Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Being a leader as opposed to being "the prize"

It's been a pretty consistent theme for me, and I wrote a post about it some months ago, about resolving the issue between being the prize and still making sex happen without having to leave it up to the girl to do everything. The chase vs. chased issue.

In my head there is a dichotomy. Girls have it engrained in their minds that there is a social order. They are passive and have to have everything happen to them. Guys ask them for their phone number (or even if they give their number to the guy, they are still putting him in that frame of pursuit), guys take them on dates, guys win them over, and they give guys sex. They are the prize in their minds, and in my mind, and I see the prize as something that doesn't do anything, and yet in order to be successful in dating, a man almost always has to do SOMETHING. So how can a man be the prize and still make it happen?

I haven't understood how to wrap my mind around this crucial concept so that it makes sense to me. How can I be the prize, be the one she is chasing, without doing any chasing of my own, when I'm not good enough or money enough yet to have her (most of the hers at least) lapping at my heels. If she doesn't ask for my number and I have to get hers, I am chasing. If I call her and ask her to come hang out, I am chasing. How does a guy who has so many options and doesn't give two shits about any one of them over another justify pursuing behavior? and once you start pursuing, how do you keep from over pursuing to the point where the dichotomy switches from her chasing you, back to you chasing her?

I was reading Brad P's planning the perfect date and I've come up with a way to frame it in my head that makes sense and I'll be thinking about for awhile to see what happens.

I must think of myself, not in the terms of the prize who has to be chased, or the one chasing the prize, or even the prize who has to chase a little bit so that the girl notices.

I must think of myself as a leader.

This is a huge shift from thinking of pursuing behaviors as exactly that. The idea of pursuis puts the image of one behind another, and pins by language the idea of leadership (command and control) in the hands of the one not doing the pursuing. One cannot be the prize and pursue, however one can be the prize and LEAD.

I like this image. I was reading over some of my old posts, and SassyFrass had this habit of texting me in a way that said she wanted to get fucked, but wasn't going to do anything about it. She was just tossing the idea into the air and seeing if the wind would catch it. So it's like this. She's walking around in a dark room, chatting up the air saying "man I'd sure like to get fucked" but she is either unable or unwilling to walk through the door above which hangs a sign "Come inside for sex." Now, the pure prize would stand in the middle and wait, to see if she can manage to blunder her way over to him and accidentally cause sex to happen. I'm too impatient for that by nature (which is something else I should talk about entirely and must work on), and don't have the abundance to make it happen. That same prize, in the same room with a hundred girls blundering around saying the same thing, will get laid pretty consistently.

What I've been doing, is acting the prize, but pursuing, which is essentially, blundering around in the dark room saying the same thing as the girl (sassyfrass in the example) "man i would also like to get fucked, if only some girl would grab my hand and lead me through the sex doorway" which works occasionally, but begs leadership from the girl. In real life terms, things like playing hard to get hoping she will pursue so hard that failure is impossible, texting her with vague statements hoping that she will suggest a meetup, hoping that she will escalate to remove the burden from me. Same room, hundreds of girls, only the really horny ones or generally lower quality ones are going to end up grasping the hand of this guy and leading him through the sex doorway.

Now, same situation, but this time a leader-prize comes in. The girl is blundering around in the dark, chatting up the air, not taking responsibility for her urges or desires. She's putting it out there, some more subtly than others. The leader has his night vision goggles on and can see the situation, he takes her by the hand and commands her to follow him, "but wait, I don't know, you don't have to come over" the prize-pursuer would try to mask his intentions, because he believes that if she doesn't give a massive sign, it is not on enough for him to "pursue." He is murky. The leader-prize silences her and continues to lead. He is not being stripper walked through the door. He is taking control of the situation. He recognizes that she is not stupid, and when she understands where she is going she will do something to get out of it if she is truly not interested. He's not thinking about rejection, he is unafraid to find out if she doesn't like him.

I may have gone a little out there with my metaphor and examples, some of it gets a little confusing, the biggest message to take from this whole deal is:

I no longer pursue. I lead.

Something important to keep in mind. Reframing behavior is often the first step toward trapward rationalization. I can't keep doing the same shit I've done and say "I'm leading!" I have to actually take the mindset of a leader.

My BigBear LR is a perfect example of leading vs. pursuing. I was the prize, but I didn't see my behaviors as pursuit because I wasn't even thinking about making anything happen until she was already at my house. I just led the interaction to a point where sex happened. I didn't game her and try and sit back and make her ask to come inside. I didn't try to push the envelope and make a move on her in the car where further logistics of getting inside would complicate things. I just lead it to a point where it would have been logistically infeasable to not have sex.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

FR: First girl from the internet

Here is our e-mail conversation from start to finish...

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
awww, you posted all pictures of you not smiling! But you know what, you haven't fooled me. Deep down, under all your seriousness, theres a kid-at heart goober out to run around on the playground and get pushed down by the boy she likes best. Seriously, if you and I went out on the town, there would be trouble. I'm talking sidewalk chalk trouble =)

=====m**** WROTE:=====
It's true. In real life I'm always smiling, and I cause a lot of trouble.

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
OH yeah? So if you and me got together to devise a clever caper/heist, I could at least count on you to be my getaway driver? What are your other trouble talents?

=====m**** WROTE:=====
Getaway driver I am not...I never learned how to drive and my permit's been expired for about five months. I'm apparently pretty good at being bad at my job though, as I've found out this week!

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
That's rough. I was actually really good at my job, then my supervisor encouraged me to fake some things...didn't end well. That's ok though, I got my weekends back =)

So if you can't drive, how do you get out to do things


=====m**** WROTE:=====
I take the bus or I walk, but I don't get out much and it's not because I don't have a car, it's because I don't have a social life yet. YET!

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
Well I dig that you're honest about it, no reason to become a hermit though =)

Hey I like talking with you and I'd like to do it a little easier, shoot me your phone number and I'll give you a call. If we get along on the phone, maybe we'll hang out sometime.

What's your name, by the way.


=====m**** WROTE:=====
I'm xxx-xxx-xxxx. My name is Cupid.

Cupid (obvi)

We texted occasionally for a couple of days (I don't want to dig through my phone to find them all) and then she told me that she works with XML. I responded with something like "My knowledge of computer stuff got stunted by a bad teacher in highschool, so I take that to mean you build websites. You must enjoy takeout." Which looking back says "I know nothing about your profession and I might have just called you fat" So I got nervous when I didn't get a quick reply and said something else to inoculate it, "And I'm gunna go grab some right now, I'll give you a call tonight, when is a good time." Which got a nonresponse still.

I forgot about her for awhile, and then the last part of my 50th post happened. I agreed to call her about 7 and we'd meet up. Got a late start, Littleone was over, so I texted her and said I'd push back till 7:30 and called her a little after then. I didn't really know what to say so it was a quick, minute long logistical call, "hey whats up, blah blah thats cool, ok so heres the plan, have you been to the nickel arcade? Great, we're going, where do you live, be there in half an hour bye." She had a really cute voice so I was a little excited if also a touch nervous. First girl from the internet!

I drove out to her place and picked her up, gave her a hug upon meeting, and we got in the car. She is actually pretty funny, which surprised me because girls never make me laugh. I was a little too uncomfortable to really relax and enjoy myself though, pretty much all night. I had a good time, but I know it would have been better if I didn't care. She was a tad pudgier than I imagined, in her words, "I'm the only person who has moved to portland and gained weight, everybody here is a vegan" but she had great big tits and was cuter in person than in her pictures.

We went to the nickel arcade, which I'm totally going to make a staple of my dates because its a blast. The most expensive games cost 5 nickels, and they're games that cost like a dollar in a regular arcade. You can also win tickets and buy prizes and there's crane machines for getting stuffed animals (she won four tiny stuffed animal keychains for her and her coworkers, I got enough tickets to buy one of those slippery squishy water things). She had never really played games like that before, and she really got into it, and actually had me cracking up while we were playing this one shooting game. It wasn't a real good place for conversation though, next time I think I'll go out for a drink or coffee or a bite (there are restaurants, bars, and coffee shops all over that area right by the arcade) first, then if we have fun, bounce to the arcade to bask in the playful vibe of videogaming and prizes.

After we left (only spent $15, $2.50 each for an admission ticket and $5 each in nickels) we went for a walk in the area and just talked. It was ok. The zipper on my sweatshirt broke, which sucked, and it's so cold she had her hands in her pockets which makes it hard to try to hold them. Note to self, although it makes a convenient excuse to touch a little bit, walking on the outside of the road feels false every single time I do it on purpose. She told me she's been hooking up with her married coworker, that she is always the other woman, that she lost her virginity at 21 and 1/2 (she's 23). Some of it volunteered information (her hookups) but some of it prompted. I never felt a vibe or a connection with her, which is hard to do when I'm not fully comfortable. End of the night I drove her home and she lingered for a minute after the obligatory "I had a really good time tonight." I didn't feel a vibe so I didn't want to be cliche and got for a goodnight kiss, especially knowing she's banging a married dude and that we're both not looking for anything serious. It would just have been too couply. So I gave her a hug and said "that's all you get. I'll give you a call sometime, night."

I think I should have at least asked to use the bathroom in her place to see if she would ask me to stay longer or offer me a drink or something. Also, I think a Sinn line would have been appropriate at some point in the night, "I'm trying to get into your pants" to let her know where I wanted to take it, which definitely would have helped with the vibe. Remember, don't be afraid to find out she doesn't like you. I'd rather have a girl straight up tell me she doesn't like me than have me acting all murky looking for signs that may or may not be there.

I'll call her after finals, one thing that I liked about her is shes cognizant of things that attract and repulse her, and one thing she said she hates (which meshes with both my own experience and community philosophy) is having guys be "terminally available."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

50th Post, Rather Ridiculous

I was out at my buddy's girlfriend's house last night, whose housemate happens to be TheActress. I endeavored to not make things weird, I had brought PuppyKins with me (who I realized later in the night, when I was standing next to her and playing with her hair and scratching behind her ears, that I don't have a compulsion to hook up with her, I really just want to be friends, even though I'm not opposed to her sexually at all) and I was just having a good time. Well TheActress was trying to get back into my pants, or rather into my heart, which just was not going to happen. She gets all close and is whispering in my ear and is letting me feel her up, and imagine this shit with me, this girl is so fucking weird.

We're talking dirty to eachother, I'm saying things that are well beyond my threshold for what I'm comfortable saying in bed to a girl, because I just didn't give a fuck, but picture all of this said in the most seductive voice possible...

"You know what I want to do to you?"

"What?" pressing hips into me

"I wanna take you downstairs and titty fuck your big fucking soft tits and cum all over your face and neck, would you like that?"

"mmmm" moaning in extacy "no" a breath that would only come after an intense orgasm

"You want me to fuck you? I'm gunna fuck you so hard like the naughty little slut you are"

"Uhhhnnn I'm not a slut," She tries to kiss me, breathing heavily "I wanna cuddle, mmmuhhhnn"

Breaking all pretense of talking dirty, "You have 2 choices...well more like 4. One, you can suck my cock, two we can have sex, three I can titty fuck you, or four I can shove you off and go back to my friends"

Trying to be indignant and sultry at the same fucking time god damn it, "Oh so you won't even consider dating me unless you've had sex with me?"

"Yep, thats right. You're a virgin aren't you."

"No...You're an asshole..." still trying to be seductive.

"Yeah I am, told you that. And I don't believe you, bye."

The rest of the night she was trying to touch on me and get in my cuddle pants. I said I MIGHT cuddle with her if we had sex. God she's so....ugngnugghguhg! TAKE A HINT! Her housemate came over and apologized to me for her behavior, I lol'd.

Left and went to another party. 45 seconds after I walked in, I was in the pantry closet hooking up with a girl who I had a one night stand with in the past, #1BJ (I wonder why I named her that???). I went inside, girls and friends were greeting me and hugging me, this girl was especially touchy and I immediately let her kinda fall against me into the kitchen, and she tries to kiss me. This girl was so god damn horny, I've never seen somebody trying to get laid so hard in my life. I tried to pull her to a corner, but realized I could only makeout and then saw the door to the pantry open. Pulled her in, couldn't get her to go down on me, I guess the prospect of kneeling on lenoleum wasn't very appealing. Turned her around and attempted to fuck her from behind but was unable to fit it in her. This blew my mind, I would never have guessed. After 10 or so minutes of hooking up we put our clothes on and went back outside. She never rehooked her bra strap and didn't realize it for like the next two hours. She keeps messing with her (massive) boobs trying to fix things and never even figured it out. Hilarious.

I was on the couch a bit later holding Puppykins head to my chest and playing with her hair. She can be so adorable. I had no interest in hooking up with her. I was fantasizing about falling asleep together and just stroking her head and tickling eachothers backs (my favorite thing in the world). This was really big for me because I always have this compulsion within myself to hook up with pretty much every girl I have the opportunity with. It's something I've been struggling against for quite some time and it makes it hard for me to find girls that I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in, because I confuse mild attraction and a compulsion to hook up with genuine interest a lot of times. This other girl from one of my lit classes was on the couch next to us. She's really pretty, like take home to mom pretty, so I'll call her MomPretty, and I say to her "MomPretty I want to play with your hair too"
"But mine is in a pony tail!"
"take it out and come here"

She does and leans back into my arm and lets me stroke her hair. Somebody starts taking pictures, I look like a pimp. Puppykins is already oriented toward me with her knee over mine somewhat, so I tell MomPretty to do the same thing. She does. (And here is a distinction in calibration, one of my housemates likes to say "do this, do that" and give orders and take things without asking, which in the community would be considered alpha. But its annoying as fuck and inconsiderate. However, I tell this girl to put her head on me, to change posititions, take the tie out of her hair, and it isn't annoying and I'm gaining positive compliance. Something good to remember.)

After a little while Puppykins goes home and me and MomPretty keep cuddling. We have a goofy fight over the remote, we move around the house a bit and talk with people, and comeback to cuddle a few more times (see TheActress? I cuddle. Just not with stupid girls who are afraid of their vaginas.). Finally we are left all alone, she suggests we join the rest of the group who are in the basement playing pool. Its 5 am by this point, I tell her I'm tired and ask if she wants to walk me home. She does. We go to my house, don't say a word about anything but nonsense really, I walk in, she follows, we go straight up to my room, sit on my bed, I close the door, talk a little, start to makeout, but I sense a lot of hesitation.

Another note to self. I've gotten this kind of resistance before and I don't know what to do about it. Usually, and this time was no exception, I say something to the effect of, "Hey it's cool, we don't have to do this, you don't have to be here if you don't want to" They always say that its not that they dont want to, its something else, but then leave (no exception here) so what gives? Probably triggered her anti slut defense, but what can I say to innoculate? Maybe go AFC Adam and say something like, "look I'm a gentleman so you and I are not hooking up, but I do want to cuddle and talk" then move from there. Yeah that sounds good.

She leaves, I go to sleep. Madeout with two different girls, hooked up with one of them, even BigBear gave me a drunk dial. Ridiculous night.

Oh, p.s. forgot to mention. This girl that I met on OkCupid and I are supposed to meet up tonight. We texted a bunch a couple weeks ago, and she went non responsive and I forgot about her. Before taking a nap last night, I sent her a text "hey whats up" just to see if she was still going to be non responsive. My phone rang a bunch of times while I was sleeping but I ignored it. Checked my texts and calls: my mom, my buddy, and OkCupid girl...

"any interst in seeing mirah w me tonight at the aladdin? i have an extra ticket. freeee!"
and another one 25 minutes later...

"okay i have to take back the mirah invite my coworker came thru. are youu free anytime this weekend? ill buy you a whole venue to make up for it"

This seemed really weird to me. Maybe she was shit testing me before, I dont usually think about shit tests over text, so maybe I should, that could help my text game a bit. I guess the universe was just in Dasani Alignment last night. We texted a little and have plans to meet up tonight around 7. Wtf am I going to do with her? I don't know, maybe go get a drink, fuck if I know hahaha.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Adding to the previous post

I just realized some other things BigBear helped me to realize myself. Like I said, she's one of the hottest girls I've ever been with, and thinking back I realized some very insecure shit I was thinking while with/interacting with her.

*We were looking into eachothers eyes during sex, and at some point she looked away, and I thought "she must be seeing how gross I look with all this acne" or something to that effect. My acne has been flaring up the past couple weeks (stress I suppose), but normally it doesn't bother me so much. I was worried that I wasn't physically attractive enough for this girl WHILE I WAS INSIDE HER!

*Being with hotter girls acts like a mirror on my self and the state of my game. I might get with a 7 and not give a fuck about anything, but then I'm with a 9 (and I'm really not into rating girls, but I have to put it into perspective for myself some how) and suddenly I feel insecure. That says a lot about my internals, and it also says it's time to upgrade.

*No LMR with BigBear. Another correlation based on little evidence but still worth noting. Best looking girl in awhile, no LMR. Then I get masses when I get with girls like Asia or TheActress. Good looking girls have greater access to sex, and as such they have more experience upon which to base their conclusions about sex and relationships. They're not hypocrits operating on outdated belief structures that have no basis in experienced reality. BigBear decided she wanted to fuck me, and didn't fuck around going about it. What happened after... who knows.

*Does it really matter if you know why? Seriously, if I knew why BigBear didn't try to fuck me again, would it really change anything? Would it really matter? The only thing I could see changing would be if she just decided she got what she wanted and was just being polite, in which case I would see no reason to go any further with it. Basically, the NEED to know that kind of stuff is a function of the Ego's never ending desires and wants. Greater control, greater mastery, avoiding fear of the unknown, whatever, it really isn't important enough to feel insecure over. Not much if anything really is.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

What I Learned This Weekend

*First and foremost, the Threshold. My idea of what it takes to cross it was totally rocked last night. I've never slept with a girl so fast after meeting her, and I have yet to cross the threshold with her. I'm comfortable, but I'm not to the point where I just don't care, but in a nonchalant kind of way. Crossing the threshold I hypothesize, has more to do with me than where the relationship is. I banged this girl, but I didn't feel, as I usually do, that "whew, sex is out of the way, now we can be normal together." I'll have to figure this out, this is absolutely key.

*A lot about being the prize. BigBear definitely saw me as the prize. Whether she still does is in the air. I saw her tonight and I got the same sort of "I'll kiss you but not committed" as I did last night after we had sex. Buyers remorse? Maybe, but that doesn't match up with everything else. I texted her once this morning in response to a text she sent me sometime last night that I ignored. We ended up texting most of the morning, like 11-3:30, and we planned to meet up tonight and have dinner, which she would pay for. However, she texted when she got back into town from what she was doing, and invited me to ice cream. I said I didnt want ice cream and asked about sushi, she said something about how her mom didn't believe she was going to dinner...weak, maybe not true because she later told me she had eaten. ANyway, she then said she and her cousin were going to starbucks. I responded with "I see." And left it at that. She texted asking what i was doing, I got distracted and took awhile to answer so she called me. She invited me over to her place to watch a movie with her cousin and her. I went. Her parents are nuts, I was sitting in a chair and she was on her bed with her cousin, the mom came in at 11 to kick us out. I drove with her and her cousin to drop the cousin off, hoping she and I could hook it up on the way back home. No dice, I had her walk me to my car when we got back to her place, pulled her into me and we madeout a little, not erotically, she was pretty non commital, although she did put her hands in my back pockets. Then I shoved her away and she said "dont shove me i'll shove you back" and I said "thats what makes it fun!" and we parted.

Ok so that was basically a FR of tonight, but the prize parts are evident for later browsing.

*When I have crossed the threshold I don't analyze so much. Notice the intense analysis up above. Weak. Let it be as it is.

*Enjoy the process. This was a huge milestone, to lay a girl so quickly, I'm shattering my old concepts of what is possible, but that doesn't mean I have to get hooked on making this girl an MLTR or something. So what if we don't have sex again? Yeah it was fun, yeah you'd like to do it and be more on par...oh shit. I just realized I identify with being bad in bed and therefore have a vested self interest in being bad. The theory stands! However, I now identify as all the girls identify me, as awesome in bed and an experience to be savored.

Finishing the original thought process, this whole deal is a process. If the first time you ever played soccer against another team you scored a goal, you're not a failure if you don't score again that game, or continue to consistently score goals. Realize that its a taste of success, and things will progress and you will improve over time. It's not a big deal.

*Breathing techniques work wonders for anxiety

*Remember not to act out of a state of reaction. You'll find the world is not on your side when you do. Remember to stay conscious and stay present, don't allow the emotions that flood you to intoxicate you to the point where you forget that you are the presence behind those thoughts and feelings, not the thoughts and feelings themselves.

*Parent "game." I forgot how much parents like me. It's always good to make jokes and get them laughing. Mine tonight, the little dog was being held up by BigBear for her cousin to "kiss" and the dog licked her lips, then she held it out to kiss me and I said "no, you don't get to kiss me, we just met, I have rules." Which was hilarious.

*Win over the friends. I got the cousin laughing at about everything i said, it helps that i'm a funny bitch.

Something I'd like to know how to deal with, is her talking about her ex. It didnt bother me so I just ignored it and watched a movie, but I don't feel like it was helping to have her facebook chatting with him (the needy creepy dude, jesus, some of the stuff...anyway) while the movie was on.

LR: BigBear

The name I'm giving this girl, BigBear, is not at all flattering to who she is. She's actually one of, if not the hottest girl I've ever been with, but she is also taller than me and freakishly strong. The aftermath of our getting together also helped...

I'm back in my hometown and went over to a buddies house to play some beer pong and just chill out with the old crew. We all move out from the garage to this cool little offshoot tiny house thing and hang out there. My buddy has been texting BigBear all night and got her to come over. This was the first time I had ever actually met her (to my knowledge) however our dad's worked together for some huge number of years in the navy, so I was familiar with her last name. She made some comment when she got there (from sitting in my buddy's lap, he had apparently made out with her some time in the past and they seemed into each other, I thought he had her) after introductions had been made to the other people like "oh but Dasani and I have known each other like our whole lives!" I wanted to say that she must have been thinking of somebody else but I just laughed and moved on.

I just chilled out and made conversation with everybody, told tons of jokes, and just had a blast with my friends. She had arrived around 11 or so, and about 12 I suggested that we go get some food. She was totally sober (I was getting there) so I volunteered her to drive us. So it was me, her, and two other guys. We all go to get food, we talk some more in the car. She makes some more comments about knowing my family, I remained confused. We head back to my friend's place and sit down to eat, she stands up and says shes going to head home, I cut her off, "Hey BigBear, wait like 20 and take me home, I need a ride." She says ok and sits back down, I finish my food and ask if she's ready to go, she says she is ready when I am, I say my goodbyes and we leave.

We get into her car, I've been busting on her for getting in so many car wrecks and tell her I'll be very upset if she kills me. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of what was going on verbally, it just wasn't that big of a deal. Just me keeping people laughing and occasionally engaging her so she didn't get left out. I did notice that she was quiet during the early part of the night and as people filtered in and out (some went to hang in the garage) she perked up. But anyway. She drives me home and about 3/4 of the way there I'm like "oh yeah do you know where I live?" and she says "Yeah I do actually, kinda creepy huh?" I was actually really surprised, maybe I had met this girl in the past and she just sucked or something so I forgot her. But to me it seemed like she created some fable about me and our families...whatever. We get to my house and we're still talking, I tell her to pull past the drive way and stop by these bushes. She does. The engine is still running and we keep talking for like 10 minutes, so I tell her to pull forward three more feet (to clear the driveway) and turn the engine off. She does. We keep talking.

She reaches over and hits me playfully a couple of times for me being a goober and making fun of her (I really wish I had a better memory of the conversation, even when I don't drink a lot things get fuzzy and I was sober by this point, about 1:30 or so), her hand is in the air and I, within context of the moment, reach out and squeeze it for a second. She closes her hand around mine and I let go. I was pretty positive it was on but I still felt a little anxious, so before I let it get crazy I reminded myself not to become unconscious (been listening to a lot of Tolle). BigBear is a talk box, get her started and she will keep going. I was grateful for this at this point, and in a pause in her speech I opened the door, and as I stepped outside said, "Hey lets go inside, you can only stay for a few minutes though, I have to get up early." I'm sure I had told her at some point that I was planning to leave in the morning to head back to Portland, so I suppose I had that sense of urgency and scarcity going for me.

We go inside and head right into my basement. Lights were off, so I turned them low instead of on and we sat down and I turned the tv on "for background noise." We have two couches and an armchair down there, I sat in my favorite spot and moved the blankets over and BigBear came and sat in the spot next to me. I decided that if everything else wasn't good enough for me, this had to be. It was very on, despite me feeling no vibe the entire night. I bring up one blanket and get under, "hey you want some of this" she says "yeah!" and starts picking it up, I reach over her and grab the other side of her hip and scoot her into me and put my arm around her, she leans in and puts her head on my chest. I realize she is chewing gum and ask for some, she left it in the car, so I excuse myself to find some (I still smell like fastfood). So I run upstairs, grab condoms, brush my teeth, and wash my hands, then head back down. We cuddle some more and talk, at one point I tried to pull her up to kiss me but she pulled away, I think she just didn't realize what I was doing. After 20 or so minutes of cuddling, I pulled her up again and we started making out.

Pushed her on her back, we keep at it, she lets me brush past her boobs, so I go back up and touch them more. Pull her into me and we start dry fucking (df'ing) I pull the straps of her bra and top off her shoulders and move her arms through them, then pull them down so I can get to her bare breasts. Reached around behind her back and undid her bra in one motion and she goes "Wow! That was so smooth!" I laughed and continued. The whole time I was expecting LMR (which is a bad mindset to be in) but did my best to keep my behaviors congruent with somebody who expects to have sex. I move her hand down onto my crotch and undo my pants for her, start rubbing her on the outside of her pants, pulled them off, she starts giving me a hand job, I finger her, after maybe 10 minutes of foreplay I put on the condom and we start having sex.

I wasn't going to finish, but I was having an awesome time, she was so different. But holy fuck, the girl was biting and clawing the shit out of me, I actually grunted for the pain of it one time, and ONE bite, out of like 20, I somehow managed to turn the pain into pleasure. That's a skill that's going to be rough to master.

We just kind of stopped when I was changing positions once. The whole time I was struggling to keep myself just above half mast, and I think the reason was this lay came too fast even for me to be comfortable with it just yet. So we cuddled naked together and watched about half of Enter the Dragon on G4 before getting dressed. I joked that I was going to bite her and leave marks because of all the times she bit me, we got into a play fight where I realized how strong she is. I tried to have sex with her again, even though I wasn't that turned on, I wanted to once more in case I don't ever see her again. She didn't seem into it. I tried to pull her in to make out some more when she was standing and getting dressed and she kinds pushed me away. I figured "whelp, it was a spur of the moment choice and she doesn't want to again, that's fine" and got some water.

Walked her outside, her parents had called her 13 times while we were in my house, this girl must have known what was going to happen because she had mentioned that she knew her parents were going to call her. So she left her cell in the car on purpose. Nice. She called, calmed them down (they had called the police!), we hugged and I had her take my number, "If you want me to give you a call sometime, call my phone so I have your number, if not, whatever." I realize that was kind of weak shit, but at the same time if this was an obvious one night stand, I wanted to leave it up to her to make the decision to take it further, which I know, again, is weak shit, but I think it came off like "Hey I like you, but I do this a lot and I know that not every girl wants to give her number out after random sex, so if you're interested in pursuing me further, you can call me." At least thats how I meant it. She calls my phone immediately, I remind her my last name is spelled with an IE not a Y, she says "duh, I've known you long enough to figure that out" I continue to be puzzled. I swear I had not met her before four hours before that. Meet to sex, probably about 3 hours.

She left and I went upstairs to survey the damage, and this is where BigBear gets her namesake.


"Holy FUCK BigBear! I can see now why you were afraid of me biting you back"

":( oh no. Is it bad?"
"I look like I was wrestling a bear. Im considering facebooking pics and tagging you"

"Oh my gosh! Im so sorry :( gosh ive never bit someone before. Wow i feel so bad."
"Haha you big goober. You can buy me dinner sometime"

"I was gonna apologize again... but you know, maybe if you weren't good then you wouldnt have to worry about these consequences. Haha"
"Lol its late, night"

"Haha im just saying.. you brought it upon yourself ;]

The people present exhibit A, a post sex text conversation with BigBear concerning the quality of the sex with Dasani, after Dasani, hereafter referred to as "the defendant" clearly admitted that his dick was not even fully hard and that the sex kind of fizzled out. Your honor the conduct of BigBear and the defendant only serves to further strengthen the claim made by the defendant that it doesn't matter how much he sucks in bed, if the girl likes him, she always says he's good.

Case to remain open pending further evidence.

She agreed to buy me dinner on the condition that I don't post and tag pics of my destroyed back. I'm considering posting some pictures here with my face edited out, its so horrific.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

FR: couple of nights

From shame to good times.

On Friday I was heading over to ImaginaryGirl's house for a party she was having, and for some reason I got it into my head that I had to get drunk. I think I somehow equated success with this girl with getting drunk. Weird, wrong. Drank at my place, went to her place, drank some more, met some random dude who invited me over to take shots, drank at his place, went back to the party, finished my drinking. IG was too busy to even really notice me, whatever. I was so drunk I started trying to isolate unnattractive girls 5 seconds after conversation. Not like mini isolate, but come outside and go behind this corner into a dark alley with me isolate. Ug, gross. Came home, made an ass of myself, but did manage to hook up one of my buddies with my housemate, who has had a massive crush on him. 3 of my housemates gave me a standing ovation the next morning, that was kind.

This one girl who wears too much makeup came over, I told her I thought she was sexy as fuck, she gave me a dirty look. This pissed me off, so I made it my goal to piss her off. Accomplished it. Next morning I was a bit embarrassed by my behavior, so I decided if I saw MakeupGirl again i would apologize. More for me than her really, my behavior was just so far below my standard for myself.

Anyway, went to a party last night and she was there, so I swooped in and did my thing, she said thank you. Done. I had a lot of friends at the party (something I was missing at IG's party) so I just chilled out. No alcohol for me that night or for awhile. Its great, once I just relax and enjoy myself, I become social, so I started reaching out. There was this one drunk girl in the basement, I'll call her FlirtyGirl, who was literally flirting with every guy who crossed her path, hard. Well it came my turn (and make no mistake, though I was "gaming" this girl, this didn't take any game, just me being slightly more rad than the other guy) and she asks my name, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her, but I'd give her a kiss on the cheek if she could guess, "What happens if I get it wrong!?"
"I'll give you a hug and tell you you're cute anyway."
She gets faux indignant and starts to walk away, and comes right back and asks one of my girl-friends what my name is, the girl tells FlirtyGirl "It's Lord Baron Von Dasani!" for which I love her. So the girl comes in and says that to me, and I give her a little kiss and flirt some more.

This was where it was fun. I wasn't going to try anything with this girl, but flirting with her was pumping me up. Then she grabs onto some other dude, and I decided to make a game of it. See if I could pull her back to me.

"oh heeeyyyy!!!" She flies off him and latches onto me
"I have an intuition about you.."

blah blah blah, I made something up about how she likes to be the center of attention, I'm wrong, she says she just likes to be social, I tell her I like that about her. I let her go because the dude is standing awkwardly and I don't want to win so easily.

A couple minutes later I come back and take her away from him again, and tell her to give me her hands. I already knew it was well passed on, I think she had madeout with the other dude before I started my private game, but whatever. I told her that in highschool I was the junior instructore for the swing club, and that my job was to teach all the new people and get them up to speed with the rest of the group. I said my favorite move was the dip, and she wanted to see, and I told her we needed more room. She willingly follows me outside, where there are two people chilling, then out behind a fence, where I do a shitty dip and we start making out hard. I tried to get into her pants, no dice, so I had her give me a handjob. It was tentative, but she still did it. She flat out said no when I told her to go down on me. I tried to get her back to my place, "where do you live?"
"oh nice, my old dorm."
"where do you live?"
"3 blocks. Come back with me and have a drink."
For some reason I didn't think of tacobell. Tacobell always ropes people in.

We went back inside, she tried to hold my hand, I made it seem like I didn't notice. Not because I didn't want to or because I'm mean, I just didn't want to lock myself out with anybody else or make it seem like I just pulled her outside to hookup.

Went back to the group in the basement, exchanged numbers, left a team voicemail, met a couple other girls. I had also talked to this super tiny/skinny girl for most of the party who was related to one of the girls but had no friends at that party. God I sound like a predator. Getting the drunk flirty girl and talking with the girl who has no friends. Whatever, I was nice to her and she was entertaining cute. She mentioned her boyfriend, when I asked how it was going she said it was going. I would normally take this as a sign that she's into me, but there were really no other signs other than her starting the conversation when I dropped it. She gave me a great hug when I left, decided I shouldn't try for the number, I'll probably see her again.

Fun night.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Online Game Research

I was off to the library, and got it into my head to send out a random goofy message to a crowd of girls on OkCupid. Usually I send out one, maybe two messages at a time. Mistake. I'm pretty certain online game is largly a numbers game (although you can improve your average for sure), so sending out a message to a large number of girls is better than sending to one, waiting, then sending to another.

So, thus far, with my completely non extensive research (tonight)...

1. Choose an opener - in this case, my opener was "You know what? You totally look like the kind of girl who likes to play the nice girl, but really she's trouble. I mean seriously, if we hung out, it would be awful! Walking through a mall you'd just scamper off and be like "hold up one second" and come back with a new hat or something, with a little grin, bragging about how you stole it! Seriously, how could you embarass me like that ;)" With the subject header being "i think that you're the type who likes "

2. Send messages rapid fire. I didn't want to deplete my resources in Portland by testing there, so I sent messages to places across the country. Go to Browse and set up your options. Go down the list and open 3-4 people at a time in new tabs, leaving the original tab for more browsing (this makes it faster to send out mass messages). Go through the tabs of girls you want to message, don't even look at profiles or pics beyond the thumbnail given to you. I definitely messaged some UGs, but the way I see it, girls online have absurd screening policies, even 2's and 3's will screen you out like a 10 in a club. So fuck it, I messaged them all in an effort to actually learn a repeatable system. (Sinn talked about having multiple streams of women in your life, so this is me tapping into online streams.) Message tons of people

Statistics As of Now

Total messages sent:
Total Unique Replies as of now (5 hours after sending): 7

Not effing bad. Almost all of them were nearly instant too.

Sidenote: Two of the seven replies were actually instant messages, one girl said "I'm kind of blown away at how well you read me..." and the other said "ok so you win first prize for weirdest message I've ever gotten" and I had conversations with both. The latter gave me her AIM name, the former says she is going to add me on facebook. The former was hotter.


Hypothesis for Improvement: 1. Messaging girls while they are online produces good results and could potentially increase response rate.
2. Having a profile that doesn't suck could get girls who are initially interested, interested enough to actually reply (my profile currently sucks, hard).

I think I'll change up my opener after about 100 messages. Hopefully I'll keep this up for awhile and have documented statistics and such for posterity.

Sample Replies:
I found it, honestly! (Never mind where.) Sometimes a girl just needs a new hat, you know?"

"Alas, no, actually, I'm not that kind of girl. The evil I work is considerably more subtle/awesome than that. :) "

"For the record, I quit thinking stealing things was cool back in high school. And I am a nice girl, until I'm given a reason not to be ;-)"

"Haha. Interesting. I'm not really a nice girl but I also don't steal."

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Rebuilding the Habit

Friday I went out to McFaddens with some friends for my VIP night. Didn't really do any sets, and here is part of the reason (other than my rationalizations). So, things to remember...

1. If you go out with guys, they either better be cool about you doing cold approaches, be able to have fun in a bar/club, or be interested in approaching as well. The dudes I was with wouldn't get up and dance and just goof around, they wouldn't talk much, even drunk they weren't much fun. Who gets drunk and doesn't have fun?

2. If I'm bringing girls, make sure they are either socially independent enough for me to leave them alone or bring enough girls for them to have a group to stick with. I felt like I had to baby sit a couple of these girls and that wore on me. A lot of guys advocate bringing girls out to the club with you, and I would love to be able to sit down with 5-10 girls when my feet are tired or I'm not in set, but honestly, I don't know how to use girls in cold approach game. I suppose I should give myself permission to fail and just go in with her on my arm and run it how I normally would.

3. Go with people who are down to have fun. My friends wanted to leave at midnight. I wanted to bounce to another bar and keep it going.

The next night, last night, I went over to a buddy's house party. Good fun, brought FemmeFatale with me, and a couple of her hot friends showed up, nice. At one point, and I'm totally patting myself on the back for this being so hilarious to me, I lost FF and I asked her friend where she went, her friend was like "Why do you want to find her huh? What do you want to do with her?"

I sighed deeply, put my arm around her and pointed off into an imaginary distance at a picture I began to paint for her, "First" I said, "I'm going to get into my car with her, and the two of us are going to drive to california! Then we're going to sit out on a beach and watch the sun go down, while drinking expensive alcohols, and we'll head inside to YOUR house and go to sleep in YOUR BED, then the next morning, I'm going to have your mother make us breakfast."

Her response? "I love you!" I shit you not, lol. Then she turned to her other cute friend and told her, word for word, exactly what I had just said. Hilarious.

A friend's ex-girlfriend came up and started hitting on me, I moved her out of her group, into the house, and sat on the couch to talk. She was super into me, kept complimenting me, said "I hear you're a player" to which I replied, credit to Brittany the stripper, "You know, I do a lot of things that could get me labled that, but I don't identify with it at all." She and her boyfriend had a logical breakup, he is studying abroad so they decided, although they like eachother, to break up. And she says to me, testing "But you're his friend, so you wouldnt do that (hook up with her) to him would you?" which I interpretted as "Tell me that you're ok with us hooking up" but I decided that I really don't want to be that guy. His friendship is much more important than fooling around with his "ex." So I told her she was right.

I forgot, I did some daygame too. Went out looking for a CD so it was a good opportunity. Of course I was paralyzed by the approach because it had been so long, and ended up doing a demo of Rosetta Stone (I'm looking into buying it, its not like I just stopped to run a set). Well talking with the sales woman got me feeling more social, and on that momentum, I stopped an older cutey right as I was walking away and asked abuot where I could find more music stores. She kept walking at first, but as I started to talk, she stopped and turned around. Then on the way out I did one more small break the ice set.

Friday, November 14, 2008

My Size

This is so weird to me. Pictured here and expertly edited for confidentiality, is me and a young lady at a party. This picture is a physical representation of something I've only started to notice about myself.

The other day I was in one of my lit classes and the prof was passing back our essays. I was going to sit down just as she was placing mine on my desk, and I realized that I was a head taller than her! She's this little tiny (and kind of adorable) woman up there teaching the class, and I had no idea! In my head, I tend to make other people bigger than me, especially people of authority or people who I perceive to have high value. For instance this professor, my parents, hot girls, etc. And until recently I had no idea!

And what is the effect of a physically imposing person? They diminish you, they can cause fear, you can assign them greater worth because of their size, etc. And I've learned that it is the same with mental images. I picture myself, in my head, as a small dude, when in reality, I'm actually kind of an imposing figure in certain circles (mainly petite adorable females). What a limiting self perception!

Just look at the picture! I'm engulfing her in my arms and she's stuffed up against me, i'm so masculine and dominant and she's so feminine and cute!

Some people I am larger than in reality:
-My female lit profs
-My parents
-Nearly every girl in my social circle
-LittleOne (duh. And on that note, here is an exercise for me. When I'm with a girl, if there is a mirror, hold her from behind and have the two of us gaze on your image together in the mirror. See for yourself, as well as allow her to see, my dominant image and size.)

I'm not saying "tall guys and big guys rule!" I'm saying that it is a limiting perception to see myself as so small in my own mind and it affects me. I'm actually a big person!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Interesting points

Other night I was at a party, had this girl waaaay into me, she was giving me (I realize now) the kind of vibe that says "I'm ready for a caveman to lead me someplace semi private and fuck me" but I was in the midst of a game of beer pong and told myself not to get too antsy, she wasn't going anywhere. Turns out she was. To the best of my knowledge she ended up leaving with some stoner guy. Weak! But what I learned is that at every party with a good female to male ratio, there is AT LEAST one of these girls if not several, who after some solid attraction and minimal investment will be ready to pull out and hook up. So basically, get out there and find that girl (while working the room).

I ended up in one of the dorms at Doa's room. It was like 2 minutes before intervisitation time was up (guys not allowed in girls wings in dormitories...catholic university), so I ducked in, closed the door, and sat down. I had already walked past her room, the door was open, she was on the phone and got up to talk to me, and promised to finish her conversation by the time i came back to say hi.

We ended up talking for a bit over an hour, so at past 3 am I decided to head out. I'm not going to interpret beyond exactly what this was - two people having a conversation late at night. There were no explicit signs in either direction.

Earlier that day I talked to LittleOne about the trust thing. I told her I decided that it was important that she trust me, and she has to start, or we're finished. Of course she said "what do you expect, its just going to happen?" and I said "nope, but it better happen soon...like this weekend." It was a longer conversation than that, but if she won't start acting like she trusts me I can't handle being around her.

I feel as though I'm back at square one somewhat.

I went out to dinner with my parents, and we ended up seated at a table that was right next to this girl from my school, way hott, who I managed to creep out early on in the summer (pre-convention). She was out on an obvious date with this alpha guy who fucked the girl I was most into at my birthday party back in June (It was a blow to me because the girl was the hottest one at the party, and asked me for MY number. But it being my 21st I was pretty drunk and having so much fun I wasn't thinking about hooking up until the night was practically over and the party clearedup. She texted me, she was way excited to go out with me, but I somehow managed to mess it up. Found out later that she had fucked this dude I mentioned the night she asked for my number.)

Anyway, I saw her, literally 3 feet from me, and just pretended not to notice. I got up to go to the bathroom so that when I walked back I could see for sure, and that's when I saw the dude from my birthday. I was a little upset, but I got over it and decided to become as much of a student as I could without blatantly watching and listening. The girl was SOOOO into him it was absurd. She was laughing way too hard at everything he said, she was over-eagerly contributing to the conversation, it was just blatantly obvious that he was going to have her when they got home. And guess what PUA's, it was on a dinner date. Course they could already have been fucking, I have no idea, but it felt more like a first date from where I was. Anyway, the dude was calm and relaxed, he sounded almost bored and almost completely uninterested in what she had to say. I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but I can almost guarantee it wasn't anything very interesting. He's a real tall guy, very muscular with decent fashion sense, so he has a lot of natural advantages, but there must be something else to him.

The main thing I took though, was the girl's demeanor. The only girls I've ever had acting that weird and interested in me were unattractive and/or had forced me into a date with them. Even after dates where I've hooked up, it has never been so on that there was absolutely no anxiety. And I know what it feels like to see every sign clear as day and know, with absolute certainty, that it is going to happen.

Do the really good guys still deal with the question in their head of whether its really on or not while they're out on a date or bring a girl over? 'Cuz recently I've been having some frustrations with girls who show all the macro behaviors of being interested (coming over to visit me knowing that we were going to "watch a movie" after we had madeout a couple nights before, for isntance...Beej), but show no micro behaviors of being interested (touching, laughter, etc).

Basically it gave me a mark to shoot for. To get girls so into me that when we go out on a date, THEY feel insecure about whether I like them or not, and about if they might screw up.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Two Choices

You really only have two choices.

Either you man up and make things happen for yourself,

or you laze about, frustrated and angry.

Or as Dumbledore puts it,

"All of us have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Emotionally Sensitive Periods

Some people probably think this is common knowledge. Those people are probably wrong or just don't get what I want to talk about, even if it sounds kind of "derr."

Relationships, I believe, have emotionally sensitive periods. To put it in community terms, it's like a period of continual, very subtle shit testing. Actually any sort of continual shit testing.

At the beginning, girls shit test to see how much control they have over you. They may do this periodically, but if you're not a pussy or have a strong frame, you'll pass these easily. Emotionally sensitive periods are a little trickier.

You have to do something to drop into one of these periods, usually something big, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of it being something small, or a collection of small things.

For instance, in talking with LittleOne the other day, I was in an emotionally vulnerable mood. I had just bitched out TheActress for being effing nuts, I was taking in the gravity of how poorly I had held up my own standards for women and life, and then she drops this little comment about how, since I was confused about what she was talking about, I must have been lying when I told her what I did.

This struck a nerve in me.

Why would she immediately jump into thinking I was lying about something if she trusted me? So I asked. Turns out, she "isn't sure if she trusts me." I figured, fine, whatever. We're having sex and I like what we have, so if trust is going to change that, maybe she should just keep me at arms length.

Well I hung out with her tonight, and I realized I was subtly shit testing her the whole time. I usually do all the talking because she's semi quiet, so I shut up to see if she would talk. Nope. In driving back, and this was so girly of me I almost couldn't believe it, I mentioned how much I loved the band I was listening to in the car, and asked her if she would ever go see them in concert with me. She said maybe. I said, contingent on what. She said price and date. I said "25 dollars on a thursday night" she says "wait are they actually coming? or are you just asking hypothetically? don't do that!" All I wanted was for her to give me a legitimate response, something like "I would go if you wanted me to go" or "You know, it really isn't my style, if you absolutely begged me I would, but just for you" or "You kidding? you'd have to babysit me the whole time because i'd be moping, better you go alone than bring me" just something!

Our relationship, for those who are not as good at extrapolating, had entered into an emotionally sensitive period, wherein all of her actions were now on trial and had much greater significance than in a normal period. Were I not on the fence about her somewhat, I would not care about her responses, but since we are in this period, every wrong answer is a tally against her.

I brought her over to hang out with one of my buddies and me for a little bit. He and I joke around, I try to bring her in on the joke, she is unable. That's ok, he and I have greater rapport than she and I. Later I make a joke to her, and she says "isn't it sad that this takes up such a huge portion of your life?" or something like that. I tell her she doesnt have to be so serious all the time, she says "if you think i'm serious all the time, you clearly dont know me." guess I dont know her.

At her house she wouldn't let me, at least for long, just play with her limp arm while we watched the election. It's just something I like to do, its harmless. But I feel like she thinks I'm trying to demonstrate power over her, or tool her somehow, and thats not the case at all. I was actually really fucking annoyed that she kept pulling away. Maybe she doesnt like it, but guess what, I'm not the only person in the relationship that might try something new to help make the other person happy.

Girl needs to lighten up. I'm not into the silent and serious type.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Should have Shouldn't have

Halloween...Goodness gracious.

Try to make it brief. Met up with some guy friends, together we all drank a bit and headed downtown to this rock club. I ended up bringing Japan along, she was tons of fun. I opened about a thousand sets and took pictures in all of them, but I was too out of control to go further than to pop in, get a picture, and pop back out.

Came back, Japan had held my hand tight and interlocked fingers in the club, we had gone to about a thousand different locations together, I taught her about the horns of rock, on the walk back to her place I asked if she was a virgin, she said no. Whew. She also said she doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't here long enough for anything serious. At least thats what I think she meant. Anyway, took her to her dorm, hugged her and left. No idea why I didn't try to escalate except that I was drunk and didn't trust my own judgement.

Went home alone, decided fuck that, its Halloween. So I went back out looking for a random party. Things were turning off around then, but I managed to fall in with some friends and got to this kegger. One cute girl. We moved from there to another house, to my place, back to the original place (her house). Drinking games, karaoke, nothing going to happen. Returned about 5:30 am. I've never been out that late before in my life.

Last night I was just going to call it a night and watch a movie by myself. It felt right to do. I got a call from this girl, VCard. We talked a little, she was wondering if i was near her dorm, I said no, blah blah, we hang up. She texts and says she wants to come over. I say sure why not.

She comes over, she's a sweet girl and I love her as a person, especially with her roommate, they make a hilarious team, but I'm not attracted to her. Anyway, I was watching a movie, and finished it, but since she was over I put another one on. She asks if we're going to cuddle, I say sure.

We're cuddling, I wasn't going to do anything, but I, being weak at times, changed my mind.

"Take off your shirt, I'm practically naked so you're wearing too many clothes"

*removes shirt*

Her bra is actually really sexy, I can tell she put it on for me...We end up hooking up. This girl was wildly enthusiastic, but obviously inexperienced. Enough said. I wasn't going to have sex with her.

But this is what upsets me. I changed my mind.

What happened to the oldest standard on my list, I do NOT do virgins. Too much flak, not even worth it. The appeal of treading fresh powder doesn't even pique my interest, so what gives? I say to her "Do you want to have sex" She says "I'm not sure." I say "I'm getting a condom, tell me if you change your mind."

I tear off her panties, put on a condom, and procede to attempt. Not only is she too tight, but when I tried to finger her earlier I swear I felt her hymen. Of course I don't know what a hymen feels like, so I can only speculate that that was indeed what I felt. I try to put it in her and she almost screams for the pain of it. I stop. I don't even want to be here, what am I doing?

Then SHE apologizes to me. God.

If it isn't coming across in my writing, I'm a little disgusted with myself. We go to sleep, I don't even want her to spend the night but I don't say anything about it, figuring I just tried to take VCard's V-card, its the least I can do. We wake up at 7 am, I tell her I have to get some real sleep and she needs to leave, she appears fine with it and leaves.

I'm upset with myself for not holding to my own standards. I want to get back in the field, halloween was a taste and I miss it so much. No excuses anymore.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


So theres this girl...

Imagine that!

Anyway, I'll call her Beej. So I used to have a thing for Beej, it never worked out for whatever reason, then recently she started giving me signs for some reason or another. One night she messaged me and said she "still had never been over to see my house" but I was busy and I told her so, and she said "ok fiiiiiine."

Anyway, I'm a little drunk and I was talking with FemmeFatale (good friend now) and left to use the bathroom. Beej is sitting on the stairs, we chat, I go do my thing, come back, sit down, she starts touching my leg and is receptive to me brushing the hair out of her face, so we start making out on the stairs in the lounge of this dorm. People keep coming in and out so we keep having to stop, I try to get her to leave, no dice and she's locked out of her room, waiting on the roommate to come open it up.

Anyway, I leave, that was like last saturday, so I text her...

"Dasani!! What's up?"

"Reading homework, thinking i want a break soon"

"Breaks are always good!"

"Totally, what are you doing"

"Just reading for ed class"

"Thats dumb. Lets watch a movie, my friends rented this old comedy that I've been meaning to watch"

"hahaha ok fine.... Only if we can start it soon though"

"Yeah that works, my place is 5 mins from you. Need directions?"



She comes over and seems kinda nervous. I heard her come in, I was up in my room, and so I walked down to greet her. She was following my housemate, said Hi, and just walked right by me. Weird. So I kicked it downstairs for a minute, she came down, I got us some water and we both headed upstairs.

I took a few minutes to just talk TO her and try to help her get over whatever nerves she was feeling. I say TO because she wasn't talking. I tossed it up to nerves. Put in the movie ("The Pickup Artist" with Robert Downey Jr. I really enjoyed it), she sat down on the very edge of my bed (it's positioned toward my computer like a couch would be toward a tv), so I offered her a pillow for her back, she declined. She was already like 2 feet away from where I would have had her sit. So I remembered my lesson from TheActress, and I reached across and pulled her in and told her to sit closer. She semi resisted, and moved a couple inches away from me. Wtf?

We watch the whole movie a few inches apart. She doesn't laugh at the funny parts, she clutches her water and sits with her knees drawn almost up to her chest. I call her out on acting weird and nervous, of course she says she isnt.

I'm wondering why the heck she travelled all the way to my house (not that its very far, like 5-6 blocks, but it is chilly outside and was like 9:30 pm on a school night) to watch a movie if she didn't AT LEAST want to sit with me.

The end of the movie comes along, I had been trying to get her to chase a little or at least be receptive by laying away from her, then I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back I sat close again. She didn't move away this time, but I think now (foreshadowing!) that she was just trying to not be awkard by making it obvious she wasn't interested.

Anyway, I turn to her and say "hey this is kinda 7th grade boy, but do you want t kiss me?" She says no, appologizes, the movie ends, and I walk her to the door.

So here I am, puzzling over it and typing this up, and she texted me...
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on. I just thought you knew we are just friends."

"It's not a big deal. It's just weird"

"Why weird??"

Seriously? I don't know where to go with this in terms of attempting to move a rejection back into the green zone, so I just tell her how it is.

"You would only make girl excuses anyway, so dont worry about it, were just friends"

I'm a little annoyed at the whole affair, so I invited FemmeFatale over to kick it. I like this plan, get rejected by one, call another over. Not that I think FF will hook up with me, but it's nice anyway!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

FR: The Happening

Last night I had SassyFrass' housemate, TheActress come over to watch a movie with me. We'll see what happens with the whole situation, but its possible that by doing this I may have locked myself out with SF. We'll see.

I was heading out to see Edguy in concert (if you have the opportunity, GO! Tobias Sammet is an amazing man on stage!) and I texted TheActress to see if she wanted to get together and watch a movie we had been planning on (I mentioned it in my last FR). She texted back that she would like to a little later, I said I'd be back about 11, she agreed.

The concert was amazing. I was two people from the stage and got one of my favorite songs on video.

Came home, called TheActress, she didn't answer. I was going to head out with my housemate to some parties, but she called back and said she had to shower before coming over, I said ok and "But I'm not sitting around for one of those hour long girly showers, you best hurry it up!" She calls again half an hour later ready to go, I go pick her up.

We come back here, my housemates have some people over playing catch phrase, The Actress pets our animals, we go up to my room to watch the movie. Talk a little bit, show her some pics and video from the concert, then ask for the movie. She didn't have it, she meant for us to rent it ondemand. So we headed out to one of those little redbox kiosks and got it for a dollar. So it was good that we had some time to just chill before launching into being in eachothers arms, she was talking kind of fast and I could tell she was a little nervous.

Anyway, what's important about this whole thing for me is this. This girl was super into me, and I'm attracted to her (moreso now) but I didn't feel any fear or anxiety at all, and thus I was acting in a very assertive, dominant, and attractive way. We got back, set up the movie, I had her sit down first, then I sat down next to her so close our bodies were together (I like to do this because if she doesn't want to sit close to me, she can move away right away), she didn't move so almost in the same motion as sitting down, I reached across her, grabbed her under her opposite leg/hip and pulled her closer into me. She leaned in and curled up her legs across mine and clutched my arm that was across her.

So, I'm comparing that to the way I acted with SassyFrass that night I went over to her place. This way was much better, much smoother, and much more comfortable. Sometimes I gotta relearn stuff to get it in properly.

We watched the whole movie, I debated whether or not to hook up with her. On the one hand, I'm into her, and on the other I don't want to mess it up with SF. It might not even mess it up with her, and the way TheActress was talking, she might not even talk to her housemates about her sexual activity, so maybe I'll just end up totally under the radar. Who knows. Long story short I decided to hook up with her.

We're cuddling after the movie under a blanket and I try to kiss her, but she won't let me. She says she's a prude and just wants to cuddle. We talk and talk and talk, I assure her that all she has to do is to say stop to me and I'll stop whatever I'm doing. She thanks me and sounds relieved. She's not used to the casual hookup thing, and I give her a short "I'm kind of a player" speach, finishing with my new favorite "line," "It's important to me that you know what kind of person I am before you get involved with me." She thanks me again.

What ensued was basically a "lets turn eachother on without ever actually hooking up" session. It was interesting, and this girl is way dirtier than I had originally thought. She has the most sensitive boobs of any girl I've ever come into contact with. Like imagine somebody has cold hands and shoves them up your shirt, the kind of physical and vocal reaction you might have, run that through an arousal filter, and you have what happens when I touch this girl's boobs. And she's got a good sized rack so I am well beyond down to TF.

She'll let me down the back of her pants, she loves me looking at her body, but she is hesitant to let me touch her boobs too much (clothes never came off) because "they're so sensitive, and I don't want to ruin that by having them touched too much, I want it to feel awesome every time." Which is just awesome reasoning, it's like not jerking off for a week, when you finally do get off, its waaaay more intense.

This girl talks dirty. Never been with a girl who really got into it the way she did. Unfortunately my voice was hoarse from the concert I had just gotten back from, so it was hard to talk the way I wanted to, and I'm not very good at dirty talk, but I'm learning. She keeps asking me to describe to her the things I want to do to her while we're gently dry humping and she constantly seems on the verge of orgasm. She's an interesting girl.

We end up staying up till like 4:30am talking and fooling around (without actually fooling around) before I take her home. She kept saying things about how her housemates are crazy (like wild partiers and love to fuck) and kept asking me if I found them attractive. Said to me "didn't you and SassyFrass have a thing?" to which I replied "not really, we had kind of a nothing...a No-Thing as eckhart tolle would say." Which cracked me up that I could use "no-thing" in casual conversation. She's definitely got some insecurities and so I told her bluntly, "look, you're going to have to get used to the idea of me with other girls if you want to do this *gesturing* but if you want to just be friends, that's cool too." Gently mentining that I'm cool with just being friends, I like that, I'll have to remember.

Couple other things, she talked about some people being "easy" aka slutty and how she isn't, and I told her, "theres no such thing as easy, there is comfortable, and uncomfortable." and explained what I meant. I like that way of discribing the slutty vs not slutty issue. Some people are more comfortable with sexual activity earlier on because they have different values, it doesn't make them easier or more slutty, they just have values that allow them to become more comfortable more quickly in a sexual situation. If a person is 100% comfortable with being sexual with another person and it happens, it has nothing to do with ease or sluttiness. Just amount of time it takes to become comfortable.

Monday, October 20, 2008

New Goal!

Get a girl who is willing and able to dance (read: strip) for me, to this song...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

FR: Tasting Abundance

Last night I was taking it easy, just going to watch a movie at the house. This girl I kinda know, SassyFrass' housemate, adds me on facebook while I'm online. We'll call her TheActress. I write on her wall something like "oh my god I'm friends with a z-list celebrity! eee!" and she writes back, and I write back, etc etc until I send her an instant message on FB. We start talking, I really enjoy talking with her, she's got such a unique sense of humor and I was actually giggling at my computer.

She asks for my AIM name, I give it to her, we start talking on there. She says she likes talking to me. We joke around some more, I tell her I'm leaving to go watch a movie, and give her my number and tell her to call or text when she's back in town (we're on break). She gives me her number and asks me to text her because she doesn't have her phone on her to put it in, I do. We had talked about The Happening and she asked "you wanna watch it sometime?"

"yeah sure"

"watch it with me?"

"love to"

"ok! :)"

Which I thought was just damned adorable. I went downstairs, got into my movie, and about 2/3 through it, SassyFrass texts me...

"Wat are ya up to?"

Thought about Nilatak's advice, didn't want to be too eager and be like "oh man, alone and watching a movie, you should join me" So I just answered the question.

"Watchin a movie"

"Hmm ok. Im home alone"

I took a second to respond because at this point I was freaking out a little bit because this girl intimidates me and I figured this was a booty call for sure (about 11:30 pm) and ran upstairs to check the advice that Nilatak had given me about texting and neediness one more time, and she sent another text.
"Ok. Im home alone."

"Thats weak. Theres still some movie left"

"Yea im just lonely and stupid [housemate] and [housemate's boyfriend] are at [boyfriend's]. so iv got to b alone. sad."

I decided she was playing it safe, and I was just going to go all in.

"Well if you want to finish this one with me, ill bring it over"

"O! Haha no its fine. I didnt mean u had to come now or interupt ur movie."

Maybe she didn't want me to come over...?

"Ill be over in 10"

"Do u want me to pick u up?"

Maybe she did.

I was honestly worried the short car ride would be awkward, so...

"Nah. Ill bike"

Grabbed condoms, brushed my teeth, put on deodorant, and headed out. Couple minutes later I'm there and I walk in. For some reason it just doesn't feel on. We sit down on the same couch, are sitting close enough for our bodies to be touching, have a blanket over us, the house is empty except us, and it doesn't feel on. I decide this is stupid, but I can't get myself to emotionally respond to what logically looks like it should be a very easily sexual situation. She is acting very girly, like "I'm in need of a strong man to take care of me" girly. I'm shocked and confused because normally she's so god damned alpha I'm intimidated into near silence.

We can't get the original movie to work, so we put in a different one. We don't even cuddle, just sit close. I toy with the idea of saying "So did you invite me over here to sit close or are we going to cuddle" but I didn't, instead I got up, got some water, and when I sat back down I put my arm around her, but she didn't really adjust for it and in a minute said it was uncomfortable and moved away. I was confused. Later on she lays down toward her side of the couch, so I concede it as a loss and try to get her to chase me by withdrawing to my own side of the couch.

About 15 minutes later, it works. She picks up the pillows, gives them to me to make myself comfortable, then leans in to snuggle up with me. I move us into spooning position, but I'm still acting like a pussy, or at least I thought so. The movie is almost over, so I start nuzzling her neck and ear and gently kiss her and nibble on her neck, she likes it, but then pulls away and is like "no, no thats not why I invited you here, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make it seem that way" or something like that, not in a forceful way but keeping with the down-girly tone of the evening.

I pull away and say that's cool, and suddenly BAM I didn't care anymore. What's she going to do, reject me again? Pshhhhh. I start playing with her body like a "rag doll" to quote her, moving her around, pulling her in, making constant fun of her, and generally amusing myself. I tell a bunch of stories about other girls (It seemed to fit at the time, I wasn't thinking about preselection stories or anything, but later she was like "you know, for coming here and trying to hook up, you tell a lot of stories about other girls, its an interesting tactic" or something like that) and we really start getting to know eachother.

The other night when we had hung out, she got pretty drunk and was crazily throwing punches at me, not violently, but harder than she should because she was drunk. I would catch her arms and spin her around and hold her, and I guess I gave her a couple bruises. One between her bicep and her upper arm bone, and on the other arm right at the elbow. Wrestlers know what thats about. Anyway, she comes in with something about how, and I dont know how it came up anymore, but how all the pieces were in place for "a girl" to accuse me of sexual assault, seeing as how nobody was around, shes got bruises, etc etc, and how the court would side with "the girl" in an instant. She wasn't threatening me, she just thought it would be interesting I spose.

I decided this was not the point to hide my feelings. I don't want to make a victim of myself, but she's right, and thats fucked up, and it's fucked up to joke about. I make like I'm going to leave. I think it was the second time I put on my jacket and was about to go. She reeled me back in and apologized, tried to get me to talk about it. I didn't want to, we changed the subject.

It got fun again, she asked me to stay for another movie, I had a sandwich. We're spooning and I'm starting to fall asleep, so I tell her, and tell her I should go. She thrusts her hips abck into me and I pull her in and start smelling her hair and gently nuzzling her. She calls me a tease, I bite her neck and kiss her neck and shoulders. I pull her in for a kiss and she's like "no, I'm not kissing you" so I say "fine, you don't get to" and I fully intended to bang her without ever kissing her. But it just wasn't working out. As aggressive as I was being, I think I could have been even moreso and made it happen.

Eventually I got up to leave, made her get up, played with her a little more, she comes to the door to help me out and I shove her against the wall. She really likes that, calls me a tease again, wraps her leg around me as I kiss her neck more and she moans. Then she pushes me off and I walk out.

I think she really just wanted the last hurrah, which is too bad for me for falling into it, and if I wasn't so committed to leaving at that point I probably could have just told her to shut up, pushed her back against the wall, then taken her. I did a lot of things wrong, but to me the most important thing was getting to the point where I can be ME around her, instead of all intimidated and weird. Also, I had a lot of fun, which is how it should be. Even if I don't get with her, her house mate is obviously into me, so...awesome!

Saturday, October 11, 2008


Went to a friend's birthday party last night, lots of fun and good times all around. I met a pretty cute asian girl wearing a playboy bunny outfit, Asia.

Asia and I flirt on and off throughout the night, I had her take my phone number and call my phone, then we left a voicemail on her phone together, and I also had her text me asking me to call her. She's wearing my headband from my costume.

The end of the night rolls around and I get in the car to get a ride home. Asia is driving a couple other people, in their car, back to their place. We get there, they unload, Asia and I get into the car of one of her friends and head back to the original party, where we change cars again, this time it's just me and Asia and she's taking me home.

We get here and I say, "pull up into the driveway and park, and come inside for a second" She says ok and complies. We go inside, I get some water, we go up to my room. I close the door, change out of my costume (muay thai fighter) and start talking about my little movie collection and ask her to pick one. We choose Casino Royale, she's sitting on my bed and says something I call her a liar, she says she never lies, so I sit near her, moving gradually closer and say "you don't lie? never? you'd never lie to me..." as I close in and kiss her. She kisses me but she's all non commital about the kiss. We kiss a little more, she says she should go, I say I want her to stay, she says ok and we start the movie. We cuddle, makeout, cuddle, makeout, she can't seem to accept that I really like her, "I don't usually dress like this, you're going to see me around at school and you're going to think I look like a bum" I say something to the effect of "whatever."

Turns out Asia is a virgin. A legit virgin, to quote Millennium, "They DO exist..!"

She really wants me to call, I'm going to, but we'll see. I've never been with an asian girl before, but she's also a virgin. She left a little later.

LR: LittleOne

Not much to say about this one. It was a few weeks coming, but it inevitably did. I was at LittleOne's place the other night, just watching a movie and cuddling, it was understood I was going to stay the night. She starts humping my leg, we start fooling around, and finally she lets the panties come off. We couldn't have sex because it was the one night I didn't bring a condom with me, because I genuinely didn't want to have sex that night (before that point).

The next night I went over, had her take me out to dinner, then we went back and sealed the deal, "You did bring a condom this time, right?" It's good to be with somebody I actually like. Speaking of which, I give credit to (though it's a correlation, not a cause) this happening, the end of her LMR, to a text I sent (and the amount of time we spent together).

Me: "You miss, are a little tiny female"

Her: "oh really. you're so observant"

Me: "Yep, and I have another observation..."

Her: "What is it"

Me: "I like you :)"

Her: "aww, I think I like you too"

Just something sweet for her to think about while we were apart, a few days before we finally had sex.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I'm too god damn safe

Like the title says, I'm too god damn safe. I'm so WORRIED about rejection, even on a small scale.

Look at many of my approaches. Unless the girls are jumping down my throat, I'm in and out in 5-20 seconds. Wam! They're laughing awesome! better leave because I feel like I MIGHT run out of steam. And I'm out.

Last time I saw SassyFrass I was in a bad mood and she invited me over to cook dinner for me. She texted me the next day, asking if I was still interested and if I'd go to the play at school with her too. I said yes, we planned for tonight at 6: 30. She texts me at like 5:45 "did you say youd go to the play with me?" I said yes and that she said shed make me dinner. She siad she didnt have any food, blah blah, she calls me, turns out she does have food but just doesn't have any chicken for the macaroni she's making. Fine. We talk for a bit and I feel a good energy on the phone. She's being girly and I'm having fun.

I'm a little nervous going over there, managed to see a couple girls I knew on the way over and chatted a bit to get the social juices going. Got there, it was kinda blah, but she was giving me passive signs that she was into me. Look at me, looking for signs when a girl makes me dinner and invites me out with her. Anyway, I sit on one of three couches and she sits on the same one, we fight over the remote and she seems to be enjoying herself. Her housemate comes home, turns out shes coming too because another housemate is starring in the play. Fine. SF basically ignores me while she's talking to her friend. We go to the play, SF basically ignores me while talking with another girl. At one point I pulled her into a half hug for some reason and she complied with putting her head into my chest so easily, but nope, not enough for me. We watch the whole play, I touch her like once, she never touches me. At one point I'm on the phone with a friend during intermission because she was off talking to some other people, she asks who I'm talking to and I tell her and say "Say hi SassyFrass" and she pulls away from the phone looking weirded out and says "Why?" and asks "Does your friend not believe you're out with a girl?" I realize that that is exactly what it looks like, like I had said "dude i'm out with this chick, check it out I'll make her say hi just so you KNOW!" I reply to her "yeah totally" or something like that.

Anyway, nothing happens, we watch the play and congratulate her housemate on doing so well.

I ask the girl who drove if she can take me home, she does, I leave.

This girl wants to be fucked. Well, WANTED to be fucked, I can't say for sure now. I mean part of me is like "dude its fine, you didn't give her any real indications that you were into her, so nothing has changed, she still wants it" part of me is like "don't even fucking worry, it's one girl, you still might get her, and you might not, it doesn't matter either way" and part of me says "ugg how come you're such a god damned pussy"

I am not a pussy. I am tired of acting like one. I hereby commit myself to putting my "self" ON THE LINE. I will run in under a hail of gunfire, I will not submit to paltry social pressures like "somebody might see me put my arm around her...oh god!" No more of that stupid crap. I'm done with it. I'd much rather get rejected and be able to say I tried than to come back here and bitch at the internet.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

FR: Parties and such

I'm losing momentum. Not having my car, I haven't been getting out as often as I'd like, and by that I mean the only time I'm going out specifically to practice is...never. I get a few random approaches in during the week, real spur of the moment stuff and I've made some solid contacts, and I usually hit a party or two on the weekend.

Anyway, tonight I went over to a buddy's house, a dual 21st birthday. I just kind of mingled, I was having fun but I was moving everywhere. That's something I do at parties that I've got to slow down, I never allow myself time to chill and relax into the environment and make some connections. I walk around, moving from point to point, talking with people in short bursts before walking away. I think I'm just deathly afraid of putting myself out there in a committed interaction sometimes. One thing I did well, this girl I call C-Frish, I don't even know her real name and it's become a joke between us, I tell her never to tell me. Anyway I saw her and I busted on her way too hard, something about how she was embarassing me and herself. She looked legitimately hurt and started walking away, so i grabbed her by the arm and said "hey, come back here.." and pulled her in for a big hug, which she fully invested herself in. I realized I was being a douche, and I pulled it back, that's important.

I left a little while later and met up with Millenium. He and I headed to another house party with his girlfriend and her friend. Got there, I just didn't feel social tonight, I mingled a little bit and this girl who loves me for some reason and is not from around here but visits, comes up, ignores her boyfriend for me, but then introduces him as her boyfriend. Too bad. I tried to leave and call it a night but I met up with some friends and they literally carried me back.

I'm chatting with Millenium and leaning over, so my stomach was kinda fatty feeling under my shirt (I'm not fat, but I'm not in the best shape of my life). Anyway, M's girlfriend starts grabbing my fat, it kinda tickles and hurts and she goes "what is all this!?" I think it's so stupid that I do it back and say "oh wow! look you've got it too!" she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and starts kicking and punching me. Legitimately trying to hurt me, I'm like "Millenium, regulate this shit." But he thinks we're kidding around and she keeps trying to hit me. Part of me was confused I was being attacked, and part of me was saddened that a girl, upon receiving exactly the same treatment that she's giving, flips the fuck out. One of the other girls "broke it up," the girlfriend walks away, comes back, and then starts complimenting me....Right.

Inside I ended up meeting a very cute japanese foreign exchange student, Japan. I grabbed her by the arm and asked her why everybody was leaving the room I was headed for. I should remember that, I don't always have to approach somebody in a direct or clever way. Asking them a question is just fine. That doesn't mean I'm going to walk around shooting opinion openers off at parties, that is stupid, but sometimes i gotta hammer the basics in.

At one point this older community guy I know through the lair comes over and starts trying to DHV me to a girl I've known for a year. This is one reason I try to avoid him.

Japan and I start talking and part, I see her again, later I see her walking by and I just yell "JAPAN!! come here" she comes over and we start talking. The girl she was with, she met that night. I move her out of the room too come with me to get some water. We move around the party and talk a little bit, she was super nice, though I can't be sure if she was attracted. I got her phone number, gave her mine, was going to leave her a voicemail with both of us talking but she doesnt have voicemail because shes only in the country for a little while and her plan doesn't cover it. Her almost transsexual friend comes over. He(almost she... I heard he's actually taking hormones and he does have a wicked feminine voice) and I talk a little bit, but he is leaving the party and takes Japan with him.

I was heading home myself when I ran across the girl who really needs a damn name because she keeps coming up. She is upset and walking home alone, at night, in north portland. Not the safest. I offer to walk her. We get all the way to her house when her drunk housemate calls, tells her she walked the wrong way trying to get home (also alone) and so now we have to go and get her. We do. On the way back to my place (which was in the direction we had to go to meet the drunk girl) I ran into SassyFrass. She runs up and hugs me and wraps her legs around me, and says we're going to hang out soon and sorry for passing out on the couch the night before (I went over for a small get together, just some friends and drinking games.) She's going to make me dinner on wednesday.

Anyway, I get my housemates boyfriend to drive the lot of us back to the drunk girls' house and drop them off, then come back.

I think a key to getting good at this is being able to develop the mindset where I'm genuinely curious about any person I choose to be curious about. The only girl i was really interested, consciously and emotionally (not just attracted to), tonight was Japan, but there were TONS of hott females around.


For some reason, I am upset and a little angry with girls. I was fine with walking the original drunk girl home, its not like she asked me, I decided it was the right thing to do. But drunk girl kept getting on the phone while I was walking her, and I started caring less and less. Eventually I started to get downright annoyed. Who is so stupid drunk that they walk a mile in the wrong direction trying to get home. That isn't a question.

By the time we rendezvous with the real drunk girl, I didn't even want to look at either of them, just get them home and get me home. I don't know why this whole situation pissed me off. I guess maybe because I didn't feel like I was getting the respect I deserved for the great pains I was taking to get these girls home safe. I think it's the old nice guy in me, upset that he isn't getting laid for doing nice "gentlemanly" things. The thing is, I'm just not interested in sleeping with the first girl I was walking home with, I used to be, now I'm repulsed at the idea. I would probably with the other, she's just a weird girl so its like a novelty attraction. But I wasn't actively interested in it.

Seeing SassyFrass and having her confirm to make me dinner and hang out actually put me in a worse mood. Whats up with that? Ug, gotta figure some shit out. Gotta get in field more.