Sunday, November 2, 2008

Should have Shouldn't have

Halloween...Goodness gracious.

Try to make it brief. Met up with some guy friends, together we all drank a bit and headed downtown to this rock club. I ended up bringing Japan along, she was tons of fun. I opened about a thousand sets and took pictures in all of them, but I was too out of control to go further than to pop in, get a picture, and pop back out.

Came back, Japan had held my hand tight and interlocked fingers in the club, we had gone to about a thousand different locations together, I taught her about the horns of rock, on the walk back to her place I asked if she was a virgin, she said no. Whew. She also said she doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't here long enough for anything serious. At least thats what I think she meant. Anyway, took her to her dorm, hugged her and left. No idea why I didn't try to escalate except that I was drunk and didn't trust my own judgement.

Went home alone, decided fuck that, its Halloween. So I went back out looking for a random party. Things were turning off around then, but I managed to fall in with some friends and got to this kegger. One cute girl. We moved from there to another house, to my place, back to the original place (her house). Drinking games, karaoke, nothing going to happen. Returned about 5:30 am. I've never been out that late before in my life.

Last night I was just going to call it a night and watch a movie by myself. It felt right to do. I got a call from this girl, VCard. We talked a little, she was wondering if i was near her dorm, I said no, blah blah, we hang up. She texts and says she wants to come over. I say sure why not.

She comes over, she's a sweet girl and I love her as a person, especially with her roommate, they make a hilarious team, but I'm not attracted to her. Anyway, I was watching a movie, and finished it, but since she was over I put another one on. She asks if we're going to cuddle, I say sure.

We're cuddling, I wasn't going to do anything, but I, being weak at times, changed my mind.

"Take off your shirt, I'm practically naked so you're wearing too many clothes"

*removes shirt*

Her bra is actually really sexy, I can tell she put it on for me...We end up hooking up. This girl was wildly enthusiastic, but obviously inexperienced. Enough said. I wasn't going to have sex with her.

But this is what upsets me. I changed my mind.

What happened to the oldest standard on my list, I do NOT do virgins. Too much flak, not even worth it. The appeal of treading fresh powder doesn't even pique my interest, so what gives? I say to her "Do you want to have sex" She says "I'm not sure." I say "I'm getting a condom, tell me if you change your mind."

I tear off her panties, put on a condom, and procede to attempt. Not only is she too tight, but when I tried to finger her earlier I swear I felt her hymen. Of course I don't know what a hymen feels like, so I can only speculate that that was indeed what I felt. I try to put it in her and she almost screams for the pain of it. I stop. I don't even want to be here, what am I doing?

Then SHE apologizes to me. God.

If it isn't coming across in my writing, I'm a little disgusted with myself. We go to sleep, I don't even want her to spend the night but I don't say anything about it, figuring I just tried to take VCard's V-card, its the least I can do. We wake up at 7 am, I tell her I have to get some real sleep and she needs to leave, she appears fine with it and leaves.

I'm upset with myself for not holding to my own standards. I want to get back in the field, halloween was a taste and I miss it so much. No excuses anymore.

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