Friday, September 12, 2008


Just some updates and things I've been pondering.

The other night I got LJBF'd by FemmeFatale. Very weird. Without going into too much detail, we had had a conversation where we really connected, it was genuinely scary how much we had in common. I hadn't felt a connection like that with somebody for awhile, I was actually INTERESTED in hearing about her pain. We ended up meeting up the next night at like 12:30am to go on a "walk." She was giving me poor body language, or at least no indications that she was into me, although the conversation was good. On the way back she says "Can I say something without us getting all weird and awkward?" I say sure, knowing whats coming. "This is all just as friends right?" I responded "No, I was going to bend you over that bench back there and fuck you. But seriously, I think you're a good girl and I've been trying to get to know you better. I don't go on late night walks with just friends."

This should have been the end of it, but I accidentally intrigued her about my views on sexuality and men and women being friends and such, we ended up talking for another two hours, basically postgaming the whole interaction with her while intermixing musings and philosophy. Weirdest thing ever, I said "blah blah, you're not attracted to me so it's not like I'm going to cry about it, theres not much I can do" and she says "no but I am! And we connect really well and it's scary how much we have in common...but I can't connect with guys who I sleep with, and I want to connect with you." Uhh, what? I won't pretend I understand everything she says, she identifies with being impossible to understand so she has a vested self interest in keeping me in the dark about who she is, but thats the crux of it. Normally I would say this is bullshit, but I DID talk to her for like two hours about it, if I got the vibe she was just being nice it would have come out. Weird.

Giving her permission to speak
Just going out on a limb, but I bet there are a lot of girls out there who want to talk, even open you/me but are too shy. They want permission to speak to you, which is what opening can be sometimes. I was sitting next to my cute friend in class, and this girl next to her (during our 15 minute break) was going over her notes and looking bored. I knocked on the desk near her, she lit up, and I said "So what's your story?" it was kinda funny because she acknowledged my question, then turns to my friend and just rattles off this story about how she's living in her old dorm room (my friend had left a note on the mirror). She had all that pent up, but was too shy to say anything until I gave her permission to speak by talking to her.

On emotions
I had an interesting little epiphany a little while back. I used to equate being in a good mood with being social. So if I was in a good mood, but found myself unable to talk to people, I would beat myself up and try desperately to get into a "social good mood." I realized I need to just chill out. Social = good, but good is not necessarily equal to social. I can feel contempletive and at peace and yet not want to talk to anybody. This is fine.

Ways to make her work
I really should compile a massive list of things for this, because it's a concept that needs to be engrained in my head. Getting a massage, having her bring an item to a meet up, asking qualifying questions and her giving good answers (with Femme Fatale, she was trying to set me up as the party connector in her life, so I said "what do you do besides party. I like 3d people" She was a little pissed that I would insinuate that she wasn't 3d, but she qualified HARD). Getting her to drive/pick me up, having her print something for me, have her write me a letter , etc.

"In what way, at this moment, is she working for me?"

Not that she needs to clock in when we're hanging out or anything...or even when we're not hanging can I make her work for me even when I'm not around? Get her thinking about me and providing for me without me being there? Ahhh there is a concept..If I for example, were to set up a dinner date for us, but had her do all the cooking and set up for MY arrival, I would be leading/pursuing but still setting myself up as the one being pursued. Holy shit. Ponder this.

Finishing the thought I started before I had that flash of potential insight, not that she always has to be working for me forever and ever, but at least until I've crossed the threshold, and still sometimes after, consistent with what we've set up as our relationship.

Another good question I should ask myself when resolving the chase/chased issue is...

"Am I respecting myself?"

If she is giving me non-commital answers over text or in person, and I still pursue a meetup or try to push (keyword) the interaction in some way or another, I'm being needy and not respecting myself by seeing the situation for what it is. I'm giving away my power, and that is disrespectful.


Halffull said...

Sounds like a pretty silly rule if you ask me.

For LMR like this with specific objections you can typically reframe to make her feel like she's not braking any rules.

In this case I would have made a distinction between "the me you're having sex with" and "the me you connect with"

The point is to fulfill both her needs and yours. If a girl doesn't have sex on the first date, we'll have three dates on the first day. If she's a virgin and wants to stay that way, she can still be a virgin after I have sex with her.

Dasani said...

I really don't think it was a rule, per-say. She BELIEVES that she can't connect with guys she has sex with, it's not "I don't have sex with guys I actually like" it's "I'm worried that if we do this, you won't like me anymore and I'll be wrong again about another guy, how can I trust that you won't hurt me"

Which is the message that I get out of it, having had time to think about it. Still working on the listening skills :)