Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentines Day and other stuff
I had an enjoyable night so I figured it warrants a write up.
This was the first Valentines Day in recent memory where I didn't feel down or upset or pressured to have a girl around. I actually realized, midway through dialing LittleOne's number, that I didn't want to call her on V-Day because of all of the expectations and weirdness that comes along simply because of what day it is. So I didn't.
I headed out to Puppykins' birthday party at a friends' house, came in, decided I would drink but not a lot, and just sat down to play some caught in the web with some friends (that game always cracks me up). Met a decently cute girl, flirted with Beej (who I decided I'm just not going to show any interest in whatsoever. She's gotta be banging my door down in lingerie if she wants it, after the weirdness she pulled). When people started showing up, I've seen this before, but it's always hilarious to me; every girl who was single was dressed to the nine's. Makeup, dresses, pushup bras, the whole shebang. It was especially funny to me because it was a kegger at not the classiest place in the world, and especially without a classy theme. These girls were dressed simply to attract male attention because somebody arbitrarily set a day where you HAVE to have somebody around or you're a failure and have to hate yourself. That's how I used to feel, this time I just enjoyed myself.
Doa (I've mentioned her briefly on here I believe in my homecoming post, and she's the girl who inspired my last post) has two friends who showed up, we'll call them Spain (because her name sounds like a spanish city) and Emo (because I like her hair and tongue piercing). Spain is pretty cute and tends to throw herself at guys, whether she likes them or not, but is super friendly and I enjoy her company. She definitely wants my dick. Emo is a lot of fun and at our last dance, designed her whole outfit to fit around her having a pierced tongue and told me I was her favorite, shes got a gorgeous face but is an all around bigger girl (not fat, but taller and a little chub, but she carries it well).
What was interesting about this was that I'm so interested in Doa, that I actually managed to contain myself and not hook up with either Spain or Emo (Spain was a for sure, Emo was a probably). however, I did write out an exception. I WOULD locking myself out with Doa for the chance at a threesome with both Emo and Spain. Early in the night, this seemed almost assured.
Doa showed up to the party a little later and came up to me, giving me her usual big hug and head on my shoulder, and introduced me to her imported dick for the evening. This was wonderful. When I thought that I had completely lost my chance with Doa (inspiring my angst fueld latenight "reminder" post) I started to hate her. I wanted to hurt her emotionally, I wanted her to walk in on me banging her best friend, I wanted her to throw herself at me just so I could have the satisfaction of turning her down, I wanted her to realize that I was an incredible catch and beat her self up for ever putting us to chance. My rationalization at the time was akin to this, "If you treat her in your mind like she's your enemy, just a dumb bitch who you don't like, you'll be able to act more aloof and attractive around her and your natural distance will spark more attraction." Seriously. This is how I used to think in high school, and I HATED women in high school. I don't hate women anymore, and I had a small revelation when I became conscious of this line of reasoning behind my feelings and fantasies about Doa.
It really is so much easier to hate something than to love it, and hate is yet another self defense mechanism designed to keep my fragile sense of self from "collapsing," or so it fears. It allows me to shift blame for things not turning out the way I had originally intended, from me, onto them. It's not that I wasn't man enough to make things happen, it's that she's a blind dumb bitch who can't see what a catch I am. It's not that I'm upset over not being with her, it's that she's a slut and I have higher standards than that and she doesn't deserve a guy like me. Hate is the defense mechanism that allows me to feel better about myself in the face of rejection, rather than own up to the fact that I didn't do so well as I should, and dealing with it. It is the shortcut that allows me to rationalize my way into bypassing growth.
Jumping back, when she introduced me to ImportedDick (the term meaning, she brought a guy in from her home town to spend valentines day with her, maybe just a friend to keep her company, maybe an exboyfriend, who knows, doesn't matter dont care) I didn't feel any curiousity about his history with Doa (other than to label him as ID) I was pleased to see Doa, not scared or upset, and I didn't collapse into a pit of self pity and loathing of women because Doa would probably have some other dude in her bed for the night (sidenote: little twinge of jealousy as I wrote that. I'm workin' on it).
I met a number of cute girls at the party, nothing particularly noteworthy, and on a weird sidenote, I think my standards were raised somehow for what constitutes big boobs. Either that or these girls, who I usually see as having massive tits, were wearing outfits that hid them, which doesn't make sense because it was valentines day and their tits were hanging out. A few of these girls probably have DDs and I was thinking "eh, they're kinda big" hahahaha. One kinda strung out but very sexy redhead (super long hair, love that) was making out with this hippy guy on the dancefloor (good for him) and he teased her expertly, it was great to see. She was trying to kiss him, her head at this angle \ (facing right) with her mouth raised trying to get to his, and he was at the same angle \, facing left keeping his mouth just out of reach of hers but with his forehead pressed to hers. I could tell it was driving her insane in the best way, and then he finally relented. Nice fuckin' job hippyguy.
I left the party at one point, and who should I see outside but Doa, ImportedDick, Spain, and Emo, all leaving as well. Visions of that threesome swam through my mind. "Hey guys, what are you up to?"
Spain - "oh we're heading back to our dorm, are you coming with us?"
And for some reason which I understand and annoys the bejesus out of me (I had made the decision to go home and subconsciously I was sticking to it regardless, I do this a lot, another defense mechanism) I told her I was probably going to just head home.
They went home, I went home. I got there, decided it was valentines day and there were girls out there who wanted to meet me, and went back to the party. I probably walked like a mile and a half total. Got back to the party, flirted with Beej some more (hoping she would indeed throw herself at me) and then saw Shygirl (I think thats what I named her on here) and talked with her a bit before I left again. So no dice, but I was proud that instead of just collapsing onto the computer, I went back out into the mix again.