I just realized some other things BigBear helped me to realize myself. Like I said, she's one of the hottest girls I've ever been with, and thinking back I realized some very insecure shit I was thinking while with/interacting with her.
*We were looking into eachothers eyes during sex, and at some point she looked away, and I thought "she must be seeing how gross I look with all this acne" or something to that effect. My acne has been flaring up the past couple weeks (stress I suppose), but normally it doesn't bother me so much. I was worried that I wasn't physically attractive enough for this girl WHILE I WAS INSIDE HER!
*Being with hotter girls acts like a mirror on my self and the state of my game. I might get with a 7 and not give a fuck about anything, but then I'm with a 9 (and I'm really not into rating girls, but I have to put it into perspective for myself some how) and suddenly I feel insecure. That says a lot about my internals, and it also says it's time to upgrade.
*No LMR with BigBear. Another correlation based on little evidence but still worth noting. Best looking girl in awhile, no LMR. Then I get masses when I get with girls like Asia or TheActress. Good looking girls have greater access to sex, and as such they have more experience upon which to base their conclusions about sex and relationships. They're not hypocrits operating on outdated belief structures that have no basis in experienced reality. BigBear decided she wanted to fuck me, and didn't fuck around going about it. What happened after... who knows.
*Does it really matter if you know why? Seriously, if I knew why BigBear didn't try to fuck me again, would it really change anything? Would it really matter? The only thing I could see changing would be if she just decided she got what she wanted and was just being polite, in which case I would see no reason to go any further with it. Basically, the NEED to know that kind of stuff is a function of the Ego's never ending desires and wants. Greater control, greater mastery, avoiding fear of the unknown, whatever, it really isn't important enough to feel insecure over. Not much if anything really is.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
What I Learned This Weekend
*First and foremost, the Threshold. My idea of what it takes to cross it was totally rocked last night. I've never slept with a girl so fast after meeting her, and I have yet to cross the threshold with her. I'm comfortable, but I'm not to the point where I just don't care, but in a nonchalant kind of way. Crossing the threshold I hypothesize, has more to do with me than where the relationship is. I banged this girl, but I didn't feel, as I usually do, that "whew, sex is out of the way, now we can be normal together." I'll have to figure this out, this is absolutely key.
*A lot about being the prize. BigBear definitely saw me as the prize. Whether she still does is in the air. I saw her tonight and I got the same sort of "I'll kiss you but not committed" as I did last night after we had sex. Buyers remorse? Maybe, but that doesn't match up with everything else. I texted her once this morning in response to a text she sent me sometime last night that I ignored. We ended up texting most of the morning, like 11-3:30, and we planned to meet up tonight and have dinner, which she would pay for. However, she texted when she got back into town from what she was doing, and invited me to ice cream. I said I didnt want ice cream and asked about sushi, she said something about how her mom didn't believe she was going to dinner...weak, maybe not true because she later told me she had eaten. ANyway, she then said she and her cousin were going to starbucks. I responded with "I see." And left it at that. She texted asking what i was doing, I got distracted and took awhile to answer so she called me. She invited me over to her place to watch a movie with her cousin and her. I went. Her parents are nuts, I was sitting in a chair and she was on her bed with her cousin, the mom came in at 11 to kick us out. I drove with her and her cousin to drop the cousin off, hoping she and I could hook it up on the way back home. No dice, I had her walk me to my car when we got back to her place, pulled her into me and we madeout a little, not erotically, she was pretty non commital, although she did put her hands in my back pockets. Then I shoved her away and she said "dont shove me i'll shove you back" and I said "thats what makes it fun!" and we parted.
Ok so that was basically a FR of tonight, but the prize parts are evident for later browsing.
*When I have crossed the threshold I don't analyze so much. Notice the intense analysis up above. Weak. Let it be as it is.
*Enjoy the process. This was a huge milestone, to lay a girl so quickly, I'm shattering my old concepts of what is possible, but that doesn't mean I have to get hooked on making this girl an MLTR or something. So what if we don't have sex again? Yeah it was fun, yeah you'd like to do it and be more on par...oh shit. I just realized I identify with being bad in bed and therefore have a vested self interest in being bad. The theory stands! However, I now identify as all the girls identify me, as awesome in bed and an experience to be savored.
Finishing the original thought process, this whole deal is a process. If the first time you ever played soccer against another team you scored a goal, you're not a failure if you don't score again that game, or continue to consistently score goals. Realize that its a taste of success, and things will progress and you will improve over time. It's not a big deal.
*Breathing techniques work wonders for anxiety
*Remember not to act out of a state of reaction. You'll find the world is not on your side when you do. Remember to stay conscious and stay present, don't allow the emotions that flood you to intoxicate you to the point where you forget that you are the presence behind those thoughts and feelings, not the thoughts and feelings themselves.
*Parent "game." I forgot how much parents like me. It's always good to make jokes and get them laughing. Mine tonight, the little dog was being held up by BigBear for her cousin to "kiss" and the dog licked her lips, then she held it out to kiss me and I said "no, you don't get to kiss me, we just met, I have rules." Which was hilarious.
*Win over the friends. I got the cousin laughing at about everything i said, it helps that i'm a funny bitch.
Something I'd like to know how to deal with, is her talking about her ex. It didnt bother me so I just ignored it and watched a movie, but I don't feel like it was helping to have her facebook chatting with him (the needy creepy dude, jesus, some of the stuff...anyway) while the movie was on.
*A lot about being the prize. BigBear definitely saw me as the prize. Whether she still does is in the air. I saw her tonight and I got the same sort of "I'll kiss you but not committed" as I did last night after we had sex. Buyers remorse? Maybe, but that doesn't match up with everything else. I texted her once this morning in response to a text she sent me sometime last night that I ignored. We ended up texting most of the morning, like 11-3:30, and we planned to meet up tonight and have dinner, which she would pay for. However, she texted when she got back into town from what she was doing, and invited me to ice cream. I said I didnt want ice cream and asked about sushi, she said something about how her mom didn't believe she was going to dinner...weak, maybe not true because she later told me she had eaten. ANyway, she then said she and her cousin were going to starbucks. I responded with "I see." And left it at that. She texted asking what i was doing, I got distracted and took awhile to answer so she called me. She invited me over to her place to watch a movie with her cousin and her. I went. Her parents are nuts, I was sitting in a chair and she was on her bed with her cousin, the mom came in at 11 to kick us out. I drove with her and her cousin to drop the cousin off, hoping she and I could hook it up on the way back home. No dice, I had her walk me to my car when we got back to her place, pulled her into me and we madeout a little, not erotically, she was pretty non commital, although she did put her hands in my back pockets. Then I shoved her away and she said "dont shove me i'll shove you back" and I said "thats what makes it fun!" and we parted.
Ok so that was basically a FR of tonight, but the prize parts are evident for later browsing.
*When I have crossed the threshold I don't analyze so much. Notice the intense analysis up above. Weak. Let it be as it is.
*Enjoy the process. This was a huge milestone, to lay a girl so quickly, I'm shattering my old concepts of what is possible, but that doesn't mean I have to get hooked on making this girl an MLTR or something. So what if we don't have sex again? Yeah it was fun, yeah you'd like to do it and be more on par...oh shit. I just realized I identify with being bad in bed and therefore have a vested self interest in being bad. The theory stands! However, I now identify as all the girls identify me, as awesome in bed and an experience to be savored.
Finishing the original thought process, this whole deal is a process. If the first time you ever played soccer against another team you scored a goal, you're not a failure if you don't score again that game, or continue to consistently score goals. Realize that its a taste of success, and things will progress and you will improve over time. It's not a big deal.
*Breathing techniques work wonders for anxiety
*Remember not to act out of a state of reaction. You'll find the world is not on your side when you do. Remember to stay conscious and stay present, don't allow the emotions that flood you to intoxicate you to the point where you forget that you are the presence behind those thoughts and feelings, not the thoughts and feelings themselves.
*Parent "game." I forgot how much parents like me. It's always good to make jokes and get them laughing. Mine tonight, the little dog was being held up by BigBear for her cousin to "kiss" and the dog licked her lips, then she held it out to kiss me and I said "no, you don't get to kiss me, we just met, I have rules." Which was hilarious.
*Win over the friends. I got the cousin laughing at about everything i said, it helps that i'm a funny bitch.
Something I'd like to know how to deal with, is her talking about her ex. It didnt bother me so I just ignored it and watched a movie, but I don't feel like it was helping to have her facebook chatting with him (the needy creepy dude, jesus, some of the stuff...anyway) while the movie was on.
LR: BigBear
The name I'm giving this girl, BigBear, is not at all flattering to who she is. She's actually one of, if not the hottest girl I've ever been with, but she is also taller than me and freakishly strong. The aftermath of our getting together also helped...
I'm back in my hometown and went over to a buddies house to play some beer pong and just chill out with the old crew. We all move out from the garage to this cool little offshoot tiny house thing and hang out there. My buddy has been texting BigBear all night and got her to come over. This was the first time I had ever actually met her (to my knowledge) however our dad's worked together for some huge number of years in the navy, so I was familiar with her last name. She made some comment when she got there (from sitting in my buddy's lap, he had apparently made out with her some time in the past and they seemed into each other, I thought he had her) after introductions had been made to the other people like "oh but Dasani and I have known each other like our whole lives!" I wanted to say that she must have been thinking of somebody else but I just laughed and moved on.
I just chilled out and made conversation with everybody, told tons of jokes, and just had a blast with my friends. She had arrived around 11 or so, and about 12 I suggested that we go get some food. She was totally sober (I was getting there) so I volunteered her to drive us. So it was me, her, and two other guys. We all go to get food, we talk some more in the car. She makes some more comments about knowing my family, I remained confused. We head back to my friend's place and sit down to eat, she stands up and says shes going to head home, I cut her off, "Hey BigBear, wait like 20 and take me home, I need a ride." She says ok and sits back down, I finish my food and ask if she's ready to go, she says she is ready when I am, I say my goodbyes and we leave.
We get into her car, I've been busting on her for getting in so many car wrecks and tell her I'll be very upset if she kills me. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of what was going on verbally, it just wasn't that big of a deal. Just me keeping people laughing and occasionally engaging her so she didn't get left out. I did notice that she was quiet during the early part of the night and as people filtered in and out (some went to hang in the garage) she perked up. But anyway. She drives me home and about 3/4 of the way there I'm like "oh yeah do you know where I live?" and she says "Yeah I do actually, kinda creepy huh?" I was actually really surprised, maybe I had met this girl in the past and she just sucked or something so I forgot her. But to me it seemed like she created some fable about me and our families...whatever. We get to my house and we're still talking, I tell her to pull past the drive way and stop by these bushes. She does. The engine is still running and we keep talking for like 10 minutes, so I tell her to pull forward three more feet (to clear the driveway) and turn the engine off. She does. We keep talking.
She reaches over and hits me playfully a couple of times for me being a goober and making fun of her (I really wish I had a better memory of the conversation, even when I don't drink a lot things get fuzzy and I was sober by this point, about 1:30 or so), her hand is in the air and I, within context of the moment, reach out and squeeze it for a second. She closes her hand around mine and I let go. I was pretty positive it was on but I still felt a little anxious, so before I let it get crazy I reminded myself not to become unconscious (been listening to a lot of Tolle). BigBear is a talk box, get her started and she will keep going. I was grateful for this at this point, and in a pause in her speech I opened the door, and as I stepped outside said, "Hey lets go inside, you can only stay for a few minutes though, I have to get up early." I'm sure I had told her at some point that I was planning to leave in the morning to head back to Portland, so I suppose I had that sense of urgency and scarcity going for me.
We go inside and head right into my basement. Lights were off, so I turned them low instead of on and we sat down and I turned the tv on "for background noise." We have two couches and an armchair down there, I sat in my favorite spot and moved the blankets over and BigBear came and sat in the spot next to me. I decided that if everything else wasn't good enough for me, this had to be. It was very on, despite me feeling no vibe the entire night. I bring up one blanket and get under, "hey you want some of this" she says "yeah!" and starts picking it up, I reach over her and grab the other side of her hip and scoot her into me and put my arm around her, she leans in and puts her head on my chest. I realize she is chewing gum and ask for some, she left it in the car, so I excuse myself to find some (I still smell like fastfood). So I run upstairs, grab condoms, brush my teeth, and wash my hands, then head back down. We cuddle some more and talk, at one point I tried to pull her up to kiss me but she pulled away, I think she just didn't realize what I was doing. After 20 or so minutes of cuddling, I pulled her up again and we started making out.
Pushed her on her back, we keep at it, she lets me brush past her boobs, so I go back up and touch them more. Pull her into me and we start dry fucking (df'ing) I pull the straps of her bra and top off her shoulders and move her arms through them, then pull them down so I can get to her bare breasts. Reached around behind her back and undid her bra in one motion and she goes "Wow! That was so smooth!" I laughed and continued. The whole time I was expecting LMR (which is a bad mindset to be in) but did my best to keep my behaviors congruent with somebody who expects to have sex. I move her hand down onto my crotch and undo my pants for her, start rubbing her on the outside of her pants, pulled them off, she starts giving me a hand job, I finger her, after maybe 10 minutes of foreplay I put on the condom and we start having sex.
I wasn't going to finish, but I was having an awesome time, she was so different. But holy fuck, the girl was biting and clawing the shit out of me, I actually grunted for the pain of it one time, and ONE bite, out of like 20, I somehow managed to turn the pain into pleasure. That's a skill that's going to be rough to master.
We just kind of stopped when I was changing positions once. The whole time I was struggling to keep myself just above half mast, and I think the reason was this lay came too fast even for me to be comfortable with it just yet. So we cuddled naked together and watched about half of Enter the Dragon on G4 before getting dressed. I joked that I was going to bite her and leave marks because of all the times she bit me, we got into a play fight where I realized how strong she is. I tried to have sex with her again, even though I wasn't that turned on, I wanted to once more in case I don't ever see her again. She didn't seem into it. I tried to pull her in to make out some more when she was standing and getting dressed and she kinds pushed me away. I figured "whelp, it was a spur of the moment choice and she doesn't want to again, that's fine" and got some water.
Walked her outside, her parents had called her 13 times while we were in my house, this girl must have known what was going to happen because she had mentioned that she knew her parents were going to call her. So she left her cell in the car on purpose. Nice. She called, calmed them down (they had called the police!), we hugged and I had her take my number, "If you want me to give you a call sometime, call my phone so I have your number, if not, whatever." I realize that was kind of weak shit, but at the same time if this was an obvious one night stand, I wanted to leave it up to her to make the decision to take it further, which I know, again, is weak shit, but I think it came off like "Hey I like you, but I do this a lot and I know that not every girl wants to give her number out after random sex, so if you're interested in pursuing me further, you can call me." At least thats how I meant it. She calls my phone immediately, I remind her my last name is spelled with an IE not a Y, she says "duh, I've known you long enough to figure that out" I continue to be puzzled. I swear I had not met her before four hours before that. Meet to sex, probably about 3 hours.
She left and I went upstairs to survey the damage, and this is where BigBear gets her namesake.
Texting...
"Holy FUCK BigBear! I can see now why you were afraid of me biting you back"
":( oh no. Is it bad?" "I look like I was wrestling a bear. Im considering facebooking pics and tagging you"
"Oh my gosh! Im so sorry :( gosh ive never bit someone before. Wow i feel so bad." "Haha you big goober. You can buy me dinner sometime"
"I was gonna apologize again... but you know, maybe if you weren't good then you wouldnt have to worry about these consequences. Haha" "Lol its late, night"
"Haha im just saying.. you brought it upon yourself ;]
The people present exhibit A, a post sex text conversation with BigBear concerning the quality of the sex with Dasani, after Dasani, hereafter referred to as "the defendant" clearly admitted that his dick was not even fully hard and that the sex kind of fizzled out. Your honor the conduct of BigBear and the defendant only serves to further strengthen the claim made by the defendant that it doesn't matter how much he sucks in bed, if the girl likes him, she always says he's good.
Case to remain open pending further evidence.
She agreed to buy me dinner on the condition that I don't post and tag pics of my destroyed back. I'm considering posting some pictures here with my face edited out, its so horrific.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
FR: couple of nights
From shame to good times.
On Friday I was heading over to ImaginaryGirl's house for a party she was having, and for some reason I got it into my head that I had to get drunk. I think I somehow equated success with this girl with getting drunk. Weird, wrong. Drank at my place, went to her place, drank some more, met some random dude who invited me over to take shots, drank at his place, went back to the party, finished my drinking. IG was too busy to even really notice me, whatever. I was so drunk I started trying to isolate unnattractive girls 5 seconds after conversation. Not like mini isolate, but come outside and go behind this corner into a dark alley with me isolate. Ug, gross. Came home, made an ass of myself, but did manage to hook up one of my buddies with my housemate, who has had a massive crush on him. 3 of my housemates gave me a standing ovation the next morning, that was kind.
This one girl who wears too much makeup came over, I told her I thought she was sexy as fuck, she gave me a dirty look. This pissed me off, so I made it my goal to piss her off. Accomplished it. Next morning I was a bit embarrassed by my behavior, so I decided if I saw MakeupGirl again i would apologize. More for me than her really, my behavior was just so far below my standard for myself.
Anyway, went to a party last night and she was there, so I swooped in and did my thing, she said thank you. Done. I had a lot of friends at the party (something I was missing at IG's party) so I just chilled out. No alcohol for me that night or for awhile. Its great, once I just relax and enjoy myself, I become social, so I started reaching out. There was this one drunk girl in the basement, I'll call her FlirtyGirl, who was literally flirting with every guy who crossed her path, hard. Well it came my turn (and make no mistake, though I was "gaming" this girl, this didn't take any game, just me being slightly more rad than the other guy) and she asks my name, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her, but I'd give her a kiss on the cheek if she could guess, "What happens if I get it wrong!?"
"I'll give you a hug and tell you you're cute anyway."
She gets faux indignant and starts to walk away, and comes right back and asks one of my girl-friends what my name is, the girl tells FlirtyGirl "It's Lord Baron Von Dasani!" for which I love her. So the girl comes in and says that to me, and I give her a little kiss and flirt some more.
This was where it was fun. I wasn't going to try anything with this girl, but flirting with her was pumping me up. Then she grabs onto some other dude, and I decided to make a game of it. See if I could pull her back to me.
"FlirtyGirl!!!"
"oh heeeyyyy!!!" She flies off him and latches onto me
"I have an intuition about you.."
blah blah blah, I made something up about how she likes to be the center of attention, I'm wrong, she says she just likes to be social, I tell her I like that about her. I let her go because the dude is standing awkwardly and I don't want to win so easily.
A couple minutes later I come back and take her away from him again, and tell her to give me her hands. I already knew it was well passed on, I think she had madeout with the other dude before I started my private game, but whatever. I told her that in highschool I was the junior instructore for the swing club, and that my job was to teach all the new people and get them up to speed with the rest of the group. I said my favorite move was the dip, and she wanted to see, and I told her we needed more room. She willingly follows me outside, where there are two people chilling, then out behind a fence, where I do a shitty dip and we start making out hard. I tried to get into her pants, no dice, so I had her give me a handjob. It was tentative, but she still did it. She flat out said no when I told her to go down on me. I tried to get her back to my place, "where do you live?"
"[Dorm.]"
"oh nice, my old dorm."
"where do you live?"
"3 blocks. Come back with me and have a drink."
For some reason I didn't think of tacobell. Tacobell always ropes people in.
We went back inside, she tried to hold my hand, I made it seem like I didn't notice. Not because I didn't want to or because I'm mean, I just didn't want to lock myself out with anybody else or make it seem like I just pulled her outside to hookup.
Went back to the group in the basement, exchanged numbers, left a team voicemail, met a couple other girls. I had also talked to this super tiny/skinny girl for most of the party who was related to one of the girls but had no friends at that party. God I sound like a predator. Getting the drunk flirty girl and talking with the girl who has no friends. Whatever, I was nice to her and she was entertaining cute. She mentioned her boyfriend, when I asked how it was going she said it was going. I would normally take this as a sign that she's into me, but there were really no other signs other than her starting the conversation when I dropped it. She gave me a great hug when I left, decided I shouldn't try for the number, I'll probably see her again.
Fun night.
On Friday I was heading over to ImaginaryGirl's house for a party she was having, and for some reason I got it into my head that I had to get drunk. I think I somehow equated success with this girl with getting drunk. Weird, wrong. Drank at my place, went to her place, drank some more, met some random dude who invited me over to take shots, drank at his place, went back to the party, finished my drinking. IG was too busy to even really notice me, whatever. I was so drunk I started trying to isolate unnattractive girls 5 seconds after conversation. Not like mini isolate, but come outside and go behind this corner into a dark alley with me isolate. Ug, gross. Came home, made an ass of myself, but did manage to hook up one of my buddies with my housemate, who has had a massive crush on him. 3 of my housemates gave me a standing ovation the next morning, that was kind.
This one girl who wears too much makeup came over, I told her I thought she was sexy as fuck, she gave me a dirty look. This pissed me off, so I made it my goal to piss her off. Accomplished it. Next morning I was a bit embarrassed by my behavior, so I decided if I saw MakeupGirl again i would apologize. More for me than her really, my behavior was just so far below my standard for myself.
Anyway, went to a party last night and she was there, so I swooped in and did my thing, she said thank you. Done. I had a lot of friends at the party (something I was missing at IG's party) so I just chilled out. No alcohol for me that night or for awhile. Its great, once I just relax and enjoy myself, I become social, so I started reaching out. There was this one drunk girl in the basement, I'll call her FlirtyGirl, who was literally flirting with every guy who crossed her path, hard. Well it came my turn (and make no mistake, though I was "gaming" this girl, this didn't take any game, just me being slightly more rad than the other guy) and she asks my name, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her, but I'd give her a kiss on the cheek if she could guess, "What happens if I get it wrong!?"
"I'll give you a hug and tell you you're cute anyway."
She gets faux indignant and starts to walk away, and comes right back and asks one of my girl-friends what my name is, the girl tells FlirtyGirl "It's Lord Baron Von Dasani!" for which I love her. So the girl comes in and says that to me, and I give her a little kiss and flirt some more.
This was where it was fun. I wasn't going to try anything with this girl, but flirting with her was pumping me up. Then she grabs onto some other dude, and I decided to make a game of it. See if I could pull her back to me.
"FlirtyGirl!!!"
"oh heeeyyyy!!!" She flies off him and latches onto me
"I have an intuition about you.."
blah blah blah, I made something up about how she likes to be the center of attention, I'm wrong, she says she just likes to be social, I tell her I like that about her. I let her go because the dude is standing awkwardly and I don't want to win so easily.
A couple minutes later I come back and take her away from him again, and tell her to give me her hands. I already knew it was well passed on, I think she had madeout with the other dude before I started my private game, but whatever. I told her that in highschool I was the junior instructore for the swing club, and that my job was to teach all the new people and get them up to speed with the rest of the group. I said my favorite move was the dip, and she wanted to see, and I told her we needed more room. She willingly follows me outside, where there are two people chilling, then out behind a fence, where I do a shitty dip and we start making out hard. I tried to get into her pants, no dice, so I had her give me a handjob. It was tentative, but she still did it. She flat out said no when I told her to go down on me. I tried to get her back to my place, "where do you live?"
"[Dorm.]"
"oh nice, my old dorm."
"where do you live?"
"3 blocks. Come back with me and have a drink."
For some reason I didn't think of tacobell. Tacobell always ropes people in.
We went back inside, she tried to hold my hand, I made it seem like I didn't notice. Not because I didn't want to or because I'm mean, I just didn't want to lock myself out with anybody else or make it seem like I just pulled her outside to hookup.
Went back to the group in the basement, exchanged numbers, left a team voicemail, met a couple other girls. I had also talked to this super tiny/skinny girl for most of the party who was related to one of the girls but had no friends at that party. God I sound like a predator. Getting the drunk flirty girl and talking with the girl who has no friends. Whatever, I was nice to her and she was entertaining cute. She mentioned her boyfriend, when I asked how it was going she said it was going. I would normally take this as a sign that she's into me, but there were really no other signs other than her starting the conversation when I dropped it. She gave me a great hug when I left, decided I shouldn't try for the number, I'll probably see her again.
Fun night.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Online Game Research
I was off to the library, and got it into my head to send out a random goofy message to a crowd of girls on OkCupid. Usually I send out one, maybe two messages at a time. Mistake. I'm pretty certain online game is largly a numbers game (although you can improve your average for sure), so sending out a message to a large number of girls is better than sending to one, waiting, then sending to another.So, thus far, with my completely non extensive research (tonight)...
Procedure
1. Choose an opener - in this case, my opener was "You know what? You totally look like the kind of girl who likes to play the nice girl, but really she's trouble. I mean seriously, if we hung out, it would be awful! Walking through a mall you'd just scamper off and be like "hold up one second" and come back with a new hat or something, with a little grin, bragging about how you stole it! Seriously, how could you embarass me like that ;)" With the subject header being "i think that you're the type who likes "
2. Send messages rapid fire. I didn't want to deplete my resources in Portland by testing there, so I sent messages to places across the country. Go to Browse and set up your options. Go down the list and open 3-4 people at a time in new tabs, leaving the original tab for more browsing (this makes it faster to send out mass messages). Go through the tabs of girls you want to message, don't even look at profiles or pics beyond the thumbnail given to you. I definitely messaged some UGs, but the way I see it, girls online have absurd screening policies, even 2's and 3's will screen you out like a 10 in a club. So fuck it, I messaged them all in an effort to actually learn a repeatable system. (Sinn talked about having multiple streams of women in your life, so this is me tapping into online streams.) Message tons of people
Statistics As of Now
Total messages sent: 22
Total Unique Replies as of now (5 hours after sending): 7
Not effing bad. Almost all of them were nearly instant too.
Sidenote: Two of the seven replies were actually instant messages, one girl said "I'm kind of blown away at how well you read me..." and the other said "ok so you win first prize for weirdest message I've ever gotten" and I had conversations with both. The latter gave me her AIM name, the former says she is going to add me on facebook. The former was hotter.
So...
Hypothesis for Improvement: 1. Messaging girls while they are online produces good results and could potentially increase response rate.
2. Having a profile that doesn't suck could get girls who are initially interested, interested enough to actually reply (my profile currently sucks, hard).
I think I'll change up my opener after about 100 messages. Hopefully I'll keep this up for awhile and have documented statistics and such for posterity.
Sample Replies:
"I found it, honestly! (Never mind where.) Sometimes a girl just needs a new hat, you know?"
"Alas, no, actually, I'm not that kind of girl. The evil I work is considerably more subtle/awesome than that. :) "
"For the record, I quit thinking stealing things was cool back in high school. And I am a nice girl, until I'm given a reason not to be ;-)"
"Haha. Interesting. I'm not really a nice girl but I also don't steal."
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Rebuilding the Habit
Friday I went out to McFaddens with some friends for my VIP night. Didn't really do any sets, and here is part of the reason (other than my rationalizations). So, things to remember...
1. If you go out with guys, they either better be cool about you doing cold approaches, be able to have fun in a bar/club, or be interested in approaching as well. The dudes I was with wouldn't get up and dance and just goof around, they wouldn't talk much, even drunk they weren't much fun. Who gets drunk and doesn't have fun?
2. If I'm bringing girls, make sure they are either socially independent enough for me to leave them alone or bring enough girls for them to have a group to stick with. I felt like I had to baby sit a couple of these girls and that wore on me. A lot of guys advocate bringing girls out to the club with you, and I would love to be able to sit down with 5-10 girls when my feet are tired or I'm not in set, but honestly, I don't know how to use girls in cold approach game. I suppose I should give myself permission to fail and just go in with her on my arm and run it how I normally would.
3. Go with people who are down to have fun. My friends wanted to leave at midnight. I wanted to bounce to another bar and keep it going.
The next night, last night, I went over to a buddy's house party. Good fun, brought FemmeFatale with me, and a couple of her hot friends showed up, nice. At one point, and I'm totally patting myself on the back for this being so hilarious to me, I lost FF and I asked her friend where she went, her friend was like "Why do you want to find her huh? What do you want to do with her?"
I sighed deeply, put my arm around her and pointed off into an imaginary distance at a picture I began to paint for her, "First" I said, "I'm going to get into my car with her, and the two of us are going to drive to california! Then we're going to sit out on a beach and watch the sun go down, while drinking expensive alcohols, and we'll head inside to YOUR house and go to sleep in YOUR BED, then the next morning, I'm going to have your mother make us breakfast."
Her response? "I love you!" I shit you not, lol. Then she turned to her other cute friend and told her, word for word, exactly what I had just said. Hilarious.
A friend's ex-girlfriend came up and started hitting on me, I moved her out of her group, into the house, and sat on the couch to talk. She was super into me, kept complimenting me, said "I hear you're a player" to which I replied, credit to Brittany the stripper, "You know, I do a lot of things that could get me labled that, but I don't identify with it at all." She and her boyfriend had a logical breakup, he is studying abroad so they decided, although they like eachother, to break up. And she says to me, testing "But you're his friend, so you wouldnt do that (hook up with her) to him would you?" which I interpretted as "Tell me that you're ok with us hooking up" but I decided that I really don't want to be that guy. His friendship is much more important than fooling around with his "ex." So I told her she was right.
I forgot, I did some daygame too. Went out looking for a CD so it was a good opportunity. Of course I was paralyzed by the approach because it had been so long, and ended up doing a demo of Rosetta Stone (I'm looking into buying it, its not like I just stopped to run a set). Well talking with the sales woman got me feeling more social, and on that momentum, I stopped an older cutey right as I was walking away and asked abuot where I could find more music stores. She kept walking at first, but as I started to talk, she stopped and turned around. Then on the way out I did one more small break the ice set.
1. If you go out with guys, they either better be cool about you doing cold approaches, be able to have fun in a bar/club, or be interested in approaching as well. The dudes I was with wouldn't get up and dance and just goof around, they wouldn't talk much, even drunk they weren't much fun. Who gets drunk and doesn't have fun?
2. If I'm bringing girls, make sure they are either socially independent enough for me to leave them alone or bring enough girls for them to have a group to stick with. I felt like I had to baby sit a couple of these girls and that wore on me. A lot of guys advocate bringing girls out to the club with you, and I would love to be able to sit down with 5-10 girls when my feet are tired or I'm not in set, but honestly, I don't know how to use girls in cold approach game. I suppose I should give myself permission to fail and just go in with her on my arm and run it how I normally would.
3. Go with people who are down to have fun. My friends wanted to leave at midnight. I wanted to bounce to another bar and keep it going.
The next night, last night, I went over to a buddy's house party. Good fun, brought FemmeFatale with me, and a couple of her hot friends showed up, nice. At one point, and I'm totally patting myself on the back for this being so hilarious to me, I lost FF and I asked her friend where she went, her friend was like "Why do you want to find her huh? What do you want to do with her?"
I sighed deeply, put my arm around her and pointed off into an imaginary distance at a picture I began to paint for her, "First" I said, "I'm going to get into my car with her, and the two of us are going to drive to california! Then we're going to sit out on a beach and watch the sun go down, while drinking expensive alcohols, and we'll head inside to YOUR house and go to sleep in YOUR BED, then the next morning, I'm going to have your mother make us breakfast."
Her response? "I love you!" I shit you not, lol. Then she turned to her other cute friend and told her, word for word, exactly what I had just said. Hilarious.
A friend's ex-girlfriend came up and started hitting on me, I moved her out of her group, into the house, and sat on the couch to talk. She was super into me, kept complimenting me, said "I hear you're a player" to which I replied, credit to Brittany the stripper, "You know, I do a lot of things that could get me labled that, but I don't identify with it at all." She and her boyfriend had a logical breakup, he is studying abroad so they decided, although they like eachother, to break up. And she says to me, testing "But you're his friend, so you wouldnt do that (hook up with her) to him would you?" which I interpretted as "Tell me that you're ok with us hooking up" but I decided that I really don't want to be that guy. His friendship is much more important than fooling around with his "ex." So I told her she was right.
I forgot, I did some daygame too. Went out looking for a CD so it was a good opportunity. Of course I was paralyzed by the approach because it had been so long, and ended up doing a demo of Rosetta Stone (I'm looking into buying it, its not like I just stopped to run a set). Well talking with the sales woman got me feeling more social, and on that momentum, I stopped an older cutey right as I was walking away and asked abuot where I could find more music stores. She kept walking at first, but as I started to talk, she stopped and turned around. Then on the way out I did one more small break the ice set.
Friday, November 14, 2008
My Size
This is so weird to me. Pictured here and expertly edited for confidentiality, is me and a young lady at a party. This picture is a physical representation of something I've only started to notice about myself.
The other day I was in one of my lit classes and the prof was passing back our essays. I was going to sit down just as she was placing mine on my desk, and I realized that I was a head taller than her! She's this little tiny (and kind of adorable) woman up there teaching the class, and I had no idea! In my head, I tend to make other people bigger than me, especially people of authority or people who I perceive to have high value. For instance this professor, my parents, hot girls, etc. And until recently I had no idea!
And what is the effect of a physically imposing person? They diminish you, they can cause fear, you can assign them greater worth because of their size, etc. And I've learned that it is the same with mental images. I picture myself, in my head, as a small dude, when in reality, I'm actually kind of an imposing figure in certain circles (mainly petite adorable females). What a limiting self perception!
Just look at the picture! I'm engulfing her in my arms and she's stuffed up against me, i'm so masculine and dominant and she's so feminine and cute!
Some people I am larger than in reality:
-My female lit profs
-My parents
-Nearly every girl in my social circle
-LittleOne (duh. And on that note, here is an exercise for me. When I'm with a girl, if there is a mirror, hold her from behind and have the two of us gaze on your image together in the mirror. See for yourself, as well as allow her to see, my dominant image and size.)
I'm not saying "tall guys and big guys rule!" I'm saying that it is a limiting perception to see myself as so small in my own mind and it affects me. I'm actually a big person!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Interesting points
Other night I was at a party, had this girl waaaay into me, she was giving me (I realize now) the kind of vibe that says "I'm ready for a caveman to lead me someplace semi private and fuck me" but I was in the midst of a game of beer pong and told myself not to get too antsy, she wasn't going anywhere. Turns out she was. To the best of my knowledge she ended up leaving with some stoner guy. Weak! But what I learned is that at every party with a good female to male ratio, there is AT LEAST one of these girls if not several, who after some solid attraction and minimal investment will be ready to pull out and hook up. So basically, get out there and find that girl (while working the room).
I ended up in one of the dorms at Doa's room. It was like 2 minutes before intervisitation time was up (guys not allowed in girls wings in dormitories...catholic university), so I ducked in, closed the door, and sat down. I had already walked past her room, the door was open, she was on the phone and got up to talk to me, and promised to finish her conversation by the time i came back to say hi.
We ended up talking for a bit over an hour, so at past 3 am I decided to head out. I'm not going to interpret beyond exactly what this was - two people having a conversation late at night. There were no explicit signs in either direction.
Earlier that day I talked to LittleOne about the trust thing. I told her I decided that it was important that she trust me, and she has to start, or we're finished. Of course she said "what do you expect, its just going to happen?" and I said "nope, but it better happen soon...like this weekend." It was a longer conversation than that, but if she won't start acting like she trusts me I can't handle being around her.
I feel as though I'm back at square one somewhat.
I went out to dinner with my parents, and we ended up seated at a table that was right next to this girl from my school, way hott, who I managed to creep out early on in the summer (pre-convention). She was out on an obvious date with this alpha guy who fucked the girl I was most into at my birthday party back in June (It was a blow to me because the girl was the hottest one at the party, and asked me for MY number. But it being my 21st I was pretty drunk and having so much fun I wasn't thinking about hooking up until the night was practically over and the party clearedup. She texted me, she was way excited to go out with me, but I somehow managed to mess it up. Found out later that she had fucked this dude I mentioned the night she asked for my number.)
Anyway, I saw her, literally 3 feet from me, and just pretended not to notice. I got up to go to the bathroom so that when I walked back I could see for sure, and that's when I saw the dude from my birthday. I was a little upset, but I got over it and decided to become as much of a student as I could without blatantly watching and listening. The girl was SOOOO into him it was absurd. She was laughing way too hard at everything he said, she was over-eagerly contributing to the conversation, it was just blatantly obvious that he was going to have her when they got home. And guess what PUA's, it was on a dinner date. Course they could already have been fucking, I have no idea, but it felt more like a first date from where I was. Anyway, the dude was calm and relaxed, he sounded almost bored and almost completely uninterested in what she had to say. I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but I can almost guarantee it wasn't anything very interesting. He's a real tall guy, very muscular with decent fashion sense, so he has a lot of natural advantages, but there must be something else to him.
The main thing I took though, was the girl's demeanor. The only girls I've ever had acting that weird and interested in me were unattractive and/or had forced me into a date with them. Even after dates where I've hooked up, it has never been so on that there was absolutely no anxiety. And I know what it feels like to see every sign clear as day and know, with absolute certainty, that it is going to happen.
Do the really good guys still deal with the question in their head of whether its really on or not while they're out on a date or bring a girl over? 'Cuz recently I've been having some frustrations with girls who show all the macro behaviors of being interested (coming over to visit me knowing that we were going to "watch a movie" after we had madeout a couple nights before, for isntance...Beej), but show no micro behaviors of being interested (touching, laughter, etc).
Basically it gave me a mark to shoot for. To get girls so into me that when we go out on a date, THEY feel insecure about whether I like them or not, and about if they might screw up.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Two Choices
You really only have two choices.
Either you man up and make things happen for yourself,
or you laze about, frustrated and angry.
Or as Dumbledore puts it,
"All of us have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy."
Either you man up and make things happen for yourself,
or you laze about, frustrated and angry.
Or as Dumbledore puts it,
"All of us have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy."
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Emotionally Sensitive Periods
Some people probably think this is common knowledge. Those people are probably wrong or just don't get what I want to talk about, even if it sounds kind of "derr."
Relationships, I believe, have emotionally sensitive periods. To put it in community terms, it's like a period of continual, very subtle shit testing. Actually any sort of continual shit testing.
At the beginning, girls shit test to see how much control they have over you. They may do this periodically, but if you're not a pussy or have a strong frame, you'll pass these easily. Emotionally sensitive periods are a little trickier.
You have to do something to drop into one of these periods, usually something big, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of it being something small, or a collection of small things.
For instance, in talking with LittleOne the other day, I was in an emotionally vulnerable mood. I had just bitched out TheActress for being effing nuts, I was taking in the gravity of how poorly I had held up my own standards for women and life, and then she drops this little comment about how, since I was confused about what she was talking about, I must have been lying when I told her what I did.
This struck a nerve in me.
Why would she immediately jump into thinking I was lying about something if she trusted me? So I asked. Turns out, she "isn't sure if she trusts me." I figured, fine, whatever. We're having sex and I like what we have, so if trust is going to change that, maybe she should just keep me at arms length.
Well I hung out with her tonight, and I realized I was subtly shit testing her the whole time. I usually do all the talking because she's semi quiet, so I shut up to see if she would talk. Nope. In driving back, and this was so girly of me I almost couldn't believe it, I mentioned how much I loved the band I was listening to in the car, and asked her if she would ever go see them in concert with me. She said maybe. I said, contingent on what. She said price and date. I said "25 dollars on a thursday night" she says "wait are they actually coming? or are you just asking hypothetically? don't do that!" All I wanted was for her to give me a legitimate response, something like "I would go if you wanted me to go" or "You know, it really isn't my style, if you absolutely begged me I would, but just for you" or "You kidding? you'd have to babysit me the whole time because i'd be moping, better you go alone than bring me" just something!
Our relationship, for those who are not as good at extrapolating, had entered into an emotionally sensitive period, wherein all of her actions were now on trial and had much greater significance than in a normal period. Were I not on the fence about her somewhat, I would not care about her responses, but since we are in this period, every wrong answer is a tally against her.
I brought her over to hang out with one of my buddies and me for a little bit. He and I joke around, I try to bring her in on the joke, she is unable. That's ok, he and I have greater rapport than she and I. Later I make a joke to her, and she says "isn't it sad that this takes up such a huge portion of your life?" or something like that. I tell her she doesnt have to be so serious all the time, she says "if you think i'm serious all the time, you clearly dont know me." guess I dont know her.
At her house she wouldn't let me, at least for long, just play with her limp arm while we watched the election. It's just something I like to do, its harmless. But I feel like she thinks I'm trying to demonstrate power over her, or tool her somehow, and thats not the case at all. I was actually really fucking annoyed that she kept pulling away. Maybe she doesnt like it, but guess what, I'm not the only person in the relationship that might try something new to help make the other person happy.
Girl needs to lighten up. I'm not into the silent and serious type.
Relationships, I believe, have emotionally sensitive periods. To put it in community terms, it's like a period of continual, very subtle shit testing. Actually any sort of continual shit testing.
At the beginning, girls shit test to see how much control they have over you. They may do this periodically, but if you're not a pussy or have a strong frame, you'll pass these easily. Emotionally sensitive periods are a little trickier.
You have to do something to drop into one of these periods, usually something big, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of it being something small, or a collection of small things.
For instance, in talking with LittleOne the other day, I was in an emotionally vulnerable mood. I had just bitched out TheActress for being effing nuts, I was taking in the gravity of how poorly I had held up my own standards for women and life, and then she drops this little comment about how, since I was confused about what she was talking about, I must have been lying when I told her what I did.
This struck a nerve in me.
Why would she immediately jump into thinking I was lying about something if she trusted me? So I asked. Turns out, she "isn't sure if she trusts me." I figured, fine, whatever. We're having sex and I like what we have, so if trust is going to change that, maybe she should just keep me at arms length.
Well I hung out with her tonight, and I realized I was subtly shit testing her the whole time. I usually do all the talking because she's semi quiet, so I shut up to see if she would talk. Nope. In driving back, and this was so girly of me I almost couldn't believe it, I mentioned how much I loved the band I was listening to in the car, and asked her if she would ever go see them in concert with me. She said maybe. I said, contingent on what. She said price and date. I said "25 dollars on a thursday night" she says "wait are they actually coming? or are you just asking hypothetically? don't do that!" All I wanted was for her to give me a legitimate response, something like "I would go if you wanted me to go" or "You know, it really isn't my style, if you absolutely begged me I would, but just for you" or "You kidding? you'd have to babysit me the whole time because i'd be moping, better you go alone than bring me" just something!
Our relationship, for those who are not as good at extrapolating, had entered into an emotionally sensitive period, wherein all of her actions were now on trial and had much greater significance than in a normal period. Were I not on the fence about her somewhat, I would not care about her responses, but since we are in this period, every wrong answer is a tally against her.
I brought her over to hang out with one of my buddies and me for a little bit. He and I joke around, I try to bring her in on the joke, she is unable. That's ok, he and I have greater rapport than she and I. Later I make a joke to her, and she says "isn't it sad that this takes up such a huge portion of your life?" or something like that. I tell her she doesnt have to be so serious all the time, she says "if you think i'm serious all the time, you clearly dont know me." guess I dont know her.
At her house she wouldn't let me, at least for long, just play with her limp arm while we watched the election. It's just something I like to do, its harmless. But I feel like she thinks I'm trying to demonstrate power over her, or tool her somehow, and thats not the case at all. I was actually really fucking annoyed that she kept pulling away. Maybe she doesnt like it, but guess what, I'm not the only person in the relationship that might try something new to help make the other person happy.
Girl needs to lighten up. I'm not into the silent and serious type.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Should have Shouldn't have
Halloween...Goodness gracious.
Try to make it brief. Met up with some guy friends, together we all drank a bit and headed downtown to this rock club. I ended up bringing Japan along, she was tons of fun. I opened about a thousand sets and took pictures in all of them, but I was too out of control to go further than to pop in, get a picture, and pop back out.
Came back, Japan had held my hand tight and interlocked fingers in the club, we had gone to about a thousand different locations together, I taught her about the horns of rock, on the walk back to her place I asked if she was a virgin, she said no. Whew. She also said she doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't here long enough for anything serious. At least thats what I think she meant. Anyway, took her to her dorm, hugged her and left. No idea why I didn't try to escalate except that I was drunk and didn't trust my own judgement.
Went home alone, decided fuck that, its Halloween. So I went back out looking for a random party. Things were turning off around then, but I managed to fall in with some friends and got to this kegger. One cute girl. We moved from there to another house, to my place, back to the original place (her house). Drinking games, karaoke, nothing going to happen. Returned about 5:30 am. I've never been out that late before in my life.
********
Last night I was just going to call it a night and watch a movie by myself. It felt right to do. I got a call from this girl, VCard. We talked a little, she was wondering if i was near her dorm, I said no, blah blah, we hang up. She texts and says she wants to come over. I say sure why not.
She comes over, she's a sweet girl and I love her as a person, especially with her roommate, they make a hilarious team, but I'm not attracted to her. Anyway, I was watching a movie, and finished it, but since she was over I put another one on. She asks if we're going to cuddle, I say sure.
We're cuddling, I wasn't going to do anything, but I, being weak at times, changed my mind.
"Take off your shirt, I'm practically naked so you're wearing too many clothes"
*removes shirt*
Her bra is actually really sexy, I can tell she put it on for me...We end up hooking up. This girl was wildly enthusiastic, but obviously inexperienced. Enough said. I wasn't going to have sex with her.
But this is what upsets me. I changed my mind.
What happened to the oldest standard on my list, I do NOT do virgins. Too much flak, not even worth it. The appeal of treading fresh powder doesn't even pique my interest, so what gives? I say to her "Do you want to have sex" She says "I'm not sure." I say "I'm getting a condom, tell me if you change your mind."
I tear off her panties, put on a condom, and procede to attempt. Not only is she too tight, but when I tried to finger her earlier I swear I felt her hymen. Of course I don't know what a hymen feels like, so I can only speculate that that was indeed what I felt. I try to put it in her and she almost screams for the pain of it. I stop. I don't even want to be here, what am I doing?
Then SHE apologizes to me. God.
If it isn't coming across in my writing, I'm a little disgusted with myself. We go to sleep, I don't even want her to spend the night but I don't say anything about it, figuring I just tried to take VCard's V-card, its the least I can do. We wake up at 7 am, I tell her I have to get some real sleep and she needs to leave, she appears fine with it and leaves.
I'm upset with myself for not holding to my own standards. I want to get back in the field, halloween was a taste and I miss it so much. No excuses anymore.
Try to make it brief. Met up with some guy friends, together we all drank a bit and headed downtown to this rock club. I ended up bringing Japan along, she was tons of fun. I opened about a thousand sets and took pictures in all of them, but I was too out of control to go further than to pop in, get a picture, and pop back out.
Came back, Japan had held my hand tight and interlocked fingers in the club, we had gone to about a thousand different locations together, I taught her about the horns of rock, on the walk back to her place I asked if she was a virgin, she said no. Whew. She also said she doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't here long enough for anything serious. At least thats what I think she meant. Anyway, took her to her dorm, hugged her and left. No idea why I didn't try to escalate except that I was drunk and didn't trust my own judgement.
Went home alone, decided fuck that, its Halloween. So I went back out looking for a random party. Things were turning off around then, but I managed to fall in with some friends and got to this kegger. One cute girl. We moved from there to another house, to my place, back to the original place (her house). Drinking games, karaoke, nothing going to happen. Returned about 5:30 am. I've never been out that late before in my life.
********
Last night I was just going to call it a night and watch a movie by myself. It felt right to do. I got a call from this girl, VCard. We talked a little, she was wondering if i was near her dorm, I said no, blah blah, we hang up. She texts and says she wants to come over. I say sure why not.
She comes over, she's a sweet girl and I love her as a person, especially with her roommate, they make a hilarious team, but I'm not attracted to her. Anyway, I was watching a movie, and finished it, but since she was over I put another one on. She asks if we're going to cuddle, I say sure.
We're cuddling, I wasn't going to do anything, but I, being weak at times, changed my mind.
"Take off your shirt, I'm practically naked so you're wearing too many clothes"
*removes shirt*
Her bra is actually really sexy, I can tell she put it on for me...We end up hooking up. This girl was wildly enthusiastic, but obviously inexperienced. Enough said. I wasn't going to have sex with her.
But this is what upsets me. I changed my mind.
What happened to the oldest standard on my list, I do NOT do virgins. Too much flak, not even worth it. The appeal of treading fresh powder doesn't even pique my interest, so what gives? I say to her "Do you want to have sex" She says "I'm not sure." I say "I'm getting a condom, tell me if you change your mind."
I tear off her panties, put on a condom, and procede to attempt. Not only is she too tight, but when I tried to finger her earlier I swear I felt her hymen. Of course I don't know what a hymen feels like, so I can only speculate that that was indeed what I felt. I try to put it in her and she almost screams for the pain of it. I stop. I don't even want to be here, what am I doing?
Then SHE apologizes to me. God.
If it isn't coming across in my writing, I'm a little disgusted with myself. We go to sleep, I don't even want her to spend the night but I don't say anything about it, figuring I just tried to take VCard's V-card, its the least I can do. We wake up at 7 am, I tell her I have to get some real sleep and she needs to leave, she appears fine with it and leaves.
I'm upset with myself for not holding to my own standards. I want to get back in the field, halloween was a taste and I miss it so much. No excuses anymore.
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