tertiary standard by which I appraise my worth. I'll have to develop that thought more fully.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I had an enjoyable night so I figured it warrants a write up.
This was the first Valentines Day in recent memory where I didn't feel down or upset or pressured to have a girl around. I actually realized, midway through dialing LittleOne's number, that I didn't want to call her on V-Day because of all of the expectations and weirdness that comes along simply because of what day it is. So I didn't.
I headed out to Puppykins' birthday party at a friends' house, came in, decided I would drink but not a lot, and just sat down to play some caught in the web with some friends (that game always cracks me up). Met a decently cute girl, flirted with Beej (who I decided I'm just not going to show any interest in whatsoever. She's gotta be banging my door down in lingerie if she wants it, after the weirdness she pulled). When people started showing up, I've seen this before, but it's always hilarious to me; every girl who was single was dressed to the nine's. Makeup, dresses, pushup bras, the whole shebang. It was especially funny to me because it was a kegger at not the classiest place in the world, and especially without a classy theme. These girls were dressed simply to attract male attention because somebody arbitrarily set a day where you HAVE to have somebody around or you're a failure and have to hate yourself. That's how I used to feel, this time I just enjoyed myself.
Doa (I've mentioned her briefly on here I believe in my homecoming post, and she's the girl who inspired my last post) has two friends who showed up, we'll call them Spain (because her name sounds like a spanish city) and Emo (because I like her hair and tongue piercing). Spain is pretty cute and tends to throw herself at guys, whether she likes them or not, but is super friendly and I enjoy her company. She definitely wants my dick. Emo is a lot of fun and at our last dance, designed her whole outfit to fit around her having a pierced tongue and told me I was her favorite, shes got a gorgeous face but is an all around bigger girl (not fat, but taller and a little chub, but she carries it well).
What was interesting about this was that I'm so interested in Doa, that I actually managed to contain myself and not hook up with either Spain or Emo (Spain was a for sure, Emo was a probably). however, I did write out an exception. I WOULD locking myself out with Doa for the chance at a threesome with both Emo and Spain. Early in the night, this seemed almost assured.
Doa showed up to the party a little later and came up to me, giving me her usual big hug and head on my shoulder, and introduced me to her imported dick for the evening. This was wonderful. When I thought that I had completely lost my chance with Doa (inspiring my angst fueld latenight "reminder" post) I started to hate her. I wanted to hurt her emotionally, I wanted her to walk in on me banging her best friend, I wanted her to throw herself at me just so I could have the satisfaction of turning her down, I wanted her to realize that I was an incredible catch and beat her self up for ever putting us to chance. My rationalization at the time was akin to this, "If you treat her in your mind like she's your enemy, just a dumb bitch who you don't like, you'll be able to act more aloof and attractive around her and your natural distance will spark more attraction." Seriously. This is how I used to think in high school, and I HATED women in high school. I don't hate women anymore, and I had a small revelation when I became conscious of this line of reasoning behind my feelings and fantasies about Doa.
It really is so much easier to hate something than to love it, and hate is yet another self defense mechanism designed to keep my fragile sense of self from "collapsing," or so it fears. It allows me to shift blame for things not turning out the way I had originally intended, from me, onto them. It's not that I wasn't man enough to make things happen, it's that she's a blind dumb bitch who can't see what a catch I am. It's not that I'm upset over not being with her, it's that she's a slut and I have higher standards than that and she doesn't deserve a guy like me. Hate is the defense mechanism that allows me to feel better about myself in the face of rejection, rather than own up to the fact that I didn't do so well as I should, and dealing with it. It is the shortcut that allows me to rationalize my way into bypassing growth.
Jumping back, when she introduced me to ImportedDick (the term meaning, she brought a guy in from her home town to spend valentines day with her, maybe just a friend to keep her company, maybe an exboyfriend, who knows, doesn't matter dont care) I didn't feel any curiousity about his history with Doa (other than to label him as ID) I was pleased to see Doa, not scared or upset, and I didn't collapse into a pit of self pity and loathing of women because Doa would probably have some other dude in her bed for the night (sidenote: little twinge of jealousy as I wrote that. I'm workin' on it).
I met a number of cute girls at the party, nothing particularly noteworthy, and on a weird sidenote, I think my standards were raised somehow for what constitutes big boobs. Either that or these girls, who I usually see as having massive tits, were wearing outfits that hid them, which doesn't make sense because it was valentines day and their tits were hanging out. A few of these girls probably have DDs and I was thinking "eh, they're kinda big" hahahaha. One kinda strung out but very sexy redhead (super long hair, love that) was making out with this hippy guy on the dancefloor (good for him) and he teased her expertly, it was great to see. She was trying to kiss him, her head at this angle \ (facing right) with her mouth raised trying to get to his, and he was at the same angle \, facing left keeping his mouth just out of reach of hers but with his forehead pressed to hers. I could tell it was driving her insane in the best way, and then he finally relented. Nice fuckin' job hippyguy.
I left the party at one point, and who should I see outside but Doa, ImportedDick, Spain, and Emo, all leaving as well. Visions of that threesome swam through my mind. "Hey guys, what are you up to?"
Spain - "oh we're heading back to our dorm, are you coming with us?"
And for some reason which I understand and annoys the bejesus out of me (I had made the decision to go home and subconsciously I was sticking to it regardless, I do this a lot, another defense mechanism) I told her I was probably going to just head home.
They went home, I went home. I got there, decided it was valentines day and there were girls out there who wanted to meet me, and went back to the party. I probably walked like a mile and a half total. Got back to the party, flirted with Beej some more (hoping she would indeed throw herself at me) and then saw Shygirl (I think thats what I named her on here) and talked with her a bit before I left again. So no dice, but I was proud that instead of just collapsing onto the computer, I went back out into the mix again.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
While I'm still a little tipsy and annoyed. Remember.
1. Girls absolutely will chase. Or in the words of your leading post and philosophy, they will seek a leader or to be led. In fact, they fucking love men who put them in this position.
2. Girls are sluts. No matter what conception you may have of who they are, they are absolutely sexual and would probably get D P'd by two randoms if nobody would find out. Any girl. It makes no difference if she's Christian, Jewish, Muslim, was raped at some point, declines comment when you ask about if she's a virgin, whatever. ALWAYS assume the worst, and by worst I mean that she has been fucked, many many times, by many different guys, and is looking for more. That doesn't mean I'm judging by saying "worst" it means I'm just putting in a particular context, like "bad girl."
3. Girls talk about the guys they're into with their girl friends. If they're into a guy, their friends fucking know it. They don't keep some little secret crush hoping nobody finds out, they talk. They love talking about it.
4. You are responsible for making things happen. Twist it any way you like, tell yourself it isn't the right moment or that "you don't have anything to say to her and when it's right you will." This changes nothing. You still have to make it happen. If she's running up to you and hugging you, it's because she likes you. Don't pull some pusshy shit "I'm going to wait because I don't want to show too much interest."
5. Get it the fuck done.
6. Stop being a pussy. In everything you do, stop being a pussy.
7. A girl cannot love you if you do not first love yourself. If you doubt your self to a point where you doubt if she could be into you, even in the face of overwhelming empirical evidence, you are showing weak shit, pussy behavior, and you're ACTIVELY turning her off, even if you think it's ok because you haven't been around her much. Your very VIBE is disgusting when you think and behave this way.
8. Bottom line. Refer to #6, then refer to #5.
Yes, I'm pissed off and angsty, but it needed to be said.