Friday, August 22, 2008

The last bit before the new bit

I was out of town for a week, out in the wilderness with my family. Then when I got home, I got rear-ended and my car is currently out of commission. This has made going out specifically to meet women more of a challenge, however I've been keeping up in other ways.

Out of town, I made some interesting observations. My oldest brother, years ago the terror of my life, has changed his behavior toward me in huge ways. The level of respect he gives me is unprecedented. The way he reacts to me is new and easily testable. I would jokingly accuse him of doing things, for instance last year he and I went out into the woods with naught but some beer and rifles. I said to my mom, jokingly "...and he made me drink a beer with him too!" and my brother got defensive and said "I did not make you!" He was also taking his behavioral cues off of me. He had a blood lust and really wanted to shoot a small animal, personally I can't stand killing anything, even insects if I can avoid it, so this was not ok with me. I found myself pleading with him not to shoot, "Please man, don't shoot it, don't!" but when I became conscious of the way in which I was using my voice (it is also interesting to note that some Teachers, who should be in command all the time, plead with their students not to behave in certain ways. Coming from a person of authority, pleading is not polite nor effective, and it only reinforces the bad behavior by showing the student that he/she has power over the authority in the classroom.) I changed my tone and my choice of words, and delivered the next line of dialog, "Don't shoot the bird." My brother put down his rifle and we kept walking. This was so powerful for me to see.

I did catch myself falling into old behavioral patterns, such as when I was pleading, or another time when he came at me with fists raised (though not really threatening) and my muscles automatically contracted in the flight portion of the fear response, instead of readying and calming myself for a potential attack, which I'm more than able to deal with at this point. The fact that I'm conscious of all of this, and that as much as I've said (and maybe more) has changed between us, speaks volumes for my personal development. I attribute a lot of this success to my discovery of my limiting belief about my own attractiveness and self worth.

As for the car accident, I was heading home from a night out with three friends, we were unable to enter the freeway because of a large two trailered semi passing us, and as I pulled off the road as far as I could and waited for a free space to get on the freeway, I got hit from behind. The weirdest thing is, I felt no surprise, no fear, no anxiety, not even any anger or disappointment. I literally felt nothing. The weirder than weirdest thing is, my first thought was "I just got in an accident" and my second thought was "this is probably going to help me get laid" followed by the third and most disturbing thought "A person who is in control of his emotions and the situation, who cares for his friends, would ask if everybody is ok" at which point I took that exact action.

The accident portion is obvious. The getting laid part, I had been flirting with one of the girls all night and felt that it was ON, and the sympathy garnered from my car being damaged would cause her to be more touchy to help "sooth" me. I was mostly right about this, though I did not end up getting laid. She is still in the works. We'll call her Hippygirl. But the third part required some thought.

The next day after the accident, I was in a slump all day until I first wrote in my journal and then met up and talked with Millenium. As I wrote, I realized that the reason for my slump, my unidentifiable neutral emotion, was that I was terrified deep down that I did not genuinely care about my friends, that I was acting off of a program or an idea, and not my own genuine feelings. This isn't exactly the way I want to run my life. I learned by writing further, that my mind operates in many unconscious ways that I wasn't even aware I had programmed it to work in, it also works more efficiently and at a faster rate than I give it credit for.

In the instant I was in a wreck, my mind assessed the entire situation. I had been hit, the area had been checked to see if we were going to get into further trouble, the whole sexual issue was mulled over, the well being of myself was taken into account, and also the well being of my friends, followed finally by my course of action, all in the matter of a moment. The important one to notice here, is the well being of myself. It was not that I didn't care for my friends and that I was operating on a program as a social robot. I was ok, totally ok, not even whiplashed. Subconsciously I knew that everybody else was ok too. The program I was operating on was courtesy. This is why I did not feel genuine concern. When my friend trips over a root while walking in the forest but keeps walking, I ask if he's ok out of courtesy. I know he's ok. It was the same with the accident. If I had then observed harm to one of my friends, I would have reacted with concern and possibly more. My mind and self are more efficient than this and thus did not bother with hurting the situation by putting me into an unresourceful negative state.

Thus decided and understood, I was able to emerge from my mental stupor and begin once again to enjoy life.

I feel like sometimes I'm addicted to social interaction. Whether it's with girls or guys. My state instantly improves when I'm talking with people. I've decided not to fight this or change it, as it is useful as of right now. It keeps me social and feeling as though I'm giving value to many of the people I come into contact with. My way of practicing my game this past week has been with short but sweet interactions with near every person I come across. Little quips, short conversations, longer dialogues, and even social experimentation. I was in a great mood one day as I bought my books from the school store, and as I appraoched the line, I saw a family of females. A mom, a cutie, and the little sister. I looked the mom in the eye, put a neutral expression on my face and said seriously "I'm going to be cutting in front you you" the whole pack of them giggled, smiled, and stepped back for me to get in line ahead of them! I stopped briefly in the spot, turned around and laughed, told them I wasnt that mean, and moved behind them. They said they they probably would have just let it happen. I joked with them some more in line, then moved to the cashier. "If my books cost less than $500 I'm going to kiss you" she giggled and we chatted as she rung me up. Final tally...$378. " know what this means right..." I don't recall what she did, though I recall being unsure about what she was doing, and instead of kissing her, I said "kissing you would be unprofessional, so.." and i kissed my hand then patted her on the forehead. I think I made her day.

The shitty guys at work have been gone all week, and everybody else seems to really respect me and enjoy my company and good attitude, today was the last day, so I'm onto school next week.

I've texted with V a little bit. I have this VIP night at a bar tonight, and I invited her to it. Hopefully I'll see her there and I'll have some time to chat with her in between sets. Pull? Perhaps, that would be the best outcome for this night. I'll make a separate post for talking about game things.

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