Being a leader as opposed to being "the prize"

It's been a pretty consistent theme for me, and I wrote a post about it some months ago, about resolving the issue between being the prize and still making sex happen without having to leave it up to the girl to do everything. The chase vs. chased issue.

In my head there is a dichotomy. Girls have it engrained in their minds that there is a social order. They are passive and have to have everything happen to them. Guys ask them for their phone number (or even if they give their number to the guy, they are still putting him in that frame of pursuit), guys take them on dates, guys win them over, and they give guys sex. They are the prize in their minds, and in my mind, and I see the prize as something that doesn't do anything, and yet in order to be successful in dating, a man almost always has to do SOMETHING. So how can a man be the prize and still make it happen?

I haven't understood how to wrap my mind around this crucial concept so that it makes sense to me. How can I be the prize, be the one she is chasing, without doing any chasing of my own, when I'm not good enough or money enough yet to have her (most of the hers at least) lapping at my heels. If she doesn't ask for my number and I have to get hers, I am chasing. If I call her and ask her to come hang out, I am chasing. How does a guy who has so many options and doesn't give two shits about any one of them over another justify pursuing behavior? and once you start pursuing, how do you keep from over pursuing to the point where the dichotomy switches from her chasing you, back to you chasing her?

I was reading Brad P's planning the perfect date and I've come up with a way to frame it in my head that makes sense and I'll be thinking about for awhile to see what happens.

I must think of myself, not in the terms of the prize who has to be chased, or the one chasing the prize, or even the prize who has to chase a little bit so that the girl notices.

I must think of myself as a leader.

This is a huge shift from thinking of pursuing behaviors as exactly that. The idea of pursuis puts the image of one behind another, and pins by language the idea of leadership (command and control) in the hands of the one not doing the pursuing. One cannot be the prize and pursue, however one can be the prize and LEAD.

I like this image. I was reading over some of my old posts, and SassyFrass had this habit of texting me in a way that said she wanted to get fucked, but wasn't going to do anything about it. She was just tossing the idea into the air and seeing if the wind would catch it. So it's like this. She's walking around in a dark room, chatting up the air saying "man I'd sure like to get fucked" but she is either unable or unwilling to walk through the door above which hangs a sign "Come inside for sex." Now, the pure prize would stand in the middle and wait, to see if she can manage to blunder her way over to him and accidentally cause sex to happen. I'm too impatient for that by nature (which is something else I should talk about entirely and must work on), and don't have the abundance to make it happen. That same prize, in the same room with a hundred girls blundering around saying the same thing, will get laid pretty consistently.

What I've been doing, is acting the prize, but pursuing, which is essentially, blundering around in the dark room saying the same thing as the girl (sassyfrass in the example) "man i would also like to get fucked, if only some girl would grab my hand and lead me through the sex doorway" which works occasionally, but begs leadership from the girl. In real life terms, things like playing hard to get hoping she will pursue so hard that failure is impossible, texting her with vague statements hoping that she will suggest a meetup, hoping that she will escalate to remove the burden from me. Same room, hundreds of girls, only the really horny ones or generally lower quality ones are going to end up grasping the hand of this guy and leading him through the sex doorway.

Now, same situation, but this time a leader-prize comes in. The girl is blundering around in the dark, chatting up the air, not taking responsibility for her urges or desires. She's putting it out there, some more subtly than others. The leader has his night vision goggles on and can see the situation, he takes her by the hand and commands her to follow him, "but wait, I don't know, you don't have to come over" the prize-pursuer would try to mask his intentions, because he believes that if she doesn't give a massive sign, it is not on enough for him to "pursue." He is murky. The leader-prize silences her and continues to lead. He is not being stripper walked through the door. He is taking control of the situation. He recognizes that she is not stupid, and when she understands where she is going she will do something to get out of it if she is truly not interested. He's not thinking about rejection, he is unafraid to find out if she doesn't like him.

I may have gone a little out there with my metaphor and examples, some of it gets a little confusing, the biggest message to take from this whole deal is:

I no longer pursue. I lead.

Something important to keep in mind. Reframing behavior is often the first step toward trapward rationalization. I can't keep doing the same shit I've done and say "I'm leading!" I have to actually take the mindset of a leader.

My BigBear LR is a perfect example of leading vs. pursuing. I was the prize, but I didn't see my behaviors as pursuit because I wasn't even thinking about making anything happen until she was already at my house. I just led the interaction to a point where sex happened. I didn't game her and try and sit back and make her ask to come inside. I didn't try to push the envelope and make a move on her in the car where further logistics of getting inside would complicate things. I just lead it to a point where it would have been logistically infeasable to not have sex.

FR: First girl from the internet

Here is our e-mail conversation from start to finish...

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
awww, you posted all pictures of you not smiling! But you know what, you haven't fooled me. Deep down, under all your seriousness, theres a kid-at heart goober out to run around on the playground and get pushed down by the boy she likes best. Seriously, if you and I went out on the town, there would be trouble. I'm talking sidewalk chalk trouble =)

=====m**** WROTE:=====
It's true. In real life I'm always smiling, and I cause a lot of trouble.

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
OH yeah? So if you and me got together to devise a clever caper/heist, I could at least count on you to be my getaway driver? What are your other trouble talents?

=====m**** WROTE:=====
Getaway driver I am not...I never learned how to drive and my permit's been expired for about five months. I'm apparently pretty good at being bad at my job though, as I've found out this week!

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
That's rough. I was actually really good at my job, then my supervisor encouraged me to fake some things...didn't end well. That's ok though, I got my weekends back =)

So if you can't drive, how do you get out to do things

-Dasani

=====m**** WROTE:=====
I take the bus or I walk, but I don't get out much and it's not because I don't have a car, it's because I don't have a social life yet. YET!

=====Dasani122 WROTE:=====
Well I dig that you're honest about it, no reason to become a hermit though =)

Hey I like talking with you and I'd like to do it a little easier, shoot me your phone number and I'll give you a call. If we get along on the phone, maybe we'll hang out sometime.

What's your name, by the way.

-Dasani

=====m**** WROTE:=====
I'm xxx-xxx-xxxx. My name is Cupid.


Cupid (obvi)


*******************
We texted occasionally for a couple of days (I don't want to dig through my phone to find them all) and then she told me that she works with XML. I responded with something like "My knowledge of computer stuff got stunted by a bad teacher in highschool, so I take that to mean you build websites. You must enjoy takeout." Which looking back says "I know nothing about your profession and I might have just called you fat" So I got nervous when I didn't get a quick reply and said something else to inoculate it, "And I'm gunna go grab some right now, I'll give you a call tonight, when is a good time." Which got a nonresponse still.

I forgot about her for awhile, and then the last part of my 50th post happened. I agreed to call her about 7 and we'd meet up. Got a late start, Littleone was over, so I texted her and said I'd push back till 7:30 and called her a little after then. I didn't really know what to say so it was a quick, minute long logistical call, "hey whats up, blah blah thats cool, ok so heres the plan, have you been to the nickel arcade? Great, we're going, where do you live, be there in half an hour bye." She had a really cute voice so I was a little excited if also a touch nervous. First girl from the internet!

I drove out to her place and picked her up, gave her a hug upon meeting, and we got in the car. She is actually pretty funny, which surprised me because girls never make me laugh. I was a little too uncomfortable to really relax and enjoy myself though, pretty much all night. I had a good time, but I know it would have been better if I didn't care. She was a tad pudgier than I imagined, in her words, "I'm the only person who has moved to portland and gained weight, everybody here is a vegan" but she had great big tits and was cuter in person than in her pictures.

We went to the nickel arcade, which I'm totally going to make a staple of my dates because its a blast. The most expensive games cost 5 nickels, and they're games that cost like a dollar in a regular arcade. You can also win tickets and buy prizes and there's crane machines for getting stuffed animals (she won four tiny stuffed animal keychains for her and her coworkers, I got enough tickets to buy one of those slippery squishy water things). She had never really played games like that before, and she really got into it, and actually had me cracking up while we were playing this one shooting game. It wasn't a real good place for conversation though, next time I think I'll go out for a drink or coffee or a bite (there are restaurants, bars, and coffee shops all over that area right by the arcade) first, then if we have fun, bounce to the arcade to bask in the playful vibe of videogaming and prizes.

After we left (only spent $15, $2.50 each for an admission ticket and $5 each in nickels) we went for a walk in the area and just talked. It was ok. The zipper on my sweatshirt broke, which sucked, and it's so cold she had her hands in her pockets which makes it hard to try to hold them. Note to self, although it makes a convenient excuse to touch a little bit, walking on the outside of the road feels false every single time I do it on purpose. She told me she's been hooking up with her married coworker, that she is always the other woman, that she lost her virginity at 21 and 1/2 (she's 23). Some of it volunteered information (her hookups) but some of it prompted. I never felt a vibe or a connection with her, which is hard to do when I'm not fully comfortable. End of the night I drove her home and she lingered for a minute after the obligatory "I had a really good time tonight." I didn't feel a vibe so I didn't want to be cliche and got for a goodnight kiss, especially knowing she's banging a married dude and that we're both not looking for anything serious. It would just have been too couply. So I gave her a hug and said "that's all you get. I'll give you a call sometime, night."

I think I should have at least asked to use the bathroom in her place to see if she would ask me to stay longer or offer me a drink or something. Also, I think a Sinn line would have been appropriate at some point in the night, "I'm trying to get into your pants" to let her know where I wanted to take it, which definitely would have helped with the vibe. Remember, don't be afraid to find out she doesn't like you. I'd rather have a girl straight up tell me she doesn't like me than have me acting all murky looking for signs that may or may not be there.

I'll call her after finals, one thing that I liked about her is shes cognizant of things that attract and repulse her, and one thing she said she hates (which meshes with both my own experience and community philosophy) is having guys be "terminally available."

50th Post, Rather Ridiculous

I was out at my buddy's girlfriend's house last night, whose housemate happens to be TheActress. I endeavored to not make things weird, I had brought PuppyKins with me (who I realized later in the night, when I was standing next to her and playing with her hair and scratching behind her ears, that I don't have a compulsion to hook up with her, I really just want to be friends, even though I'm not opposed to her sexually at all) and I was just having a good time. Well TheActress was trying to get back into my pants, or rather into my heart, which just was not going to happen. She gets all close and is whispering in my ear and is letting me feel her up, and imagine this shit with me, this girl is so fucking weird.

We're talking dirty to eachother, I'm saying things that are well beyond my threshold for what I'm comfortable saying in bed to a girl, because I just didn't give a fuck, but picture all of this said in the most seductive voice possible...

"You know what I want to do to you?"

"What?" pressing hips into me

"I wanna take you downstairs and titty fuck your big fucking soft tits and cum all over your face and neck, would you like that?"

"mmmm" moaning in extacy "no" a breath that would only come after an intense orgasm

"You want me to fuck you? I'm gunna fuck you so hard like the naughty little slut you are"

"Uhhhnnn I'm not a slut," She tries to kiss me, breathing heavily "I wanna cuddle, mmmuhhhnn"

Breaking all pretense of talking dirty, "You have 2 choices...well more like 4. One, you can suck my cock, two we can have sex, three I can titty fuck you, or four I can shove you off and go back to my friends"

Trying to be indignant and sultry at the same fucking time god damn it, "Oh so you won't even consider dating me unless you've had sex with me?"

"Yep, thats right. You're a virgin aren't you."

"No...You're an asshole..." still trying to be seductive.

"Yeah I am, told you that. And I don't believe you, bye."

The rest of the night she was trying to touch on me and get in my cuddle pants. I said I MIGHT cuddle with her if we had sex. God she's so....ugngnugghguhg! TAKE A HINT! Her housemate came over and apologized to me for her behavior, I lol'd.

Left and went to another party. 45 seconds after I walked in, I was in the pantry closet hooking up with a girl who I had a one night stand with in the past, #1BJ (I wonder why I named her that???). I went inside, girls and friends were greeting me and hugging me, this girl was especially touchy and I immediately let her kinda fall against me into the kitchen, and she tries to kiss me. This girl was so god damn horny, I've never seen somebody trying to get laid so hard in my life. I tried to pull her to a corner, but realized I could only makeout and then saw the door to the pantry open. Pulled her in, couldn't get her to go down on me, I guess the prospect of kneeling on lenoleum wasn't very appealing. Turned her around and attempted to fuck her from behind but was unable to fit it in her. This blew my mind, I would never have guessed. After 10 or so minutes of hooking up we put our clothes on and went back outside. She never rehooked her bra strap and didn't realize it for like the next two hours. She keeps messing with her (massive) boobs trying to fix things and never even figured it out. Hilarious.

I was on the couch a bit later holding Puppykins head to my chest and playing with her hair. She can be so adorable. I had no interest in hooking up with her. I was fantasizing about falling asleep together and just stroking her head and tickling eachothers backs (my favorite thing in the world). This was really big for me because I always have this compulsion within myself to hook up with pretty much every girl I have the opportunity with. It's something I've been struggling against for quite some time and it makes it hard for me to find girls that I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in, because I confuse mild attraction and a compulsion to hook up with genuine interest a lot of times. This other girl from one of my lit classes was on the couch next to us. She's really pretty, like take home to mom pretty, so I'll call her MomPretty, and I say to her "MomPretty I want to play with your hair too"
"But mine is in a pony tail!"
"take it out and come here"

She does and leans back into my arm and lets me stroke her hair. Somebody starts taking pictures, I look like a pimp. Puppykins is already oriented toward me with her knee over mine somewhat, so I tell MomPretty to do the same thing. She does. (And here is a distinction in calibration, one of my housemates likes to say "do this, do that" and give orders and take things without asking, which in the community would be considered alpha. But its annoying as fuck and inconsiderate. However, I tell this girl to put her head on me, to change posititions, take the tie out of her hair, and it isn't annoying and I'm gaining positive compliance. Something good to remember.)

After a little while Puppykins goes home and me and MomPretty keep cuddling. We have a goofy fight over the remote, we move around the house a bit and talk with people, and comeback to cuddle a few more times (see TheActress? I cuddle. Just not with stupid girls who are afraid of their vaginas.). Finally we are left all alone, she suggests we join the rest of the group who are in the basement playing pool. Its 5 am by this point, I tell her I'm tired and ask if she wants to walk me home. She does. We go to my house, don't say a word about anything but nonsense really, I walk in, she follows, we go straight up to my room, sit on my bed, I close the door, talk a little, start to makeout, but I sense a lot of hesitation.

Another note to self. I've gotten this kind of resistance before and I don't know what to do about it. Usually, and this time was no exception, I say something to the effect of, "Hey it's cool, we don't have to do this, you don't have to be here if you don't want to" They always say that its not that they dont want to, its something else, but then leave (no exception here) so what gives? Probably triggered her anti slut defense, but what can I say to innoculate? Maybe go AFC Adam and say something like, "look I'm a gentleman so you and I are not hooking up, but I do want to cuddle and talk" then move from there. Yeah that sounds good.

She leaves, I go to sleep. Madeout with two different girls, hooked up with one of them, even BigBear gave me a drunk dial. Ridiculous night.

Oh, p.s. forgot to mention. This girl that I met on OkCupid and I are supposed to meet up tonight. We texted a bunch a couple weeks ago, and she went non responsive and I forgot about her. Before taking a nap last night, I sent her a text "hey whats up" just to see if she was still going to be non responsive. My phone rang a bunch of times while I was sleeping but I ignored it. Checked my texts and calls: my mom, my buddy, and OkCupid girl...

"any interst in seeing mirah w me tonight at the aladdin? i have an extra ticket. freeee!"
and another one 25 minutes later...

"okay i have to take back the mirah invite my coworker came thru. are youu free anytime this weekend? ill buy you a whole venue to make up for it"

This seemed really weird to me. Maybe she was shit testing me before, I dont usually think about shit tests over text, so maybe I should, that could help my text game a bit. I guess the universe was just in Dasani Alignment last night. We texted a little and have plans to meet up tonight around 7. Wtf am I going to do with her? I don't know, maybe go get a drink, fuck if I know hahaha.