Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Turning Her Down

I've been putting myself through a personal challenge the last few months. The night before I began the challenge, I was in conversation with a certain girl (I've mentioned her here before, I don't know if she has a name on here, I'll call her Modi) and she said to me something that struck me so deeply, that rang so fully with understanding of myself and what I was saying to her, that I almost cried. I told her about my challenge. That night we had sex and parted ways. I wasn't certain what I wanted to do with it, but I was certain that we'd built a certain bond. Whatever that bond is/was remains to be seen.

We had been chatting recently and she mentioned that some guy she was kind of seeing (not exclusively) was miserable in bed. We ended up talking about ourselves and our experience together, what we like and don't like. Near the end of the discussion I thought of how much fun it would be to take this girl out on a date, a legitimate date. So I asked her, she said yes, and we set a date. I had planned to get sushi, bring it and some wine out to a place where we could park overlooking the city, eat, then go together to a comedy club in town. Rarely do I ever put that much thought into a date (it's usually just a movie at my place, or dinner then a movie at my place).

Two days before the date she called me up and said that she was sorry, but she had forgotten about plans that she had made with somebody else before she and I made plans. She sounded very sincere and said that she wanted to reschedule when we got back from our Thanksgiving break. I believed her, and as it turns out she was being sincere.

She got in contact with me again and asked when we could reschedule our date. I set a date and time for this Friday.

She texted me today:

Modi - Hey mister, so is there any way our date could be tomorrow?
Modi - Or could we do it saturday? My friend needs some moral support on friday night

Me - Support for what?

Modi - An ex girlfriend thing

Me - Help your friend

Modi - Can we still see each other on saturday?

Me - Nah, don't worry about it

Modi - What? I wanted to see you not want to hang out with me? I'm not blowing you off

Me - Try to see it from my perspective. I've already turned down 2 invites for friday because of our plans. How important does this look to me vs you

Me - I'm not upset, but I'd feel like a tool if I rescheduled so you can put somebody over me a second time.

Then she called me. I contemplated not picking up, but I did. She said that she had rescheduled with her friend, told him she couldn't break plans with me and he (based on her tone) resentfully said he would find somebody else. She asked if we could still go out and I said I'd rather not. To me, the idea of going out together after this has happened sounds almost like just going through the motions for the sake of it. The original excitement has left it, it feels like pity coming from her since she hurt my feelings, so to speak, and I worry that she might be resentful that I couldn't be a nice guy and just reschedule.

I'm certain I could overcome all of that, and make it as if nothing could happen. But I don't feel like summing up the emotional energy for it.

I had one friend invite me to a wrestling tournament that he and his friends are having (I love wrestling) on the same day as my date was scheduled with Modi. I told him I had plans and couldn't make it this week. I had one of my girl friends invite me out with her and her group of sexy females to an 80's night downtown. No thanks group of 10 females and me, I've got a date Friday.

Then some dude calls her up and says he needs moral support for an ex girlfriend thing. I don't even know what that is, and it doesn't matter to me. That she was unwilling to try to get him to understand her plans, and try, at the very least try to get him to find somebody else or work it around her plans with me, says that she isn't as interested or excited as I am for our date. Furthermore, she's disrespecting me by thinking that it's A-OK for her to reschedule on me a second time, and that I'll just sit back and nod yes because she's a woman and that's what 'nice' guys do.

She didn't convince me to reschedule. I told her we'd do it another time. I don't know if I meant it.

I've never turned a woman who was interested in me down before this. She canceled on the other guy and basically came crawling back, and I told her no. I didn't tell her because that was "the alpha" thing to do, I did it because I felt very disrespected by her behavior and didn't want to go out with somebody (especially put thought and money into going out) who would treat me like that. A second rate option.

Am I over reacting here?


Anonymous said...

this sounds like something i would have done exactly, i don't know if were just different then most guys but i felt what you did was right. you seemed to have put a lot of thought into the date and for her to try to reschedule a second time was kind of weird. it seems like she genuinely did want to go out with you so im interested to hear if you have spoke to her since?

Dasani said...

We've talked and seen each other, but not at length. Just a few text messages and some interaction at a party. Feels to me like it's not going to go anywhere again.

Anonymous said...

Yes. Sounds like she is making an effort to reschedule. She responds to text and calls. Don't sweat the small stuff.

djadvance said...

I'm way late here, but my opinion is that you sabotaged yourself unnecessarily. Why couldn't you have just gone to the eighties night on Friday? It sounds like you let your resentment get the best of you.

Dasani said...

I'm confused. This girl wasn't a part of the 80s night. Of course I could still go to that, just call up my other girlfriend and take her up on it (I think I may have, I don't remember).

Are you saying I should have accepted moving the date to another day, and then gone to the 80s night as well? If yes, you're missing the point. I'm not out to get laid at any cost (which is the subtext of my growth in this post). The point was that I felt disrespected by Modi, and because of how I felt I was being treated I no longer felt any desire to go out with her.

Yes, you could say my resentment got the best of me. I see my actions here as indicative of an ever evolving sense of self worth. I didn't want to go out with a girl who would make me feel that way about myself, even if it meant getting laid.

djadvance said...

>Are you saying I should have accepted moving the date to another day, and then gone to the 80s night as well?


>I see my actions here as indicative of an ever evolving sense of self worth. I didn't want to go out with a girl who would make me feel that way about myself, even if it meant getting laid.

Ah, yes, but even further along on the growth path, you'll be able to take these ego blows in stride. It's the mark of a weak man to take shit, a stronger man to dodge it and avoid it, and the strongest man to be unaffected by it.

Dasani said...

You're probably right.