Wednesday, October 15, 2008
FR: Tasting Abundance
Last night I was taking it easy, just going to watch a movie at the house. This girl I kinda know, SassyFrass' housemate, adds me on facebook while I'm online. We'll call her TheActress. I write on her wall something like "oh my god I'm friends with a z-list celebrity! eee!" and she writes back, and I write back, etc etc until I send her an instant message on FB. We start talking, I really enjoy talking with her, she's got such a unique sense of humor and I was actually giggling at my computer.
She asks for my AIM name, I give it to her, we start talking on there. She says she likes talking to me. We joke around some more, I tell her I'm leaving to go watch a movie, and give her my number and tell her to call or text when she's back in town (we're on break). She gives me her number and asks me to text her because she doesn't have her phone on her to put it in, I do. We had talked about The Happening and she asked "you wanna watch it sometime?"
"watch it with me?"
Which I thought was just damned adorable. I went downstairs, got into my movie, and about 2/3 through it, SassyFrass texts me...
"Wat are ya up to?"
Thought about Nilatak's advice, didn't want to be too eager and be like "oh man, alone and watching a movie, you should join me" So I just answered the question.
"Watchin a movie"
"Hmm ok. Im home alone"
I took a second to respond because at this point I was freaking out a little bit because this girl intimidates me and I figured this was a booty call for sure (about 11:30 pm) and ran upstairs to check the advice that Nilatak had given me about texting and neediness one more time, and she sent another text.
"Ok. Im home alone."
"Thats weak. Theres still some movie left"
"Yea im just lonely and stupid [housemate] and [housemate's boyfriend] are at [boyfriend's]. so iv got to b alone. sad."
I decided she was playing it safe, and I was just going to go all in.
"Well if you want to finish this one with me, ill bring it over"
"O! Haha no its fine. I didnt mean u had to come now or interupt ur movie."
Maybe she didn't want me to come over...?
"Ill be over in 10"
"Do u want me to pick u up?"
Maybe she did.
I was honestly worried the short car ride would be awkward, so...
"Nah. Ill bike"
Grabbed condoms, brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, and headed out. Couple minutes later I'm there and I walk in. For some reason it just doesn't feel on. We sit down on the same couch, are sitting close enough for our bodies to be touching, have a blanket over us, the house is empty except us, and it doesn't feel on. I decide this is stupid, but I can't get myself to emotionally respond to what logically looks like it should be a very easily sexual situation. She is acting very girly, like "I'm in need of a strong man to take care of me" girly. I'm shocked and confused because normally she's so god damned alpha I'm intimidated into near silence.
We can't get the original movie to work, so we put in a different one. We don't even cuddle, just sit close. I toy with the idea of saying "So did you invite me over here to sit close or are we going to cuddle" but I didn't, instead I got up, got some water, and when I sat back down I put my arm around her, but she didn't really adjust for it and in a minute said it was uncomfortable and moved away. I was confused. Later on she lays down toward her side of the couch, so I concede it as a loss and try to get her to chase me by withdrawing to my own side of the couch.
About 15 minutes later, it works. She picks up the pillows, gives them to me to make myself comfortable, then leans in to snuggle up with me. I move us into spooning position, but I'm still acting like a pussy, or at least I thought so. The movie is almost over, so I start nuzzling her neck and ear and gently kiss her and nibble on her neck, she likes it, but then pulls away and is like "no, no thats not why I invited you here, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make it seem that way" or something like that, not in a forceful way but keeping with the down-girly tone of the evening.
I pull away and say that's cool, and suddenly BAM I didn't care anymore. What's she going to do, reject me again? Pshhhhh. I start playing with her body like a "rag doll" to quote her, moving her around, pulling her in, making constant fun of her, and generally amusing myself. I tell a bunch of stories about other girls (It seemed to fit at the time, I wasn't thinking about preselection stories or anything, but later she was like "you know, for coming here and trying to hook up, you tell a lot of stories about other girls, its an interesting tactic" or something like that) and we really start getting to know eachother.
The other night when we had hung out, she got pretty drunk and was crazily throwing punches at me, not violently, but harder than she should because she was drunk. I would catch her arms and spin her around and hold her, and I guess I gave her a couple bruises. One between her bicep and her upper arm bone, and on the other arm right at the elbow. Wrestlers know what thats about. Anyway, she comes in with something about how, and I dont know how it came up anymore, but how all the pieces were in place for "a girl" to accuse me of sexual assault, seeing as how nobody was around, shes got bruises, etc etc, and how the court would side with "the girl" in an instant. She wasn't threatening me, she just thought it would be interesting I spose.
I decided this was not the point to hide my feelings. I don't want to make a victim of myself, but she's right, and thats fucked up, and it's fucked up to joke about. I make like I'm going to leave. I think it was the second time I put on my jacket and was about to go. She reeled me back in and apologized, tried to get me to talk about it. I didn't want to, we changed the subject.
It got fun again, she asked me to stay for another movie, I had a sandwich. We're spooning and I'm starting to fall asleep, so I tell her, and tell her I should go. She thrusts her hips abck into me and I pull her in and start smelling her hair and gently nuzzling her. She calls me a tease, I bite her neck and kiss her neck and shoulders. I pull her in for a kiss and she's like "no, I'm not kissing you" so I say "fine, you don't get to" and I fully intended to bang her without ever kissing her. But it just wasn't working out. As aggressive as I was being, I think I could have been even moreso and made it happen.
Eventually I got up to leave, made her get up, played with her a little more, she comes to the door to help me out and I shove her against the wall. She really likes that, calls me a tease again, wraps her leg around me as I kiss her neck more and she moans. Then she pushes me off and I walk out.
I think she really just wanted the last hurrah, which is too bad for me for falling into it, and if I wasn't so committed to leaving at that point I probably could have just told her to shut up, pushed her back against the wall, then taken her. I did a lot of things wrong, but to me the most important thing was getting to the point where I can be ME around her, instead of all intimidated and weird. Also, I had a lot of fun, which is how it should be. Even if I don't get with her, her house mate is obviously into me, so...awesome!