Um..weird

So theres this girl...


Imagine that!

Anyway, I'll call her Beej. So I used to have a thing for Beej, it never worked out for whatever reason, then recently she started giving me signs for some reason or another. One night she messaged me and said she "still had never been over to see my house" but I was busy and I told her so, and she said "ok fiiiiiine."

Anyway, I'm a little drunk and I was talking with FemmeFatale (good friend now) and left to use the bathroom. Beej is sitting on the stairs, we chat, I go do my thing, come back, sit down, she starts touching my leg and is receptive to me brushing the hair out of her face, so we start making out on the stairs in the lounge of this dorm. People keep coming in and out so we keep having to stop, I try to get her to leave, no dice and she's locked out of her room, waiting on the roommate to come open it up.

Anyway, I leave, that was like last saturday, so I text her...
"Beej!"

"Dasani!! What's up?"

"Reading homework, thinking i want a break soon"

"Breaks are always good!"

"Totally, what are you doing"

"Just reading for ed class"

"Thats dumb. Lets watch a movie, my friends rented this old comedy that I've been meaning to watch"

"hahaha ok fine.... Only if we can start it soon though"

"Yeah that works, my place is 5 mins from you. Need directions?"

"Yeah"

"[directions]"

She comes over and seems kinda nervous. I heard her come in, I was up in my room, and so I walked down to greet her. She was following my housemate, said Hi, and just walked right by me. Weird. So I kicked it downstairs for a minute, she came down, I got us some water and we both headed upstairs.

I took a few minutes to just talk TO her and try to help her get over whatever nerves she was feeling. I say TO because she wasn't talking. I tossed it up to nerves. Put in the movie ("The Pickup Artist" with Robert Downey Jr. I really enjoyed it), she sat down on the very edge of my bed (it's positioned toward my computer like a couch would be toward a tv), so I offered her a pillow for her back, she declined. She was already like 2 feet away from where I would have had her sit. So I remembered my lesson from TheActress, and I reached across and pulled her in and told her to sit closer. She semi resisted, and moved a couple inches away from me. Wtf?

We watch the whole movie a few inches apart. She doesn't laugh at the funny parts, she clutches her water and sits with her knees drawn almost up to her chest. I call her out on acting weird and nervous, of course she says she isnt.

I'm wondering why the heck she travelled all the way to my house (not that its very far, like 5-6 blocks, but it is chilly outside and was like 9:30 pm on a school night) to watch a movie if she didn't AT LEAST want to sit with me.

The end of the movie comes along, I had been trying to get her to chase a little or at least be receptive by laying away from her, then I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back I sat close again. She didn't move away this time, but I think now (foreshadowing!) that she was just trying to not be awkard by making it obvious she wasn't interested.

Anyway, I turn to her and say "hey this is kinda 7th grade boy, but do you want t kiss me?" She says no, appologizes, the movie ends, and I walk her to the door.

So here I am, puzzling over it and typing this up, and she texted me...
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on. I just thought you knew we are just friends."

"It's not a big deal. It's just weird"

"Why weird??"

Seriously? I don't know where to go with this in terms of attempting to move a rejection back into the green zone, so I just tell her how it is.

"You would only make girl excuses anyway, so dont worry about it, were just friends"

I'm a little annoyed at the whole affair, so I invited FemmeFatale over to kick it. I like this plan, get rejected by one, call another over. Not that I think FF will hook up with me, but it's nice anyway!

FR: The Happening

Last night I had SassyFrass' housemate, TheActress come over to watch a movie with me. We'll see what happens with the whole situation, but its possible that by doing this I may have locked myself out with SF. We'll see.

I was heading out to see Edguy in concert (if you have the opportunity, GO! Tobias Sammet is an amazing man on stage!) and I texted TheActress to see if she wanted to get together and watch a movie we had been planning on (I mentioned it in my last FR). She texted back that she would like to a little later, I said I'd be back about 11, she agreed.

The concert was amazing. I was two people from the stage and got one of my favorite songs on video.

Came home, called TheActress, she didn't answer. I was going to head out with my housemate to some parties, but she called back and said she had to shower before coming over, I said ok and "But I'm not sitting around for one of those hour long girly showers, you best hurry it up!" She calls again half an hour later ready to go, I go pick her up.

We come back here, my housemates have some people over playing catch phrase, The Actress pets our animals, we go up to my room to watch the movie. Talk a little bit, show her some pics and video from the concert, then ask for the movie. She didn't have it, she meant for us to rent it ondemand. So we headed out to one of those little redbox kiosks and got it for a dollar. So it was good that we had some time to just chill before launching into being in eachothers arms, she was talking kind of fast and I could tell she was a little nervous.

Anyway, what's important about this whole thing for me is this. This girl was super into me, and I'm attracted to her (moreso now) but I didn't feel any fear or anxiety at all, and thus I was acting in a very assertive, dominant, and attractive way. We got back, set up the movie, I had her sit down first, then I sat down next to her so close our bodies were together (I like to do this because if she doesn't want to sit close to me, she can move away right away), she didn't move so almost in the same motion as sitting down, I reached across her, grabbed her under her opposite leg/hip and pulled her closer into me. She leaned in and curled up her legs across mine and clutched my arm that was across her.

So, I'm comparing that to the way I acted with SassyFrass that night I went over to her place. This way was much better, much smoother, and much more comfortable. Sometimes I gotta relearn stuff to get it in properly.

We watched the whole movie, I debated whether or not to hook up with her. On the one hand, I'm into her, and on the other I don't want to mess it up with SF. It might not even mess it up with her, and the way TheActress was talking, she might not even talk to her housemates about her sexual activity, so maybe I'll just end up totally under the radar. Who knows. Long story short I decided to hook up with her.

We're cuddling after the movie under a blanket and I try to kiss her, but she won't let me. She says she's a prude and just wants to cuddle. We talk and talk and talk, I assure her that all she has to do is to say stop to me and I'll stop whatever I'm doing. She thanks me and sounds relieved. She's not used to the casual hookup thing, and I give her a short "I'm kind of a player" speach, finishing with my new favorite "line," "It's important to me that you know what kind of person I am before you get involved with me." She thanks me again.

What ensued was basically a "lets turn eachother on without ever actually hooking up" session. It was interesting, and this girl is way dirtier than I had originally thought. She has the most sensitive boobs of any girl I've ever come into contact with. Like imagine somebody has cold hands and shoves them up your shirt, the kind of physical and vocal reaction you might have, run that through an arousal filter, and you have what happens when I touch this girl's boobs. And she's got a good sized rack so I am well beyond down to TF.

She'll let me down the back of her pants, she loves me looking at her body, but she is hesitant to let me touch her boobs too much (clothes never came off) because "they're so sensitive, and I don't want to ruin that by having them touched too much, I want it to feel awesome every time." Which is just awesome reasoning, it's like not jerking off for a week, when you finally do get off, its waaaay more intense.

This girl talks dirty. Never been with a girl who really got into it the way she did. Unfortunately my voice was hoarse from the concert I had just gotten back from, so it was hard to talk the way I wanted to, and I'm not very good at dirty talk, but I'm learning. She keeps asking me to describe to her the things I want to do to her while we're gently dry humping and she constantly seems on the verge of orgasm. She's an interesting girl.

We end up staying up till like 4:30am talking and fooling around (without actually fooling around) before I take her home. She kept saying things about how her housemates are crazy (like wild partiers and love to fuck) and kept asking me if I found them attractive. Said to me "didn't you and SassyFrass have a thing?" to which I replied "not really, we had kind of a nothing...a No-Thing as eckhart tolle would say." Which cracked me up that I could use "no-thing" in casual conversation. She's definitely got some insecurities and so I told her bluntly, "look, you're going to have to get used to the idea of me with other girls if you want to do this *gesturing* but if you want to just be friends, that's cool too." Gently mentining that I'm cool with just being friends, I like that, I'll have to remember.

Couple other things, she talked about some people being "easy" aka slutty and how she isn't, and I told her, "theres no such thing as easy, there is comfortable, and uncomfortable." and explained what I meant. I like that way of discribing the slutty vs not slutty issue. Some people are more comfortable with sexual activity earlier on because they have different values, it doesn't make them easier or more slutty, they just have values that allow them to become more comfortable more quickly in a sexual situation. If a person is 100% comfortable with being sexual with another person and it happens, it has nothing to do with ease or sluttiness. Just amount of time it takes to become comfortable.

New Goal!

Get a girl who is willing and able to dance (read: strip) for me, to this song...

FR: Tasting Abundance

Last night I was taking it easy, just going to watch a movie at the house. This girl I kinda know, SassyFrass' housemate, adds me on facebook while I'm online. We'll call her TheActress. I write on her wall something like "oh my god I'm friends with a z-list celebrity! eee!" and she writes back, and I write back, etc etc until I send her an instant message on FB. We start talking, I really enjoy talking with her, she's got such a unique sense of humor and I was actually giggling at my computer.

She asks for my AIM name, I give it to her, we start talking on there. She says she likes talking to me. We joke around some more, I tell her I'm leaving to go watch a movie, and give her my number and tell her to call or text when she's back in town (we're on break). She gives me her number and asks me to text her because she doesn't have her phone on her to put it in, I do. We had talked about The Happening and she asked "you wanna watch it sometime?"

"yeah sure"

"watch it with me?"

"love to"

"ok! :)"

Which I thought was just damned adorable. I went downstairs, got into my movie, and about 2/3 through it, SassyFrass texts me...

"Wat are ya up to?"

Thought about Nilatak's advice, didn't want to be too eager and be like "oh man, alone and watching a movie, you should join me" So I just answered the question.

"Watchin a movie"

"Hmm ok. Im home alone"

I took a second to respond because at this point I was freaking out a little bit because this girl intimidates me and I figured this was a booty call for sure (about 11:30 pm) and ran upstairs to check the advice that Nilatak had given me about texting and neediness one more time, and she sent another text.
"Ok. Im home alone."

"Thats weak. Theres still some movie left"

"Yea im just lonely and stupid [housemate] and [housemate's boyfriend] are at [boyfriend's]. so iv got to b alone. sad."

I decided she was playing it safe, and I was just going to go all in.

"Well if you want to finish this one with me, ill bring it over"

"O! Haha no its fine. I didnt mean u had to come now or interupt ur movie."

Maybe she didn't want me to come over...?

"Ill be over in 10"

"Do u want me to pick u up?"

Maybe she did.

I was honestly worried the short car ride would be awkward, so...

"Nah. Ill bike"

Grabbed condoms, brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, and headed out. Couple minutes later I'm there and I walk in. For some reason it just doesn't feel on. We sit down on the same couch, are sitting close enough for our bodies to be touching, have a blanket over us, the house is empty except us, and it doesn't feel on. I decide this is stupid, but I can't get myself to emotionally respond to what logically looks like it should be a very easily sexual situation. She is acting very girly, like "I'm in need of a strong man to take care of me" girly. I'm shocked and confused because normally she's so god damned alpha I'm intimidated into near silence.

We can't get the original movie to work, so we put in a different one. We don't even cuddle, just sit close. I toy with the idea of saying "So did you invite me over here to sit close or are we going to cuddle" but I didn't, instead I got up, got some water, and when I sat back down I put my arm around her, but she didn't really adjust for it and in a minute said it was uncomfortable and moved away. I was confused. Later on she lays down toward her side of the couch, so I concede it as a loss and try to get her to chase me by withdrawing to my own side of the couch.

About 15 minutes later, it works. She picks up the pillows, gives them to me to make myself comfortable, then leans in to snuggle up with me. I move us into spooning position, but I'm still acting like a pussy, or at least I thought so. The movie is almost over, so I start nuzzling her neck and ear and gently kiss her and nibble on her neck, she likes it, but then pulls away and is like "no, no thats not why I invited you here, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make it seem that way" or something like that, not in a forceful way but keeping with the down-girly tone of the evening.

I pull away and say that's cool, and suddenly BAM I didn't care anymore. What's she going to do, reject me again? Pshhhhh. I start playing with her body like a "rag doll" to quote her, moving her around, pulling her in, making constant fun of her, and generally amusing myself. I tell a bunch of stories about other girls (It seemed to fit at the time, I wasn't thinking about preselection stories or anything, but later she was like "you know, for coming here and trying to hook up, you tell a lot of stories about other girls, its an interesting tactic" or something like that) and we really start getting to know eachother.

The other night when we had hung out, she got pretty drunk and was crazily throwing punches at me, not violently, but harder than she should because she was drunk. I would catch her arms and spin her around and hold her, and I guess I gave her a couple bruises. One between her bicep and her upper arm bone, and on the other arm right at the elbow. Wrestlers know what thats about. Anyway, she comes in with something about how, and I dont know how it came up anymore, but how all the pieces were in place for "a girl" to accuse me of sexual assault, seeing as how nobody was around, shes got bruises, etc etc, and how the court would side with "the girl" in an instant. She wasn't threatening me, she just thought it would be interesting I spose.

I decided this was not the point to hide my feelings. I don't want to make a victim of myself, but she's right, and thats fucked up, and it's fucked up to joke about. I make like I'm going to leave. I think it was the second time I put on my jacket and was about to go. She reeled me back in and apologized, tried to get me to talk about it. I didn't want to, we changed the subject.

It got fun again, she asked me to stay for another movie, I had a sandwich. We're spooning and I'm starting to fall asleep, so I tell her, and tell her I should go. She thrusts her hips abck into me and I pull her in and start smelling her hair and gently nuzzling her. She calls me a tease, I bite her neck and kiss her neck and shoulders. I pull her in for a kiss and she's like "no, I'm not kissing you" so I say "fine, you don't get to" and I fully intended to bang her without ever kissing her. But it just wasn't working out. As aggressive as I was being, I think I could have been even moreso and made it happen.

Eventually I got up to leave, made her get up, played with her a little more, she comes to the door to help me out and I shove her against the wall. She really likes that, calls me a tease again, wraps her leg around me as I kiss her neck more and she moans. Then she pushes me off and I walk out.

I think she really just wanted the last hurrah, which is too bad for me for falling into it, and if I wasn't so committed to leaving at that point I probably could have just told her to shut up, pushed her back against the wall, then taken her. I did a lot of things wrong, but to me the most important thing was getting to the point where I can be ME around her, instead of all intimidated and weird. Also, I had a lot of fun, which is how it should be. Even if I don't get with her, her house mate is obviously into me, so...awesome!

FR: "SHE WAS MY FIRST ASIAN!"

Went to a friend's birthday party last night, lots of fun and good times all around. I met a pretty cute asian girl wearing a playboy bunny outfit, Asia.

Asia and I flirt on and off throughout the night, I had her take my phone number and call my phone, then we left a voicemail on her phone together, and I also had her text me asking me to call her. She's wearing my headband from my costume.

The end of the night rolls around and I get in the car to get a ride home. Asia is driving a couple other people, in their car, back to their place. We get there, they unload, Asia and I get into the car of one of her friends and head back to the original party, where we change cars again, this time it's just me and Asia and she's taking me home.

We get here and I say, "pull up into the driveway and park, and come inside for a second" She says ok and complies. We go inside, I get some water, we go up to my room. I close the door, change out of my costume (muay thai fighter) and start talking about my little movie collection and ask her to pick one. We choose Casino Royale, she's sitting on my bed and says something I call her a liar, she says she never lies, so I sit near her, moving gradually closer and say "you don't lie? never? you'd never lie to me..." as I close in and kiss her. She kisses me but she's all non commital about the kiss. We kiss a little more, she says she should go, I say I want her to stay, she says ok and we start the movie. We cuddle, makeout, cuddle, makeout, she can't seem to accept that I really like her, "I don't usually dress like this, you're going to see me around at school and you're going to think I look like a bum" I say something to the effect of "whatever."

Turns out Asia is a virgin. A legit virgin, to quote Millennium, "They DO exist..!"

She really wants me to call, I'm going to, but we'll see. I've never been with an asian girl before, but she's also a virgin. She left a little later.

LR: LittleOne

Not much to say about this one. It was a few weeks coming, but it inevitably did. I was at LittleOne's place the other night, just watching a movie and cuddling, it was understood I was going to stay the night. She starts humping my leg, we start fooling around, and finally she lets the panties come off. We couldn't have sex because it was the one night I didn't bring a condom with me, because I genuinely didn't want to have sex that night (before that point).

The next night I went over, had her take me out to dinner, then we went back and sealed the deal, "You did bring a condom this time, right?" It's good to be with somebody I actually like. Speaking of which, I give credit to (though it's a correlation, not a cause) this happening, the end of her LMR, to a text I sent (and the amount of time we spent together).

Me: "You miss, are a little tiny female"

Her: "oh really. you're so observant"

Me: "Yep, and I have another observation..."

Her: "What is it"

Me: "I like you :)"

Her: "aww, I think I like you too"

Just something sweet for her to think about while we were apart, a few days before we finally had sex.

I'm too god damn safe

Like the title says, I'm too god damn safe. I'm so WORRIED about rejection, even on a small scale.

Look at many of my approaches. Unless the girls are jumping down my throat, I'm in and out in 5-20 seconds. Wam! They're laughing awesome! better leave because I feel like I MIGHT run out of steam. And I'm out.

Last time I saw SassyFrass I was in a bad mood and she invited me over to cook dinner for me. She texted me the next day, asking if I was still interested and if I'd go to the play at school with her too. I said yes, we planned for tonight at 6: 30. She texts me at like 5:45 "did you say youd go to the play with me?" I said yes and that she said shed make me dinner. She siad she didnt have any food, blah blah, she calls me, turns out she does have food but just doesn't have any chicken for the macaroni she's making. Fine. We talk for a bit and I feel a good energy on the phone. She's being girly and I'm having fun.

I'm a little nervous going over there, managed to see a couple girls I knew on the way over and chatted a bit to get the social juices going. Got there, it was kinda blah, but she was giving me passive signs that she was into me. Look at me, looking for signs when a girl makes me dinner and invites me out with her. Anyway, I sit on one of three couches and she sits on the same one, we fight over the remote and she seems to be enjoying herself. Her housemate comes home, turns out shes coming too because another housemate is starring in the play. Fine. SF basically ignores me while she's talking to her friend. We go to the play, SF basically ignores me while talking with another girl. At one point I pulled her into a half hug for some reason and she complied with putting her head into my chest so easily, but nope, not enough for me. We watch the whole play, I touch her like once, she never touches me. At one point I'm on the phone with a friend during intermission because she was off talking to some other people, she asks who I'm talking to and I tell her and say "Say hi SassyFrass" and she pulls away from the phone looking weirded out and says "Why?" and asks "Does your friend not believe you're out with a girl?" I realize that that is exactly what it looks like, like I had said "dude i'm out with this chick, check it out I'll make her say hi just so you KNOW!" I reply to her "yeah totally" or something like that.

Anyway, nothing happens, we watch the play and congratulate her housemate on doing so well.

I ask the girl who drove if she can take me home, she does, I leave.

This girl wants to be fucked. Well, WANTED to be fucked, I can't say for sure now. I mean part of me is like "dude its fine, you didn't give her any real indications that you were into her, so nothing has changed, she still wants it" part of me is like "don't even fucking worry, it's one girl, you still might get her, and you might not, it doesn't matter either way" and part of me says "ugg how come you're such a god damned pussy"

I am not a pussy. I am tired of acting like one. I hereby commit myself to putting my "self" ON THE LINE. I will run in under a hail of gunfire, I will not submit to paltry social pressures like "somebody might see me put my arm around her...oh god!" No more of that stupid crap. I'm done with it. I'd much rather get rejected and be able to say I tried than to come back here and bitch at the internet.

FR: Parties and such

I'm losing momentum. Not having my car, I haven't been getting out as often as I'd like, and by that I mean the only time I'm going out specifically to practice is...never. I get a few random approaches in during the week, real spur of the moment stuff and I've made some solid contacts, and I usually hit a party or two on the weekend.

Anyway, tonight I went over to a buddy's house, a dual 21st birthday. I just kind of mingled, I was having fun but I was moving everywhere. That's something I do at parties that I've got to slow down, I never allow myself time to chill and relax into the environment and make some connections. I walk around, moving from point to point, talking with people in short bursts before walking away. I think I'm just deathly afraid of putting myself out there in a committed interaction sometimes. One thing I did well, this girl I call C-Frish, I don't even know her real name and it's become a joke between us, I tell her never to tell me. Anyway I saw her and I busted on her way too hard, something about how she was embarassing me and herself. She looked legitimately hurt and started walking away, so i grabbed her by the arm and said "hey, come back here.." and pulled her in for a big hug, which she fully invested herself in. I realized I was being a douche, and I pulled it back, that's important.

I left a little while later and met up with Millenium. He and I headed to another house party with his girlfriend and her friend. Got there, I just didn't feel social tonight, I mingled a little bit and this girl who loves me for some reason and is not from around here but visits, comes up, ignores her boyfriend for me, but then introduces him as her boyfriend. Too bad. I tried to leave and call it a night but I met up with some friends and they literally carried me back.

I'm chatting with Millenium and leaning over, so my stomach was kinda fatty feeling under my shirt (I'm not fat, but I'm not in the best shape of my life). Anyway, M's girlfriend starts grabbing my fat, it kinda tickles and hurts and she goes "what is all this!?" I think it's so stupid that I do it back and say "oh wow! look you've got it too!" she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and starts kicking and punching me. Legitimately trying to hurt me, I'm like "Millenium, regulate this shit." But he thinks we're kidding around and she keeps trying to hit me. Part of me was confused I was being attacked, and part of me was saddened that a girl, upon receiving exactly the same treatment that she's giving, flips the fuck out. One of the other girls "broke it up," the girlfriend walks away, comes back, and then starts complimenting me....Right.

Inside I ended up meeting a very cute japanese foreign exchange student, Japan. I grabbed her by the arm and asked her why everybody was leaving the room I was headed for. I should remember that, I don't always have to approach somebody in a direct or clever way. Asking them a question is just fine. That doesn't mean I'm going to walk around shooting opinion openers off at parties, that is stupid, but sometimes i gotta hammer the basics in.

At one point this older community guy I know through the lair comes over and starts trying to DHV me to a girl I've known for a year. This is one reason I try to avoid him.

Japan and I start talking and part, I see her again, later I see her walking by and I just yell "JAPAN!! come here" she comes over and we start talking. The girl she was with, she met that night. I move her out of the room too come with me to get some water. We move around the party and talk a little bit, she was super nice, though I can't be sure if she was attracted. I got her phone number, gave her mine, was going to leave her a voicemail with both of us talking but she doesnt have voicemail because shes only in the country for a little while and her plan doesn't cover it. Her almost transsexual friend comes over. He(almost she... I heard he's actually taking hormones and he does have a wicked feminine voice) and I talk a little bit, but he is leaving the party and takes Japan with him.

I was heading home myself when I ran across the girl who really needs a damn name because she keeps coming up. She is upset and walking home alone, at night, in north portland. Not the safest. I offer to walk her. We get all the way to her house when her drunk housemate calls, tells her she walked the wrong way trying to get home (also alone) and so now we have to go and get her. We do. On the way back to my place (which was in the direction we had to go to meet the drunk girl) I ran into SassyFrass. She runs up and hugs me and wraps her legs around me, and says we're going to hang out soon and sorry for passing out on the couch the night before (I went over for a small get together, just some friends and drinking games.) She's going to make me dinner on wednesday.

Anyway, I get my housemates boyfriend to drive the lot of us back to the drunk girls' house and drop them off, then come back.

I think a key to getting good at this is being able to develop the mindset where I'm genuinely curious about any person I choose to be curious about. The only girl i was really interested, consciously and emotionally (not just attracted to), tonight was Japan, but there were TONS of hott females around.

******************

For some reason, I am upset and a little angry with girls. I was fine with walking the original drunk girl home, its not like she asked me, I decided it was the right thing to do. But drunk girl kept getting on the phone while I was walking her, and I started caring less and less. Eventually I started to get downright annoyed. Who is so stupid drunk that they walk a mile in the wrong direction trying to get home. That isn't a question.

By the time we rendezvous with the real drunk girl, I didn't even want to look at either of them, just get them home and get me home. I don't know why this whole situation pissed me off. I guess maybe because I didn't feel like I was getting the respect I deserved for the great pains I was taking to get these girls home safe. I think it's the old nice guy in me, upset that he isn't getting laid for doing nice "gentlemanly" things. The thing is, I'm just not interested in sleeping with the first girl I was walking home with, I used to be, now I'm repulsed at the idea. I would probably with the other, she's just a weird girl so its like a novelty attraction. But I wasn't actively interested in it.

Seeing SassyFrass and having her confirm to make me dinner and hang out actually put me in a worse mood. Whats up with that? Ug, gotta figure some shit out. Gotta get in field more.