Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I'm too god damn safe
Like the title says, I'm too god damn safe. I'm so WORRIED about rejection, even on a small scale.
Look at many of my approaches. Unless the girls are jumping down my throat, I'm in and out in 5-20 seconds. Wam! They're laughing awesome! better leave because I feel like I MIGHT run out of steam. And I'm out.
Last time I saw SassyFrass I was in a bad mood and she invited me over to cook dinner for me. She texted me the next day, asking if I was still interested and if I'd go to the play at school with her too. I said yes, we planned for tonight at 6: 30. She texts me at like 5:45 "did you say youd go to the play with me?" I said yes and that she said shed make me dinner. She siad she didnt have any food, blah blah, she calls me, turns out she does have food but just doesn't have any chicken for the macaroni she's making. Fine. We talk for a bit and I feel a good energy on the phone. She's being girly and I'm having fun.
I'm a little nervous going over there, managed to see a couple girls I knew on the way over and chatted a bit to get the social juices going. Got there, it was kinda blah, but she was giving me passive signs that she was into me. Look at me, looking for signs when a girl makes me dinner and invites me out with her. Anyway, I sit on one of three couches and she sits on the same one, we fight over the remote and she seems to be enjoying herself. Her housemate comes home, turns out shes coming too because another housemate is starring in the play. Fine. SF basically ignores me while she's talking to her friend. We go to the play, SF basically ignores me while talking with another girl. At one point I pulled her into a half hug for some reason and she complied with putting her head into my chest so easily, but nope, not enough for me. We watch the whole play, I touch her like once, she never touches me. At one point I'm on the phone with a friend during intermission because she was off talking to some other people, she asks who I'm talking to and I tell her and say "Say hi SassyFrass" and she pulls away from the phone looking weirded out and says "Why?" and asks "Does your friend not believe you're out with a girl?" I realize that that is exactly what it looks like, like I had said "dude i'm out with this chick, check it out I'll make her say hi just so you KNOW!" I reply to her "yeah totally" or something like that.
Anyway, nothing happens, we watch the play and congratulate her housemate on doing so well.
I ask the girl who drove if she can take me home, she does, I leave.
This girl wants to be fucked. Well, WANTED to be fucked, I can't say for sure now. I mean part of me is like "dude its fine, you didn't give her any real indications that you were into her, so nothing has changed, she still wants it" part of me is like "don't even fucking worry, it's one girl, you still might get her, and you might not, it doesn't matter either way" and part of me says "ugg how come you're such a god damned pussy"
I am not a pussy. I am tired of acting like one. I hereby commit myself to putting my "self" ON THE LINE. I will run in under a hail of gunfire, I will not submit to paltry social pressures like "somebody might see me put my arm around her...oh god!" No more of that stupid crap. I'm done with it. I'd much rather get rejected and be able to say I tried than to come back here and bitch at the internet.