Monday, September 1, 2008
Attempting To Resolve The Chase VS Chased Issue
To me this is one of the hardest concepts in pickup, and yet it's one of the most fundamental. I cannot yet resolve how to be the "prize" or "chased" or the "highest value" or whatever other names there are for it, and yet still get the girl in a timely and efficient way, that doesn't fully leave the whole ordeal in her hands.
This is the challenge I am setting forth today to help resolve within myself, and hopefully find a meaningful way to communicate it to other guys who are in my situation.
Getting a girl to chase in the short term is not all that difficult. I have not mastered it by far, but it is the essence of attraction, qualification, and investment. Using my body to display disinterest by turning or looking away, doing takeaways, disqualifying her and myself, etc. In the moment, when the two of us are together, I have been in the situation, many many times, where I am the Prize to be won, where she is actively chasing me. However, if I can't close the deal or "cross the threshold" in my mind (where the switch in my head flips, and I fully believe that she is mine, usually happens for me after sex, sometimes after the first kiss, even other moments) during that portion of the interaction, I often times lose her to follow-up game because...
Followup game is inherently chasing. I take her number, and now the ball is in my court, but I often find myself chasing too hard or even if I get a meetup, it is soft and not decisive. There are schools of thought (Nautilus and RightHandMan for example) that say "never, ever chase" which includes asking for numbers. You can give yours out, but you don't ever ask for theirs. This makes a lot of sense to me, and I can see it working for sure, I've actually had it work with girls that I wasn't super interested in or who I legitimately didn't have the time for. It operates off abundance.
Even when I'm with a girl, or I've crossed the threshold, often times I'm still the one who most often calls or texts. This is not where I want to be.
Ultimately, my challenge is this. To resolve in my head the conflict between being the prize, the pursued, the chased, and still being the one leading the relationship where I want it to go. To not place the responsibility for MY SUCCESS entirely on her shoulder or mine.
That isn't to say I'm opposed to her chasing me so hard that she asks my number, she gets us to meet up, and she makes it sexual or intimate (Nautilus and RHM style), however that is too far off to one end for me to deal with right now. It puts too much of the "responsibility" on her, and from my current mindset and life situation (perhaps I will change my mind when I am living in abundance), this is unacceptable. I don't want the ego boost of saying "oh she asked for my number but she didn't try hard enough to meet up, oh well, next girl." Theoretically I can see all that is wrong with not wanting that mindset in terms of pickup psychology and dogma. Of course I don't want to give one girl more value than others, and I don't want to be fearing losing her either, but at the same time, I don't want MY SUCCESS to be dependent entirely on her. Some girls just won't chase that hard, some girls have self esteem issues and even if they want to chase they won't because they think I'm too awesome for them and they fear my rejection. I want to be the man for these girls who aren't going to fall into the net of me never chasing, and I already know from massive experience that being the guy who is too available and always making things too easy doesn't work.
I want to be somewhere in the middle, even off to the being chased side a bit.